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Tell them that it is wrong and explain how it hurts them and their perspective of relationships. As a Christian (who struggles with it) I believe that lust/porn/masturbation is sin. BUT YOU MUST NOT demonize the sin or them. It is a very difficult thing to struggle with (especially in our culture) but you must not demonize it. Nearly everyone struggles/has struggled with it before.
The main issue with the way abstinence only education is that they don't know how to respond. They don't know how sex works on a physical, mental or spiritual level aside from, "Wait until marriage." They don't know how far they can take it without sinning and they don't even know how far they can take without doing something stupid. You can't tell someone (who is a human being designed for sex) that they mustn't even look the wrong way at someone or they'll go to hell. I'd recommend a book "Every young man's battle. It's a book (from a Christian perspective) of how to deal with that stuff. It's a very real and relate-able book that has many good ideas and techniques even if you aren't Christian. Both the authors struggled with lust/porn/masturbation/pre-marital sex but eventually left it behind.
TL;DR Explain how it's wrong but never ever demonize them or the issue. It's not the end of the world. Good luck buddy.
He needs loving help. Is there a Celebrate Recovery in your area? He will need your support and encouragement to heal.
Libido has nothing to do with it. He is getting sexual gratification from someone other than his wife. I also recommend the book, "Every man's battle" by Stephen Arterburn, https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974
God bless! You can PM me or my wife if you desire.
This gentleman's name is Jason Wilson, and he wrote a book aptly titled "Cry like a Man". I bought it off Amazon after hearing him on the School of Greatness podcast with Lewis Howes. It was a fantastic read, and really gives alot of insight in to the societally pressures we as men face, specifically around the topic of crying and it not being perceived as being "manly".
Link to book: https://www.amazon.com/Cry-Like-Man-Emotional-Incarceration/dp/0830775943
Link to podcast: https://lewishowes.com/podcast/defining-masculinity-and-its-power-with-jason-wilson/
This was an awesome book on the subject. Everyone should read it, not just men. My wife was shocked. She had no idea this is what it's like for us.
https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974
Hey buddy, I would suggest picking up this book and reading all the way through. It has very helpful insights and actions you can take to help rid yourself of that stuff. Hope it helps.
https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974
I'd read other things first (i.e. sidebar, https://www.amazon.com/Biblical-Masculinity-Blueprint-Attraction-Relationships/dp/1948252074/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=blueprints+biblical&qid=1610318242&sr=8-1, RPC blogs) and I'd be wary about giving it to someone who was new to a new Christian or who lacked biblical discernment. Also, as Richard Baxter said "Make careful choice of the books which you read: let the holy scriptures ever have the pre-eminence, and, next to them, those solid, lively, heavenly treatises which best expound and apply the scriptures, and next, credible histories, especially of the Church... but take heed of false teachers who would corrupt your understandings." - in other words, read the Bible more than anything else.
I haven't finished watching the video yet but in it he talks about his faith. He basically says he identifies as a Christian but recognises that he isn't a Christian in the same way as Dalrock is (who he sought views from when writing the book). Based on what I've read from him in his other books and seen in the video I agree with his own assessment.
I probably will check it out at some stage but there are a lot of other books on my reading list first to get to.
I am not married but I have found this book very helpful: https://www.amazon.ca/Biblical-Masculinity-Blueprint-Attraction-Relationships/dp/1948252074
The best part is that it’s written from a Christian perspective and it’s directed at men. It includes topics like how to develop yourself as a man and Christian before marriage, understanding relationships dynamics, foundational biblical marriage principles etc.
If he's in any way interested in changing, he would try. He could start by reading
https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974
My book is one of the Christian ones for men.
The Biblical Masculinity Blueprint: A Christian Man’s Guide to Attraction, Relationships, and Marriage in a Messed-up World
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QPQ9FRD/
"It's good to be a man" is supposed to be decent. They've had some run ins with Dalrock when he was still blogging and were standoff-ish and generally negative toward the Christian manosphere, so I'd take it with a grain of salt.
The other ones on the sidebar are mainly secular I believe.
honestly as a porn addict that was Christian then a porn addict, if we had a jumping off point earlier we probably would have
porn addiction and shame isn't just lust, it's a reactive response to things going on around him that he can't handle; you add being married, kids, financial responsibilities and the inability to correctly offload those feelings, you're going to see this behavior over and over
that being said, my porn addiction is now a huge ministry and I participate in Celebrate Recovery every week - God can work it all for His will
If you want to fight for him I recommend "Worthy of Her Trust" if he needs someone to talk to, I can listen or even help him out
Start with the Bible and the Sidebar, and pick up a copy of The Biblical Masculinity Blueprint by u/Deep_Strength. That will get you off to a good start.
Are you born again?
First of all, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It sucks (you can check out my story in my history if you want. You’re not alone.).
have him read Worthy of Her Trust I also read this one myself so I could get an idea of what to expect and what to ask for.
Also have him read The Love Dare
Therapy for him and/or both of you, possibly also for you as well
Talk to your pastor
Come check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
I did! I was your bog standard Christian indoctrination, mixed with an (un)healthy dose of every mans battle. Highlights included: biological essentialism, complimentarianism, and if you don't baptize your kids immediatly they are in grave danger.
https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974
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Just about the only thing I would say was good marital advice was 1) don't go to bed angry, talk it out first and 2) be open with each other about your finances. But, literally any secular marriage counselor would tell you both of those.
At least the pastor doing ours was married unlike my catholic friends getting marriage counseling from some 75 year old dude whos never been in a relationship with someone over 13 in his life.
> You're wasting your time by commenting I'm ranting/venting because it's frustrating you're probably some boomer who easily found a virgin who had everything else you wanted and now want to complain about a young man complaining
Ah, ignorance is bliss. Maybe you should listen to what I'm saying because I actually married a Christian virgin less than 5 years ago in this cultural climate.
I wrote a guide and book on it too.
https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/actionable-steps-to-finding-a-wife/
https://www.amazon.com/Biblical-Masculinity-Blueprint-Attraction-Relationships/dp/1948252074/
If you want to rant and complain then have at it. I'm not going to waste my time with someone who doesn't want to learn. You do you.
I advise you to read Everyman's Battle it's a Christian book about the struggles of porn and lust it has helped me on my journey https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974
> You can begin with reading two books I will recommend. The two authors don't 100% agree with each other and they are secular. Why are they secular?,...because no Christian authors that I have ever run across knows anything about RP and most aren't that great at marriage counseling and most just serve to "finish off" the dying animal with bad advice and bible platitudes. I have formal training under a Pastoral Major and am disgusted at how Christian leaders have dropped the ball. So the two books are below,...learn what you can from them. You're not going to get anything on a Reddit Sub that gives you more or anything better.
Haven't read my book?
Hey man, I know how you feel. I’ve struggled with pornography for about 12 years. I’m actually reading a book titled “The Death of Porn: Men of Integrity Building a World of Nobility” by Ray Ortlund.
In this book, Ray writes a series of six letters, as if he were a father writing to a child. It focuses on the battle against porn not being about porn at all, but about hope. Pornography often leads us to devalue ourselves, so another main premise of the book is that we (both men and women, as they both play equal parts in the predatory porn industry) are created by God to be royalty, and Ortlund wants to remind us that God wants us to see ourselves as royalty.
It’s a fantastic read so far, and I’m only halfway through. I hope you can use this (amongst all the resources previously recommended) to see your royal value. We all love you, man, and God loves you.
Y'all might be simply incompatible. Or, you both might find a resource like this helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974
Personally, I'm a Buddhist but I'll look to other resources when available, this book is based on a fair amount of Christian scripture. But it's used to the point of learning to respect your wife.
Yes, my wife caught me with porn and it was painful to see how it broke her heart. 15 years later, the issue still comes up for her. And this is in a situation where I sincerely take responsibility and apologize, and tell her I'm dedicated to being a solid husband. No more porn, etc.
Still young? Immature? It may take years for him to grow up, unless he puts in some work. See if he'll read this book.
The Death of Porn by Ray Ortlund is an insanely helpful book. I would recommend it to any Christians struggling with pornography. Its loaded with the hope of the good news and brought me to tears on a regular basis. Its only six chapters, and I definitely think it’ll help!
Not just any therapist. He likely needs a sex addict specialist. Get one online if you're in a small area.
Btw, this porn thing getting out of hand is more common than you think. Read this yourself.
Every Young Man's Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation (The Every Man Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307457990/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_V12WC7K0DYRWEREHHTY4
I do already have a book on the topic. Biblical Masculinity Blueprint
Although the book is on the Scriptures and relaying godly relationship advice rather than analyzing RP structures.
Yep, had two accountability partners over the years. In my experience it was just two people having really awkward conversations.
At least in the areas I ran in, accountability partners were pushed as the only way to "get free" from "sexual sin". Went to a men's conference that pushed that once. Lots of people touted how great Every Young Man's Battle was, which pushes that idea. They all taught that 1) if you're a man you're already addicted to porn and 2) you need a buddy who's going to shame you every time you look at porn, or else you'll become a sexual deviant and all your romantic relationships will be destroyed. Really messed up stuff.
Definitely ditch the app. It isn't helping you.
I'll add one myself. Wild at Heart is a man's man book. It really helped me get motivated for life. Amazon has over 2,000 reviews at gives it 4.5 stars. He hits issues head on. I won't kid you this book jolted me. It's sold millions of copies for a reason.
It's OK to be a fuckin' man!!
It does have a Christian author but any man can get a lot out of this book. At the end of each chapter he lists some some versus that support his points. No biggie.
Consider audiobook if you commute.
Hey OP, it sounds like no matter which way things happened right now, you're still struggling with trust issues because instead of taking him at his word you came here. Which I'm not saying is a bad thing, I'm just saying something isn't sitting right and you wanted to make sure that at least the tech part was true. My point is, after you initially found out have you guys talked through or worked through all you were feeling or was it more of a that was a long time ago now let's drop it? Point being it's likely you're still holding on to some hurts, my husband and I have been slowly working through this book and it's been really helpful for healing things with us. The book was really good at voicing things I was thinking and helping us to understand each other. This book does touch more on sexual sin, but if this doesn't seem like the right fit for you, maybe a general book on trust building in marriage would help you both.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1601425368/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_o0LuFb1Q4G00X
First of all, dealing with lust as a teenager is very difficult because of the hormones, but that cannot be an excuse to throw your hands up in defeat. Jesus is able to bear our burdens because He did that very thing on the cross. When you bring this lust to the cross and submit yourself to living righteously, battling lust becomes a lot easier.
I recommend Setting Captives Free. It's a free ministry that teaches you to battle lust with the gospel, since the gospel is meant to soften our hearts to living for God, and sin is a heart issue at its core.
I would also recommend the book Every Young Man's Battle. I read this book when I was 20 (I am 30 now), and I have still retained the information in my use against the desires of the flesh.
As someone who also has a temper and can fly off the handle when talking about being accountable with my SO, I can relate.
IMO, if he's willing to do the work to be sober and accountable for his actions, he should also seek help for his anger issues. For me, I feel ashamed and upset and all the feelings when I talk to my SO about being accountable.
It is uncomfortable for me and I start to go on overload however over time I've found it does get better and I feel better because I'm able to focus and calmly express how I feel. Maybe suggest reading some books about porn/sex addiction like 'Worthy of her Trust' Worthy of Her Trust: What You Need to Do to Rebuild Sexual Integrity and Win Her Back https://www.amazon.com/dp/1601425368/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ls1pCbD9F8SP1 It is a Christian book and he does talk about God a lot in it, but there are a lot of helpful tips for him. I was overwhelmed by how much information this book contained.
Whats the program you are using for web searching? My SO and I are looking for a good one and are having trouble looking for one.
Read this book. Christ was a total badass. Basically, he told the Romans to go fuck themselves, knowing that they'd eventually execute him. https://www.amazon.com/Wild-Heart-Revised-Updated-Discovering/dp/1400200393/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1545367475&sr=8-1#
I presume this book is mentioned in this sub frequently, but I highly recommend "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Arterburn.
I'm a late-30s man and I still frequently go back to this book.