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Abuse Self-Help books:
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Top Reddit reviews mentioning Abuse Self-Help books:
How to Destroy A Man Now (DAMN): A Handbook https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/099982032X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_rTM5DbBR62RWS
Seems as though the book is actually real, there are photographs of some pages. It’s delisted, presumably due to its content - the publisher is “Lemons to Lemonade Publishing LLC”. The synopsis appears to describe the book as a guide for those actually abused to effectively take down perpetrators who are in a position of power. Although some of the chapters sound as though this is a guide to fabricating allegations.
> What a creepy little fucker. He gave me bad vibes the minute I met him. Goes to show that your intuition about people is right sometimes.
Read it. Dead serious. It will change your perspective on your gut instincts.
Hmm, especially considering he sat right next to you immediately and asked you out the day you met, it makes me wonder if he had been watching you, put his kid up to approaching you guys and "conveniently" asking to come into your house for a drink?
Trust your gut, there are a ton of red flags here. I highly recommend you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It's a great book and teaches about how to trust your instincts and deal with potentially dangerous situations. Predators take advantage of the fact it's so ingrained in women from the time we are little girls to always be polite, they know we are afraid of hurting feelings and "causing a scene" and they thrive on that hesitation. He hasn't escalated yet but it's time to cut contact and I would also invest in a doorbell or motion camera, not just for him but for general safety, especially with a little one in the house. I like your idea of having a male friend or family member on the premises when you calmly tell him this arrangement just isn't working anymore. Make sure to document everything in the event a worst case scenario happens and you have to go to police.
I remember seeing a book called "How to D.A.M.N." with "D.A.M.N." being an acronym for "Doom A Man Now", the contents of the book details steps, tips, and tricks to help women to make their false accusations more believable and stick longer such as when where and how to plant the seeds and how other women have done so in the past. This is still available on Amazon now. (https://www.amazon.com.au/How-Destroy-Man-Now-Damn/dp/099982032X)
For sure. He had malicious attentions from the moment you felt it inwardly it’s also called red flags.
Learn to never deny your instinct and discernment, it’s a gift wired in to help you protect yourself. This could be the difference between life or death.
DO NOT GIVE ANYONE EVER the benefit of the doubt. Especially strangers, this creep invaded your personal space. He picked you. Say something to the staff report him. Also this book
The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_9nktCb4FAKCV9
Please read it! Seriously you are young and need to learn this. Everyone should! This stuff should be taught in schools. If I had half the skills taught in it, it would have saved me a lot of headaches over the years.
This is definitely a red flag, and it's not a healthy reaction to hypothetical cheating. I think when he said "you're not going to cheat on me so you have nothing to worry about," it was really threatening and was basically the same as saying "if you cheat on me, I really will do this."
Why Does He Do That is a book that was written by a counselor who specializes in working with controlling and toxic/abusive men. He uses his knowledge of how abusers think and his history of work to help women understand if their relationship has escalated to abuse, recognize abusive and controlling behavior in their partners, and inform women on how to leave an abusive relationship.
You can read it here for free.
This book has seriously helped me and other women that I know. I'm not saying that your partner is abusive, because only YOU can determine that. But this book will help you to figure out what's going on and give you strategies to deal with this kind of behavior. And if what you want is to leave, this book can help you make a plan to do that.
Good luck <3
That is a very fast and nasty escalation -- and one that could have put you in more danger of being attacked by someone else.
Please be sure to let your boss know about this right away. As you said, you can't prove it was her, but is is pretty likely that it was. It would be wise to change your schedule. Given that your boss has already had to report your Nmonster to the police, your boss will likely want to help you do that. It would also be good to get a picture of your Nmom to the appropriate security folks at work so that they know the miscreant when they see her.
Given this incident, you would be wise to consider getting more protections for yourself in place.
You may also find this book useful The Gift of Fear.
Please take this escalation seriously and get your protections in place. One of the things that happens with ACONs is that our "Normal Meters" get broken and / or seriously skewed by decades of mistreatment by our NParents. Your buddy is freaked out for a reason. The other posters here are scared for you for a reason. If your nmom has escalated this fast and this maliciously, things aren't likely to quiet down.
Sending hugs (if you want them).
Edit: word
I'm so sorry for your loss. The only correct response to a death in the family is "I'm so sorry, how can I help." Your boyfriend can't even display baseline human decency. Please think about how/if he makes your life better. You already wait on him hand and foot and that's apparently not enough for him.
Please read this: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_WXVGE4MKDTXHDBW20MN7
That is insane, but you were absolutely right to listen to your fear and act on it. If you haven’t read The Gift Of Fear I highly recommend it. Your situation sounds like one he would cover. So scary
Unfortunately this has become a method used by some women to clear up competition in a job place so they can have the position they want.
It's clearly laid out (with step by step instructions) in this book.
Edit added a )
There is definitely a creep factor involved that has nothing to do with height/size. Some guys just exude it. In the book The Gift of Fear the author talks about subtle hints that your subconscious picks up on. Innocent guys just walking the path don't throw out any of those vibes, although women are wise to be cautious whenever or wherever.
Speaking of books of interest:
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https://www.amazon.com/How-Destroy-Man-Now-DAMN/dp/099982032X
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Destroy a Man Now, a Feminist's guide on using false MeToo allegations to ruin the lives of men who upset them. The PDF version of it is available someplace. Looks like Amazon pulled the kindle edition after complaints.
When I was 17-18, I had a job at a university bookstore. There was a man who came in a lot, a professor. He liked to hang around and talk to me about books, and one day he invited me to dinner. He was at least 20 years older than me, but I was in a new city and didn't know many people, so I went.
At the restaurant, I became increasingly uneasy. I still can't put my finger exactly on why, he didn't sleaze on me, but I found myself wanting to get away from him. In the end, I picked a fight (about feminism) and stormed out of the restaurant—I even made sure I stopped and paid for everything I had eaten. I did not want to feel any obligation to him.
I avoided him after that.
He became quite famous in my country after a few books he'd written—he was a criminologist, often interviewed in the news and quoted in articles. But every time I saw his name my hackles rose—and I still could not to this day tell you exactly why. It was "just a feeling".
And he kept getting more famous... until the day, about 2 years ago, when the headlines announced he had been arrested and charged for the sexual abuse and grooming of a girl under 12.
I heard there were others, but they were historical charges and prosecutors didn't think they could get a conviction.
Absolute creep.
Moral of the story: trust your instincts. I read Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear some time after that incident and it made complete sense to me. I advise everyone, especially young women, to read it. It explains what it is your instincts are doing when they warn you, and how to learn to follow them and keep safe.
https://www.amazon.com.au/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
Hey guys, PLEASE DON'T report this book. We should want this book to become popular with five star ratings.
This is the example of capitalism and freedom of speech (one - they hate and the other they want to curtail) in action as a result of their hyper emotional listen and believe (which they want) activism.
EDIT:
The book can be purchased on amazon. And the page is archived here.
The good times are part of the abuse. They keep you questioning whether you’re imagining it or whether you should stay.
I highly suggest this book:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_nSHMFbK2HKG7E
I just saw where you said she works with prisoners as a psychologist. That is frankly terrifying. Contact her superiors and possibly an attorney to see what legal recourse you have to protect yourself from her.
Edited to add: Please consider reading Gavin de Becker's <em>The Gift of Fear</em>. Do not ignore your inner worries when they start dinging this loudly.
Please please read: The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence . A relationship is "good" until it's not. Just like how you can feel healthy until you go to the doctor and they tell you're sick. Use your best judgement. Be safe.
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Reread your post. Can you see that he's trying to get his way regardless of your feelings? First he tried the "nice" way. I bet he also tried asking you for a baby. Then he tried telling you he wants a baby. Then he tried a guilt trip. Then he tried to dominate you. Then he HURT you and didn't let up until you agreed under force. OP, do not lie again. Do not say okay if you don't want a baby. You do not want to teach him (without meaning to) that he can get his way if he hurts you.
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Here's an amazon link for the book: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198. Maybe someone else knows where to get a free PDF?
> I thought I was being silly to have a bad feeling about this guy and I didn't want to offend
Trust your instinct next time.
Highly recommend you pick up a copy of "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.
Let me just add to this that I know a lot of people have had shitty upbringings and deal with toxic parents. If therapy isn’t an option right now, or even if you are in therapy I recommend reading this book.
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407
>I asked him to leave me alone, he didn’t. So I made up some bs story that I left something behind and ran back into work.
You did well.
The Gift of Fear
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Good thinking! Glad you posted this. Sometimes people do this stuff without even considering the consequences.
Also, if I may, I'd like to suggest to anyone and everyone to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. Truly the most important book I've ever read and I think it should be required reading for every high school in America. It gives clear & important information about a host of situations a person (but especially a woman) may find themselves in.
I want to validate that it’s upsetting and it does feel dangerous. You’re not being a crybaby, especially if this is the first time you have this type of attention on you. Unfortunately, it’s a rite of passage every woman goes through.
Take women self defense classes or seminars to learn how to look unapproachable. I also recommend reading “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. Knowing that you can fight back is a powerful tool. By taking steps to protect yourself, you can feel safer.
Know that it is ok for you to be “rude”. No one is entitled to your time or your attention. My go to is to not answer or respond to attention. However, I will admit I don’t get that much attention as I’m not a conventional attractive woman so my methods may not work as well.
Taxi driver conversations: that could be mundane. You can turn it around. Give a vague reply, “the South Side” or even “I prefer to keep it private” and then ask them detailed questions so they talk about themselves. Or you can just ignore them and say you’ve had a long day. If they insist on asking you questions, then they’re being rude and intrusive.
Gaining weight as a defense mechanism is a common tactic but it has long term health consequences. I advise against it because healthcare is expensive (in the US). Also, gaining weight won’t prevent all violence against you. Being a woman comes with an inherent set of risks, regardless of size.
Random violence happens to everyone, regardless of looks, gender, or size. I don’t know the city you live in or what the circumstances are so I can’t say it will all be ok. At the same time, the world is less dangerous than the news or television shows portray. I stopped watching police procedural shows because I realized it made me paranoid to leave the house. I’ve traveled solo in US cities late at night and have been fine. I’ve also been groped in broad daylight.
The simple answer is that there is positive male media out there, just not Men As Men. Like, Batman is a dude. Groot is a dude. Ethan Hunt is a dude. All those are dudes doing cool dude shit as dudes.
The more complex answer is that, on a place like Medium, there's not a whole lot of value that's going to come out of broad "male defense". Like, what specifically are you looking for? "Congratulations on not catcalling women"? "Thanks, men, for generally existing without murdering people"?
Like it or not, humans tend to be negatively focused. It is probably an innate survival instinct. So you're going to get a dozen times as many "men, stop doing thing!" articles as you will "men, thanks for doing thing!" articles.
"Nothing happened", the word to finish that sentence is YET. while it's unknown exactly how the situation would of progressed if you hadn't left and gone to a safer location... if you feel it's dangerous that you are most likely right in your assessment. People are more perceptive than they realize.
Consider reading this book: The Gift of Fear
https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Maybe flippin' them off wasn't the smartest move, but they were already focused on harassing you. You are not responsible at all for their sinister behaviour.
It was better to run that to stay, you made the right choice.
There can be a pack mentality of men egging other men on, an action they may not initiate on their own, they will take part in, or turn a blind eye to, when they're together.
I've seen it in girls and women too (pack cruelty), more with verbal bullying, rarely physical violence.
Ma’am, your husband has a personality disorder and is an abuser. That bathroom wall banging is 100% a manipulation tactic. So is the sulking and the temper tantrums. Please read this book, ideally on an e-reader where he can’t see it - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_0A33SF6RMKT4WM9Y36NP
He invests a lot of energy in making sure that you always feel like garbage if you don't do what he wants. It's a choice he makes. Nothing he does is an accident.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_WXVGE4MKDTXHDBW20MN7
Not surprised but jumping in on this PURELY to say:
MEN ARE NOT VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY DRINK. THEY ARE VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY ARE VIOLENT.
They may use the booze as an excuse (and it's almost a guarantee that they will, since that's an external habit that can be stopped and they'd rather blame that than actually change), but when it comes down to it, if alcohol never existed? He'd still hit you.
Mandatory reading for every single woman on the planet: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It explains why abuse really happens and all the bullshit excuses that men use to try to make it seem like it's everyone's fault but theirs.
Going against the grain here, I don't think this is actually about logic OR emotions.
I think it's about control. Alarm bells started going off the more I read that this, I think it's a delibrate tactic to get you under his control, which is what abusive people want most of all.
>Queue 'why are you being so stubborn?', 'are you trying to deliberately hurt me?', 'are you trying to prove a point or something?', 'would it hurt you to do it this way?', 'I thought you cared about my feelings and my support'
🚩🚩🚩 so from this paragraph I see him deliberately: 1) making you feel like you need to justify your actions to him. You don't, but making you do so changes the power dynamic in his favour. It also keeps you focused on your actions and behaviour so you don't have the time to take a critical look at his behaviour.
2) using emotional manipulation. Not only do you owe him an explanation, but when you do something he doesn't like he turns it into you hurting him. This is manipulative AF and intentional.
3) wearing down your defences. This shit sounds exhausting, and while you can fight back now, I imagine that after weeks/months/years of it you'll just get so tired you'll stop fighting back. Then you'll just do what he wants how he wants to avoid the fight. THIS is his ultimate goal, to make you compliant.
>What should I do?
Fucking run, this is only going to get worse.
And please, take a look at the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft, you can find the PDF for free online.
Read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's enlightening. I'm so glad you left, you were being abused. Good luck on your next journey. Go heal. You deserve better! We're here for you.
You should read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. If you ever have kids, have them read it, too. His advice is t he same: Never go with them. Force them to commit to their choices right where you are.