He has been trained and manipulated since childhood to always give in to her, that her wants and feelings are more important than anyone else's including his own. That she is always right.
That he was willing to move away is a hopeful sign, and that he ignores half of what she says. But he is still in the FOG and his normal meter is off.
If you have not checked out the book list, it has many resources that could help. You may want to read 'Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You '
its really tough but know it gets better. browsing the exnocontact subreddit in moments of weakness helps. making new goals helps. crying helps. this book helps (she has a youtube too). posting here helps. exercise helps (especially rigorous cardio/hiit type stuff). it's just a bunch of a little things that come together day by day as you get through it, which you will. there is also an app called 'i am' that is affirmations (this is on ios not sure about android) and there is a selection called 'heartbroken' and it will send affirmation notifications to your phone regarding breakups and healing i've found it to be soothing. hang in there <3
I started Dialectical Behavior Therapy when my PTSD got unmanageable and it really helped. I like this workbook because it lets me do work to get better even when I am between therapists.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684034582/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_cKDgFbXXCR9A6
She does exhibit some borderline traits. Amd gear of abandonment is a big one. A reaction that is exaggerated for the situation (like 500 angry text messages bc of 1 missed call.)
Keeping your boundaries firm is important. DBT is great for Borderline. It was created by a therapist who was diagnosed as Borderline.
Here's a self help workbook based on DBT strategies. Might help you cope. Hopefully, you can get her to see a psychiatrist if she isn't already.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, ... (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684034582/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_R9734HGECMVJJ46T0S6N
This is supposed to open yourself up to self compassion. You said yourself that you wouldn't be friends with anyone who talked to you that way, s.o why do you do it to yourself? You hate yourself, because you constantly treat yourself like shit, mentally, just like youd hate another person treating you that way.
You can absolutely choose how you treat yourself. It's to change your inner monologue from beratement and blame to support and encouragement. It's hard to do and takes a long time, but it does wonders for your outlook on life and self confidence.
I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants to learn more.
Hey OP! This is a little off topic but I hope it helps you. I wasn't raised fundie, but I've recently been learning about Childhood Emotional Neglect and realized how prominent it was in my childhood. I think a LOT of fundie families unknowingly promote this sort of emotional suffocation. It can happen intentionally (narcissistic parents) or unintentionally (emotionally absent parents who just think their MO is the norm.)
My parents did their absolute best, but I still had complex emotional needs that they couldn't meet. I don't blame them, but it's helpful to recognize the patterns.
If you need resources, I've found Dr. Jonice Webb to be a leading voice on the topic. She has a book called Running on Empty which I'm reading right now. It explains so much.
Habis baca buku ini dan ini terus mikir ternyata childhood gw mayan fucked up juga yha. Di satu sisi lega karena akhirnya pengalaman dan apa yang gw rasain selama ini tervalidasi, tapi sejujurnya di sisi lain kesel soalnya gw gak minta ada di dunia ini tapi kok ya gw juga yg kena emotional neglect. Kadang iri sama orang-orang yang keluarganya bisa jadi support system, sedangkan keluarga seringnya jadi trigger breakdown gw :(
Twin parent here too, with kids around the same age. This book was incredibly helpful for us in reframing how we communicate. They’ll clean up their toys now, brush their teeth, get dressed, etc. without it being a hassle. I hope it helps you too.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_i_ErgZCbF1850NS
i sympathize with your situation. And I agree you deserve to be taken care of.
However, I must caution you against marrying for this sole purpose. It might put a strain on your marriage.
The abuse that you have been subjected to (similar to all the other children who have been forced to take on their parents responsibilities) will have damaged parts of you which will manifest during your relationship.
A book I always recommend which might be interesting for you, which might help overcome the effects of the abuse:
https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X (there is an audible version too)
Marriage = union = becoming one.
A lot of landmines handling separate finances - some can handle, a lot don't.
Example - you had already contributed "your" share from "your" income. Your spouse's income is not enough for her share. What do you do?
What if your spouse loses job? Does that spouse lose a voice in deciding family financial matters?
Unless you do some legal gymnastics prior to marriage, the outside world will view your finances together.
--------
One possible approach:
All money earned during the marriage belongs to the conjugal pot. All expenses are taken from conjugal pot. Aside from small allowances, there is no "mine" or "your" money. All of it is "our" money.
Financial goals are discussed and agreed upon as a couple - and taken from the conjugal pot.
Administrative financial tasks are handled by the spouse best suited - e.g. someone is better at nitty gritty budgeting for the home? Then that spouse does it. Someone is more well-versed in investments? Then that spouse handles it. All of which are subject to the agreed upon financial goal setting (big picture).
​
If you value your independence, you should think really hard and really long before getting married.
​
PS. This book might be helpful given both of your backgrounds coming from broken families:
https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X (there's an audio book version, as well)
​
>"GANYAN KA NAMAN PAG MAY KAILNGAN KALANG MABAET" and then wont stop sending a lot of messages sa messenger that really hurt kahit tapos na pagalit niya sa house mag memessage pa ng hurtful words
>
>i dont want to say my parents have been abusive to me
There are many types of abuse.
Read/listen to this: https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X
While some might say your situation is "less severe" than some cases, it doesn't remove the fact that you ARE in that situation.
Move out - we are forced to tolerate our parents "quirks" (to put it nicely) when we are kids because we have no other choice. But as adults? Life is too short to have that every single month. (PS life wont get much better when menopause hits)
So you have to choose between [COMFORT with TOXICITY] vs [DISCOMFORT with LESS TOXICITY]
Start saving up (Secretly) so that when you do decide down the line, you have ample buffer funds to move out
I'm dealing with it right now too, and I've dealt with it before so I know how it works. It really just takes time. It stings a little less each day. Even though there are moments of overwhelming feelings that may even feel more intense than before, the overall average is lower over time. If you can look back to when you first blocked him to now you can see it's already gotten better, and it will keep getting better. Then one day you wake up and you realize you haven't thought of him for a while and you won't realize when it happened it just.. did. And maybe every once in a while you'll get a sting from a painful memory but it won't consume you.
Also taking breaks is good but at the same time we need to feeling our feelings to get through them. So know that it's normal to feel intense anger, sadness, and everything in between because repressing them makes the healing process go on longer. It is 'work' like anything else but this work takes place in the emotional sphere. It's intense so self care is really important. I've used the book Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You multiple times for multiple breakups lol and it is the only one of it's type that actually works because it really gets down to the nitty gritty. It's not easy but it's real change. She also has a Youtube channel (I put the vids oldest to newest because her older ones go through more of the book stuff in the beginning) but if you can get the book too that is better because it goes through things in a really methodical way.
I would do it and then bring the things to my partner and talk about it
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, ... (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684034582/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_10R20FYHY2EAF0JHV6RF
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen- https://www.amazon.com/dp/150113163X/
The Explosive Child - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062270451/
These are the two most helpful, in the order that you should read and implement strategies. If the tactics in How to Talk aren’t working (which addresses how to react to unwanted behaviors), move on to Explosive Child (which is focused less on unwanted behaviors and more on solving the problems that cause the behaviors that you can’t seem to stop.)
A lot of the child psychology coming out these days is all about listening and helping kids put words to their emotions. Instead of trying to correct behavior, point out the emotion they are having and allow them time to figure out a solution. "Oh, it looks like you're tired." "You seem frustrated with this homework." Give him data and help him build his emotional intelligence to be able to solve the puzzle on his own.
I highly recommend this book: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/
Kids are tiny humans who have a lot of stuff going on inside their minds and bodies. And we often forget that they have this whole other universe going on inside their heads, just like we do, but nobody has taught them what to do about it.
Big Ups to you for doing the work on yourself. Most people just jump from relationship to relationship without healing completely and growing.
The book is called Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb. https://www.amazon.com/dp/161448242X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_t1_kNOxFb9F0ZD5S
Lol simple way to get them excited for bed is to make it a race. “I bet i can get to the bathroom before you” “i bet i can get my teeth cleaner than your!!” last one to the beds a rotten egg!!!
Turn it into a game. Its fun and gets them excited for bed.
Edit: also check out this book
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (The How To Talk Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_XVA43WTYNB3BQRGG7YQ7
Bipolar and BPD have similarities but they’re not the same - I’d recommend doing some research on them, and seeing where you might be measuring up. Instant mood shifts and what you’re describing as “splitting” are both symptoms of BPD, if this has been a reoccurring issue with you (as you’ve said it is) then that’s just a bit frustrating if your therapist is brushing your concerns off.
I’d also suggest looking into DBT therapy - if you’re not interested in sessions (individual or group) or can’t afford them (it’s unfortunately expensive) then definitely consider picking up a workbook for yourself. I’ve found the McKay workbook the most helpful personally.
I would talk to your pediatrician about some of his behaviour and try reading the book How to talk so little kids will listen. How to talk so little kids will listen.. The author's mother also wrote a book about siblings that I haven't read yet but will as it might help. siblings Both books talk about how timeouts and punishments don't work because it doesn't teach kids anything and just make them feel resentful. I have read both the first book and another book by the second author and what they say makes a lot of sense and they cite the science to back up their ideas.
I am glad to see that you reached a different stage in your life.
The scars emotionally neglectful or even abusive parents leave on kids are indeed a concern for future generations.
However, don't give up yet - you can see if you can work on overcoming these scars to allow you to have children of your own. Here is a good book to start with - https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X
It also has an audible (audio book) version - easy listening on your mobile phone.
It helps one recognize how certain acts were neglectful and starts one on the path to recover.
Hope it helps.
Going through same w 4yo
Going to be rereading Janet Lansbury and other commonly-recommended toddler books
New one recommended to me that gets high praise is this one
EDIT: encouraging you to "ratchet up" approach regarding potential physical harm. Touching the stove should be taken to the highest level of discipline you'll allow yourself IMO.
I haven't read 123 Magic, but both my husband and I read How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and THAT is a very good book with a sound foundation you can feel good about. https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X
It's all about teaching kids how to express themselves, and teaching them how to deal with emotions. We have 3 very willful, very emotional boys who can tantrum PRETTY hard. The style of How to Talk is all about emotional regulation, redirecting kids to what they CAN do (so that they're not focusing on what they CAN'T do), and it's focused on how to give kids a break when they're emotionally overwhelmed.
It gives a LOT of different advice, because not all techniques work for all kids. Our kids don't respond well to authoritarian demands or raised voices, and aren't people pleasers at all (so they don't really care if you're upset with them). When threatened with losing a privilege, they panic and their emotions get worse, and it's never helped their behavior. They respond much better to empathy and distraction, and they are getting better at talking to each other and to us rather than throwing a tantrum.
So yeah, if you're not feeling the 123 Magic, try something more along the lines of How To Talk so Little Kids will Listen, which takes a much less "condescending grandpa" approach, and more a "the whole point of parenting is to teach kids how to be emotionally-healthy people, not to get them to do what you say all the time."
Here's one! You can potentially find past editions for even less money. Also, check out bookfinder.com for other sellers with potentially lower prices, discounted older editions, charitable uses for funds generated by sales, etc.
“Oh no! Your tower fell over. That’s so frustrating! The fun thing about blocks is that you can build them over and over again! Can you put it back together or should we play something different?” Empathize! Something that is not is a big deal to us feels like a big deal to them. It sounds like you’re being supportive, it just takes time. How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen has helped me a lot.
Just have to find productive things to do to keep your mind busy.
If you don't have the motivation to do said things, try starting a journal about your day to day activities or why you're feeling the way you do.
Self therapy books are also a big help. I enjoyed this one
Positive thinking is within reach; hang in there!
I don't have experience with this yet, as my baby just turned 1, but I just finished reading the book "How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen" Link to Amazon it seems like it might help you here. I think the advice from that book would be, acknowledge her feelings by saying something like, "you hate getting ready for bed. wouldn't it be fun if you were a giraffe, that only had to sleep 30 minutes a day!?" And hopefully acknowledging her feelings will get some more insight into why she doesn't actually want to fall asleep or get ready for the day. Sorry if that doesn't help much, but i 100% recommend the book!
i'm sorry things are so stressful! hopefully you'll find something that works to calm her down soon! and good luck with your new work routine!
Thanks for asking. I love helping people out. This concept comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy or DBT. I like pulling from the DBT Skills workbook. Here's a link to the book.
I also use the worksheet on therapistaid.com to help visualize this concept. Here's the link
The only thing I'd include is an additional circle for the body. Sometimes, our body has important information like a tightness in the chest, or pit in the stomach, or a headache. That information is also valuable to bring to the negotiation table as well.
With this concept, I stress the importance of experience. You have a ton of wisdom inside you already. Practice, practice, practice, practice! It will help shape your perspective so this concept becomes like muscle memory.
Got out as a Sgt. The best thing that helped me develop my own leadership style was when I had a child. I started reading parenting books, everything from how to get kids to eat broccoli to how to encourage them to sleep. So this is going to sound demeaning, but I genuinely do not mean it that way.
As weird as it sounds, my advice would be to read, “How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen”. The book is all about human communication, and covers everything from addressing concerns that seem trivial to how to talk about problems and solutions, as well as things like motivating people to clean up. I mean this with the utmost sincerity, that book will improve your communication with EVERYONE, above, around, and especially, below you.
Been reading this book: How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/150113163X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_VMH1M9S2X2WNDTHA1Q9N
It’s really helped a lot with my own patience and understanding of how their little minds work. But I’m with you, it’s so infuriating because I’m a very punctual person with anxiety lol. I read one time that a mom would let her kid sleep in their school clothes so that it was one less thing to fight over in the morning. But yeah, they of course don’t understand our time schedules and need to be somewhere so perhaps visuals could help or timers. A reward system could help a lot too. Good luck!
I think it's good that you keep on supporting him trough this and I think you are doing a good job.
I feel like he needs to work on his BPD with the help of a professional of a work book if you can't afford or access a professional. I used to be like this but I healed some trauma on my own and worked on my self compassion with this book. I can't afford therapy and it has often not helped when I was able to access some. Even though working on my own is longer and harder it seems to work better for me.
Having people who are sincere with me and give me unconditional love helped me too. My current roommate tells me anytime I am being manipulative or dramatic (not all BDP folx are manipulative and dramatic but I am and i was way worst before lol). Getting this feed back has been really helpful. I am grateful to have someone so patient in my life.