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Codependency books:
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![Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No-To Take Control of Your Life [Miniature Edition] (RP Minis)](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51I3ByS6-cL._SL500_.jpg)
Top Reddit reviews mentioning Codependency books:
A lot of the issues are psychological in nature. I wasn’t a “neck beard” but I was a “nice guy”. There are several issues with “nice guy” thinking/behavior:
- The incessant people pleasing or the inability to say no due to a fear and or lack of ability in handling conflict
- Lack of boundaries
- Covert contracts - the “if I’m nice to you, you’ll be nice to me” or “if I help you, then you’ll help me” thinking that goes on behind the scenes that is never fully verbalized
- Lack of understanding that one has needs, it’s ok to pursue said needs, and you are the only person who can fulfill those needs.
- Indirect pursuit of needs - If you need help, ask for help. You don’t help someone thinking they’ll help you in return when it was never promised. Etc.
This book changed my life:
Posted this above, but i do suggest you read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts.
Gives some insight into why people are addicted, how the brain works, etc.
We'd need to provide mental health and addiction support as well.
A lot of homeless people have trauma, addiction, and other mental health issues they need help with.
Read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction by Gabor Maté for some great insights into how people become street homeless addicts.
I highly recommend you read the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, he tackles extacly all of the things you mention.
- porn addiction
- masturbation
- not having needs fulfilled in childhood, which leads to drama in adulthoood
- learning how to communicate own needs
- learning how to set boundaries
- learn to love and show affection
It isn't a pick-up, or a seduction book, it is a self help book for men. Oh and if you are in America, there are No more Mr. Nice Guy support groups, which will highly increase your recovery success.
https://archive.org/stream/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy_djvu.txt
4.6/5 in Amazon with more than 4000 ratings, the book is that good.
https://www.amazon.com/-/es/Robert-Glover/dp/0762415339
I read it a while back, but I think I am going to read it again, since I realize I may have fallen in old habits deemed detrimental to my wellbeing.
Let me just add to this that I know a lot of people have had shitty upbringings and deal with toxic parents. If therapy isn’t an option right now, or even if you are in therapy I recommend reading this book.
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407
How do I stop? You leave this abusive relationship. If you need help understanding your situation please get this book. It may give you the push you need to leave. You are not responsible for his anger!!
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100% stop giving her money, now.
Here are more tips but you have to decide what is necessary.
Block her number for awhile and give yourself space. She isn't a relationship worth having. She just tears you down. I know "it's family," but sometimes, that isn't enough. She isn't making ANY sort of effort to repair or GIVE into your relationship. She is just taking. (I have no idea why you pay for things for her...)
I would cut it off for 1-6 months and see how it goes.
Let other people deal with her, if she hasn't driven them away, already.
She will never learn anything if people keep helping her, despite the 1-way relationship.
Read up on Boundaries. It's the best lesson I have ever learned regarding relationships.
>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.
You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).
To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.
It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.
Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.
Read this book! It is not about becoming a dick to others but learning to stand up for yourself
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No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
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"Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.
If ur into reading at all, there is this book book and it has helped me SO MUCH. it’s modern, helpful af, and so far no religious-ness tied in.
Remember the greatest gift you can give her is the boundaries and space to discover that she is enough on her own.
Codependent No More . This book changed my life and my approach to relationships.
So sorry to hear about your mental health struggles—it sounds like our situations aren’t too different. But without knowing many specifics, I can only recommend what resonated with me most when I was recovering:
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Also, if you’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts or impulses for years, you may need more than self-help books to change your mental health. It took a combination of literature, social support, therapy, medication, and meditation to get me on the road to mental health recovery. If you find things to be too hard, reach out to whatever resources are available to you. The US has the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Please do whatever it takes to feel better—you’re worth that!
I like the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
Be prepared to do some deep digging and to uncover some painful hangups you have about yourself, the world, and your childhood. The biggest one for me: Acting perfect is actually boring and repels people, because it's fake and everyone knows it. As long as you wear a "perfect person" mask, you will never be able to make real connections with anyone. Peoples' flaws are what make them interesting to others. To make real connections with people, you have to be vulnerable. The more open you make yourself to being hurt, the more opportunities to connect with others you will have. The second biggest hangup for me: Acting needy is something almost nobody likes, except maybe your mom. It is nobody's job to meet your needs, except you. It's not immoral or bad to go after what you want and to be honest about it. People generally respect that, a lot more than they respect acting nice.
For dating advice, check out Models by Mark Manson.
https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
It's good advice, and it's not sleazy, which is great.
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Also. Women like hot guys. Just like YOU like hot women. After the baseline of feeling safe around someone is established, women want the guy who is aggressive, driven, handsome, strong, tall, competent, and dominant. They don't want a little boy. That doesn't make them whores, it makes them women. I don't imagine you look at how nice a girl acts as the primary indicator of attractiveness. You look at their looks, their interests, their personality, their sense of humor. Well, so do women.
Your wife doesn't respect you, simple as that. The problem isn't her, its you. Do yourself a favor and read this book before you go see a divorce lawyer, trust me it WILL HELP.
I don't have any advice -- I just wanted to offer support and encouragement. I find myself suggesting this book more often lately, but "Toxic Parents" really helped me work through a lot of issues with my own parent. It's not specifically about narc parents but rather toxic and abusive behaviors in general and how we can learn to set healthier boundaries to protect ourselves.
No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A Glover. Let me get this straight. You have a master's degree and you're making six figures.
Your girlfriend is an unemployed couch surfing parasitic leech with barely a high school education, who spends all her time on her hobby which she never earns any money or considers charging people. Then bitches at you constantly about how she thinks your job is a joke, and other passive-agressive abuse.
The issue is you tried to turn a hustler into a housewife.
She's hustling you. 100%. She doesn't respect you because she has no respect, and more importantly you don't respect yourself.
The issue is you're a doormat with no ability to set boundaries.
>I really don't know what I am doing wrong. She makes me out to be a sex-crazed monster when all I want is to have an intimate moment with my partner.
You probably arent doing anything "wrong". Abusers know what you want and withhold that from you to gain a position of power and control over you. To make you change and behave how they want you to behave in order to get to the goal post, then they move the posts. Its part of how the cycle of abuse works. And why its more like brainwashing and conditioning.
You cant change her. You cant make her trauma better. The only person that can do that is her. She has to take responsibility and accountability for her actions. I would recommend that you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. It can help you to understand the way she is treating you is because of her not because of your actions or choices. That you are being used as a punching bag for how she feels. And you cant make that stop. You cant control that. You cant fix her. Love does not fix people. They have to take responsibility for themselves. Its the only way that works. And it takes time. I know thats now what we want. And its not fair, really, that a victim has to go through this part too, but trauma has to be treated like any other condition.
Buy this and read it https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321
Arguing with a bpd doesn't lead anywhere. There is no reason for you to fight for a full week. Seriously, read the book. Then decide what you want to do. You deserve better.
Boundaries is a great book about developing this skill. It has some Christian references (which you may or may not be into), but it is such a useful book.
She went from devout to athiest in 1 month... but claims you are her God? No, dude, this cannot and will not end well for you. Submitting in a BDSM context is a bit different than calling you her God... BDSM should be built on trust, communication and an understanding of expectations. Codependency is a terrible thing, easily confused in the space as that trust, but its terrible.
Might seem odd, but read this book to learn more. It's a classic text about what codependency is:
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
Reminds me of a book I’m reading called Codependent No More
Glad you’re focusing on self-care and what’s right for you!
If he had depression and rejects any type of way of addressing or handling it, then he is choosing this behavior. I'm sorry, maybe that's unkind or not modern thinking, but it's what I believe (and also how my therapist views it vis a vis struggles I have with my own spouse). So, I would then view your job as to determine what your boundaries are in relation to someone who chooses not to participate in your marriage or family life.
It is not at all 100% applicable, but I found the book Codependent No More very helpful for a somewhat similar dynamic. It emphasizes a few things:
- You cannot control him, only yourself.
- Bending over backwards to accommodate the behavior by taking on all of the workload, is a way of enabling that harms you.
- Are there SOME areas you can assert boundaries? For example, are there things that he doesn't reciprocate such that they are essentially extra favors you do him. Doing his laundry, for example, or providing extra things for his convenience. Find ways to reduce your workload and use that extra time and energy to meet your own needs because no one else is going to.
- Sometimes all you can do to change a dynamic is to change your own actions in that dynamic. As above, you can't make others change. But sometimes when you change your own actions to be healthier, it creates an improvement cycle that results in other changes as well. This has been my experience.
So a lot of the book is about addiction, and that may not apply. But it is a really helpful read. Take what you need from it, what benefits you, and ignore what doesn't apply. I cannot tell you how much this book changed my life (and my marriage) for the better.
> I treat and spoil my kids so much. I show them so much love, I do the same to my wife. But I feel totally ignored in terms of any of my own needs.
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Let me translate this for you:
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>I put everyones wants and needs above my own, teaching them that my wants and needs are less important then theirs
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This is a dynamic you have actively built day after day and now you seemed surprised by it. You repeatedly CHOOSE to ignore your own wants and needs and then wonder why they aren't being met. Make different choices and things will look a lot different.
You can see/make friends, you can go do things you want to do, but you choose not to because you value your wife's happiness above your own. Not surprisingly her and the kids have adopted the same mindset, where their happiness carries more value then your own.
Pick up a hobby/interest and get out and do something a few hours each week.
Plan activities and invite the family, go even if they choose not to join.
There are a million ways you can start putting yourself first without being disrespectful. Will your wife like it all the time? No. But using that as your primary decision making factor has gotten you to where you are now.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
read that book as a start
Curious if this has effected your sex life yet? Do you have the frequency and quality of sex you would like?
Read this if you haven't, it will help a little bit: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321
It's quite sad for them. There's no denying that. They never asked to have that disorder.
May I suggest something? Splurge on something nice and pampering for the person who's been mothering the neglected, abused child inside you: you.
Get your mom a card or some flowers if you want, also, but do something nice for yourself. Mothering ourselves after a lifetime of hurt is one of the toughest, but also most rewarding, jobs.
Also a book suggestion, if you're interested: Toxic Parents, by Dr. Susan Forward.
Your dad acted like a jerk and it sounds like he acts like a jerk a lot. I grew up pretty damn conservative and I gotta tell you, I don't think this is because he's conservative. I think he's a jerk.
Not sure if this will apply to you at all or not, but part of disengaging from my conservative family involved learning more about codependency. I discovered that I had spent my whole life trying to make sure that others around me were happy at the expense of my own mental health and well-being. I really recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to learn more about this. It was literally a life-changing book for me, and it might help you build some coping skills to deal with your dad.
A "successful relationship" with a pwBPD means a calm one, extraordinarily rarely does it mean a supportive romantic partnership. Is that what you're wanting for the rest of your life, to take care of someone who is ill while never having your needs met? Whether you would say yes or no, I'd highly recommend reading this book, which will help you set the necessary boundaries to have a baseline relationship:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321/
I know I sound like a broken record but here are my thoughts. I have been married for 25 years. The first 23 sucked because I tried to tell her what she wanted to hear and not the truth. Once again I am going to recommend the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. All Men are taught at an early age to please women, Mother, Then all female teachers and so on it has been this way since the early 60's when male role models disappeared and the rise of the divorced single mom.
The first 23 years of my marriage we spent trying to keep the peace and if I had to lie to do it that was fine. The problem was no one respects a wimp that lies about everything and kisses everyone's ass. After reading the book (its also on audio) I started being honest no matter who got pissed off. My wife could now rely on me giving her the truth. Yes that outfit makes you look fat, Yes you are being a bitch. When this honesty comes out, women will be upset and pissed off but later they will respect you for telling them. For the women who walk away.... Let them....
By being honest with my wife, and I have told her how close I was to walking out on her, How I feel when shes a bitch.... we have had some major come to Jesus meetings. Today I get laid more that I ever did by her in my 40's and 30's. Their is more peace in my home because when something is bugging me its addressed and worked out.
If I was young again I would either go MGTOW or I would be very very careful who I chose to fuck with and start a relationship with. Plus for you young guys its so much fun to just speak your mind, Call bullshit when you hear it and let women know that you could careless if they are mad at you.
This book is not about hating Women.... I would say its more a guide for going from a blue pill simp to a 100% male red pill guy
You will go back to your normal healthy self, it will just take time. I think you are experiencing a short-term coping mechanism as a result of trauma. Remember, sociopaths have a brain disorder were certain parts of their brain do not function correctly or at all and crucial connections aren't are there and the dysfunctional brain developed in utero or within the first 4 years of life. You are an adult with a fully formed normal brain and it won't change (short of brain damaging injury.)
It's actually pretty common to think you might be a sociopath after ending a relationship with one. And wonder if those close to you are paths too. Hard to trust after getting involved with one, ya know? What you knew of human beings got turned on it's head but just remember they're only 1% the remaining 99% are not socio/psychopaths so your chances of running into one again are slim plus you now have KNOWLEDGE and are aware of the warning signs and can make a quick exit if you suspect.
You're in a more strategic and aware place than most of humanity as the majority of people are completely naive about this god-awful predatory disorder that wrecks havoc on peoples' lives. You know now and can protect yourself.
I'm pretty logical/scientific and don't read self-help books or bs like that but i found this book incredibly helpful. I mean, check out the most helpful comment.
You're gonna be okay :)
(https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0425279995/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1)