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Oh jesus christ. I am so, so sorry that your mother is pulling this manipulative and abusive bullshit.
And that's exactly what it is: manipulative and abusive bullshit. I don't know if anyone's recommended you check out r/raisedbynarcissists yet, but please consider doing it. You'll find a huge community of people with parents who have Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders (among others), sharing stories and getting support for situations very much like yours. This whole "I'm going to kill myself because of you" scheme is a common one. My grandmother is Borderline, and she royally fucked my family with these kinds of threats and other abusive, manipulative behaviors.
One thing that's helped me significantly (both to understand how my grandmother's mind works, how to deal with her, and how to navigate the fuckery she's made of the family) is reading books like "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells." I've also been in therapy with someone who specializes in dealing with borderline people, even though I'm not borderline myself. I 100% advocate doing research and seeking advice from therapists about your situation.
And please know that nothing your mother does is your fault. You don't deserve this kind of treatment, and you shouldn't let her convince you that everyone would be better off without you. Because she's absolutely and completely wrong.
I had the same experience! One book I found from that sub that was super useful was “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. I definitely recommend it if you want to feel some compassionate validation and ways to move forward.
Therapy helped me make the decision, but I also got a lot out of this book written by a therapist: "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship"
I really like how this book gives you a list of "diagnostics" that identify things that in this therapist's experience mean you'll be happier out of the relationship - and also defines which things don't really matter for happiness.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002JPGQ34/ref=ppx\_yo\_dt\_b\_d\_asin\_title\_o08?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I'm so sorry that you're going through this :( it really breaks my heart to hear, but I'm glad you have a partner that loves and supports you.
The comment about attachment theory reminded me of a book about adults of emotionally immature parents, which sounds like what they are from what you have described. I'm currently reading it myself and it's been a great eye-opener and later on it talks about how to heal from this. amazon link for the book
Hopefully this can help you come to terms that it's not your fault and you deserved to be love. It might be a long and hard journey to heal from the trauma but I know you will be able to achieve this and I'm rooting for you to find your happiness and the love you deserve!!! Sending you all the positive energies!
Hey OP, I'd like to gently point you to the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents". I just finished it, and it helped me to understand and resolve my feelings around a very similar childhood experience.
Frankly, pretty much the exact situation you're describing in your post is actually discussed in the book (one of the patients of the author went through that with their parent also).
Yep. OP might want to check out this book https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4
You might be able to move out and find a job to pay the rent, but the fact is it's going to be much, much easier if you finish a college degree (or some sort of education) first.
Could you transfer to a school upstate or in the midwest? Rent, food, and other expenses would be much cheaper. Most college towns don't require a car. And you could always take a bus back to the city. You'd be able to live away from your parents and your student loan money would go much farther than in the city.
You should also put psychological healing on your radar. If you've been living with abusive parents, it's going to take time and work to retrain your brain. You may get more targeted responses in a sub like /r/raisedbynarcissists but here are some resources to check out:
- Call 1-888-NYC-WELL or chat online. You can talk to a counselor for free. They'll help you talk through your options for getting into a better situation.
- Kati Morton is a therapist with a good YouTube channel. (Example: Dealing with Toxic Parents | Kati Morton)
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a highly-recommended book
I found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents really helpful in understanding what my parents’ problems were. It has also helped me understand that in addition to the disadvantage of their religious beliefs, they were each not taught to be more emotionally in tune with their children. It doesn’t make the hurt less and it doesn’t excuse the neglect, but it helps me work towards being a better parent to my kids than mine were to me.
https://www.amazon.com/Cheating-Nutshell-What-Infidelity-Victim-ebook/dp/B07XJRCM6D
This book may help you understand why you feel the way you do, and that may help you overcome it.
I know it feels like you're a terrible daughter, but in reality, you're not terrible for wanting to be treated with kindness, love, and respect. Your mother is an adult who is responsible for her feelings and shouldn't be taking it out on you. You're not responsible for any of her trauma either. You can't fix her, because she's responsible for her healing journey. It's unfair to expect yourself to do all the work to repair the relationship if she's not putting any effort into it. You deserve more than that. A book that I found helpful is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.
I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4
It helped me understand that I didn't need to feel guilty. Setting boundaries is the only way to get out from under it. You can do it. Doesn't mean it won't be painful, but it gets easier. It really does. And you'll be a better person for it.
Yup, sounds exactly like my mom. It's been incredibly frustrating. This book helped me with that a lot.
​
(new account because I'm still not comfortable talking about stuff like this online)
You might want to take a look at r/RaisedByNarcissists and r/CPTSD if you haven’t already. They have some good resources and advice about this.
I also highly recommend Lindsay Gibson's book Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
I'm sorry you had to experience this.
Oh I have been here...sooooo many times. I've been married now for 25 years and it was decades of this pattern for us.
Eventually I realized that he has very little self-compassion. And I started focusing on that and thinking about how different I am in that way. I have a lot of self-compassion and can easily forgive myself when I screw up. He is more of a perfectionist overall, and he would rather avoid thinking about a mistake because it feels so bad for him. He doesn't have an internal voice that says "It's okay, you didn't mean to" or "It's okay, you'll learn from this and everyone makes mistakes".
Also, some people can get caught in a "win-lose" mindset during conflict. They feel like in any conflict, someone is at fault and must be blamed. My husband saw conflict this way, and used to always say to me: "You always have to win". He didn't believe me when I said I didn't care about "winning" and that there is no one to "blame" and I just want him to understand me, and to understand him.
When I spent a little more time getting inside his head, then I could see how painful this mindset must be. I was so tired of reassuring him when I was the one who was hurt, but now it's so much better.
Also got him a book called "I Hear You" because it teaches how to validate someone. It helps change his mindset from "I did something wrong, I am to blame" to him focusing on "I can make her feel better in this moment".
https://www.amazon.com/Hear-You-Surprisingly-Extraordinary-Relationships-ebook/dp/B071K4MWMK
I hope that helps
Read this book first before making any decisions: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship. The decision to divorce was made by my STBX. I wish I read this book ahead of time as I could have recognized reasons I should have left.
While not a stoic resource, you might check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. Armed with insights from this book, you might be able to think more stoically about your relationship, and how you've learned to cope (good or bad) with the situation.
I'mma go ahead and recommend "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents".
Other commentators are giving you great methods, tips, and things to say. But this problem goes a lot deeper than you likely realize, and it is SO, SO liberating to see it more clearly and be able to emotionally distance yourself from it. It made a huge difference in my life.
It's a simple read (it's got deep insights but it's written in a very direct, manner-of-fact way) and not super long.
The best approach is to focus on the girlfriend. Very little to nothing has to be said ABOUT mom. Listen, affirm, offer support. Your consistency and levelheadedness is everything.
Basically, think of mom like a toddler. You can't control her actions and "badmouthing" her only makes you look childish. Deal with the consequences, not the root problem.
Examples:
"It seems like yesterday's phone call/visit really made you feel xyz. I hate seeing you go through that. I love you and want you to know that you deserve to be respected and cared for."
"When you did x and your mom responded with y, I know that really hurt. I'm so sorry. You deserve to be treated with care and love."
"It seems like doing x for your mom sometimes makes you feel x because she's reacted with x. Would it be wise to take a step back? If you feel that setting some boundaries may help you, I absolutely support you."
"I'd love for your mom to be able to give you the love and care you need, but right now it's seems she's not going to be able to do that. I'm so sorry. My priority is making sure that your emotional needs are protected. To help with that, I think that we need to consider some boundries with [mom]. For example, we could consider ______"
Basically, speak in a way that if (magically) mom because super great overnight and they were close again, girlfriend would have nothing mean to look back on- just love and care.
(also, I found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents to be LIFECHANGING)
Boo.
Some day you may want to read this book and you may find that it explains some of your dad's behaviour.
I will say that I have found it helpful in life to act politely in social situations. It's great that you're in a group and learning these skills. For me it took practice and repetition to make these automatic. Having said that, the nice thing about being at home is getting to act like yourself. Boo on your dad for ruining that.
I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This book completely changed my view of my family (and ultimately myself). I've been no contact with them for about 5 years now, because ALL of them are like your father. I'm happier and more at peace than I have been in my entire life.
I’m really sorry that you and you’re mom are going through this. Please try your best to take care of yourself. You are in shock, which dehydrates you, so drink a lot of water and encourage your mom as well. Both of you try to eat, drink nutritional shakes until your appetite comes back. And see a doctor for sleep aids. Recommend both you and your mother immediately enroll in therapy, specifically for betrayal trauma. People minimize how traumatizing infidelity is for children, but you have been betrayed as well. Cheating in a Nutshell is a highly recommended book. As well as the Chump Lady Website. Keep in mind you can’t control the outcome or force either of your parents to do anything. Focus on your physical and mental health. You have your own healing. Be a support for your mother, encouraging her to eat, drink, exercise, consider going on walks with her to release both your endorphins, but do NOT become a substitute therapist. Refer your mom to survivinginfidelity.com. Wishing you all the best.
If you read, I'd highly recommend the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." Apples tend to not fall far from the tree and this gave me a lot of context and helpful advice for situations like you describe.
A book that I found very helpful: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
I parented three siblings and had an absent mother, father and stepfather while I did it. Oh so fun and it absolutely contributed to my decision.
Yeah, I mean it sounds like she's just not a great listener.
My wife is similar, she tries but ultimately when I vent my serious problems to her a lot of times I just feel worse after so I find other ways to cope. So generally I stick to just telling her about work drama or simple things so she can hear about my day.
You might talk to your wife about reflective listening.
There's also a great book called <em>I hear You</em> that might be helpful for her.
"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Gibson.
"If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment. You may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met, when your feelings were dismissed, or when you took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent’s behavior. These wounds can be healed, and you can move forward in your life."
"Discover the four types of difficult parents:
- The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety
- The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone
- The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting
- The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory"
I understand that. I lost friends because I was no longer eating and drinking the way they were, I realized they were only interested in someone that fed into their own food addiction. I went back to school after I had my surgery for social work and learned a lot about addiction and codependency. If you don’t mind me giving you a recommendation, there are a couple of great books that might help.
I read this before I broke it off and it helped me come to peace with my decision and have hope for life after a breakup.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002JPGQ34/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_NT6YXNQKQ5E6HGRR771K
karezza people talk a lot about energy that is developed in erotic touch that does not finish with orgasming. there are a lot of classic texts available on this -- for example: https://www.sacred-texts.com/sex/krz/index.htm
i think what is stirred through contact between bodies is, quite often, much more than we think it is. and quite different from what we think it is. so any attempt to reduce it to something -- or to formulate an explanation for why it arises / why it is the way it is -- is going to feel limited.
so maybe, instead of trying to find an explanation, make it your practice to explore how it feels to feel this way now -- make the practice about feeling as closely as possible and understanding as closely as possible what is it like to be in your skin right now. maybe spend some time exploring this lying down, rather than sitting. and maybe wonder if staying with something like this is sustainable long-term.
>Should I see her again, or take a break? How much should I disclose about this activation I've been on, and how much to attribute to our time together?
i d say the ethical thing to do would be at least to have a talk with her. and ask her how was it for her. if she experienced anything like that. and the talk can show if it is worth continuing / exploring further.
my own touch-related explorations -- even if they were not so intense as yours -- were worth it.
btw, i'd also recommend looking into something called "sensate-focused caress". the best book on it that i read : https://www.amazon.com/Sensate-Focus-Sex-Therapy-Illustrated-ebook/dp/B06X9VH2D5/ref=sr_1_1?crid=290VF4WSK3762&keywords=sensate+focus&qid=1644886868&s=digital-text&sprefix=sensate+focus%2Cdigital-text%2C294&sr=1-1