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I read a book about love languages. It was from a Christian perspective but I think anyone could get value from it. Basically the take away was that we all show and feel love in different ways. One of the best things you can do is figure out how your partner feels loved (their love language). It may be verbal, physical touch, actions etc. You then make a conscious effort to make sure that your partner knows you love them by using their love language and not just your own.
Edit: wow a lot of people apparently saw this. Here is the book on amazon if anyone was interested:
It's apparently less than $5 as an ebook. No I'm not the author. Good read even if you ignore the religious perspective it is great to work through with your significant other.
In case anyone doesn't know the reference: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=five+love+languages&qid=1600148058&s=digital-text&sr=1-3
This book would have saved my marriage, if I had read it early enough.
She’s pretty clearly motivated by the idea of having money, and I cannot stand her thus far, but this conversation reminded me of The Five Love Languages. (An absolutely amazing book and a breezy read that everyone should check out. I can’t believe how much it made me understand myself and others.)
Basically, for some people, gifts are their love language. And I don’t necessarily mean that in a materialistic way. Giving and receiving gifts, however small, makes them feel loved. I don’t like using the phrase “gold digger” because it has such misogynistic connotations and also implies that there’s something wrong with transactional relationships when they’re actually perfectly fine and quiet common.
But I’m curious about Larissa—I wish we could tap into a parallel universe and see how she reacted to him having a bouquet of flowers for her when she arrived. Would she have bitched about the quality of the flowers like Daya in season two? Or would it have given her a little reassuring emotional boost that protected her from feeling such deep disappointment when she saw the underwhelming dreariness of Las Vegas for the first time?
I want to like Colt and dislike her, but I suspect they both may turn out to be quite different from their portrayals in the first two episodes.
Sorry for the long rambling! My brain has not had enough caffeine injected into it yet.
So ... I read the article. Searched up the book the author wrote on Amazon. Another book was recommended as part of the search:
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CGI3F9M/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_yHUZDbHQQ0YT5
Looked good for a bunch of reasons to me. Did the assessment at the end of the first chapter and yikes. I'm in what's almost definitely an emotionally abusive and destructive marriage.
Typing on mobile so keeping it short but naming what I've been sensing, what I've been trying to address via marriage counseling (he's very resistant), just be naming it is helpful.
The book looks like it'll provide some guidance on how to assess the age old question of "Should I stay or should I go?"
Will report back with insights applicable to Dimily.
Check out Boundaries in Dating!
It's a great book that has helped a tremendous number of Christians navigate the dating world!
Here's the Amazon link for it.
It bothers me that I know people genuinely believe what they say to me, but I don't so I need to pull out an appropriate reaction out of my ass.
You're probably missing a fundamental thing:
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/
Until encountering that concept ( which I then dug-into via a website, not a book ), I was always getting it wrong, the mis-match between communication-styles with other people.
I cannot understand "gifts" as communication-means: just not wired that way.
Other people, cannot understand any other means of communicating valuing...
Please dig into the concepts of that, whether in a book or on Le Web ( La? Web? .. do French people deem the Web to be masculine or feminine? ), & maybe it's fundamentally a communication-language problem...
( :
YTA for responding that way. Of course you are. She's trying to be nice and show you affection and that she loves you, and you responded by being an ass.
You both should read The Five Love Languages, which talks about how we each feel love and show love and if we both speak 2 different languages, there's a real disconnect in communicating. The 5 languages are physical touch, quality time/communication, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts. I can tell you right now, your GF's love language is words of affirmation, and that's what you're experiencing in her complimenting you, and you just completely rejected her love. But words of affirmation are not YOUR love language so that's not what you need to feel loved. Seriously, read the book. It will help.
>When it does happen she seems to enjoy it but I always have to initiate it so it feels forced to me.
Do a web search on "reactive v.s. spontaneous desire".
Also read https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00OICLVBI/
People have active sex lives into their 60s and 70s. Some even into their 80s, so no, you're not too old.
Totally. And from your comments I can see that you've already grasped a really valuable piece of wisdom! As powerful as feelings are they do not exempt us from the question of truth:
- I have developed a lot of feelings for this guy, but what kind of character does he really have?
- How strong is our relationship, really?
- Can this person shoulder a lot of responsibility in life?
- Is this the kind of person who will make sacrifices for me and put what’s best for me [or our family] before himself?
We are beings with emotions and we should never be ashamed of them. However, emotions are frequently blind, and this is why we need to also engage the intelectual part of our being. Otherwise we'd be like stranded castaways whose undiscerned feeling of thirst persuades them to drink seawater even if its saltyness is going to dehydrate them more instead of helping with it.
Responsibility is generally one of the most important things to look for: someone who sees you as an undeserved gift he's being entrusted with and which he should guard--as opposed to someone who feels entitled to something from you, or who's only there due to a desire for your body, instead of a real interest the essence of who you are as a person.
Ps. A great read while you're going through this is this book. Don't let the name of the author mislead you, this is actually one of the most beautiful studies on love and the psyche out there. [And where I learned a lot of what I'm speaking about here].
You've already gotten a ton of great responses, but I thought I would add that one of the best things my wife and I ever did was when we read the Love Languages book. Among other things, we learned that words matter A LOT more to me than they do to her. She used to swear or say mean things to me and she would be fine the next day but I would be crushed for like a week! She had to realize that words are not light things to me. Maybe your husband is the same?
If that sounds familiar to you, do what my wife did: Drown him in positive language. Every little thing he does that you like, tell him. Be specific. "I love you" "I'm so glad you're good at X" "I'm happy you're home" "I loved it last night when you said/did X" "When I married you I knew you would make X Part Of My Life better, and you have. I'm so grateful for that"
You can say mean things or swear at him on occasion, but only if it's outweighed by like 20 other positive comments! If you can't think of 10-20 times you've said something nice to him, then just swallow your complaints. To him, if he's like me, words are like bullets. The book goes into greater detail.
Of course I learned what my wife needs from me too, but it's less relevant to your situation. I made a task list on my phone and was sure to speak her Love Language at least several times a day.
We used to have horrible fights. We haven't had one in years now.
Good luck!
I'm so sorry to hear of your marriage struggles. Don't be embarrassed to ask for help! I am currently in the process of divorce but while I was trying to sort out some of the issues in my marriage, I read The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick and it was very helpful to me.
Most of the time if it hurts we will switch to something that is pleasurable for him, which can be hands, mouth, or rubbing on each other! But I know that he also loves to please me so we sometimes have separate times where it can be focused on him being pleased and some where it’s focused on me being pleased. Since at this time piv is not pleasurable to me.
My advise would be to pray that God reveals that to her. And to pray over all of this daily. And to be open with her about your values and the ways you feel. Think and process all of your feeling and then sit or lay with her and share your heart, be vulnerable. When you communicate try to use “I” statement. Don’t say “well you make me feel like sex isn’t a blessing” try to lovingly tell her “___ is why I believe sex is a blessing, and I’ve been praying (if you do pray) that we would be able to start and see sex as a blessing. I feel like sometimes we don’t see it that way and I’d like to be able to make love with you in a loving and satisfying way for both of us” tell her your desires to please her. Tell her how sexy she is to you; Everyday. Your woman must know daily how much you desire her and how she drives you crazy. Love on her.
You should read https://www.amazon.ca/Men-Only-Revised-Updated-Straightforward-ebook/dp/B001E2NXBG And your wife should read https://www.amazon.ca/Women-Only-Revised-Updated-about-ebook/dp/B001E2NXBQ/ref=pd_aw_vtp_1/141-0209269-4630018?pd_rd_w=DyNXQ&pf_rd_p=047da840-f435-4147-a53a-3628bc654a5c&pf_rd_r=KDNDYNFRNZM0DMA82819&pd_rd_r=ded32dcd-be00-4b69-a783-0899...
And then swap them and read the others perspective too. :)
YTA. Go to the store right now, buy some Cadbury eggs before it's impossible to get them. In fact, buy all the ones you can say you can save some for surprises later. Take her an egg and apologize sincerely.
"I am so sorry for not giving you an Easter basket. I can see that it is very important to you and I really screwed up by not giving you anything for the holiday, especially when I said I would. I will make a bigger effort on future holidays and special days, so that I show you how much I love you."
Then read this book: The 5 Love Languages. It is simple and may save your marriage. I'd suggest buying a physical copy and highlighting parts that make you think of your wife. Let her see you reading it - it shows that you care and are trying to improve. When you're done reading it, ask to sit and talk about it with her.
https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glc_0643NQ5TTMS12NZA2HSK
I would guess that gifts are one of your wife's top love languages. She spent time putting together a basket of your favorite things as a way to tell you that she loves you. From her point of view, you clearly told her that you don't care about her at all.
Apologize, and learn to do better.
In 2018, Anthony Scaramucci wrote a book called Trump, the Blue-Collar President, where he argued that "Donald Trump and his economic policies were the best bet for our country's future". By 2020, he had completely changed his mind, saying "that experiment has failed spectacularly and tragically".
Questions for Couples: 469 Thought-Provoking Conversation Starters for Connecting, Building Trust, and Rekindling Intimacy (Activity Books for Couples Series Book 3) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0722KGHDL/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_qMduFbW1WWZCA
♥️
I read a book about love languages. It was from a Christian perspective but I think anyone could get value from it. Basically the take away was that we all show and feel love in different ways. One of the best things you can do is figure out how your partner feels loved (their love language). It may be verbal, physical touch, actions etc. You then make a conscious effort to make sure that your partner knows you love them by using their love language and not just your own.
Edit: wow a lot of people apparently saw this. Here is the book on amazon if anyone was interested:
It's apparently less than $5 as an ebook. No I'm not the author. Good read even if you ignore the religious perspective it is great to work through with your significant other.
How do you prove that either Scaramucci or the Germans of Pri Nazi German didn't know what they were doing?
> If Scaramucci wasn't fired from Trump wouldn't it stand to reason he would still be working for Trump administration? Isn't Scarmucci book still being sold on Amazon? It is
Scaramucci is playing both sides, he is not to be believed.
~$6 investment. Go into this and ignore all of the religious "stuff" and don't get caught up in the last example is "do whatever it takes to the extreme". Kind of like the "Men are from Mars..." books. Easy quick read that may add some insight, at least allows you to define some additional approaches to resolving conflict.
On the other side (I'm a project manager by profession), having a project (marriage) fail, is ok. Sometimes it's the best outcome of the current situation.
Keep talking regardless. I know it sounds dumb - but communication stops when you stop communicating....
Have you read the book The 5 Love Languages? I ask because one of the ways that they talk about expressing love in the book is by giving gifts. And if that's not your love language, you might not recognize it was being an act of love. Instead it's annoying.
Of course that's giving your MIL the benefit of the doubt that what she's doing is out of love. If it isn't, then it seems like she's more marking her territory, like a dog peeing on a fence.
There are a lot of books. But you really only need the original and its actually the Five Love Languages.