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100% stop giving her money, now.
Here are more tips but you have to decide what is necessary.
Block her number for awhile and give yourself space. She isn't a relationship worth having. She just tears you down. I know "it's family," but sometimes, that isn't enough. She isn't making ANY sort of effort to repair or GIVE into your relationship. She is just taking. (I have no idea why you pay for things for her...)
I would cut it off for 1-6 months and see how it goes.
Let other people deal with her, if she hasn't driven them away, already.
She will never learn anything if people keep helping her, despite the 1-way relationship.
Read up on Boundaries. It's the best lesson I have ever learned regarding relationships.
>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.
You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).
To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.
It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.
Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.
Boundaries is a great book about developing this skill. It has some Christian references (which you may or may not be into), but it is such a useful book.
What Father (above) said! You are beloved of God and nothing about your temptations and struggles changes His eternal love for you.
Overcoming sin in general and sexual sin in particular requires that we look into the occurrences of sin with the Lord and examine what we're really seeking. When we can identify the human and impulses desires behind the sinful acts, we can turn them to the Lord.
There's a book I'm reading that I'd heartily recommend titled: Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. I'm about 2/3 of the way through and have been edified and encouraged by how the author guides readers towards meaningful & lasting healing.
In any case, I'll offer a decade of the rosary for you. Jesus loves you dearly and will never abandon you.
I was living independently prior to my daughter being born. She interferes as much as I allow her to. You are a 31 year old woman. You are the only one in control here.
You really need to read this book, hold on I’ll link it
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_66Z8DFY5TEWFVHDY5B0G
This book was so encouraging to me! I also struggle with OCD and this book talks about the many well-known Christians who most likely suffered from some type of OCD too. The title is silly and I wish he had spent more time wrapping it up but this book has truly impacted me and encouraged me and I would recommend to any believer with mental illness but especially anxiety disorders.
Edit: oops didn’t tag OP /u/AngloSaxonCanada praying for you. I know it’s a lonely battle... 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 are my life verses. Jesus’ grace and strength is the only spiritual reason I can come up with for what I experience. It’s enough for me because He has walked with me through it all and I enjoy the special, daily companionship I get to enjoy with a him because of it. God bless
I forgot to mention a book that really helped me and my husband with boundaries (and my husband isn't much of a reader of self-help literature). We each grew up with a PD parent, so we need help!
When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=dp_ob_title_bk
It is Christian-based, which would automatically have made me reject the book (because I don't like Bible-thumping), but actually it totally changed my mind about the morals and ethics of setting boundaries. We must, say the authors, in order to grow personally and spiritually ourselves, and to make sure others are free to do the same. They say boundary-stompers must be stopped, and we must stop them.
It is great, I promise! I re-read it every time I feel guilty about my mother, which is a lot, and get a boost of confidence every time. I've had it on my bookshelf for at least a decade. The guilt and manipulation of a PD parent is fierce. This book's concepts is like garlic for that.
My husband and I liked their other book, "Safe People" just as much, but I don't find it on Amazon. It is here: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/safe-people-henry-cloud/1101957885/2679450583166?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Core+Catch-All,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI16vy1rGc2gIVnkoNCh1REQo1EAQYAyABEgL5uPD_BwE
My husband read Safe People in one sitting and announced his mother wasn't a safe person, and immediately totally changed the way he relates to her--which saved our marriage and family. He LOVED the Biblical stuff because his mother used to use Christian values as a bludgeon whenever she wanted her way over everyone else's. This stopped that.
Other people gave good advice re therapy for all. But some important points:
-Ex needs to understand this is your home. You need ground rules. She's a welcome guest until she can get back on her feet. For example, one of your rules to stay might be therapy. Maker a written list (even where she needs to park her car) and have a sit down ASAP.
-Great book idea might be "Boundaries" as it teaches you how to nicely draw the lines to protect yourself. And you need to stay safe in order to help. So read it so you can help them more.
-While you can forgive her & I hope you do, that does not mean you need fully trust her. They are not the same.
You can do this friend.
​
You might find this book helpful. But, in short, you have to trust in God's grace instead of your works for salvation. I know it hard at times.
https://www.amazon.com/Can-Christianity-Cure-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder/dp/1587432064
This gentleman's name is Jason Wilson, and he wrote a book aptly titled "Cry like a Man". I bought it off Amazon after hearing him on the School of Greatness podcast with Lewis Howes. It was a fantastic read, and really gives alot of insight in to the societally pressures we as men face, specifically around the topic of crying and it not being perceived as being "manly".
Link to book: https://www.amazon.com/Cry-Like-Man-Emotional-Incarceration/dp/0830775943
Link to podcast: https://lewishowes.com/podcast/defining-masculinity-and-its-power-with-jason-wilson/
Ps, you need the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" and perhaps also the book on Boundary by Henry Cloud. The last one may have some Christian undertones but can be read by non religious people too....
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_2F5ZT2VCRW6KX9A64442
Boundaries, my friend, are not inherently un-Christian!!
You sound like a awesome, smart, wise, mature kid who's unfortunately more mature than your parents. I'm so sorry your parents are treating you this way. Please keep in contact with positive people you trust (grandma, coach, counselor, etc). This is completely your parents fault, not yours!
You might also find supportive folks in r/justnofamily and/or r/raisedbynarcissists. Not everything may apply to you, and their advice can be blunt - but I think you need to be careful with your parents and set some healthy boundaries. I also recommend the book Boundaries. It's written from a Christian perspective and is a great resource.
So much to unpack. It sounds like you really can't help your mom. After all, how do you help someone who cannot/will not help themselves? That said, do not pay bills. It would be like giving a drunk a drink. You would be just enabling her.
I will suggest a couple of books.
Now to be funny: You know your financial plan is working when other people make fun of it. :)
Think about it. The people around you are all broke and in debt, but ridicule you for being wise with money....
Good boundaries will help you see when you’re being used. Manipulation is the number one indicator of being used, male or female, romantic or platonic.
I wasn’t raised with good boundaries, so I took on responsibility that wasn’t mine and chased men that took advantage of me. I didn’t deserve that cause damn, I’m awesome.
This book helped me figure things out.
Kings, keep you’re head up and protect your hearts.
OP, your initial reaction to this incident should also prompt you to look at yourself.
I highly recommend you buy and read this: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life.
A good Christian friend of mine has OCD. He said this book was helpful:
I like this book here But I've worked on it a lot during counseling. People who grew up in abusive households, or were bullied as kids or sexually abused, or just ones whose parents gave them no privacy or agency can result in adults who struggle to maintain and observe, healthy boundaries. It's not easy, but it's worth the emotional work.
Appreciate your compassion and suggestions. Thank you kindly.
There's an illuminating and relevant collection of work about somewhat similar states of being called "Spiritual Emergency" with Ram Dass, Stan Grof, and others.
Without delving too deep into a complex issue, I've discovered that the resonances I mention extend beyond the online digital matrix. There are definitely algorithms that data-mine everything and create feedback loops using keywords and such, but the really bizarre realization is that the echo-like nature (what Dr. John C Lilly called the Earth Coincidence Control Office [ECCO]) cascades over into the so-called real world. For example, phrases are repeated back to me: I'll say something on the phone to one individual, and then later that day have the exact phrase said to me from an entirely different person. If the reality could indicate the purpose of these recursive repeats it would be easier to deal with why it duplicates and reverberates redundantly. It can be alienating and disorienting to impart a specific phrase to someone, like the number: 161803, and then have a totally different individual repeat it back to me in a separate and unrelated occasion. Is this a common experience for other people? It truly feels like being in the matrix.
Great recommendation about spending time in nature. I enjoy being outdoors - sauntering and cavorting on this beautiful planet. The extended time in cyberspace is due to all of the "pandemic" issues and general lack of friends. I don't need a counselor, I need love.
Hey, I know it may seem like it at times, but you’re not alone. There are more people who have crazy family problems than you might realize, but for some reason they tend to hide it. One thing that really helped me was this book on boundaries. If you can afford it, it may help you to work on establishing healthier boundaries with those around you. In my case, that meant going non-contact with my parents because they refused to respect me or my partner. Another thing that helped was finding a therapist that I could talk to. Opening up to a professional can be really intimidating, but I am 100% in a better headspace because they helped me to come to terms with those family problems at my own pace and supported me along the way. I realize that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but hopefully some of these thoughts help you get through this!
Self mortification isn't about distracting yourself from or punishing yourself for temptation. It is the taking on of voluntary suffering to draw you closer to the Lord.
At best, this is a stopgap measure. What is really needed is a careful examination of your desires and needs so that they can be placed before the Lord. Sexual thoughts and temptations are expressions of legitimate needs that have gotten twisted up and turned inward.
May I suggest 'Unwanted' by Jay Stringer? His book is an excellent guide to examining sexual struggles in this light and moving beyond the battle to victory in Christ.
Doesn't really answer your question. But let me recommend the best book I've read on combatting lust:
Cloud and Townsend. I believe they wrote several versions, but here is the one I read:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.zNuFbR2EVZBX
One point: I was not expecting it, but the book does have a strong point of view of religion. While that isn't something that resonated with me, it did not detract from what I learned. In fact, some parts actually helped, seeing the way boundaries could be applied in situations that are generally dogmatic and about following the rules (dealing with church leaders).
Yes! Amazon.
I recommended it so someone else recently and they pointed out that it has a lot of religious references in it. I completely forgot! If that doesn't bother you you can find the book here and the workbook here.
I'm not religious but am in an AlAnon program, so I replace "god" with "higher power" and it works for me.
I've got a great suggestion for you. Must read Boundaries. It is the gold standard to teach people how to set boundaries. It's a great life skill that can be used at work and home.
You need this book!
The best therapist I ever had recommended this book to me almost 30 years ago, and it turned out to be the key that unlocked one of my chains. I hope it helps.
Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. https://smile.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538327070&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=boundaries+book
You DH has a boundary problem. He needs to work on that if you want a solution.
I highly recommend this book for it: Boundaries
Although it is more religious than I am personally, it is still one of the best written books I have found on how boundaries can work in families.
My husband’s parents were similar to yours in a way. They were frightened at what they saw happening to their son (being deluged with OCD thoughts along with serious anxiety and depression) and they were uneducated in what OCD (or any mental health issue) was. There was a lot of “stop being so selfish”, “you’re making your mother upset, why can’t you cheer up”, “stop thinking about sinning all the time”.
This book “The Doubting Disease” really helped my husband figure out what his OCD meant, and also his parents found it helpful as well.
https://www.amazon.com/Doubting-Disease-Scrupulosity-Compulsions-Integration/dp/0809135531
OCD thinking will always make you doubt. You’ll never be entirely sure of anything. That is part of what makes it so insidious. You have to learn to accept uncertainty and move on.
These are some mega boundary issues going on. He needs to be able to set boundaries with his mother, as she is stomping all over his (and yours). There's actually a book on this that is written for Christians and is really helpful.
You two are a team now, it's you two vs the problem, it's you two seeking advice when you deem it appropriate. Money is a "our" thing, not a "his" or "my" thing - finances is one of the trickiest parts of marriage. Marriage is full of growing pains. It can get really really hard. Stay on the same team.
One practical tip that I've found helpful: doing a walking rosary when you need to discuss something hard. Start the walk saying a rosary together and then discuss the topic on the walk back. It centers you both in prayer first, and then it also can be easier to say hard things when you're side-by-side instead of face-to-face.
I'd also recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend, I think it would give you two a lot of good food for thought. It's about maintaining healthy boundaries from a Christian perspective, which includes what you let in and what you keep out. https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/
Last week, you chose each other. Now you gotta keep choosing each other every day. You gotta root for your own team, no matter how grim a particular season may seem.