The best Divorce books: Reddit reviews

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

its really tough but know it gets better. browsing the exnocontact subreddit in moments of weakness helps. making new goals helps. crying helps. this book helps (she has a youtube too). posting here helps. exercise helps (especially rigorous cardio/hiit type stuff). it's just a bunch of a little things that come together day by day as you get through it, which you will. there is also an app called 'i am' that is affirmations (this is on ios not sure about android) and there is a selection called 'heartbroken' and it will send affirmation notifications to your phone regarding breakups and healing i've found it to be soothing. hang in there <3

UGH I've said this in other threads about him not changing diapers but TANNER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE MY EX-HUSBAND.

Jade, girl, just please read this book and consider whether this is really what you want.

You need to get a copy of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

You also need to get a lawyer who has experience with "high conflict personalities" and get your ducks in a row before you make a move.

Your lawyer can best advise you, but going "no contact" if you don't have kids, is often the safest route for you to take.

You need to protect yourself.

>Either she is a liar or her memory is indeed unstable

OP, this is all classic BPD. Not CPTSD. The conditions overlap but have some really stark differences. Unfortunately BPD is characterized by instability in relationships so this is a remarkably hard problem to be up against in a marriage.

Some mental health practitioners will diagnose BPD as CPTSD to avoid the stigma. But it is an inaccurate diagnosis. Here is a graphic to help you understand the differences.

I'm glad you found Stop Walking on Eggshells - you're going down the right road.

Spend some time on /r/bpdlovedones - you'll get more targeted help there than here.

You should read Splitting to understand your worst-case scenario.

At least during my divorce I was not allowed, by court order, to change any beneficiaries of insurance after notified of the divorce. So this might be something to look into sooner rather than later.

OP: I was in the same place just about 2 years ago. It's a shitty place to be and I don't wish it on anyone. Keep your head up it's a long road ahead, but I know I'm coming out the other side now. You can too. try your best not to dwell on it. It's not your fault. Even if you were the crappiest spouse in the world it came down to a choice they made and has nothing to do with you. Them blaming you, or you blaming yourself isn't right.

Honestly, this was the one time in my life I bought a "self-help book" it actually helped out a lot. I bookmarked pages and underlined stuff my ex said it all made a lot more sense when you realize pretty much all cheaters say/act the same way. Your situation is not unique. I gave the book to another people that this happened to and it helped them out as well. Here's a link if you're interested.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0762458968/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1

Also, check out /r/survivinginfidelity helped me out.

I'm dealing with it right now too, and I've dealt with it before so I know how it works. It really just takes time. It stings a little less each day. Even though there are moments of overwhelming feelings that may even feel more intense than before, the overall average is lower over time. If you can look back to when you first blocked him to now you can see it's already gotten better, and it will keep getting better. Then one day you wake up and you realize you haven't thought of him for a while and you won't realize when it happened it just.. did. And maybe every once in a while you'll get a sting from a painful memory but it won't consume you.

Also taking breaks is good but at the same time we need to feeling our feelings to get through them. So know that it's normal to feel intense anger, sadness, and everything in between because repressing them makes the healing process go on longer. It is 'work' like anything else but this work takes place in the emotional sphere. It's intense so self care is really important. I've used the book Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You multiple times for multiple breakups lol and it is the only one of it's type that actually works because it really gets down to the nitty gritty. It's not easy but it's real change. She also has a Youtube channel (I put the vids oldest to newest because her older ones go through more of the book stuff in the beginning) but if you can get the book too that is better because it goes through things in a really methodical way.

chumplady.com

and she has a book on amazon &quot;Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life&quot;

I would start with this book:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_5yrQBbDGX7TAG

Here's what I recommend:

1. Don't give him any more money.
2. Move out immediately. If you don't have the money to afford a new place, and you live in the US, call 211 and ask for assistance. They will be able to connect you to organizations in your community that can provide temporary housing.
3. Cut off all contact with him--no phone, no email, nothing. Change your number, make your FB private, etc. If necessary, move to a different city.
4. Continue working at the parlor until you've saved up enough money to rent your own place, buy a car, and have enough in savings to look for another job.
5. Read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.
   

I'm actually very similar to your situation, except that I already have 3 kids in the mix, which makes it a whole heck of a lot harder. Someone on this thread recommended the book "Too good to leave, Too bad to stay" and I'm now going to recommend this book to YOU.

I started reading it recently, and it's a VERY good book to help you figure out if your relationship is too good to pick up and leave, or if it's too toxic to stay in and to get out. Get it on Amazon here... http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350.

You can find a PDF of it online, or buy it. I am going to buy it to keep on the shelf, because it has so many good thoughts and ideas. Also, if you want the jist of the book without reading it, it has 35 questions to evaluate whether or not to stay or leave, and you can read those questions here... https://divorcesource.wordpress.com/2008/02/01/too-good-to-leave-too-bad-to-stay/

The book presents a question, and then explains a guideline based on that question, and then gives real world examples. It's great!

There's a book called Splitting that seems to be a recommended read for people prepping for divorce.

I like u/HonestInquiryGuy's idea about figuring out how to make it her idea.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820254

Buddy, You did well!

Strength is the way to go!

I would advice you to contact a lawyer now!Get the papers ready and file, it will take a long time (You can stop it any time even the last day at court!) It will set a time frame for her to fix things, and shows her consequences!

Tell her she has up until the final court date to prove she is a safe partner!
Trust me, this works!
It will show her you mean business, it will also cover your ass.

Without she seeing any consequences she won't do the work properly, or take it underground (they do that a lot so watch out)
Consequences will truly snap her out of the affair fog!

And yes you should contact the AP’s wife if he has any, that's the standers action in affairs, you help the betrayed spouses!

I would still advice you to read this: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn

do yourself a favor- spend the $10 on Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life on amazon. I'm about 3/4 of the way through it and it explains these mind games far better than I could.

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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B017QL8X7M/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1

I’m so sorry to hear this. My therapist recommended this book to me: The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061686077/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_7JH5A0ZDR6WNYGPESKWA

Are you in contact?

Passei por isso há uns 10 anos. Na altura um livro me ajudou imenso, descrevendo todas as partes do luto e ajudando a ultrapassa-lo. How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Recomendo profundamente.

https://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439?ref_=d6k_applink_bb_marketplace

one of the best books I've read that helped me heal from devastating losses is How to Survive the Loss of a Love (forgive the dated graphic design lol). I've recommended it to many people & it has very actionable steps that work. the first heartbreak is often the hardest, so she made need space or more social/direct support depending on her personality. you & her might find it helpful. something else that always helped me was to imagine how long we get to live due to medical advances, could be up to 120 yrs for her generation, & life will be full of meeting so many more people that are better suited for her. 2.5 years seems like forever at that age, but it's a short blink in the grand scheme.

maybe share what helped you get over your heartbreaks as well. talking about funny or embarrassing traits former partners had can add some levity to a sad situation.

It's very tricky, but I read a book that opened my eyes. The title says it all: Too good to leave, to bad to stay

This book runs through a series of things / red flags that should indicate whether you should stay in the relationship or not.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this position. My only real advice is that before you do anything, check out the website www.chumplady.com and/or read her book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. By the way, it isn’t saying only that you should leave but rather discussing what you should look for, how to protect yourself and what your first steps should be after you find cheating.

How to Survive the Loss of a Love (Peter McWilliams); my high school guidance counselor gave it to me when I struggled with a breakup in college. Badly enough that I asked my former guidance counselor for help. It gets better, OP, trust me.

https://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439

It sounds like she is disregulated BPD to me as well. I have some experience with this with two family members with BPD. Let me tell you: this is likely to get much worse before it gets better.

Because she has young children, you need to intervene and beg her to get treatment. But it probably won't go well. She may cut you out, may get violent, may sue you for random things, may attempt suicide.

Offer her the help and the support, but have a zero tolerance policy for abuse or violence. Block her on your phone and on social media after the first sign of it. Document all of your interactions with her.

At the FIRST THREAT of self-harm, call 911 and get her put on an involuntary psych hold. This is your opportunity to get her some help. The threats of self-harm (or actual self-harm) will come when she feels she has no other choices to get you on her side.

Reach out to her husband and offer your support when it comes to the kids. It's awful, but you might have to offer to testify against your sister when it comes to temporary custody in order to keep them safe. Make the best interest of the kids your top priority.

/r/bpdlovedones is the closest reddit support sub, but I suggest bpdfamily.com instead. The reddit sub is more about SOs whereas bpdfamily focuses more on nuclear family members.

Suggest to her husband that he reads "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder". Even if he doesn't want a divorce, there are some crucial things in that book he needs to know in order to keep himself and the kids safe and together.

Recommended read: splitting it has some great advice for keeping yourself safe from a high conflict unstable person. I wish you the very best and glad you were able to share here.

I am in a similar boat, similar age, decision not made, but I have kids. I've talked to a few divorce lawyers to find one I liked over a few months about a year ago, but things got a little better, only for her to reveal she's been lonely for years in our marriage counseling last week.

There are a couple books on this topic that I have found can be helpful. One is called Splitting, but it has to do with borderline personality disorder.

Amazon link I know bipolar isn't the same, but it got me familiar with what to expect and what might happen.

Amazon link This is a general relationship book, which I found useful, since I wasn't aware that our relationship wasn't normal.

Beyond those, I would recommend a personal counselor for you to help you sort out your head, and talk things through. I would also recommend to find a divorce lawyer you like, who will work with you, and is within your budget.

Personally, I think if he is taking this job out of state, and you are certain he knows you're not moving with him, then he's kinda made his choice, I'd say.

Best of luck to you

>I had some self worth issues about my abilities and skills and where I was in life after 40

I think you are still having self worth issue, because in your entire post you didn't mention leaving!

You need therapy for you self-esteem issues, no sane man will accept this type of abuse and stays..

Please note, by staying you are showing her that you have low value, thus she lost all attraction for you!

Add to that the amount of "Pick Me Dance" you did destroyed your worth in front of you cheating wife!

The truth is, she is not attracted to you way from before. and from your post I can see couple of reason why, that doesn't excuse her betrayal in any shape or form!

You have read lots of books, but my guess you didn't read the most important book:

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn This book will be an eye opener for you!

READ IT!

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>I have thought of contacting the AP’s girlfriend - who just had his baby. Its not my intention to hurt her - but it could help break the lies and bring everything into the light. Allegedly the AP doesn’t know about me

You have showing her no consequences for her poor actions, so yes you should tell AP's GF, that's the right thing to do!

Please value your self, you deserve better, heck, any women out there is better then her right now!

I wish you the best of luck buddy!

My heart goes out to you... <3 I am fortunate to not have had to deal with such a traumatic experience.

For a long time, I handled dealing with grief VERY poorly.. a good friend of mine, a licensed/trained therapist, described dealing with grief in such a brilliant way that it completely changed my outlook on it. I don't know if there's an actual term for it, but I'm sure doing some quick Google searching will come up with results.

The basic premise is that your conscious/life is a square outline, and the grief is this huge ball/mass inside it. At first, the grief consumes your entire being - you literally cannot escape it. But over time, it grows smaller - but it still bumps into the edges of the square (your consciousness) as it floats around. And every time it does that, it hurts just as much as before. This is NOT regression or a bad thing, but we often beat ourselves up thinking it is. No matter how small it grows, it is always there and there will always be moments where it's rough and it hits you.

Using, drinking, etc. does not make the ball of grief go away or become any smaller - it simply numbs up our edges (the square outline) temporarily.

Also, I highly recommend this Grief Recovery Book that a friend sent me while she was going through recovery.

For the people telling him time heals everything, you're wrong.

There is a book that I think would be very helpful, as I'm dealing with a heavy loss this year. here it is

I hear you. Also, I love you. I'm going to tell you a thing that may be difficult to believe: you are loved, you are loveable, you are capable of love. There is nothing you could ever say or do or think or believe, or, for that matter, not say or not think or not do or not believe that will ever change the fact that you are both lovable and capable of love.

An essential thing for me in acting on the knowledge that I needed to leave the abusive situations in my life was learning to care about my own wellbeing. It was work, it was hard, and it was rewarding.

I'm 42 years old, and for the very first time, I like myself.

A resource that helped confirm my choice to leave my marriage was this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_-kOdFb8X43B2E

You got this 💪❤️

Your feelings are completely valid. I know it's frustrating because you'd like to be there already but forgiveness is not something that can be rushed. There are steps and emotions a person needs to go through at their own pace. The fact that Christmas looms only a few days from now doesn't mean you're at all where you need to be yet in your journey in order to feel forgiveness. Remember this is a forum for circumcision grief... most people in our society have not been trained in the proper handling of grief. I benefited greatly from working my way through The Grief Recovery Handbook.

This book helped me find clarity around a similar question (‘AITA if I leave because he has a trait he can’t or won’t change)… https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=asc_df_0452275350_nodl?tag=hyprod-20&amp;linkCode=df0&amp;hvadid=312674999652&amp;hvpos=&amp;hvnetw=g&amp;hvrand=4426187946557900406&amp;hvpone=&amp;hvptwo=&amp;hvqmt=&amp;hvdev=m&...

Agreed, don't do the 'pick me dance' and read this instead - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&amp;dplnkId=1a68678c-7b7a-423d-b734-e5059d457e6b

It’s sounds like you’ve reached a decisive moment. I know that won’t have been easy. I wish you all the best in navigating your way out of the marriage.

You won’t need this immediately but it might help as a reference down the track: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=705bad5e-1f9b-4b73-93c7-35966f6f9c3e