>EDIT: Downvoting someone clearly trying to have a legitimate discussion and calling me a racist does nothing. If you wanna have a more fair admissions process you can't just downvote every opinion you don't like.
I agree, but I feel like you're missing the point behind all the downvotes/name-calling.
When you're trying to have a discussion on a controversial topic, you not only have to watch for what you say, but also how you say it. When you say something like "on average Asian Americans lack in personality", you can pad it with formality and kindness—but at the end of the day, it's still a pretty insulting thing to say.
You might counter that it's not your intention to offend and that you have legitimate reasons for believing your generalization is accurate—I'm sure you do, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a fairly rude statement. If you wanted a better reception to your comment, you should've taken more care to build up your belief in a respectful manner, rather than just slapping it on as the first sentence without any afterthought.
I see patterns like this everywhere honestly—people think that if they're rational and reasonable then their arguments will win the day, but there's a lot more to arguing than simply being logical. I'd like to recommend a book to you:
I think it'll help you avoid situations like this in the future.
You don't need to write anything; it's already been written: You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen. Get two copies and each of you read one.
If you won't read the book, here's the super super distilled version:
say what you mean, be blunt, don't beat around the bush, don't hope he'll figure out what you mean; if you're not sure what you mean, don't say it until you are
ask for what you want - don't assume he'll read your mind - he can't.
take what he says at face value - men don't code their messages - he means what he says.
Read the book
Don't go wild buying textbooks/study guides, but getting a little extra reading material or some reference books isn't a terrible idea. You know, something to break up the monotony, or go to when you need a specific answer quickly (and either don't want to wade through the textbook lessons trying to find it, or it's a more advanced/obscure topic that isn't covered).
Japanese Sentence Patterns For Effective Communication
Stuff like that is good to have on hand.
No it's not. I took great interest in it a few years ago. Within 10 years, there will be face recognition, and body analyzation software that will be able to tell how you feel, or what you're about to do before you do it.
Did you know that globally across the world, there are specific facial gestures that represent emotion? This instinctively tells us that these are born with these. It's inherent, not taught/learned.
I definitely think the doc posted here is amplified in bullshitness for viewing, but it's no pseudo science.
Check out this book on amazon if you're interested.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
and this one by former FBI agent Joe Navarro
https://www.google.com/search?q=fbi+agent+body+language+book&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8
After reading the book and apply principles, it's no psuedo science. I took great interest is just watching people in every day situations as well as experiences with me included.
I can't really say because the messaging has a lot going on in them. This one has good commonality to Cbus but missed the mark on the images. The next one you posted has "GENTRIFICATION!" and the text size is dominate, are you trying to say it loudly or in a negative tone?
Book recommendation - https://www.amazon.com/Made-Stick-Ideas-Survive-Others/dp/1400064287
This is the second similar appeal I’ve seen in two days. Here’s the recommendation I gave earlier: read this book, and encourage him to. https://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversation/dp/0060959622/ref=nodl_#
Sorry to hear about your difficulty with your mom. It must be extra frustrating because you're already stressing about the exam.
If you and your mom get along and she wants to help, try talking to her about what would be helpful for you. It sounds like she's telling you what to do- focus on your work- which you already want to do but it's difficult. First, you want her to understand the difficulty you are going through, then what would be more helpful is being reminded how to focus. Like helping you remember to exercise, eat well, set up a good environment for work.
This book is helpful for having those kinds of conversations. https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
This book, The Fine Art of Small Talk has helped me a lot with initiating and keeping conversations alive.
I can't say I remember any details, but I read https://www.amazon.com/Fine-Art-Small-Talk-Conversation/dp/1401302262 a number of years ago and remember finding it useful. I'm still no great conversationalist but I'm definitely better than I used to be.
As far as your curiosity being satisfied, it sounds like you just need to change the topic to another area of interest.
For flere sjove facts om kropssprog kan jeg anbefale https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723 Det er egentlig ret fed læsning, især for redditors og andre autister.
Hey man, fellow former-religious-conservative-turned-liberal here. I resonate with a lot of what you're saying in your post and comments. A thing that helped me was identifying some steps I could take to be more physically present/inviting to people and then just...doing those things, even when I felt weird/uncomfortable about it. I had to accept that what I felt about physicality had nothing whatsoever to do with reality, and so I focused on external actions I could force myself to take regardless of how I felt about doing those things. I started incorporating brief touches into my conversations with women I was interested in (e.g. when I met her and her friend at a gathering, reaching out and touching her arm as I greeted them), as well as more open and confident body language (I have no idea how body language works, I just took this book on faith).
It felt very weird and awkward at first. I felt like I was being invasive, inconsiderate, and going out on a very shaky limb. It was not perceived that way. I just had to accept that, thanks to the background I was raised with, my social intuitions were sources of very bad information when it came to physicality.
Also, therapy helps a lot. Your insurance may cover a good part of the expense (look for "outpatient mental health" or similar language).
I found this book super helpful for such difficult conversations.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0143118447/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_24A4643GNTA55SBMBC22
I found this book super helpful for such difficult conversations
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0143118447/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_24A4643GNTA55SBMBC22
Another book I think is relevant on how to make ideas (bits/jokes) memorable:
Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die
Summary of the book's 6 Principles:
Simple: Keep the message simple by highlighting only the most important key point(s).
Unexpected: Command attention and curiosity by reframing information in an unexpected way and highlighting the unknown.
Concrete: use sensory information to help your target audience remember your message.
Credible: Make messages more credible by offering away to "help people test [your] ideas for themselves."
Emotional: Frame your message to elicit emotions to make a lasting impression and spur action.
Stories: Tell a story (anecdotes) to instill an inspiring or memorable chain of events in the target audience's mind.
There are books that explore the dynamics of conversation and the general ways that makes and females talk by Deborah Tannen. She explains that men often talk to dominate or compete with other people. Women tend to talk to bring people to their level. There is an idea that women talk more than men. However, that’s men tend to talk more than women just not at home because they don’t feel the need to compete with a spouse. Women tend to defer to men in public but ask men to meet them where they are at in private. Deborah is a researcher linguistic has teaches academically on the way we communicate. I would recommend reading You Just Don’t Understand.
https://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversation/dp/0060959622
It’s from a great book Made To Stick Heath & Heath , and then other PR and journalism concepts such as dont bury the lead
Sounds weird to actually type. But you are basically branding yourself to a partner on these apps. Women have a quick second to look at your profile and make a decision. People make mental short cuts, called heuristics, so you are leading them to make those short cut to swipe on you. Build your profile to the audience you want to attract.
I’m female so I don’t think I have a ton to contribute, but I will throw this out there: some sociologists have characterized men’s socializing patterns as “report” focused, where you’re telling each other about your skills, resources, etc. The goal isn’t necessarily to prove that you’re “better” than the other guys, though for sure there’s status jostling, but more to prove that you’re useful and that you have a purpose in the group. Women’s socializing patterns are “rapport” focused, where you’re communicating belonging and similarity within the group. The goal is to make everyone feel connected. Women can certainly do the status-jostling too, but it’s usually more underhanded and subtle.
Part of why you might be so much more comfortable with women is that you aren’t sure what male conversations are supposed to be about. I can’t really help you there XD but maybe what you’re perceiving as “one-upping” is an effort to seem valuable. Or it could be actual one-upping. XD
You may find it helpful to read “You Just Don’t Understand; Women and Men In Conversation” by Deborah Tannen. Since Tannen is a woman and I imagine she figured mostly women would read her book, she spends more time explaining the guy’s side of things than the women’s side of things. For you though, that might be a bonus. It may help you understand what guys are trying to get out of a conversation, as well as what you like so much about talking with women.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143118447/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_HKG1GYRN53HWPYC21GHW
Not being tolerant of other peoples opinions must be hard for you. This book helped me this year a lot, you gotta make the first step tho and actually decide if you want diversity of thought in your life or if your opinions will continue to limit you
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143118447/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_WYWPHERAD46RVPRBAEY9
I recommend this book for you. Helped me a lot this year.
I found The Definitive Book of Body Language to be helpful! Does a good job of breaking down to specifics. Helped me a lot with picking up on clues from eye contact/movement, posture, and body positioning. Never though of the importance of where someone's feet were pointing until reading this book haha
And Japanese Sentence Patterns For Effective Communication.
The key to getting better is to practice. You need to rehearse the patterns, use them in conversation and in something more than homework until they’re innate and automatic.
Nonviolent Communication! A straightforward formula: 1) “when you (specific action, non-evaluative), 2) I feel (emotion, not thought or sensation, 3) “because I need/value”, 4) “Would you be to willing to (concrete, specific action)?” 5) Check in to make sure they accurately heard what you’re trying to say. Example:
“When you point out how this issue has already been discussed, I feel angry and hurt because I really value doing well at my job and need to make sure I understand this topic. Would you be willing to help me come up with other solutions so I can understand this topic while making sure we use our meeting time efficiently?” I’m really over-simplifying this strategy and I’d recommend reading the book or listening to the audiobook (I chose the latter) to fully understand and apply it’s concepts. It’s definitely helped avoid misunderstandings and helped get my needs met.
It’s so amazing to me how much we have in common. 💕
My eyes often wander and I hate making eye contact. My behavior therapist told me to practice smiling when I meet somebody’s eyes. Not a big toothy smile, just a quick ‘Mona Lisa’ was her words.
Small talk takes practice. Another assignment they gave me was to say hello to three people a day and carry a conversation. I read two books that I really recommend to help me get ideas on how to talk to people:
Top Ten Techniques for Building Rapport Quickly.
Lastly, but most importantly, there is a certain charm in being awkward. Be yourself. If you say something and it’s a little… off… just laugh. Apologize, try and rephrase if you can and keep going. Another poster mentioned that most people are so focused on themselves that they really don’t think about other people- and it’s very true. I completely agree with this idea.
Am I suppose to let them drive at the age of 3 because they understand how to vocalize that?
False equivalence. Cutting off a part your child's body is not in the same universe as "letting them drive at age of 3". That's a completely ridiculous example.
> you didn’t go through my trauma, please don’t tell me how to make decisions in that department
Why does your trauma give you the right to modify the body of another human being?
You seem to be having trouble articulating your point clearly. A few good resources is this book, and also just going through different logical fallacies and learning a few that you regularly fall back on. Here's a coursera on the subject
you need self confidence my dude. this is what you lack, you get scared, you clam up, you technically shut down.
Body Language - Barbara and Allen Pease https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553804723/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_STMQMM6XHZ6J2BY05E3V?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
if you have the time, read this book. im not saying you'll become a 007 by reading this. However, you can at least give youeself at edge. As they say, actions speaks louder than words.
you need self confidence my dude. this is what you lack, you get scared, you clam up, you technically shut down.
Body Language - Barbara and Allen Pease https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553804723/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_STMQMM6XHZ6J2BY05E3V?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
if you have the time, read this book. im not saying you'll become a 007 by reading this. However, you can at least give youeself at edge. As they say, actions speaks louder than words.
It's the most fundamental, metaphysical male/female difference. Men are outer oriented, women are inner oriented. Men's conversations are about external things (ideas, events), women's are about how things affect them (feelings).
You should read this book. It should seriously be considered to be put on the sidebar.
How my skin feels only affects me. No one besides me cares about that. We care about how we affect the external world. Especially when those effects benefit women or society as a whole.
Women care more about how things affect them. How does this make me feel? Does this improve my mood or not? What do the other people (women) around me feel about it?
It wouldn't occur to men that is even a priority: it's alien. Thats why I said you were "so close but so far." You weren't off base but it seemed like the implications of having to introduce basic skin care to Men weren't apparent. It literally wouldn't occur to us that our skin matters (or that we're permitted to care about it considering what our job has been throughout history).
The family in the igloo needs food. All that's available are whales. So get in your kayak and figure out how to get blubber without being smashed.
If Men cared about how their skin felt, or whether they were cold, or frightened, or didn't know where they were going, or how long they'd be gone, or whether they might not make it back more than he cared about feeding his wife and baby, the human race stops right there.
If women cared more about their man making it back or his skin or his hair than whether he took down that whale, the human race stops.
The cultures that cared about men's skin died out to the cultures that didn't.
This conversation shows how far apart the genders are. We are so, soooo different lol.
Maybe Japanese Sentence Patterns for Effective Communication: A Self-Study Course and Reference is what you're looking for? It's a small textbook, but basically gives you a bunch of phrases in increasing difficulty.
Don't know if there's a free / online equivalent.