The best Christian Dating & Relationships books: Reddit reviews

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

100% stop giving her money, now.

Here are more tips but you have to decide what is necessary.

Block her number for awhile and give yourself space. She isn't a relationship worth having. She just tears you down. I know "it's family," but sometimes, that isn't enough. She isn't making ANY sort of effort to repair or GIVE into your relationship. She is just taking. (I have no idea why you pay for things for her...)

I would cut it off for 1-6 months and see how it goes.

Let other people deal with her, if she hasn't driven them away, already.

She will never learn anything if people keep helping her, despite the 1-way relationship.

Read up on Boundaries. It's the best lesson I have ever learned regarding relationships.

>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.

You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).

To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.

It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.

Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.

Please don't let anyone tell you how to feel or what to feel. Feeling are information about what you are experiencing, what your internal state is. Listen to that voice.

We might be able to advise on how to react to emotions, but in and of them selves, emotions are info/data.

It sounds like your MIL is setting up a pattern of emotional manipulation and dishonesty. These make her an unsafe person. It is a good idea to keep a distance from things/people that are unsafe.

There are boundaries between all people. They are part of the natural social contract that exist between people. They tell us "I end here" and " you start there". Your MIL stomped on those boundaries. It may be time to make them more explicit and more firm.

If you haven't already, I would recommend reading "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. It helped me a lot. It has some good stuff to say about boundary stomping mamas.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310247454/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_W9clBbYVG9R3W

Best of luck!

I really like the book boundaries. It changes the way you think about and act in relationships. It’s all logical, but if you’ve never thought about your relationship that way it’s a new way of doing things.

You are an adult. You get to choose how your mother treats you and interacts in your life. Draw some firm boundaries there and if she can’t abide them she will have consequences.

People with no boundaries and people with boundaries that are to intense suffer. You need to find the middle. So, for instance, if you don’t want her to kiss baby then say ‘it’s flu season and I’m not comfortable with you kissing baby. If you do kiss him, I’m going to have to hold him or put him in his swing’...and then do that. If she’s speaking about you in a disparaging way (your mom is being silly. Who raised her. Etc) calmly say that you are this child’s mother and you will raise this child according to your own guidelines, just like she got to raise her kids according to hers. If she can’t respect that, then maybe it’s best for her to leave and come back another time when she can respect your rules.

Be kind, but firm. It’s great practice because when baby is 2/3 you will get to do lots of work establishing and maintaining boundaries.

Boundaries is a great book about developing this skill. It has some Christian references (which you may or may not be into), but it is such a useful book.

Tell them that it is wrong and explain how it hurts them and their perspective of relationships. As a Christian (who struggles with it) I believe that lust/porn/masturbation is sin. BUT YOU MUST NOT demonize the sin or them. It is a very difficult thing to struggle with (especially in our culture) but you must not demonize it. Nearly everyone struggles/has struggled with it before.

The main issue with the way abstinence only education is that they don't know how to respond. They don't know how sex works on a physical, mental or spiritual level aside from, "Wait until marriage." They don't know how far they can take it without sinning and they don't even know how far they can take without doing something stupid. You can't tell someone (who is a human being designed for sex) that they mustn't even look the wrong way at someone or they'll go to hell. I'd recommend a book "Every young man's battle. It's a book (from a Christian perspective) of how to deal with that stuff. It's a very real and relate-able book that has many good ideas and techniques even if you aren't Christian. Both the authors struggled with lust/porn/masturbation/pre-marital sex but eventually left it behind.

TL;DR Explain how it's wrong but never ever demonize them or the issue. It's not the end of the world. Good luck buddy.

In my opinion, talking to family about a fight between spouses is very inappropriate. Having a mentor that is not invested in the relationship would be ideal if she absolutely has to talk to someone. Have you read the book Boundaries together?

I'm trying to write a comment but it hurts too much to try to put this into words.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. A father is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the home and what you experienced is so twisted and damaging. I can't adequately express my sorrow over what I just read.

The worst thing about this is our relationship with our earthly father will color the way we see God for the rest of our lives. Unless we regularly replace our thinking from what we experienced with truth from God's word we will forever feel from God what our fathers caused us to feel.

There is a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Townsend that I would recommend to you. It talks about healthy ways to deal with difficult people in our lives that cause you pain.

I don't know how to answer your question about honoring. But you do need to forgive him and try to look for the good in him and honor that. Your father is a sinner created in the image of God but broken. Maybe some day you can see the good in him. I don't know.

It might help to write down what you want to say to your BF, as well has have the harassing DMs ready to show him. If you’re too nervous to say it aloud then have him read what you wrote instead. You can also try practicing out loud what you want to say, that helps too.

> I really hope he doesnt come over to confront me after my bf says something o him

If his friend does come over just don’t answer the door. Don’t answer it. You do not have to open your door to him, you do not have to let him in your home, and you do not have to talk to him or explain yourself to him. If he gets angry then so what? He’s a jerk! Let him be angry!

If he refuses to leave or makes you feel threatened call the police and have him removed for trespassing. It’s 10000% ok to be “rude” or “mean” if someone is making you feel threatened, don’t put yourself in danger because you’re worried about politeness. Your safety matters more than this dude’s ego.

I’m really sorry you’re in this position. I have to say though that it sounds like you might have difficulty sticking up for yourself and setting healthy boundaries with people (and maybe some anxiety going on?). If it’s an option therapy could be really helpful with developing those important life skills (here’s a guide on how to find affordable therapist if needed, there are also some online therapy websites that tend to be more affordable than in-person ones), if therapy is not an option then there are some good books out there about setting healthy boundaries that you might benefit from checking out (such as Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no)

Good luck tonight! Just remember to take some deep breaths if you feel yourself geting too anxious. You can do this!

This book will be super helpful! You’re right that your husband is 100% the priority now. Everyone else comes after that, including parents.

Tell her she (your mom) needs to read the book, Boundaries: by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

It's written by two Christian psychologist and is an incredible read. I love Jesus and there's nothing biblical about continuing to support that type of behavior. You can have compassion and still have standards for what you will and will not accept.

I wish more people would read this book. Check it out, it might give you a way to explain things to your parents and hopefully they will understand that you're actually doing the loving thing here.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Edit: clarifying wording

I was living independently prior to my daughter being born. She interferes as much as I allow her to. You are a 31 year old woman. You are the only one in control here.

You really need to read this book, hold on I’ll link it

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_66Z8DFY5TEWFVHDY5B0G

I forgot to mention a book that really helped me and my husband with boundaries (and my husband isn't much of a reader of self-help literature). We each grew up with a PD parent, so we need help!

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

It is Christian-based, which would automatically have made me reject the book (because I don't like Bible-thumping), but actually it totally changed my mind about the morals and ethics of setting boundaries. We must, say the authors, in order to grow personally and spiritually ourselves, and to make sure others are free to do the same. They say boundary-stompers must be stopped, and we must stop them.

It is great, I promise! I re-read it every time I feel guilty about my mother, which is a lot, and get a boost of confidence every time. I've had it on my bookshelf for at least a decade. The guilt and manipulation of a PD parent is fierce. This book's concepts is like garlic for that.

My husband and I liked their other book, "Safe People" just as much, but I don't find it on Amazon. It is here: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/safe-people-henry-cloud/1101957885/2679450583166?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Core+Catch-All,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI16vy1rGc2gIVnkoNCh1REQo1EAQYAyABEgL5uPD_BwE

My husband read Safe People in one sitting and announced his mother wasn't a safe person, and immediately totally changed the way he relates to her--which saved our marriage and family. He LOVED the Biblical stuff because his mother used to use Christian values as a bludgeon whenever she wanted her way over everyone else's. This stopped that.

Other people gave good advice re therapy for all. But some important points:

-Ex needs to understand this is your home. You need ground rules. She's a welcome guest until she can get back on her feet. For example, one of your rules to stay might be therapy. Maker a written list (even where she needs to park her car) and have a sit down ASAP.

-Great book idea might be "Boundaries" as it teaches you how to nicely draw the lines to protect yourself. And you need to stay safe in order to help. So read it so you can help them more.

-While you can forgive her & I hope you do, that does not mean you need fully trust her. They are not the same.

You can do this friend.

​

Ps, you need the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" and perhaps also the book on Boundary by Henry Cloud. The last one may have some Christian undertones but can be read by non religious people too....

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_2F5ZT2VCRW6KX9A64442

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=redir_mobile_desktop?_encoding=UTF8&aaxitk=184fc26e2ff8f10e5824dc0dee08c1f5&hsa_cr_id=3573033300901&pd_rd_plhdr=t&pd_rd_r=cfd0adb2-4029-4890-81e8-cbda24f1c103&pd_rd_w=B4YHy&pd_rd_wg=ANnsy&ref_=sbx_be_s_sparkle_mcd_asin_0_img

Boundaries, my friend, are not inherently un-Christian!!

You sound like a awesome, smart, wise, mature kid who's unfortunately more mature than your parents. I'm so sorry your parents are treating you this way. Please keep in contact with positive people you trust (grandma, coach, counselor, etc). This is completely your parents fault, not yours!

You might also find supportive folks in r/justnofamily and/or r/raisedbynarcissists. Not everything may apply to you, and their advice can be blunt - but I think you need to be careful with your parents and set some healthy boundaries. I also recommend the book Boundaries. It's written from a Christian perspective and is a great resource.

So much to unpack. It sounds like you really can't help your mom. After all, how do you help someone who cannot/will not help themselves? That said, do not pay bills. It would be like giving a drunk a drink. You would be just enabling her.

I will suggest a couple of books.

1. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud
2. Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey

Now to be funny: You know your financial plan is working when other people make fun of it. :)

Think about it. The people around you are all broke and in debt, but ridicule you for being wise with money....

I understand about politics and social perspectives being the "safe" topic of conversation with your parents! I thought I was the only one!

I'm so sorry that your mom threatened you when you considered moving out. That is absolutely abusive behavior. You are not responsible for her response to your decisions. She is an adult (so are you!). She is responsible for her own behavior. It might be helpful to read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud if you haven't before; it explains things much better than I can.

I hear you 100%. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but we are created to have healthy community no matter how small or large that is. Key word healthy haha. That being said when I went through a similar time (and what I encourage all INFJs to do) the best thing that I ever did was to work on myself. Learn how to have a healthy relationship with myself, and learn how to have a healthy relationship with others.

This helped me sooooo much : https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310247454/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_A8S0GS6P5X3VWYG8S0N2

Good boundaries will help you see when you’re being used. Manipulation is the number one indicator of being used, male or female, romantic or platonic.

I wasn’t raised with good boundaries, so I took on responsibility that wasn’t mine and chased men that took advantage of me. I didn’t deserve that cause damn, I’m awesome.

This book helped me figure things out.

Kings, keep you’re head up and protect your hearts.

OP, your initial reaction to this incident should also prompt you to look at yourself.

I highly recommend you buy and read this: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life.

I’m recently married and my in-laws are dreadful people.

This book is basically the “how-to” for establishing boundaries without pouring gasoline on the fire. And for providing perspective on the fire itself, and what you actually have control over.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

It has some Christian things in it, but it’s not cheesy and it isn’t preachy. You don’t have to be Christian to appreciate the logic and arguments of the book.

I like this book here But I've worked on it a lot during counseling. People who grew up in abusive households, or were bullied as kids or sexually abused, or just ones whose parents gave them no privacy or agency can result in adults who struggle to maintain and observe, healthy boundaries. It's not easy, but it's worth the emotional work.

Hey, I know it may seem like it at times, but you’re not alone. There are more people who have crazy family problems than you might realize, but for some reason they tend to hide it. One thing that really helped me was this book on boundaries. If you can afford it, it may help you to work on establishing healthier boundaries with those around you. In my case, that meant going non-contact with my parents because they refused to respect me or my partner. Another thing that helped was finding a therapist that I could talk to. Opening up to a professional can be really intimidating, but I am 100% in a better headspace because they helped me to come to terms with those family problems at my own pace and supported me along the way. I realize that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but hopefully some of these thoughts help you get through this!

Cloud and Townsend. I believe they wrote several versions, but here is the one I read:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.zNuFbR2EVZBX

One point: I was not expecting it, but the book does have a strong point of view of religion. While that isn't something that resonated with me, it did not detract from what I learned. In fact, some parts actually helped, seeing the way boundaries could be applied in situations that are generally dogmatic and about following the rules (dealing with church leaders).

Hard Boundaries are required. You are happy and healthy, their opinions about your body are irrelevant.

Any time someone that isn’t a medical professional wants to tell you how your body should look, shut the conversation down immediately.

You can learn to do this by interrupting them mid sentence and saying:

“My body and how you think I should look are not up for debate. If you don’t drop it immediately I’m going to hang up the phone/ leave the room/ leave the house/ etc”. If they persist, follow through with your promise. Do this every single time they bring it up.

Verbal boundaries also work with other all-too-familiar and inappropriate conversations such as:

Your religious preferences, sexuality, relationships with abusive family members, inappropriate co workers, etc.

You are doing this for you, their opinions really don’t matter at the end of the day if you are healthy, safe, and happy. It’s literally their problem and not yours.

I strongly recommend reading the book ‘ Boundaries: How to Say Yes and When to Say No and Take Control of Your Life’ by Henry Cloud.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Yes! Amazon.

I recommended it so someone else recently and they pointed out that it has a lot of religious references in it. I completely forgot! If that doesn't bother you you can find the book here and the workbook here.

I'm not religious but am in an AlAnon program, so I replace "god" with "higher power" and it works for me.

What a rough spot to be in. I can’t imagine my mother ever setting boundaries with her grandkids and being able to sleep at night. It would eat her up. So, I haven’t read it myself yet but I work in mental health and I’ve heard this book has been really powerful for people. It’s called Boundaries and I see on Amazon there’s a Boundaries for kids version. When we don’t set good boundaries we really do a disservice for kids and the sequelae of that negatively impacts their entire lives. It’s hard to “adult” when you grew up without good boundaries.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=nodl_

I've got a great suggestion for you. Must read Boundaries. It is the gold standard to teach people how to set boundaries. It's a great life skill that can be used at work and home.

You need this book!