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Here are some sayings I like because they are lessons I learned the hard way: "What you allow will continue." "You teach people how to treat you." "If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will either."
My dear you also need to work on your shiny spine. This book about assertiveness training will help immensely with that. :)
I have an anxious attachment style too, and initially I thought it was a bad thing. What I like about this theory is how non-judgmental it all is. Your needs are your needs. I NEED more security and validation from partners, so I NEED to look for someone who is capable of giving me that. Secures can do that, while avoidants cannot.
If this interests you at all, I HIGHLY recommend the book “Attached”
I took a summer psychology course in college, called Social Cognition. We spent 5 weeks reading and discussing a book called Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell, and I can't recommend it enough if you want to learn more about implicit bias/split-second unconscious decision making and how it effects so many aspects of our lives. I also grew up in a racist environment and sometimes struggled with old ticks; the book really helped me understand more about why that was happening and what I could do about it.
I'll gift you a copy to help you along your improvement journey. Shoot me a PM if you're interested. Good luck!
You could totally sue her in small claims court for ruining your wedding cake. A police report would really help with that and the RO (as evidence).
As others are saying you should be on high alert now. You are in for quite the extinction burst. There are plenty of MILs on here that are now in jail for attempting things like murder and arson as part of their extinction bursts. As the age old saying goes, "better safe than sorry".
As for DH, it sounds like he may need some therapy to come to terms with the fact that he has a just no for a mother. This list of books will help with that. This book in particular will help him build his shiny spine.
Take all the precautions and stay safe. Congratulations on your newlywed bliss!
100% stop giving her money, now.
Here are more tips but you have to decide what is necessary.
Block her number for awhile and give yourself space. She isn't a relationship worth having. She just tears you down. I know "it's family," but sometimes, that isn't enough. She isn't making ANY sort of effort to repair or GIVE into your relationship. She is just taking. (I have no idea why you pay for things for her...)
I would cut it off for 1-6 months and see how it goes.
Let other people deal with her, if she hasn't driven them away, already.
She will never learn anything if people keep helping her, despite the 1-way relationship.
Read up on Boundaries. It's the best lesson I have ever learned regarding relationships.
>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.
You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).
To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.
It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.
Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.
Yay! I'm so glad you found a therapist that is a better fit for you. Good therapists are worth their weight in gold.
As for the stuff with your SIL, I feel like reading "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" will be helpful for you. It is about assertiveness training and will have you growing your shiny spine in no time (I find that those of us with childhood trauma need help with this). Other resources you may enjoy are www.outofthefog.website and the book list on the sidebar (under helpful links).
Best of luck! *hugs* :)
That is infuriating. She needs to read this book about assertiveness training so she can grow a shiny spine. :)
> I have a really hard time talking to people and get overwhelmed.
This is a book about assertiveness training so you can build your shiny spine. Good luck!
There's a great book that addresses this. It's called Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. It strongly urges people to date others who have a similar level of desire for and comfort with closeness, and goes into the biological drivers for why closeness feels so life-and-death important. Failing that, it gives practical tips for how to make your relationship less anxiety-provoking if your partner is avoiding closeness. Per the book, if your partner is prone to avoiding closeness, that tendency isn't likely to change. The communication tips these trolls are sharing here are gold. I'm trying my hand for the first time at a relationship with someone who also enjoys a lot of closeness and it is the bees knees. Near zero relationship anxiety for 4 months.
THIS! As an elder when I was PIMI I did this many times to other elders and ministerial servants that wanted to step down. And it's an honest reaction for the mindset that you're in at that time. They think that you've worked so diligently for your privileges they don't want you to lose all that hard work that you've put in.
As Pimo24 said. You must be firm. You have to accept the fact that you are going to step on some toes, the elders and your father's.
I heartily recommend the book "When I say no I feel guilty." You can find it on Amazon for less than $10. It is a wonderful book for helping you recover your assertive rights. The truth is most of us ex Jehovah's Witnesses need that kind of training since we have been brainwashed to always be obedient and to give in to the wants of others, always above our own. It is not your job to make other people happy. It is not your job to fill others expectations of you.
Om du verkligen vill prata med dom här kanske den här boken kan hjälpa. Annars är det väl bara att acceptera att alla människor inte har den bästa informationsdieten (men dom vara bra och älskvärda människor för det).
The secure/secure attachment pairing is rare. Most of the attachment types can do okay when there is a secure type in the mix. The anxious-preoccupied and avoidant-dismissive and the avoidant-fearful and avoidant-dismissive pairings are fraught with conflict.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love
might be interesting books to you
It's OK (even preferable) to say that to her.
Make it 'OUR' problem, though. So it's clear to her that you're speaking for you and your husband. Even if he ~~can't find his balls~~ doesn't like confrontation, as you mention in another post.
She's mean, nasty and selfish. You have good reason to dislike her. Then sit down with your husband and tell him if he wants to stay married to you (or anyone) he needs to protect his spouse from the bully who rented her birth canal to him and has been collecting on his use ever since.
If he's resistant to therapy (which he very much needs) here's a couple of resources: When I say No I feel Guilty by Manuel Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
He can find his balls between the covers of those books if he's willing to look for them.
Most people are too picky and self absorbed to be in a relationship. Relationships involve a lot of giving and a lot less taking than the rabidly individualist culture we have moved into. I doubt its a vancouver specific thing.
I recommend reading a book called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
which explains pretty well why people are often not compatible with eachother and yet constantly seek out these same sorts of incompatible people. Break the cycle!
> and THEN when he starts touching me, it actually feels repulsive.
HUGE. Red. Flag.
These types of issues at only 3 months into the relationship, I'd move on to someone more compatible.
You're not LL, you're just LL for him.
You're not sexually attracted to him, and the Pursuer-Distancer pattern you have going on between you is killing off any remaining desire you have for him.
You're just not compatible sexually.
You both deserve to be with someone who is HL for you.
Edit: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love can help you avoid an anxious-preoccupied partner in the future
Nice response DH!
For his spine, he should read this book on assertiveness training. It is so good. :)
I sure do! This book is a great resource and goes into quite a bit of detail about attachment science and how it can affect adult relationships. If I recall correctly, it also includes self-assessments (I read it a few years ago).
On a related note, I wholeheartedly and emphatically cannot recommend this book enough to anyone who is, has been, or might one day like to be in a romantic relationship. John Gottman is a researcher at the University of Washington and basically the Einstein of relationship science. His algorithm can predict whether any given couple will divorce with something like 90% certainty. Don't let the title fool you -- this book dispenses extremely helpful advice for dealing with people in close interpersonal relationships regardless of whether you're married, dating, or just good friends.
Are you an only child? Because I am, and so I was both the Golden Child and the Scapegoat with my Nmom. I too have good memories of my mom doing things with me, but now I question if she did those things to make herself look good or because she wanted someone to tag along, not because she was doing anything nice for me. And despite what good memories I have, all of the bad outweighs it now, so I cut her out. I don’t hate my mom, but I really don’t like her and it’s much better for my well being to have her cut out of my life. It’s so hard reconciling good memories with how she really is, and I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact I don’t have a loving mom because everyone wants to have a loving, supportive mom, but my life is better without her in it. I recommend reading ‘Will I Ever be Good Enough?’, a book written by a psychologist about women with narcissistic moms. https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Holy shit but your mom is emotionally abusing you. It's really hard to see when you're in that situation but I think you're realizing that as well. I'm so sorry.
Have you tried asserting yourself to her? This can be super difficult especially if you and your parents are holding onto the outdated parent/child authority relationship from when you were growing up and haven't really transitioned into a more equal adult-adult type relationship. It sounds from the background you provided that you feel very much like a child when interacting with them. This is very common for many young adults (but even older adults can struggle with it too!) and living with them is probably exacerbating the situation.
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_Bhpkxb6RVKP8Y
Here's a book you should read that can really help you recognize when you're being emotionally manipulated, free yourself from the guilt that allows such manipulation to be effective, and allow you to assertively handle the manipulation. It can even help you assertively prompt your manipulators to be more direct and assertive with you, and consequently less manipulative. The book is called When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith. It's cheap on Amazon. The assertive skills of Fogging, Negative Assertion and Negative Inquiry could all be used to deal assertively and empathetically with your mother. It's beyond the scope of this comment to elaborate on those skills but I really do think you'd find them tremendously helpful for the situation you find yourself in as well as many life situations you are sure to encounter in the future. I can speak from personal experience as a recovering nonassertive person - this book could change your life! Good luck.
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
I listened to it as an audiobook first which I actually liked a lot, since my library had the audiobook for free on the phone app. Then I bought it so I could take notes, look at the charts, and take the quizzes in the book. $9 for my used Amazon copy, $13 new
It's not only about the "avoidant" people, also has good segments on people who are more "anxious" about relationships, overthinking things, caught up in small details, wanting constant communication, etc.
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen- https://www.amazon.com/dp/150113163X/
The Explosive Child - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062270451/
These are the two most helpful, in the order that you should read and implement strategies. If the tactics in How to Talk aren’t working (which addresses how to react to unwanted behaviors), move on to Explosive Child (which is focused less on unwanted behaviors and more on solving the problems that cause the behaviors that you can’t seem to stop.)
I was living independently prior to my daughter being born. She interferes as much as I allow her to. You are a 31 year old woman. You are the only one in control here.
You really need to read this book, hold on I’ll link it
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_66Z8DFY5TEWFVHDY5B0G
I have pretty awful parents. I no longer have a relationship with my mother. This book has been very helpful and explaining my dad’s role in it. this book
I would talk to your pediatrician about some of his behaviour and try reading the book How to talk so little kids will listen. How to talk so little kids will listen.. The author's mother also wrote a book about siblings that I haven't read yet but will as it might help. siblings Both books talk about how timeouts and punishments don't work because it doesn't teach kids anything and just make them feel resentful. I have read both the first book and another book by the second author and what they say makes a lot of sense and they cite the science to back up their ideas.
It sounds like your mother may have BPD (borderline personality disorder - I am not a mental health professional). If so I recommend reading the books "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (both found on Amazon). This list of books has a bunch of great suggestions as well.
Another great suggestion is this book about assertiveness training. It will help you build your shiny spine (if you need help with that, I find that those of us with childhood trauma do). www.outofthefog.website is great as well.
Last but not least therapy for childhood trauma is something that you should strongly consider. Therapy is amazing and it works wonders. I cannot recommend it enough. :)
"Attached" is great (by Levine and Heller). It's easy to understand and explains things clearly. Really interesting stuff.
Going through same w 4yo
Going to be rereading Janet Lansbury and other commonly-recommended toddler books
New one recommended to me that gets high praise is this one
EDIT: encouraging you to "ratchet up" approach regarding potential physical harm. Touching the stove should be taken to the highest level of discipline you'll allow yourself IMO.
I haven't read 123 Magic, but both my husband and I read How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and THAT is a very good book with a sound foundation you can feel good about. https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X
It's all about teaching kids how to express themselves, and teaching them how to deal with emotions. We have 3 very willful, very emotional boys who can tantrum PRETTY hard. The style of How to Talk is all about emotional regulation, redirecting kids to what they CAN do (so that they're not focusing on what they CAN'T do), and it's focused on how to give kids a break when they're emotionally overwhelmed.
It gives a LOT of different advice, because not all techniques work for all kids. Our kids don't respond well to authoritarian demands or raised voices, and aren't people pleasers at all (so they don't really care if you're upset with them). When threatened with losing a privilege, they panic and their emotions get worse, and it's never helped their behavior. They respond much better to empathy and distraction, and they are getting better at talking to each other and to us rather than throwing a tantrum.
So yeah, if you're not feeling the 123 Magic, try something more along the lines of How To Talk so Little Kids will Listen, which takes a much less "condescending grandpa" approach, and more a "the whole point of parenting is to teach kids how to be emotionally-healthy people, not to get them to do what you say all the time."
“Oh no! Your tower fell over. That’s so frustrating! The fun thing about blocks is that you can build them over and over again! Can you put it back together or should we play something different?” Empathize! Something that is not is a big deal to us feels like a big deal to them. It sounds like you’re being supportive, it just takes time. How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen has helped me a lot.