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Yep, kids on the way; had to sell his home and move in on the couch of another silicone valley investor to finish the first rocket launch that landed his first contracts. Said he was days away from being negative. This is an amazing read <EDIT harmless joke out> https://www.amazon.com/Elon-Musk-SpaceX-Fantastic-Future/dp/006230125X
It sounds like you and your wife both use acts of service to say 'I love you', which can translate into unintentionally parenting behavior (especially when you have (three!) babies in the house. You both should read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts to better understand the way you each communicate with each other.
You may also find it helpful if you consider that she's not mothering you out of pity or the belief that you are incapable of adulting. Like someone already said, it's incredibly difficult to turn off 'parent mode', especially if taking care is her love language. When you get frustrated, remember that it's the two of you against the problem, not you against her.
In my experience, it really makes a difference to be clear about how you are feeling in situations like this instead of focusing on the other person's actions. You might want to take a breath and gently say, "I'm frustrated right now because I want to pull my share of the weight, and I feel like you are taking on too much. I love you and appreciate how much you do. Please let me do this so we can divvy up the work more evenly." This shifts the focus to how you feel about the situation instead of placing blame/attacking the other person (not your intent but she may have felt that way), reminds her that you are a team, and that you love her which is always nice to hear.
There's a book on the topic that I've been meaning to read: https://www.amazon.com/Empire-Their-Own-Invented-Hollywood/dp/0385265573/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=empire+of+their+own&qid=1568575461&s=gateway&sr=8-1
The short answer is that the entertainment industry has historically been open to people who are marginalized from other career paths. So disproportionate representation of minorities in the performing arts is something that you often see across cultures and throughout history.
Normal is a mostly useless term in this area, but it's not uncommon for many different reasons. Not everyone derives intimacy or feels bonded from sex. Your wife may be one of those people. Someone who doesn't get their intimacy from sex may not understand that sex is not just a form of recreation to the partner, so they have no idea that unenthusiastic participation is often worse than no sex at all. On the flip side, which I think you are experiencing now, the partner that gets intimacy from sex doesn't always understand how the other doesn't.
This isn't an insurmountable problem, but it does take commitment from both partners if it's going to be over come. The first step is actually defining what intimacy means to each of you, and how each of you feel connected and bonded. For you, as someone that gets intimacy from sex, you have to focus on the feelings, and not the acts. You also have to be open to, and accepting of what is intimate to her, even if it's something completely non sexual. In order to find a happy medium for each of you, each of you must understand the specific things that the other needs to feel those "warm fuzzies", and you must both commit to providing that, without strings. Once that understanding is there, if your wife is open to it, she can look for things about the specific sex acts that have meaning for her, and make them something that she can desire and seek out. On your part, you have to let go of any need you have to dictate what the focus of her desire is.
It's not that there is anything wrong with either of you, it's just a difference in what makes you feel connected. Reading The 5 Love Languages may help bridge that understanding gap.
And you are right about the back rubs. If you do that now, you'll be turning intimacy into currency, and making your sexual relationship a transaction, which you'll find is even worse than what you have now.
False. Read up on Elon. He may not be bending the metal to build the rockets, or assembling the batteries that go into Teslas (what CEO does?), but he knows a great deal about the engineering behind all their products.
If you haven't already, I highly recommend you read this.
Jobs, OTOH, had no background in computer science or engineering and never claimed to. His thing was design, which he (obviously) did really well.
NAH - You're clearly not the asshole. However, rather than calling your husband the asshole, I think this may just be mismatched expectations and ways of expressing yourselves. Specifically, check out the concept of the 5 Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X). You don't need to buy the book, as there are articles out there that explain it well enough. The 5 are words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. Considering the amount of effort you put into gifts/party for him, it might be because gifts/acts of service are important ways you show him love, so when they're not returned in that way, you're hurt. He might be showing you love in other ways that are more important to him.
This is common practice on every movie. If you're interested or fascinated by the business and work behind being a working screenwriter, check out Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant's book "Writing Movies for ~~Fun and~~ Profit"
It's an honest and humorous guidebook to being a working writer in Hollywood. Basically gets right into how when you sell a script, it doesn't mean your name will be on it when the movie is released because you will be fired from the writing job, then they'll bring in someone else to give it a fresh take, then they'll fire them hire someone else, then they'll fire them and MAYBE re-hire you, then you'll look at how they butchered your script and you'll go back and make changes to all the things they did so the arbitrator will give you the credit and not them when it's released and then hope you don't get fired again and then you can reap your rewards.
Basically, this is how M. Night Shamaylan came up with "The Sixth Sense". A common Hollywood rumor truth is that he didn't come up with the idea, he was just the last guy to get his hands on the script after a dozen rewrites so he got all the credit for the idea.
>He was in the right place at the right time
Incorrect, read the book on him written by Ashlee Vance and you will understand that it was not just so.
My overall view is that he's an increadible, but deeply flawed, person.
He's simultaneously transforming the transportation, space exploration, and energy sectors all at once. He's already accomplished multiple things in aeronautics and transportation areas that nobody else had done before. I honestly think he's possibly the most important person alive, and we're really lucky to have him.
But... he's probably a narcissist, and at least appears to be an asshole.
Like many people who are increadible workers, he demands incredible amounts from the people around him. Often enough that he hurts them. If you read his biography it's replete with stories of Elon hurting people close to him because he doesn't seem to understand how they see the world. His ex-wife, Justine, wrote a really sad article about their divorce back in 2010. This doesn't excuse anything, but his biography strongly suggests he was abused as a child by his father.
He seems to share a lot of traits, both positive and negative, with some of the most successful people in history. It's possible to be that driven that something inside of you needs to be broken, or that you demand so much of yourself that you despise mediocrity in others.
Grandpa here, and I've been down this path. Like the time I bought her that white sweater.... it got returned. I also think back to my dad telling me how individualized cars are, and how it was a big epiphany to him when he realized that it was important for mom to have the car she wanted and not so much what he thought she needed. He and I were both engineers so our brain always wants to go to "let me calculate the solution you need" and people don't work that way.
Let me try to pass along some older guy wisdom, so walk with me here:
Your 'best efforts' as you phrase it were to give her gifts that were what you wanted her to have; not so much what she wanted to have. As an artist, your creations are always about you and your concept of whatever it is. Even if it's meant for someone else, dragon colors and everything. It's still very much your expression. To you, this is a very meaningful thing from you and I think that you want them to be a surprise.
But human psychology doesn't work that way. We all have very individualized ways of how we want to feel loved. That's the main point from the very popular book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. An issue is that lots of people lavish onto their spouse the treatment that they want, not realizing that it's not at all what the spouse wants and their attempts to make them feel love don't work at all. Unfortunately, it's super common.
Now this is where it seems like takes some real jedi mind reading skills and it ain't always easy. You're trying to completely remove the thinking of what you want and slide into their mind and think of what they want. With practice you can get really good at it over a lifetime. To be honest, it's a lot better to forget with the surprises and flat out ask what they want, gather the details and literally write it down. No joke.
It's outlined in his biography (which is a good read on the details of all these events).
The job was really dangerous and required working in a boiler room and insane temperatures and squeezing between small spaces.
It's based on a book by Dr. Gary Chapman
Basically everyone has different ways they express love and feel loved.
There is: Quality time- -Physical touch -Acts of service -Words of affirmation -Receiving gifts
Knowing yours and your partners can be very powerful. It allows you to better meet his needs and for you to better express your needs.
It's great for all relationships!
What consequences has she had to go through? Sometimes cheaters need to feel hard consequences in order to understand that they are walking on borrowed time if they don't shape up.
I hope the both of you are in therapy.
Has any one suggested reading the 5 Love languages book by Gary Chapman? It might help both of you understand each others love languages.
> he doesn't ever offer to cook
> He doesn't buy me flowers, light candles or organise dates for us
You sound like an acts of service kind of woman. Go read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, figure out what your husband is, then start loving on him in his languages. He should naturally reciprocate. Try it for like one month and see if it works.
FYI: People typically have a primary and a secondary language. Use both of his (and get to know yours).
Change your mind.
You speak about the love languages, but do you truly understand all that there is about them? The entire point is that it's not about you, it's about how your partner wants to feel. Seriously go buy the book and read it cover to cover.
The way you describe it is kind of like she hates drinking milk and loves iced tea. But you like milk a lot so you cram milk down her throat because that's all you want in life. And you're pissed off that she has the gall to want iced tea. In fact, iced tea doesn't even enter your mind and if it's brought up, it MAKES YOU MAD BECAUSE I GAVE YOU PLENTY OF MILK. You don't even buy into the concept of iced tea at all. You'd never serve a glass for the rest of your life because you don't value the stuff. You gave milk so why the hell do you keep bringing up that damned iced tea? Enough is enough of that stupid tea!
So let's reframe this. Do you value your wife? Yes or no. Do you value her opinion? Yes or no. Does she deserve to hear that she's wanted, that she's done something well, that you're proud of her and that you love her? Yes or no. This is the foundation that needs to be there.
If all of these are yes, then it's time to make them a priority. "I didn't think about it" or "it didn't occur to me" are cop-outs. Is her happiness and fulfillment a priority to me or not? My take is that doing these things should be fun and make you feel good. I want life to be fun so I bring it--even as I had to be taught long ago, same as you.
I saw an app yesterday that might help. It's iOS only right now, but they're making the Android version. It sends reminders to do and be nice to your partner. It's called emi daily relationship reminder.
If people are interested in how severe a lot of these laws are, The Year Of Living Biblically by AJ Jacobs is really interesting, very approachable, and fairly humorous.
The HoMe books are really just the collected earlier, abandoned and alternative drafts of the main 'canon' material that makes up the contents of the Silmarillion and LOTR. There are some very interesting bits and pieces that are only found in them, but yeah I'd read the main books again first. Also, if you want a quick path to a deeper understanding of the whole mythos, add to your list one more book, the Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien, which does in fact touch on this and a whole lot of other fascinating core details.
Lots of people here are or have been in the same boat. You are not alone.
Focus on your relationship with your wife and kids. Most people recommend going very slowly with spouses. You will have to bring up your issues some day. If nothing else your wife may notice your change in attitude. The critical thing at that point (or before that point) is to make sure your wife knows that you love her. You are questioning the church, not your marriage. Many TBMs have trouble making that distinction.
The second most important thing is that when you do start talking to your wife about church issues is to make sure she does not run to her family for advice. That is one reason to start slowly at the very edges. Ask that she keep your confidence. Cultivate the idea that this is something that the two of you have to work out together, and that family interference will only make it worse. It is the two of you against the world.
A family member or close friend leaving the church might be an opportunity to talk about why they left. I know you said that your families are uber TBM, but don't be surprised if someone does come out as ex.
One thing you might do is get a copy of No Man Knows My History by Fawn Brodie. It is an old book. Get it in paperback and let your wife see you reading it. Encourage her to read it with you.
I think the book used to be sold at Deseret Books, but I don't see it on their website. It might still be available in a brick and mortar store. Here is the Amazon link if you can't find it an official church site.
https://www.amazon.com/Letters-J-R-R-Tolkien-J-R/dp/0618056998 An Amazon link to The Letters of Tolkien Unfortunately I can't help you I asked because I plan to do the same after I finish with the Witcher and I wasn't sure about the order
You were dating an 18-year-old and humans change a great deal between then and age 25 when the brain finally stops growing and maturing. Whatever she was 3 years ago is out the window.
But all is not lost. These are things we can and should talk about. I'm with CompletelyChaotic in that we all have different ways that make us feel loved. That is the premise of one of the most popular books in this sub: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. This works best when both understand their partner and choose to give the way their partner likes it.
Great thoughts.
I lost some twitter followers a while back because I wrote a thread about Joseph Smith's heavy practicing of folk magic.... and that the Smith family were a bunch of swindlers and con-artists. Good riddance, lol
Side note: read "No Man Knows My History" by Fawn M. Brodie. Fawn was the excommunicated niece of David O. McKay. She was excommunicated for writing this book.
We all have different ways that make us feel loved. That is the premise of one of the most popular books in this sub: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman.
To explain it, there's this video that does a decent job of introducing the topic: The 5 Love Languages Explained. And both of you should know that this road goes both ways. It's equally important for him to understand what he can do to make you feel loved and supported.
I'm a fan of Pat Pattison's book "Writing better lyrics". He has some nice organizational techniques for rhyme scheme and what types of words can convey better emotion/meaning. It's fairly cheap on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Writing-Better-Lyrics-Pat-Pattison/dp/1582975779
Both of you might find these books helpful:
The five love languages This one is great for determining the ways you and your spouse like to give/receive love. It is a AMAZING book!
Not "just friends" This one is really for people who are going through an affair, but it is a good read to help "affair-proof" your marriage by learning about the dynamics that happen when affairs begin between platonic friends.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!!!
No Man Know's My History, a biography of Joseph Smith. The author, Fawn Brodie, was eventually excommunicated by the LDS church.
Sometimes it just happens that , many small unresolved things/foxes keep getting added up. One of my friends wife bottled up things for long time & finally got up and left. It was too late for doing anything. Some men & women goes through buyers remorse / mid life crisis.
“Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming! Young Woman” Song Of Solomon 2:15
There is a saying that in healthy marriage there are lot of disagreements, but they talk it out before going to bed . “Joyce Mayer” I think said about her husband, that they do have intense moments of fellowships - “arguments”. When one spouse is always saying like, whatever you say, they have given up.
Ephesians 4:26 “And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry”
As long as it’s not abusive, give your best shot. Physical separation sometimes helps love. You both can try reading a book “five love languages “ . I used to tell my mom to divorce dad & that he will never change, he was abusive & alcoholic. Now I am glad that she didn’t, although they both stayed apart for many months/years at times.
Having eternal perspective is so important. Will pray for your family, you will overcome👍🏻🙏
Check this book.
https://www.amazon.com/Writing-Better-Lyrics-Pat-Pattison/dp/1582975779
Also, start doing some listening / watching / reading on the concept of Story - what makes one, what is one.
Here's a good start
https://www.amazon.com/Story-Substance-Structure-Principles-Screenwriting/dp/0060391685/
Oh! You know what might help you... this book:
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
If you're having trouble understanding the nuances of love- what it means to you or others, how you naturally express it yourself and the way others might express it- this book spells it out for you. It classifies expressions of love into 5 categories (calls them "languages") and gives examples of how they look in a relationship, how to identify which category you best associate with, how to meet the needs of someone with a differing love "language", how to express your specific needs in respect to feeling loved, etc.
I mean, it may not solve everything but it might give you additional insight and help you reframe the situation.
It's really hard to write lyrics without a musical context - even if you try to follow (or not follow) a certain structure, until you've given those lyrics a melody (or some other musical context, like chords or a riff or a beat), they aren't lyrics, they're poetry. Even if you go into writing thinking "okay, these are gonna be lyrics this time", without some kind of musical idea to support it and mold it, it's still just poetry. Some people do have luck starting songs by writing lyrics first, and then trying to write a melody that fits them, but personally I've had much better luck starting with musical ideas (a melody, a riff, a chord progression), and a really broad topic for a song (like "this song's gonna be about heartache" or something), and then writing lyrics that fit the rhythmic stresses and topic. Even if you do successfully write a song starting with lyrics, you'll often find yourself tweaking them anyway to fit the music you end up writing (and if you don't, there's a solid chance of your lyrics turning out awkward and forced).
I highly recommend checking out Pat Pattinson's Writing Better Lyrics from your local library / buying a copy if you can - I can't overstate how much it's helped me get into lyric writing in a more intentional way.