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Death & Grief books:
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YTA my wife has also been diagnosed with BPD and has spent her own time in facilities. Learn about your wife's disorder. I recommend this book specifically written for those of us that find ourselves close to someone with the disorder.
It's not gonna magically make everything alright. But if you're anything like me, you're gonna find the righteousness of your righteous anger will start to melt. You're gonna start to understand why she acts the way she does, because you'll finally be able to understand why she thinks the way she does. And you'll learn how to handle it differently.
Once she's out make sure she gets into some sort of DBT program. Hospital stays do about Jack shit without continuous follow-up.
Great book on this called "On Killing - the Psychological Costs of Learning to Kill in War and Society
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It explores killing in war through history and the effects, largely linked to proximity of the kill, had detrimental effects on the killer.
Some notable facts about the book that I can remember after reading it 10 years ago:
Knife/Bayonett kills, though exceptionally rare in more recent wars, had the most devastating effects. Soldiers cited as feeling a man's last breath had a big hurdle to climb.
American soldiers in WWII were exceptionally bad shots, especially when shooting Germans. Turns out most Americans didn't want to kill people, even during the heroic march to victory. All-time terrible percentage of shooting.
War attracts psychopaths and make up something like 5% of combatants who are out to kill and not the norm.
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If you are interested in this topic I highly recommend the book. Things I read have stayed with me and it never surprises me how much this topic comes up in conversation.
So to recap, you were miserable --> moved 2,000 miles --> still miserable.
The problem is with you. Someone suggested counselling and that's a great idea.
See if this book resonates with you...
https://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-There-Are-Mindfulness/dp/1401307787
Here are my 5 best ways to beat anxiety and depression.
1.) Get this book. It's a classic self-help book that's scientifically proven to beat depression. It's the #1 self-help book recommended by doctors in the United States. You can get it for free at your local library
2.) Meditate. Download the free "Insight Timer" meditation app or do YouTube ocean sounds while wearing headphones. It rewires your brain after 6 weeks.
3.) Live in the present moment. When your mind wanders on anxious thoughts, bring it back to the present moment. Over and over again.
4.) Pray and practice a religion. This will benefit you greatly. Start going to religious services.
5.) Exercise 5 days a week. Try to exercise for at least 30 minutes at a time. Something where you build up a sweat.
Good luck and keep in touch.
Living an average life is a whole lot better than being dead. If you were dead, you wouldn't be able to do any of the things you enjoy. You'd just be dead.
Here are my 5 best ways to beat anxiety and depression.
1.) Get this book. It's a classic self-help book that's scientifically proven to beat depression. It's the #1 self-help book recommended by doctors in the United States. You can get it for free at your local library
2.) Meditate. Download the free "Insight Timer" meditation app or do YouTube ocean sounds while wearing headphones. It rewires your brain after 6 weeks.
3.) Live in the present moment. When your mind wanders on anxious thoughts, bring it back to the present moment. Over and over again.
4.) Pray and practice a religion. This will benefit you greatly. Start going to religious services.
5.) Exercise 5 days a week. Try to exercise for at least 30 minutes at a time. Something where you build up a sweat.
Good luck and keep in touch.
I'm so sorry to hear you and your family had to go through that. Hopefully, your family had a support group. Sudden loss like suicide can be really hard to endure. It doesn't help that it's so unexpected. If you're still struggling with coping, I highly recommend this book. It helped me through my best friends sudden passing last year.
My grandma is the same way, too. In an unfortunate yet fortunate way, I'm glad I'm not the only one who's gone through this type of situation with a church. I actually thought my church was the only one to go against its own teachings and virtues. I'm not crazy after all!
I highly suggest reading On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society by Dave Grossman. It gives excellent insight into how the military desensitizes people to killing and the effects it has had on soldiers, past and present.
"on killing" by Dave Grossman provides a lot of insight to this. Exceptional read On Killing
Get the book "lifetimes" it explains life and death as a natural process and leaves out any magical ideas. It helped both of my kids understand death when our dog died.
I am at 2.5 months since my wife of 15 years died at 39. She also was a healthy amazing mother and wife and overnight was overtaken by cancer. There is nothing to take away the pain but you find some ways to limit the suffering. I highly recommend reading, It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand https://www.amazon.com/dp/1622039076/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_9NXPHE84M9M590RZEVC4
People are going to tell you to look at the good and what he would have wanted but they are just trying to make themselves not feel the pain you can’t avoid.
I don't know if this will help, but many years ago I went to the funeral of a high school friend. She was killed in a car crash at only 23, just weeks before her wedding. The rabbi who was supposed to officiate at her wedding instead spoke at her funeral. I remember so distinctly how he said that the accident wasn't caused by God, it was caused by the slippery road conditions and the science of how a car works. He said that God was weeping too at the loss of such a wonderful young woman. I've seen many people of all faiths find comfort in a famous book by a rabbi called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," and say that it helped them keep a connection to God even through terrible tragedy. You might find it helpful (https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/dp/1400034728).
If you can't go to counseling for your depression, then at least read this book. It was recommended by a counsellor and has helped me a lot:
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, by David D. Burns
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380731762/
That’s a very good point, if you like working through things on your own and reading books, the Feeling Good Handbook is a great way to do that: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380731762/.
But if you can afford therapy, you may as well do both - buy Feeling Good, read a few chapters on dealing with anxiety, and also find a therapist that you like.
I like this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021/
For explaining death to kids (it even helped calm me when my mom died.). It's not religious if that matters one way or the other to you.
Here's an interesting book on the subject (sorry Amazon link - no affiliation!)
https://www.amazon.com/Killing-Psychological-Cost-Learning-Society/dp/0316040932
>The good news is that most soldiers are loath to kill. But armies have developed sophisticated ways of overcoming this instinctive aversion. And contemporary civilian society, particularly the media, replicates the army's conditioning techniques, and, according to Lt. Col. Dave Grossman's thesis, is responsible for our rising rate of murder among the young.
It’s ok to be a wreck right now. You suffered possibly one of the worst tragedies in your life and need time to heal. Here is a post someone shared with me when my father passed.
Also this book: “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” helped my friends understand their grief as well. PM me if you are interested and I can send you a free pdf of it.
Therapy is always a good idea in this circumstance, don’t be afraid to reach out for professional help. Best wishes!!
Check out “Wherever you go, there you are”
It’s such an easy read and it explains the ideas behind mindfulness so well. Before I read this book I had a perception that mindfulness/meditation was just kind of a random new-agey fad thing. After reading this book and practicing the concepts it’s been pretty amazing for my overall mental health.
It’s funny, there’s actually a chapter in the book that talks about how you shouldn’t be going around telling people you are practicing mindfulness because it eliminates the point yet here I am 😂 had to shout it out tho
https://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-There-Are-Mindfulness/dp/1401307787
/u/hikanron since you were looking too
For whatever reason, when I read the question, this book came to mind.
I’m so sorry to hear this. My therapist recommended this book to me: The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061686077/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_7JH5A0ZDR6WNYGPESKWA
Are you in contact?
Passei por isso há uns 10 anos. Na altura um livro me ajudou imenso, descrevendo todas as partes do luto e ajudando a ultrapassa-lo. How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Recomendo profundamente.
one of the best books I've read that helped me heal from devastating losses is How to Survive the Loss of a Love (forgive the dated graphic design lol). I've recommended it to many people & it has very actionable steps that work. the first heartbreak is often the hardest, so she made need space or more social/direct support depending on her personality. you & her might find it helpful. something else that always helped me was to imagine how long we get to live due to medical advances, could be up to 120 yrs for her generation, & life will be full of meeting so many more people that are better suited for her. 2.5 years seems like forever at that age, but it's a short blink in the grand scheme.
maybe share what helped you get over your heartbreaks as well. talking about funny or embarrassing traits former partners had can add some levity to a sad situation.
I’m in mental health and would still recommend going to therapy, it’s a great safe relationship to start working through the anxiety. However, for self work id recommend feeling good by David burns
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380731762/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_1WWNXKNXWD5NK3PPCVZR
Add this to the resource. It is beautiful. Tell her it is a good thing to learn and read together about before she puts the dog down. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553344021/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_NVCZRXT1WXZRXKBP64NQ?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
How to Survive the Loss of a Love (Peter McWilliams); my high school guidance counselor gave it to me when I struggled with a breakup in college. Badly enough that I asked my former guidance counselor for help. It gets better, OP, trust me.
https://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439
Agree with you totally. We’re genetically programmed to be anxious. Certain Congnitive Behavior Techniques are helpful. This book is not well researched just an ephiphany. You can try a more structured approach by seeing a qualified medical professional. If you want to read a book try “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380731762/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_u.V-Fb16E8QJ9”
Another great book is Ending the Pursuit of Happiness: A Zen Guide https://www.amazon.com/dp/0861715535/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_7sW-Fb7RPK3SK
There are over 7.5 billion people in the world. I guarantee there are people out there who will want to be your friend... but first you must be friends with yourself.
Depression fucking sucks. It saps the enjoyment away from most activities, makes you feel like you're living in a perpetual hell, and can make every endeavor feel futile.
You aren't alone. I'm assuming that you're in your teens given the context clues in your post. These years of your life will eventually become a memory, something that you look back and learn from. Things change given time. However, the only thing in life you truly have control over is yourself.
Personally, I'd urge you to look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's something that's helped me tremendously in managing and evolving in who I am. Our world shapes itself around us while we shape who we are. There's a phrase that sticks in my head whenever I think before vs after doing therapy for so long... "Things don't get better... you do."
I highly recommend a book called Feeling Good:The New Mood Therapy. You can get it on Amazon for about $4 (including shipping) used. Or you can find it in .pdf form here if you can't get it in physical form.
I wish you the best of luck. It's taken a lot of time and work for me to personally get to the point where my depression is a faint memory. I know you can get there as well. If you need to talk send me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Edit: Because I can't English correctly before coffee it seems.
My heart goes out to you... <3 I am fortunate to not have had to deal with such a traumatic experience.
For a long time, I handled dealing with grief VERY poorly.. a good friend of mine, a licensed/trained therapist, described dealing with grief in such a brilliant way that it completely changed my outlook on it. I don't know if there's an actual term for it, but I'm sure doing some quick Google searching will come up with results.
The basic premise is that your conscious/life is a square outline, and the grief is this huge ball/mass inside it. At first, the grief consumes your entire being - you literally cannot escape it. But over time, it grows smaller - but it still bumps into the edges of the square (your consciousness) as it floats around. And every time it does that, it hurts just as much as before. This is NOT regression or a bad thing, but we often beat ourselves up thinking it is. No matter how small it grows, it is always there and there will always be moments where it's rough and it hits you.
Using, drinking, etc. does not make the ball of grief go away or become any smaller - it simply numbs up our edges (the square outline) temporarily.
Also, I highly recommend this Grief Recovery Book that a friend sent me while she was going through recovery.
It's not the pain olympics, you are allowed to feel your grief. It's the loss of hopes for that baby, as well as the baby itself that you are mourning.
My therapist shared a resource with me regarding rights of parents and children in a loss situation, and one of the bullet points was to acknowledge the baby. It existed for however long you had them, a complete lifetime no matter how brief.
I've been leaning on "It's OK That You're Not OK" recently and it has a section that covers how friends and family try so hard to help, but just make it worse. Comments like it's a lesson from a higher power or it just isn't the right time. The point she makes is that these events suck, and maybe you didn't need the lesson. I'm paraphrasing of course, her version was much more eloquent.
I hope you are able to heal, wanting to grow your family is stressful enough without having life on difficult mode. /ttcafterloss is full of wonderful people, and there's a few other subs that also might be a good fit if/when you decide you want to try again.
For the people telling him time heals everything, you're wrong.
There is a book that I think would be very helpful, as I'm dealing with a heavy loss this year. here it is
One of the main points in mediation I am told is to not solicit other people to join meditating. But I feel like you might benefit from it. So I’ll recommend this book that’s helped me
Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1401307787/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_wGBdFb7PTC3J4