I read a book about love languages. It was from a Christian perspective but I think anyone could get value from it. Basically the take away was that we all show and feel love in different ways. One of the best things you can do is figure out how your partner feels loved (their love language). It may be verbal, physical touch, actions etc. You then make a conscious effort to make sure that your partner knows you love them by using their love language and not just your own.
Edit: wow a lot of people apparently saw this. Here is the book on amazon if anyone was interested:
It's apparently less than $5 as an ebook. No I'm not the author. Good read even if you ignore the religious perspective it is great to work through with your significant other.
It sounds like you and your wife both use acts of service to say 'I love you', which can translate into unintentionally parenting behavior (especially when you have (three!) babies in the house. You both should read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts to better understand the way you each communicate with each other.
You may also find it helpful if you consider that she's not mothering you out of pity or the belief that you are incapable of adulting. Like someone already said, it's incredibly difficult to turn off 'parent mode', especially if taking care is her love language. When you get frustrated, remember that it's the two of you against the problem, not you against her.
In my experience, it really makes a difference to be clear about how you are feeling in situations like this instead of focusing on the other person's actions. You might want to take a breath and gently say, "I'm frustrated right now because I want to pull my share of the weight, and I feel like you are taking on too much. I love you and appreciate how much you do. Please let me do this so we can divvy up the work more evenly." This shifts the focus to how you feel about the situation instead of placing blame/attacking the other person (not your intent but she may have felt that way), reminds her that you are a team, and that you love her which is always nice to hear.
Normal is a mostly useless term in this area, but it's not uncommon for many different reasons. Not everyone derives intimacy or feels bonded from sex. Your wife may be one of those people. Someone who doesn't get their intimacy from sex may not understand that sex is not just a form of recreation to the partner, so they have no idea that unenthusiastic participation is often worse than no sex at all. On the flip side, which I think you are experiencing now, the partner that gets intimacy from sex doesn't always understand how the other doesn't.
This isn't an insurmountable problem, but it does take commitment from both partners if it's going to be over come. The first step is actually defining what intimacy means to each of you, and how each of you feel connected and bonded. For you, as someone that gets intimacy from sex, you have to focus on the feelings, and not the acts. You also have to be open to, and accepting of what is intimate to her, even if it's something completely non sexual. In order to find a happy medium for each of you, each of you must understand the specific things that the other needs to feel those "warm fuzzies", and you must both commit to providing that, without strings. Once that understanding is there, if your wife is open to it, she can look for things about the specific sex acts that have meaning for her, and make them something that she can desire and seek out. On your part, you have to let go of any need you have to dictate what the focus of her desire is.
It's not that there is anything wrong with either of you, it's just a difference in what makes you feel connected. Reading The 5 Love Languages may help bridge that understanding gap.
And you are right about the back rubs. If you do that now, you'll be turning intimacy into currency, and making your sexual relationship a transaction, which you'll find is even worse than what you have now.
NAH - You're clearly not the asshole. However, rather than calling your husband the asshole, I think this may just be mismatched expectations and ways of expressing yourselves. Specifically, check out the concept of the 5 Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X). You don't need to buy the book, as there are articles out there that explain it well enough. The 5 are words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. Considering the amount of effort you put into gifts/party for him, it might be because gifts/acts of service are important ways you show him love, so when they're not returned in that way, you're hurt. He might be showing you love in other ways that are more important to him.
My father, upon the eve of my nuptials, bought me a book. It’s... for a lack of better explanation, a Christian sex manual. See, my father was given this book when he got married and thought “there was a lot of good info in there. I should give it to my daughter.” And didn’t consider the fact that the book was ancient and the medical information in the book is outdated and all the other stuff is stuff I could Google should I ever need to know. It was traumatising. For some reason pictures of genitals were a no so they had illustrations and instead of just drawing penises- because penises are obscene, but vulvas and vaginas are fine- they drew shadow dicks. Like... Penises but the outlines are dashed lines. The hand to penis proportions are also terrible... someone was feeling mighty generous of their junk when drawing I think. And there are chapters about everything I dont wanna know. Childbirth, sex after 50, sex after 60, after 70... there’s a chapter devoted to AIDS and HIV which literally says “frenching someone with HIV is dangerous and should be avoided.” (Because reminder, the book is ancient and they used to think that was true). Nothing in my life has scarred me more than this book. It’s truly one of a kind. I begged my father not to give it to me. Now it lives under my couch and we pull it out to to laugh at the illustrations when my husbands sister comes over. Edit: in case you’re wondering which I really hope you’re not, this is the book.
In case anyone doesn't know the reference: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=five+love+languages&qid=1600148058&s=digital-text&sr=1-3
This book would have saved my marriage, if I had read it early enough.
She’s pretty clearly motivated by the idea of having money, and I cannot stand her thus far, but this conversation reminded me of The Five Love Languages. (An absolutely amazing book and a breezy read that everyone should check out. I can’t believe how much it made me understand myself and others.)
Basically, for some people, gifts are their love language. And I don’t necessarily mean that in a materialistic way. Giving and receiving gifts, however small, makes them feel loved. I don’t like using the phrase “gold digger” because it has such misogynistic connotations and also implies that there’s something wrong with transactional relationships when they’re actually perfectly fine and quiet common.
But I’m curious about Larissa—I wish we could tap into a parallel universe and see how she reacted to him having a bouquet of flowers for her when she arrived. Would she have bitched about the quality of the flowers like Daya in season two? Or would it have given her a little reassuring emotional boost that protected her from feeling such deep disappointment when she saw the underwhelming dreariness of Las Vegas for the first time?
I want to like Colt and dislike her, but I suspect they both may turn out to be quite different from their portrayals in the first two episodes.
Sorry for the long rambling! My brain has not had enough caffeine injected into it yet.
Grandpa here, and I've been down this path. Like the time I bought her that white sweater.... it got returned. I also think back to my dad telling me how individualized cars are, and how it was a big epiphany to him when he realized that it was important for mom to have the car she wanted and not so much what he thought she needed. He and I were both engineers so our brain always wants to go to "let me calculate the solution you need" and people don't work that way.
Let me try to pass along some older guy wisdom, so walk with me here:
Your 'best efforts' as you phrase it were to give her gifts that were what you wanted her to have; not so much what she wanted to have. As an artist, your creations are always about you and your concept of whatever it is. Even if it's meant for someone else, dragon colors and everything. It's still very much your expression. To you, this is a very meaningful thing from you and I think that you want them to be a surprise.
But human psychology doesn't work that way. We all have very individualized ways of how we want to feel loved. That's the main point from the very popular book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. An issue is that lots of people lavish onto their spouse the treatment that they want, not realizing that it's not at all what the spouse wants and their attempts to make them feel love don't work at all. Unfortunately, it's super common.
Now this is where it seems like takes some real jedi mind reading skills and it ain't always easy. You're trying to completely remove the thinking of what you want and slide into their mind and think of what they want. With practice you can get really good at it over a lifetime. To be honest, it's a lot better to forget with the surprises and flat out ask what they want, gather the details and literally write it down. No joke.
First off, masturbation is immoral. It denies all the aspects of rightly ordered sex and seeks one's own pleasure at the expense of everything else. Neither one of you should be masturbating under any circumstances.
Second, rightly ordered sex according to Catholic teaching allows for foreplay, including manual and oral stimulation, prior to or following penetrative sex, provided it's all in the same context/occurrence. So your husband is wrong on that count, but it's the sort of deeply personal opinion that is difficult to change.
In situations like this, my wife always recommends Holy Sex by Greg Popcak. Reading that book or a similar Catholic source may help your husband change his mind. (I know not everyone agrees with Popcak on these points, but I think it's fairly in line with Catholic teaching.)
One other thing: You say that your husband wants penetrative sex frequently but refuses to participate in any effort to bring you to climax. This is contrary to Catholic ideals about sex and the principles of personhood. You are both complete persons and you are both participants in the marital act; if he's just having sex with you to his own climax and ignores your pleasure, he's doing very little different from masturbation.
It is a flawed understanding of human biology to assume that penetrative sex will have the same effect on everyone. The fact of the matter is that women typically need some kind of further stimulation to achieve climax, and some find it almost impossible to achieve climax through penetrative sex. This isn't their fault or something sinful; it's just a coincidence of biology.
It's based on a book by Dr. Gary Chapman
Basically everyone has different ways they express love and feel loved.
There is: Quality time- -Physical touch -Acts of service -Words of affirmation -Receiving gifts
Knowing yours and your partners can be very powerful. It allows you to better meet his needs and for you to better express your needs.
It's great for all relationships!
What consequences has she had to go through? Sometimes cheaters need to feel hard consequences in order to understand that they are walking on borrowed time if they don't shape up.
I hope the both of you are in therapy.
Has any one suggested reading the 5 Love languages book by Gary Chapman? It might help both of you understand each others love languages.
> he doesn't ever offer to cook
> He doesn't buy me flowers, light candles or organise dates for us
You sound like an acts of service kind of woman. Go read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, figure out what your husband is, then start loving on him in his languages. He should naturally reciprocate. Try it for like one month and see if it works.
FYI: People typically have a primary and a secondary language. Use both of his (and get to know yours).
Change your mind.
You speak about the love languages, but do you truly understand all that there is about them? The entire point is that it's not about you, it's about how your partner wants to feel. Seriously go buy the book and read it cover to cover.
The way you describe it is kind of like she hates drinking milk and loves iced tea. But you like milk a lot so you cram milk down her throat because that's all you want in life. And you're pissed off that she has the gall to want iced tea. In fact, iced tea doesn't even enter your mind and if it's brought up, it MAKES YOU MAD BECAUSE I GAVE YOU PLENTY OF MILK. You don't even buy into the concept of iced tea at all. You'd never serve a glass for the rest of your life because you don't value the stuff. You gave milk so why the hell do you keep bringing up that damned iced tea? Enough is enough of that stupid tea!
So let's reframe this. Do you value your wife? Yes or no. Do you value her opinion? Yes or no. Does she deserve to hear that she's wanted, that she's done something well, that you're proud of her and that you love her? Yes or no. This is the foundation that needs to be there.
If all of these are yes, then it's time to make them a priority. "I didn't think about it" or "it didn't occur to me" are cop-outs. Is her happiness and fulfillment a priority to me or not? My take is that doing these things should be fun and make you feel good. I want life to be fun so I bring it--even as I had to be taught long ago, same as you.
I saw an app yesterday that might help. It's iOS only right now, but they're making the Android version. It sends reminders to do and be nice to your partner. It's called emi daily relationship reminder.
> Yes, that's when the orgasms happen.
This is a psychological condition known as sado-masochism and you should see a professional.
> Don't learn BDSM through p***, you will make mistakes and my break something.
Well, it's not the sort of thing that just springs to mind naturally.
> yes of course, all BDSM is consensual. If it wasn't consensual it's rape.
Legally justifiable contractual consent is much less important than actively, positively consenting to participating in some behavior, especially between spouses.
> Also come up what's wrong with degrading?
For the long version, read Love and Responsibility. For the short version, human persons have inherent dignity and should be treated with dignity as human persons. Degrading, dehumanizing behaviors go directly contrary to this dignity and transform human interaction from a relationship of two persons to a transactional use of one person-as-object by another person for self-gratification. Sexual intercourse of this type is hardly worth the name, but is more like mutual masturbation.
Degrading and dehumanizing people is the psychological basis for racism, sexism, genocide, slavery, and the Stanford prison experiment, among other things. It is taking something valued highly by God and treating it as if it has no particular value at all; or, "What God has made clean, you must not call profane."
If you don't mind heavy reading, I say skip to this. JPII wrote it before becoming pope; it covers the theological and philosophical basis for the Theology of the Body.
It's also pretty heavy reading.
He needs loving help. Is there a Celebrate Recovery in your area? He will need your support and encouragement to heal.
Libido has nothing to do with it. He is getting sexual gratification from someone other than his wife. I also recommend the book, "Every man's battle" by Stephen Arterburn, https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974
God bless! You can PM me or my wife if you desire.
This was an awesome book on the subject. Everyone should read it, not just men. My wife was shocked. She had no idea this is what it's like for us.
https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974
I’m so sorry you are in this position. I can tell you are hurting, and validly so. Your husband is not fulfilling his duty as a spouse, nor is he committing to the vows he made to you. This is clearly a problem in your marriage that he is at least part of.
However, you can not, and should not try to, control his actions. You are commanded to minister to your husband, to respect him, and submit to his authority (when it is in line with God’s commands for you, and the law of the land you’re living in). You can control your actions alone; any attempt to manipulate your husband will lead to worse issues, not fix anything.
I recommend reading Boundaries in Marriage: you need to figure out what your boundaries are, how to enforce them, and what that means for your marriage.
On another note, a lot of people have a lot of dumb things they say and ask newlyweds, especially if they don’t know you guys are struggling. Pray for grace (and more grace!!) when you encounter those comments: they might stop after years 2-3, but I doubt it.
You were dating an 18-year-old and humans change a great deal between then and age 25 when the brain finally stops growing and maturing. Whatever she was 3 years ago is out the window.
But all is not lost. These are things we can and should talk about. I'm with CompletelyChaotic in that we all have different ways that make us feel loved. That is the premise of one of the most popular books in this sub: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. This works best when both understand their partner and choose to give the way their partner likes it.
We all have different ways that make us feel loved. That is the premise of one of the most popular books in this sub: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman.
To explain it, there's this video that does a decent job of introducing the topic: The 5 Love Languages Explained. And both of you should know that this road goes both ways. It's equally important for him to understand what he can do to make you feel loved and supported.
No, you aren’t doing anything wrong. From your comments, can I assume that you are Christians?
If so, a helpful book from that perspective is Intended for Pleasure link
Whether or no, tell him that you love him, and that he needs to talk to you about it, even if it involves something hard.
Be prepared for the possibility of something dark.
Both of you might find these books helpful:
The five love languages This one is great for determining the ways you and your spouse like to give/receive love. It is a AMAZING book!
Not "just friends" This one is really for people who are going through an affair, but it is a good read to help "affair-proof" your marriage by learning about the dynamics that happen when affairs begin between platonic friends.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!!!
Sometimes it just happens that , many small unresolved things/foxes keep getting added up. One of my friends wife bottled up things for long time & finally got up and left. It was too late for doing anything. Some men & women goes through buyers remorse / mid life crisis.
“Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming! Young Woman” Song Of Solomon 2:15
There is a saying that in healthy marriage there are lot of disagreements, but they talk it out before going to bed . “Joyce Mayer” I think said about her husband, that they do have intense moments of fellowships - “arguments”. When one spouse is always saying like, whatever you say, they have given up.
Ephesians 4:26 “And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry”
As long as it’s not abusive, give your best shot. Physical separation sometimes helps love. You both can try reading a book “five love languages “ . I used to tell my mom to divorce dad & that he will never change, he was abusive & alcoholic. Now I am glad that she didn’t, although they both stayed apart for many months/years at times.
Having eternal perspective is so important. Will pray for your family, you will overcome👍🏻🙏
Oh! You know what might help you... this book:
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
If you're having trouble understanding the nuances of love- what it means to you or others, how you naturally express it yourself and the way others might express it- this book spells it out for you. It classifies expressions of love into 5 categories (calls them "languages") and gives examples of how they look in a relationship, how to identify which category you best associate with, how to meet the needs of someone with a differing love "language", how to express your specific needs in respect to feeling loved, etc.
I mean, it may not solve everything but it might give you additional insight and help you reframe the situation.
Hey buddy, I would suggest picking up this book and reading all the way through. It has very helpful insights and actions you can take to help rid yourself of that stuff. Hope it helps.
https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974
You may benefit from reading, for example, Bible, Gender, Sexuality by James Brownson, a theologian at Western Theological Seminary. It may help you address the claims you're referring to while also providing broader context of the issue at hand.
I was like him when we started out, but I decided to change myself. I grew up in a good and supportive family, but we didn't hug or say I love you. Meanwhile over in her family, everyone's going to hug you and everyone says they love you daily at a minimum. My wife taught me to be a hugger and to express love and I made the change--and my life is so much richer. It was good for our kids too.
I wish I could have a chat with him. As another guy, I don't think highly of his answer that "he's never been that way" because your asks are so basic and normal. As another guy, I'd tell him he's selfishly playing with fire because the day might come when you decide to exit the marriage in order to live the remainder of feeling loved and wanted.
I wonder if he might be willing to learn something to improve the marriage? You can honestly tell him that this marriage has real problems. It doesn't matter what was then, this is now and you have changed. You two could learn from this book:
We all have different ways that make us feel loved. And you're not feeling loved right now. He can't talk that away, it's what you genuinely feel. That is the premise of one of the most popular books in this sub: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. To explain it, there's this video that does a decent job of introducing the topic: The 5 Love Languages Explained.
Here's the Amazon link for it.
It bothers me that I know people genuinely believe what they say to me, but I don't so I need to pull out an appropriate reaction out of my ass.
You're probably missing a fundamental thing:
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/
Until encountering that concept ( which I then dug-into via a website, not a book ), I was always getting it wrong, the mis-match between communication-styles with other people.
I cannot understand "gifts" as communication-means: just not wired that way.
Other people, cannot understand any other means of communicating valuing...
Please dig into the concepts of that, whether in a book or on Le Web ( La? Web? .. do French people deem the Web to be masculine or feminine? ), & maybe it's fundamentally a communication-language problem...
( :
If he's in any way interested in changing, he would try. He could start by reading
https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974