This is definitely a red flag, and it's not a healthy reaction to hypothetical cheating. I think when he said "you're not going to cheat on me so you have nothing to worry about," it was really threatening and was basically the same as saying "if you cheat on me, I really will do this."
Why Does He Do That is a book that was written by a counselor who specializes in working with controlling and toxic/abusive men. He uses his knowledge of how abusers think and his history of work to help women understand if their relationship has escalated to abuse, recognize abusive and controlling behavior in their partners, and inform women on how to leave an abusive relationship.
You can read it here for free.
This book has seriously helped me and other women that I know. I'm not saying that your partner is abusive, because only YOU can determine that. But this book will help you to figure out what's going on and give you strategies to deal with this kind of behavior. And if what you want is to leave, this book can help you make a plan to do that.
Good luck <3
I'm so sorry for your loss. The only correct response to a death in the family is "I'm so sorry, how can I help." Your boyfriend can't even display baseline human decency. Please think about how/if he makes your life better. You already wait on him hand and foot and that's apparently not enough for him.
Please read this: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_WXVGE4MKDTXHDBW20MN7
He invests a lot of energy in making sure that you always feel like garbage if you don't do what he wants. It's a choice he makes. Nothing he does is an accident.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_WXVGE4MKDTXHDBW20MN7
Not surprised but jumping in on this PURELY to say:
MEN ARE NOT VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY DRINK. THEY ARE VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY ARE VIOLENT.
They may use the booze as an excuse (and it's almost a guarantee that they will, since that's an external habit that can be stopped and they'd rather blame that than actually change), but when it comes down to it, if alcohol never existed? He'd still hit you.
Mandatory reading for every single woman on the planet: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It explains why abuse really happens and all the bullshit excuses that men use to try to make it seem like it's everyone's fault but theirs.
Read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's enlightening. I'm so glad you left, you were being abused. Good luck on your next journey. Go heal. You deserve better! We're here for you.
Good on you for being proactive about your finances. Please cut it up so you don’t use it any more. I suggest reading this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Total-Money-Makeover-Classic-Financial-ebook/dp/B00DNBE8P6
Ok, the idea that you give up on your career and stay home watering the plants while he works even though you don't plan to have kids is rather strange by itself, but coupled with what you found... there's really very little chance these things are unrelated. Whatever you do, don't become financially dependent on him ever. He sounds kinda gaslighty and manipulative to me, I recommend you read this book as I'm worried there might be a lot more there that you're not seeing, you should be able to find a pdf online
Wow critical thinking skills and self awareness were not her strong suit. Bonus: That is your 21st birthday present? WTF!?!
Here buy this one for her Birthday/Xmas/Whatever.
https://www.amazon.com/Critical-Thinking-Skills-Dummies-Martin-ebook/dp/B00UYXHP0G
Very little spillover. From what I've read, it didn't even impact his ability to memorize a string of random alphabetic characters. That said, people have done a lot with mnemonic techniques to accomplish amusing tasks like memorizing the order of 27 decks of cards in an hour, and some techniques there can be trained for a somewhat wider range of tasks.
If this sort of thing interests you I strongly recommend this book. But be careful, the subject material can have a profound, transformative effect on your life and the lives of people around you. It is not for everyone.
This process (called the diffused mode of the brain) is discussed in depth in a book I read a few years ago called A Mind For Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science (Even If You Flunked Algebra).
Would highly recommend if anyone is interested in how your brain learns things - especially abstract concepts like mathematics and programming.
The book Why Does He Do That was really helpful for me after leaving my ex.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Iq.kCbCX62B9H
He's not abusing you because his grief is making him do it. He's abusing you because he is an abuser, and grief is what it took to bring it out of him. Somewhere in his mentality is a mysogynistic belief that it's ok to blame and hurt women. At some point in your lives, something else bad will happen, and that side of him will show again. It will probably become more and more frequent, with less provocation required, because he'll get more and more comfortable doing it. And right now, because you stay, because you make excuses for him that it's because of his grief, because you protect him by not telling the therapist, he's learning that he can get away with it, which will probably just lower his inhibitions.
Please read the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Please get yourself to safety.
Hey man we all get discouraged when learning something new.
You should check out this https://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Numbers-Science-Flunked-Algebra-ebook/dp/B00G3L19ZU
The author was terrified of math throughout high school and joined the army after graduating. When she was ~25 she realized the work she was doing was not going to provide her a great future, and she went back to school for an engineering degree. During this time she learned how to overcome her issues, and she's now doing a PHD.
I really liked the book, I got it on Audible but wouldn't be surprised if the library had it :) She covers strategies to deal with solving new problems and also procrastination.
I'm early thirties, and left a controlling ex a couple years ago myself (still married because they keep "accidentally" dropping the ball on their end, but that's another story). I had a discouraging experience going back to school while we were still living together, and it made me nervous about trying again. But this time has been totally different. I'm graduating from CC this spring with a 4.0!
We adult students have a lot of things going for us. There's the benefit of life experience and a fully developed brain. We tend to be more organized and driven, too. You may even find that material you struggled with as a teen comes more easily now.
However, I still get panicked every semester that I'm going to lose focus and flunk. Recently I've started having nightmares that I'm going to fail a class and not get to walk for graduation. I'm also worried because I'm starting STEM "weed out" classes next semester, so the difficulty is about the ratchet up significantly.
I'm managing by keeping my focus mostly on my current semester. I also bought a book called <em>A Mind For Numbers</em>, which is recommended for folks who aren't so confident in their math skills. It focuses on strategies for studying more efficiently and reducing the time you feel like you're grinding away but not getting anywhere.
I know it's scary, but school won't be as bad as your fear is telling you. Community colleges are very supportive places, with lots of resources to help you succeed. Take advantage of advising, free tutoring, and disability services (if panic attacks continue to be a problem). Don't let fear stop you from getting that degree! You can do it!!
I'm so sorry this happened to you, I imagine it's really scary and confusing right now. Sending internet hugs - this isn't your fault, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.
Unfortunately your bf is showing textbook signs of being abusive.
>He got really angry and threw his wallet in my direction.
>He apologized multiple times and said he didn't mean to hurt me. Then said it was my fault for making him angry
So he's sorry.... but actually it was your fault he got violent (this is called blameshifting)
>I shouldn't be upset with him because he didn't throw the wallet at me, just in my direction.
And he's not actually sorry, because it wasn't a big deal (this is minimising. And also bullshit. It IS a big deal and you have every reason to be upset).
I agree with everyone here that this will only get worse and you need to leave as soon as safely possible. To understand why, read this book:
Why Does He Do That- Lundy Bancroft
You can find a PDF free online and it really explains how abusive partners think and act.
Secondly, I recommend you get in touch with a domestic abuse counsellor/hotline - they can listen, direct you to resources and help you come up with a safety plan to leave.
You don't mention where you are, but here's a list of websites globally where you can get help.
Please know I'm thinking of you, and you are not alone
Why Does He Do That is a book that was written by a counselor who specializes in working with controlling and toxic/abusive men. He uses his knowledge of how abusers think and his history of work to help women understand if their relationship has escalated to abuse, recognize abusive and controlling behavior in their partners, and inform women on how to leave an abusive relationship and thrive without their partners.
You can read it here for free.
This book has seriously helped me and other women that I know. This book will help you to figure out what's going on definitively and with clarity, so you won't feel trapped in your own head any more. I know you said you can't imagine living without him, but if you ever want to leave, this book can help you make a plan to do that safety and come out the other side.
Good luck <3
Hey mate, I'm so sorry that happened. Killing your dog is brutal, it's the stuff of nightmares and false accusations are horrible to go through. I'm not surprised you feel it destroyed you as a person and it's gonna fuck you in the head. I'm glad that you got through it. Have you read Why does he do that? by Lundy bancroft? A lot of my clients have found it helps unfuck their head.
I'm really sorry that happened mate it's horrible for you seeing that happen to her. Are you sure he's bipolar rather than just having an abusive personality The two are often confused with each other. Either way I really suggest getting why does he do that by Lundy bancroft it's a fantastic book
DLAB is horrendous, this guide is quite helpful but it’s just a beast in and of itself. If you don’t score high enough you can retest in 6 months but it’s up to the recruiter as to if they allow you to wait that long. My DEP had a person waiting to retest so it is possible. When I went through (obviously pre plague) we found out our language week 6. You make a list like week 2 of your “top 5” languages which “they match to needs of the Air Force” but most of us think it just goes into a shred box.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DNBE8P6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Read it, live by it. I know its a bit fucked to tell anyone in this position to just "be better with money" (especially with the Covid), but understanding how and where you spend money by doing a budget is critical. Getting a small sum together for emergencies, is critical.
This book really helped influence and codify how I use money, got my 50k in student loans paid off in 3 years, and has me well on my way to saving for retirement and a home.
Financial stress, constant never ending hardship of money, creates a form of PTSD that will literally kill you years ahead of your time.
NTA. I agree with the others who are saying your husband is controlling and abusive. In addition to the resources listed, you might also want to read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I'm divorcing a controlling husband myself, and I'm learning that a lot of things that I just accepted as being the way it was going to be was abusive and controlling.
I was very similar to you, and found the book <em>A Mind for Numbers</em> incredibly helpful for helping develop effective studying techniques (I read it my last semester in school, and kicked myself for not reading it sooner). There's a coursea course called "Learning how to Learn" by the same woman (+ a man, iirc) that seems to cover the same content.
Good luck!
TLDR: Yes it's possible, no you need more information than any video can present in 9 minutes, think about whether it's a good idea for you.
I'm not going to sit through a video that probably only has 2 paragraphs of actual information. I will say that yes, it is possible to pay off a mortgage in that kind of time frame. If you want something with a little more detail on how to get there, you might consider spending $12.99 on a book. Heck, it turns out that Amazon will autocomplete "pay off mortgage in 5 years" and you can have a book that just deals with that for about $5.
The next logical question: is it desirable? Assuming that your mortgage is affordable and you aren't buried under a mountain of debt, is there a reason not to have a monthly mortgage payment? Sure, the mortgage interest deduction is probably not a factor anymore. But why not use the leverage of that money in your bank/brokerage account? And what about the piece of mind knowing that the escrow account associated with your mortgage is taking care of the property taxes without you having to save or even think about it? I'm not saying not to pay off the mortgage, I'm saying examine your reasons for doing so and the potential pros/cons before you get rolling.
This book I read gave a neurological explanation for procrastination. They stuck someone in a fancy brain scanner gizmo and gave them a task that would trigger their procrastination. What they saw was that the anticipated discomfort you mentioned lit up the actual pain centers in the brain. They also saw, however, that this brain activity stopped when the person actually started the task. Based on this, their advice was "start by just doing a little." But in your case, it sounds like the pain response continues while doing the task. Emotional flashback?
If their model is correct, then maybe your problem isn't actually "procrastination," but you're getting the same end result of avoidance and dissociation. If so then tactics for dealing with procrastination aren't going to help as much as expected- and obviously you've tried quite hard!
It is not ignorant jf you look at how this shit looks in reality. Most psychology studies are purely theoretical with very little relevance to real life. Philosophy studies are done just analyzes of old philosophers. A lot of sociology papers do not meet the basic criteria of science. I invite you to read the book cynical theories for more on that topic. https://www.amazon.com/Cynical-Theories-Scholarship-Everything-Identity-ebook/dp/B08BGCM5QZ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=cynical+theories&qid=1619717464&sr=8-1
That's rough mate and she doesnt see cause and effect, her behaviour effects you not wanting to spend time with her. Complaining constantly is disheartening, people often don't see how much OCD effects the person and everyone around them. She sounds a lot like my mum tbh, I always said on the 4th day of rowing about something you'd just end up going "yep you're right the sea is purple" so it was easier to just let her go on. Have you read inside the minds of angry and controlling men it can really help get your head round how to manage controlling/OCD type behaviours in people.
Have you seen the casual UK discord server it could give you some welcome relief right now. It's a nice bunch of people
I’m sorry, that’s sounds so frustrating, college-level math and physics can be very unforgiving if your high school math foundation is weak. It sounded like you have put in the hard work but struggle to see results. That’s an indication that your current study strategy/habit is not working and it’s time to learn some new study skills, to study not just harder but smarter. Here is the perfect book for you:
https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Numbers-Science-Flunked-Algebra-ebook/dp/B00G3L19ZU
I benefitted a ton from the book. I also agree that it would be a good idea to take a semester off to focus on your mental health and study strategy, review high-school math using Khan academy, and do some soul-searching to understand why you are in college (what’s your life goals?) so that when you are ready to come back, you will be in a much better mindset with better background and strategies to get through the struggle.
Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!
Here are your smile-ified links:
^^i'm ^^a ^^friendly&nbsp;bot
Unlimited Memory: How to Use Advanced Learning Strategies to Learn Faster, Remember More and be More Productive is free with an Amazon prime subscription for those that are interested in the "learning how to learn." resource.