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Your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. I was in a relationship like that for almost 5 years. I am here to tell you from the future that it’s an extremely embedded behavioral pattern and personality disorder that takes years (did I mention years?) of committed, engaged, and self aware therapy to improve if at all. Is he willing to do all of those things? Most men like that are not. And it can be hell for the other partner to wait that long for them to realize what an asshole they are. And then what? Years of putting up with that behavior has already poisoned the relationship. Your life and happiness is precious. Find someone who will cherish that and doesn’t stoop to being a critical, controlling, anti-partner.
Massimo Pigliucci has written a couple of books.
A Handbook for New Stoics: How to thrive in a world out of control 52 week-by-week lessons.
I purchased the last book. Each week encourages doing an exercise to be a Stoic.
Good luck.
I'm not qualified to say what is going on your husband's head or in his private life, but I do recognize that this is not normal adult behavior. Please take care of yourself and your child. We'll all pray for you.
> This man, is not the man I married.
Yes. This man is looking only at himself. You would not have married that.
So I'm going to say two things you don't want to hear, because you didn't marry a man that would ever make you need to do these two things (and no one wants to do these things even when they need to). But when someone starts acting super weird you do have to think of your safety and your kid, and to be prepared in case things get even more weird.
When things get scary like this, it might be a good time to ask around (in advance of potentially wanting it) for the name of a good family lawyer - not the kind that says they will help you to get even or get a lot of money in a divorce, but the kind that can handle a case where there has been abuse or a case where a wife and child might need legal protection. A lawyer's job is to do what YOU want, and to help you get the kind of help that they understand. A good lawyer will not tell you what to do, but will tell you HOW to do what you want to do, and how to not shoot yourself in the foot.
I also found that it was helpful to not be embarrassed to call the cops (I live in a suburb where they are friendly and their main job seems like "pulling over speeding soccer-moms", which, that's been me; but they also know how to handle domestic problems where one person is scared for their safety.)
I found this book helpful but I don't know if it will be relevant to your situation: https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636 if it's at the library or available by interlibrary loan, might be worth a look.
Sounds like you all have some communication issues. I had some similar issues with my first pregnancy and a therapist recommended the book dance of anger which I really liked and found really, really helpful.
Basically, you alone are responsible for your happiness and you cannot force your husband to change, especially through talking....or nagging. Instead, change your reaction. It will give you power and help break you out of the victim mindset. What you're doing is not only not working, it's probably making things worse so the answer is to change the way you respond to his actions.
I also have a tendency to take passive aggressive comments really personally. Individual therapy helped me a ton and eventually (because my response to them changed) they stopped almost altogether. If you can afford it, I'd also recommend a few therapy sessions just for you so you can discuss strategies and sort out your feelings. Basically the therapist was like 'why do you care?' Over and over. Emphasizing that if I felt good about how things were being handled that was more than enough. The implied message to my husband was that passive comments don't change my behavior because idgaf. If he has a problem he can sit me down with me and discuss it like a reasonable adult.
A starting point that worked for me was picking up a copy of Anger from the local library, reading through it and kind of thinking about it one chapter at a time. Alternatively, a lot of the advice is somewhat similar to what can be found in the Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. And in the end both of them boil down to essentially the same message as the OP; being angry at someone hurts you and not them, everyone makes mistakes, sometimes grave ones, and dwelling on them accomplishes nothing except to increase and spread your pain. People who hurt you often do so because they are acting out their own pain and anger in some way, and doing the same only repeats the cycle pointlessly. That doesn't mean you have to forgive them (although it's nice if you can find your way to that); it's more about giving you tools to move on with your life and leave your anger behind. I think Anger presented the ideas in a way best arranged to provoke reflection and adjustment of my outlook (which makes sense, since it was written by a Buddhist monk). In the most general sense, the way to make use of these tools is by reflecting on them and consciously choosing to put them into action. And it doesn't happen all at once - I still struggle sometimes when I am reminded of the things that I used to be angry about, but now I have the tools to get on with my life and not let dwelling on those things consume me or lead me to behavior that I will regret later.
I'm so sorry you experience that! I first encountered this research in the works of Patricia Evans, sources cited there. I'm sorry I can't be more specific, but I've seen very little discussion of it online (and got the books from the library). Her writing is somewhat gender-slanted, but still some valuable insights.
Dear u/arcelyte's mom,
Please don't be ashamed of being a good person with a trusting nature. The Teds and Lindas of the world are predators; they are master manipulators, cunning and remorseless. They know how to present a false front to get behind the defenses of good people and work it to their advantage. You might find Dr. Simon's In Sheep's Clothing helpful in understanding the mindset and how to protect yourself in the future.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You’re not a terrible person. Remind yourself these kinds of events aren’t the end of the world. Things happen and they can be difficult to deal with. You only need to find the right approach. Consider having a conversation with his brother directly and with your boyfriend present.
Can you share the circumstances of the hitting incident? Maybe we can offer more specific advice.
In the meantime there are articles like When You Love an Angry Person that help with suggestions you can make to your boyfriend for when you get mad. And you can read Rage on your own to help work on your anger.
But the abuse you suffered needs addressing too. I hope you can get therapy for it.
> I've begun to look into godparenting via proxy.
I've done this. At my parish they require a letter from the godparent's parish saying that they are a practicing Catholic (this would be needed for any godparent who's from some other city, even if they are traveling to the baptism). And if the godparent cannot be there, then you need someone to stand in for them... I just picked two people who teach Sunday school at my church and asked them if they would be willing to stand in for the two godparents who could not travel to the baptism.
> I really want to do counseling, but when I brought it up he said that we are 2 smart adults and should be able to figure this out. He said he'd be willing to read a book with me and try things the book suggested. So, anyone have any good book suggestions?
I would try something from the Gottman Institute https://www.gottman.com/couples/products/ (go to Amazon and check reviews there before picking a book)... they have been doing research to study couples' behavior and then track them for years to see how the marriage fared. I read one of their books a long time ago and it was pretty interesting.
Ultimately the most useful book for me was The Verbally Abusive Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/1440504636 because my husband did go to counseling with me but refused to follow any counselor suggestions (just wanted to talk about how I can't do anything right in his eyes). It was somewhere between useless and emotionally devastating. I was unable to get him to read a web page on marriage, let alone a book. Hopefully your situation is better!
Hmm, this might be unorthodox advice, but as someone that's been through all types of toxic friendships, going through therapy taught me that being naive and a pushover really attracts these types of toxic people. In other words, my suggestion to you, if you're up for it, is to explore parts of yourself that may attract these people. No no, it's not victim blaming, because if they're toxic, it's their damn fault 100% and they're not nice people. However, there is some truth to the fact that by being a pushover, toxic people go "Oh! Let's have some fun with this one!" Exploring parts of yourself that may seem attractive to toxic people may help you recognize these people better and fend them off with class and grace.
I recommend this book. It changed my whole life and the way I see people: https://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301
Third this, OP. You are describing a domestic abuse situation (including ongoing emotional abuse) that has a side effect or symptom which is a dead bedroom. But most of the warning signs you list would be for domestic abuse well beyond a DB. There are plenty of DBs that boil down to libido mismatch that have nothing to do with the manipulation you describe. And BTW, you describe great warning signs / red flags for manipulation!!
Suggest you have a look at George Simon's book In Sheep's Clothing: understanding and dealing with manipulative people.
Get therapy for yourself and re-build your deep sense of self-worth & self-esteem. It's waiting in there in the recess of your soul to come out and flourish for the next 15 years... Find a little space for it to start shining. Divorce will be a likely side-effect of this process, but more importantly you will do separate from your wife coming from a place of confidence and belief in yourself. Good luck!
Hi, this reeks of emotional abuse. This is not about him being an avoidant or his attachment style. You did not handle this poorly. This is not your fault. It is unacceptable for anyone, but especially a partner, to mock and insult your appearance. This is unabashed cruelty, not avoidance.
I strongly recommend reading this book. I’m sorry that you are in this position. This is something you cannot fix with him. It is not your fault.
That's some good advice.
But I meant more specific tips on how to learn to identify abusive behavior when you see it, instead of just seeing it as normal because we grew up with it, or because it's just barely socially acceptable.
I've read In Sheep's Clothing by George K. Simon, and When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith, and other books which were good to increase my vocabulary about this stuff. I'm looking for more resources that name specific behaviors and describe why they are toxic.
The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger
Leonard Scheff, a successful trial lawyer in Tucson, Arizona, is also a practicing Buddhist who, for the last fifteen years, has conducted seminars on managing anger.
This one my Massimo Piggliucci did make things turn around for me, by not changing things that gave me a hard-time, but, by liberating myself out of all that shackled me. I wish you the best to be out of your ordeal, soon!
This is abusive. I recommend this book. https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636
It may help you to identify this as abuse and learn how to step into your own power and respond. You might also consider seeing a therapist (make sure they understand codependency). I can also recommend the book Codependent No More by melody Beattie.
I have been exactly where you are love. Your Power is waiting for you. Reclaim it now and learn to love yourself and protect your soul. There is hope.
Read Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh. Changed my life with my family. In literally weeks. You may not get personally angry, but you can learn to not view it as impacting you.
Maybe start with some light reading before lunch.
This is the specific book I have: (amazon link for convenience - I don't profit from or endorse seller, etc, etc)
https://www.amazon.ca/ACT-Life-Not-Anger-Acceptance/dp/1572244402
I think a lot of modern stoics are atheists. Massimo Pigliucci certainly is. Check out his book How to Be a Stoic: https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Stoic-Ancient-Philosophy/dp/1541644530/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=massimo+pigliucci&qid=1613362927&sprefix=massimo+pig&sr=8-5
The best advice I can offer is to show you a book that has helped me understand how my ex manipulated me and abused me emotionally. I don’t normally recommend books but this one seriously is a life changer and your whole view of the relationship will be altered. Even if you don’t believe he’s abusive , there are certainly toxic behaviors. I recommend you learn more and compare your experience.
It is called ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship’. Here is a link: https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636/ref=nodl_ You can also get it on audible if you’d rather listen to it.
I benefited greatly from this audio book, the cow in the parking lot, https://www.amazon.com/Cow-Parking-Lot-Approach-Overcoming/dp/0761158154
Understanding you are angry and wanting to fix it is a very important step. Good luck on your journey
I feel you so much on this. Although my husband and I don't speak as harshly to each other we were stuck in a bad cycle of communication that was really tough on our relationship. A lot of things sound familiar to me. My therapist recommended this book and it changed so much about how I think about things and how we communicate. I highly recommend it. Like, really. If you do one thing, please read this - it applies so much to your situation I can't even express the words for it. If I had your address I would send it to you - I feel that strongly about you needing this book.
Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
It's about how you'll never, ever be able to change him but you can change your reaction to him which can have the effect of breaking the cycle and also of giving you more control over your life and how you allow people to treat you.
It doesn't sound from my description like it would super fix things but it really, really does. By giving yourself permission to have power and by recognizing the cycle you are in with your husband you can change things. Nothing you say to him about his behavior will ever really make him change because you can't make another person change. You just can't. But, you can change how you react which over time will change the way he reacts to you. It will also give you control because you no longer worry about what his reaction is going to be to what you do. You do what you want, what makes you happy and don't worry about what he does. You have to do what you need to do and he does what he needs to do and you will start building a space in the middle for your relationship and communication.
Ug. The book is so much better than all of that. Please, please read it.
Please read this book. It is about verbally abusive relationships. I'm not saying that you're definitely in one because I know nothing about you. But read the book. It doesn't know your relationship and has no vested interest in you one way or another. If you happen to see things in the book that relate to your life you can use those to help you evaluate and make decisions about your future.
Simple statement. “No means no”. If he’s forcing or manipulating you into doing something you don’t want to do that’s called sexual coercion. If he can’t respect your boundaries then that’s called assault and verbal-emotional abuse.
You can DM me if you need someone to talk to, or I can recommend some resources on anger and rage. I've actually been hospitalized for rage following several extensive abusive situations in the past and got through it eventually. It's weird for me to be angry these days.
Here's a book (psychology) on rage and handling it:
That aside one thing that did help me significantly was using protection magic. I can't say for sure if something's attacking you or not but sometimes that's how a bombardment is experienced (uncontrollable anger and anxiety that don't subside and seemingly come from nowhere). Some people here will scoff at it but it turned my life around when it came to anger and anxiety. I can explain a bit of that if you're interested too, if you're willing to do that sort of thing. Again, just DM me if you've got questions.
Best of luck regardless of what you do, try and hang in there.
I just want to chime in and say that this advice is where it’s at.
It’s scary at first, but once you gain your footing, your career dynamic will change for the better. And if it doesn’t change for the better, you’ll at least walk away from the company with a new sense of personal confidence and identity that will 100% benefit you at a future job with better dynamics.
If you’re interested in getting more info on how to do this, I highly suggest reading The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner. It has an entire chapter dedicated to career women and how to effectively deal with men in the workplace.
OP, please don’t de-self yourself for the sake of men’s feelings! These feelings you’re having are not all in your head and you’re in control of your own life to do something about it.
I’ll just leave this here…Verbal Abuse Book He’s physically, emotionally, and verbally abusing you. You deserve healthy love and respect. This is not kink or BDSM at all. This is sexual assault / abuse.
Hey Op! You're definitely NTA here. Your BF is behaving abusively and is a dangerous person. Some people are simply abusive by nature. Don't waste another minute of your time with this guy.
Before my mom allowed me to date, she made me read this book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. I'm going to make my kids read it (both my girl and my boy) because abuse is really hard to recognize. This book shows you what to look for and how to respond to it.
Abuse always starts in little ways, like what your BF is doing here. But it will eventually evolve into violence. For your own safety, you need to leave this relationship. And beware, he will blow up and become a much more scary person when you leave. Document everything. Every conversation. He will try to convince you "I never said that" or "I never did that" (that's "gaslighting"), and he will do amazingly special things to try to win you back (that's called "love bombing"), and then he will explode with rage when you don't take him back. Just be ready for that.
Tell your parents, your teachers, and all of your support people -- because you will need their support during that time.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Here is a book called Anger (wisdom for cooling the flames) by Thich Nhat Hanh.
I hope you read it and that is will be beneficial for you.