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I'm so sorry! She is having an affair. Affairs can be emotional, as you said. This is so hurtful!
Years ago I heard about a study where they found that people can stay married if they don't love each other, but not if they don't trust each other.
Unfortunately, she has broken your trust and crossed marital boundaries. Her behaviors are not conducive to staying married, and have escalated. To remain married, the affair needs to end, at minimum.
Her personal day alone in the city sets off red flags. I had a family member that crossed from an emotional affair into a physical affair just like this... having their own day alone... as well as not allowing access to their messages, phone, computer, knowing where they were, etc.
Whatever happens, I suggest getting counseling... at least for you, and if you do stay together try to get marriage counseling with a non-lds lds therapist.
A really good book to read together, or separately, is called "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage", along with its companion book, "Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits." Both books are by Williard F. Harley, Jr and can be found on Amazon.
I highly suggest reading the two books, even if things don't work out in your marriage so you'll have the knowledge for future relationships. Hopefully they could help you both now.
Good luck! Stand your ground. Let us know how it goes.
Wishing you peace and healing though all this!
There are multiple meme professions that have no coherent purpose.
Hand-writing analysis, for example.
Body language bullshit primarily finds purchase in the world of high powered CEOs obsessed with charisima training.
https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947
Om du verkligen vill prata med dom här kanske den här boken kan hjälpa. Annars är det väl bara att acceptera att alla människor inte har den bästa informationsdieten (men dom vara bra och älskvärda människor för det).
This is an amazing book and it has really helped me a ton. I love words of affirmation too, it's Admiration in the book. I told my guy to skip to that chapter but he's actually enjoying the whole thing.
Each chapter has a great example, and what you're writing matches the examples perfectly.
I think spouses do that a lot, "now that we're married, I don't have to do that chit-chat thing with you, I already know everything about you!" and woosh, pleasant conversation that women enjoy for bonding goes out the window.
"I don't have to pretend I like fishing with you!" etc etc.
"All that romance stuff" that made you fall in love with him goes out the window, and it's obvious that you're falling out of love with him
Here's his website and a TLDR but yeah, your hubby is insisting on only having his needs for sexual fulfilment met and that's some selfish bullshit that will end badly.
I recommend a great place for you to start is read His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley and do the Emotional Needs questionnaire.
Congratulations! To anyone else looking for guidance in this area, I strongly recommend reading Getting to Yes. https://www.amazon.ca/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0143118757/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=getting+to+yes&qid=1576216449&sr=8-1
You don't need to write anything; it's already been written: You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen. Get two copies and each of you read one.
If you won't read the book, here's the super super distilled version:
say what you mean, be blunt, don't beat around the bush, don't hope he'll figure out what you mean; if you're not sure what you mean, don't say it until you are
ask for what you want - don't assume he'll read your mind - he can't.
take what he says at face value - men don't code their messages - he means what he says.
Read the book
Please find a good therapist to work on these issues. If money is an issue, look for "pro bono" or "sliding scale" or just ask if they have a sliding scale. You can also find some online only therapists as well.
In the meantime, you can read an old version of "How to win friends an influence people" How to Win Friends and Influence People images.kw.com/docs/2/1/2/212345/1285134779158_htwfaip.pdf or you can find the new version that addresses social media on Amazon.
or this https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947
there are tons and tons of books to help you with relationships and talking to people. it just takes practice. you can do this.
I am so sorry this happened. It is not ever easy to identify or find a way to change the system.
I do believe both/all students need to be involved in the conversations as generally the broader the "us" the better the outcome when dealing with aggressors/violent individuals acting out in a relatively closed community.
Good book to address any difficult topic: How to Have Impossible Conversations. https://www.amazon.com/How-Have-Impossible-Conversations-Practical/dp/0738285323
Please keep us updated.
Check out "How to Have Impossible Conversations".
You can care for somebody who isn't reasonable, up to a point. Depending on her willingness to have fair discussions, it may be best to simply not discuss religion/politics and stick to other subjects.
I was reading a book at the behest of my wife. It's His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage(Amazon link). It's not as hokey as it sounds.
So, the thing is, the author outlines a number of things* that members of a relationship need for emotional fulfillment. An number of his list seem to be things you lack from him: Financial support, conversation, recreational companionship, and physical attractiveness to name a few.
Some people don't rank sex as highly as others. It's normal. I'm certainly not going to call you out over not wanting to knock boots with someone who leaves you so unfulfilled in the relationship. You find a different man who fills your emotional needs and you're probably going to be more inclined to tear his buttons off with your teeth.
I'm sorry you find yourself at this point. If he were to go through and start doing the things that you need, would you be able to salvage the marriage? Or is it too late for you?
*Here's the author's complete list:
- Affection
- Sexual Fulfillment
- Conversation
- Recreational Companionship
- Honesty and Openness
- Physical Attractiveness
- Financial Support
- Domestic Support
- Family Commitment
- Admiration
Different people rank these things differently, of course. If you're interested in the cliff notes version of his book, you can get that on the authors website here.
Check out 'The Charisma Myth' by Olivia Fox Cabane. It showed me that charisma is a trainable skill rather than something innate. You can buy a physical copy on Amazon or download it here from bookzz. The bookzz version is only available in epub format.
Read the book “How To Have Impossible Conversations” by Peter Boghossian. Don’t convince them. Instead, gently challenge their epistemology.
You should also check out someone named Anthony Magnabosco on youtube.
If you have anymore questions feel free to contact me or ask here.
How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide https://www.amazon.com/dp/0738285323/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_5a3cFbET55Y4G
Try His Needs Her Needs too.
This is the second similar appeal I’ve seen in two days. Here’s the recommendation I gave earlier: read this book, and encourage him to. https://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversation/dp/0060959622/ref=nodl_#
Look up street epistemology videos and read “How to have impossible conversations” by Peter Boghossian.
It’s a great way to engage people with vary degrees of beliefs and ideas without descending into debates that don’t help with changing minds. https://www.amazon.com/How-Have-Impossible-Conversations-Practical/dp/0738285323
If you feel like your invitations are coming off as needy, I highly recommend checking out this book. It has really good tips on how to put other people at ease, to appear confident, and other techniques that seem to come naturally to extroverts.
A large portion of the book I linked above can be distilled to one key tip: people are mostly self-interested. That is, they only want to talk to you so they can talk about themselves. If you figure out what they're interested in, and ask questions about that, and/or contribute minor comments of what you know about that subject, people will like you. The trick is to listen for topics they drop in the first couple minutes ("my family," "this really hard class I'm taking," "my major"), and immediately ask a friendly question about it. Then they get to talk about themselves - and everyone loves talking about themselves.
Politicians and leaders are experts at this. If you've ever been in a 1-on-1 conversation with someone who has elite status, you might have noticed they focused the entire conversation on you. That's not by accident - they are purposely driving conversation away from themselves, and focusing on the people around them. This makes people like them. A fun thing to try the next time you are in conversation with an elite person, or someone with higher social status than you: see if you can turn the conversation around, and make it about them and their interests. It's more difficult than you might think.
I have a friend who has an issue like this. He doesn't have a huge sex drive, but due to an abusive relationship in high school, she feels the only way to show she loves him is sex. So if they don't have sex she doesn't feel affirmed.
I recently bought this book (just got married a month ago) and it's super helpful. It's great even for non married folk, and even for single folk. I've applied the principles taught in it even in my friendships. The author is a clinical psychologist for 20+ years IIRC...
http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800719387
The latter half of the title isn't what it sounds like, but it really is. The whole book is about how to learn to meet someone's emotional needs and how to express your own. In doing so, it makes them more committed to you.
A great concept he discusses is a Love Bank. Everything you do something that your other half likes, you make a deposit into their Love Bank. When you argue, you make a withdrawal. The more full the Love Bank, the more likely you are to enjoy sex, conversation, etc.
HTH
Aslında dürüst olayım, spesifik olarak önerebilicek bir kitap yok aklımda ancak son zamanlarda amazon dan çok fazla kişisel gelişim kitabı okuyorum (PDF, korsan) ve müthiş yarar sağlıyor. Hem İngilizceme, hem ruhuma, hem de benim bile beklemeye eğim şekilde sosyal hayatıma. Bu aralar çok motiveyim mesela. Ama 2 ay önce her şey relazetti benim için. Şimdi de pek iyi değil ama en azından daha iyi. Sorunun zorbalıkla mesela "get bullied Amazon book" yaz google a ve karşına çıkan, rating i yüksek kitabı oku. Okumak istemiyorum diyorsan en azından yorumlarda kitabın içeriğinden ve nelerden bahsettiği hakkında yorum yapan insanlar var. Onları oku (hiç değilse). Sana bulduğum kitap : https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X/ref=zg_mw_10166949011_sccl_4/133-1003083-2891664?psc=1 yorumlar güzel. Ve eğer bu "kişisel gelişim" kitaplarını hafife alanlar varsa almasın. Çünkü ben de "bir halta yaramayan kitaplar" vs. diye düşünürdüm ancak kesinlikle öyle değilmiş. Sana diğer tavsiyem de, dışarı çık ve kahve alıp, içerek evine git. Bunu birkac ay yap. Rahatlarsın.
It's easier to fool a man than to convince him he has been fooled. You cant logic with an emotional position, all you do is make them more defensive and hostile towards you.
Read How to have impossible conversations and learn how to challenge someone in a safe and non confrontational way.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Have-Impossible-Conversations-Practical/dp/0738285323
Read "how to have impossible conversations" by Peter Boghossian
Basically, it says that arguing about facts is counter productive and the best way to get people to consider another point of view is to create doubt about how they learned what they know.
Get a copy of this book. It has great ways to talk to people about conspiracies.
The “questions” part sounds like the book of questions;
Maybe search for related books?
What I hear from you is that it is important for you to be in a relationship with someone who dresses well and cares about how they look.
Your fiance doesn't do that. He is telling you that through his actions. He is not willing to change that. And he will not change that in the marriage. You are marrying who you see.
Now you know something about yourself and your needs and something about him. Is this something that you're willing to live with? There is no right answer, it's your decision as to how you'd like to proceed. If he's open to reading this book with you, it goes over needs of husbands and wives in a marriage and I believe one of them is looking good/hygiene/dressing well.
Historically, most people do not change unless they themselves decide they need to. So I guess the question is is this something you're willing to live with?
Well, communicating with others is hard sometimes, but practice is what makes it better. Do you have a friend you can trust to practice on? Do you have access to a public library or can go online to look up some self help books?
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X
I found this book super helpful for such difficult conversations.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0143118447/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_24A4643GNTA55SBMBC22
I found this book super helpful for such difficult conversations
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0143118447/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_24A4643GNTA55SBMBC22
This is my recommendation for a starting point for any rocky relationship that isn't abusive. It's a phenomenal book that can really change your life and your relationships. The audiobook is about 9.5ish hours long it you prefer to listen.
I recommend the book "Hold me tight" (link)
It will help you understand what went wrong in the relationship and help you in future ones.
U/peasantstew has articulated the challenge well I think and it sounds like you are really open to trying something different too. That’s hopeful! I don’t know much about your relationship with your partner - this is only appropriate if you and your partner both feel reasonably safe in the relationship - but Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson provides a really good template for having these triggering/emotionally laden conversations with your partner from an attachment-based perspective. The book provides some explanation, examples, and then questions that serve as prompts to have the conversation with your partner.
If either you or your partner doesn’t feel reasonably safe, or if you try this and feel that you’re still getting stuck then I’d seek a consultation with a marriage therapist trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), which is a type of couples therapy that is built around attachment theory, and is also evidence-based. Another evidence-based option (though not explicitly attachment oriented) is someone trained in Gottman’s approach. Another caveat - the evidence-based approach is only one part of what makes good therapy outcomes, so just “a good fit” with a therapist for you and your partner also matters immensely if you end up going this route.
Sending you my compassion and warm wishes today on your journey! Having children - especially those first few years - is a big adjustment to our most significant relationships, so I think the fact that you’re thinking and talking about this is a massive strength.