8 seems a little unnecessarily young. I waited until my kid was around 10-11 and bought this book.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0763644846/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I really recommend it. It covers a lot of stuff and is very educational.
Big Mouth is a funny show but it's not an educational tool. I mean would you recommend your kid watching American Pie to learn about sex?
The book “I Hear You” by Michael S Sorensen teaches how to say all of that in the effective and normal people way, lol. It’s teaches how to show our empathy in a way that validates people and makes them actually feel good and feel our empathy for them. This book is incredible!! I can’t recommend it enough. Here’s the link: I Hear You: The Surprisingly... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0999104004?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
NTA. Your mum is TA.
Holy crap...if I pulled this shit on my daughter, there would be hell to pay....and rightly so.
You are on your honeymoon. You do NOT need your mother ruining your holiday!
Enjoy your honeymoon, and when you get back, pick up a book called The Narcissistic Familyand read it from cover to cover.
>How does this situation improve?
Honestly, it probably doesn't.
I'd focus less on him and his diagnoses and more on setting healthy boundaries, developing coping skills + moving away from codependance (pretty normal for adult children of alcoholics).
Strongly recc this book (for like the 3rd time today!):
My baby was diagnosed failure to thrive around that age. She was born with a heart defect so it was kind of expected, but we went through it all with a GI doctor, reflux meds, bottle aversion, fortified breastmilk, eliminating dairy & soy, hypoallergenic formulas, etc. Things started to improve once we switched GI docs and he took her off the reflux meds, just let her eat without pressuring her. Baby is now 11 months and went from below the curve to now around the 5th percentile. I’m going to continue fortifying breastmilk until she’s a year - maybe you can ask your pediatrician about higher calorie or concentrated formula? This book has also been super helpful
>I don’t think him being a bad texter equates to him not having a connection
I'm gonna leave this reading list here. If you want to keep that opinion id recommend not reading any them:
Being a bad texter when texting is not your primary form of communication makes no difference to your connection. Being bad at your primary means of connection, whatever that means is, equates to not having a connection. It's 2021. You have a million options to share the frequent validation, esteeming, and empathy required to maintain connection. You only need 1, but you do still need one you both are good at and agree to use.
Yes--I found the article revelatory when I first read it as well!
Have you read The Narcissistic Family? It also gets at this exact thing--check out page three of the Introduction (which you can see if you choose the "Look Inside this Book" option): https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Please excuse my presumption, but...I don't think you're a narcissist.
I think you come from a narcissistic family and picked up some narc tics, but you are far too self-aware and self-reflective to be a narcissist. The fact that you are not interested that much in other people's lives is more common than you think. My partner, who is incredibly kind and caring to everyone, has to be reminded to ask his brother about how things are going in his life and how his kids and grandkids are. I used to have to write down the names of his brother's grandkids for him, but now it's become a habit, and he remembers. My point is that some people are interested in other people, and some aren't: it doesn't mean you are a narcissist, just a bit self-focused and you can teach yourself to remember to ask people about themselves.
I do think you are depressed, however (again...excuse my presumption). The self-recriminations and isolating yourself from other people are typical for depression. Why not have a chat with your GP and see about getting on an SSRI or getting a referral to a psychiatrist.
In the meantime, if you have a chance, have a look at this book--I found it tremendously helpful in understanding the family I came from and its effect on me: The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703
There is an entire book on the subject and it is very enlightening: The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment
I stayed up all night reading it when I first heard of it and it changed my life.
I think maybe work from a book like this:
https://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Growing/dp/0763644846
It’s designed for ages 10 and up. They do make other books for younger children. You could let him read it himself (check if his reading skills are enough to comprehend on his own) or you or his mother could read it to him.
If it is US sex education in school, it usually isn’t sufficient enough.
I agree with your response...except for the part about telling the parents what they did wrong. I had these parents, and they will ALWAYS have an excuse for their shitty behaviour, and they are incapable of change.
They "favour" the older sister because it's easier to do that than to put up with her rages and they want to take the path of least resistance because they've always been too focused on their own emotional needs than that of their children.
They likely can't stand the sister, but letting her have her way gives them temporary peace, and they know their son will let it pass without rages (and they don't care about his inner emotional angst because they don't have to deal with it).
They are likely a narcissistic family: https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703
If OP goes to counseling with them, they will spend the entire time explaining THEIR side of it and explaining that their daughter has "greater needs," and what great parents they are for addressing them.
I have lived the life of OP. The sibling that raged and ranted until she got her way is in her sixties now, has never held down a job for more than a couple of years, leached off our parents and a spouse for a few years. Now that our parents are dead (and the gravy train has dried up) and she's divorced, she lives on government payouts, estranged from everyone in the family and most of her one-time friends.
I think OP should cut ties with his undeserving family, get counseling to come to an understanding of his own worth (which was not demonstrated to him from his parents), and move on.
It's Perfectly Normal was the best book for both my son and daughter. It's explains so many things and allows for a conversation and 12 is a great time for it. As for the labia situation, all you need to say is every girl/women has a variation just like every other part of the body. I believe during puberty the labia becomes more visible and I recall back at that age being a bit freaked out by it too. Letting her know that many parts of her body are going to change and she should always feel free to chat with you openly is the best you can do. Good luck.
https://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Growing/dp/0763644846
I can also recommend The Narcissistic Family, which helped me understand exactly OP's point for the first time, extremely helpful.
Sounds like bottle aversion. But the kindle version of this book. It’s cheap it’s a fast read and it works https://www.amazon.com/Your-Babys-Bottle-feeding-Aversion-Solutions/dp/1976164419/. Lastly do not pressure your babies more thru the crying, it will get worse. We had this with our babies
Have you consider that you babies might have bottle aversion? Some babies start to get scared of eating when they've been pressured to eat too much. They learn to hate the bottle, but are also hungry at the same time. It can result in them quitting eating before they're full and lots of crying.
After coming home from the NICU after birth, we always tried our best to get them to eat as much as possible to catch up in weight. We weren't literally force feeding them but we'd definitely feed them through cries. We were proud of how much they were growing in their weight percentiles until around 4 months adjusted when their volume started to drop and feeds kept taking longer and longer. Almost every feed was a struggle and could take nearly their entire wake window. It was getting agonizing.
We ended up following the program from the book, Your Baby's Bottle-feeding Aversion: Reasons And Solutions by Rowena Bennett and it's helped immensely. The gist of it is that babies are good at regulating their own need for milk, but if they get bottle aversion this can been thrown out of wack. The solution is to completely stop pressuring them to eat and let them re-learn to listen to their own hunger.
I'm sorry you're going through these struggles. It can feel really gut wrenching and tragically, if it's bottle aversion, you can get into a negative reinforcing loop.
Link to the book. They have a facebook group also to get advice, support or clarifications.
https://www.amazon.com/Your-Babys-Bottle-feeding-Aversion-Solutions/dp/1976164419/
Check out the book, The Narcissistic Family: https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703?asin=0787908703&revisionId=&format=4&depth=1
You can read the intro on the Amazon website--see especiall p. 3 of the introduction about ACOC and the narcissistic family.
I found the explanation of enmeshment amazing and revelatory. Changed my life.
Another life-changing book: The Narcissistic Family
Back in 1995 I decided to learn yoga and bought The Book of Yoga by the Sivananda Centre.
This is the 2000 version which looks pretty much the same.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Book-Yoga-Sivananda-Centre/dp/0091874610
I think it's a really good book.
When I went to a class I was surprised how much and how accurately the book had taught me.
Check out an age-appropriate book like It's Perfectly Normal. Read through it together with the kiddo, breaking it into sections so they're not totally overwhelmed. Answer questions, talk about how it might apply to their own life (what would you do in this situation, etc). Make sure they have a chance to look through the book on their own as well.
I have an 11 year old daughter.
If the way you articulated it to her is as you wrote it in this post that could be part of the issue. You put all of the emphasis on wanting to look different rather than articulating how you feel and why you plan to transition. Right now it's possible that her understanding of your transition is that mom wants to look like a man rather than mom is a man.
I recently had my daughter read a wonderful book that covers issues she will soon be facing in puberty - including an extensive chapter on sexuality and gender. LGBTQ issues are not new to her, they are something we have discussed with her from a very young age. Highly recommend, by the way.
When we were discussing transgender people after she read that chapter, I told her that our friend Alice is transgender, which I assume my daughter already knew as she has met Alice many times. For context: Alice is a transgender woman who is very early in her transition. Her response: REALLY?!
It never occurred to my kid that Alice was trans because kids of that age don't notice nuance like this unless they are taught to (usually by parents who are prejudiced). It is entirely possible that your child likewise does not really see or understand your transgender family members to be transgender.
(Adding because it's adorable: That REALLY?! was followed by THAT'S SO COOL!)
If I'm off the mark and you think your child has enough of an understanding of transgender issues to understand the nuance in the conversation that you had, then I agree with the other comments. It might just be a hard adjustment for her since it is her own parent. It might also bring up gender questions of her own since it is her formerly same-gendered parent who is transitioning.
I hope none of this comes across as criticism. You're doing great as a parent an a human.
You were indoctrinated into your family's values just as you were indoctrinated into Mormonism.
You should read The Narcissistic Family--it's a book for therapists, but VERY readable. The book is incredibly enlightening.
Absolutely.
You need to read this book: The Narcissistic Family
The central marker of narcissistic parents is that their emotional needs ALWAYS come before their children's emotional needs. However, sometimes their emotional needs coincide with their children's, so it SEEMS like they are putting you first.
For example, your mum might have made extravagant cupcakes/baking for your class for every occasion. It SEEMS like a kind gesture that puts your needs ahead of hers; however, she actually gets tons of praise from the teachers and parents of the other kids, so it actually fills her own narcissistic need. That's just a minor example, but you get the idea.
Yes--that happened to me when I first read it, but it's good to understand the source of our issues.
You may find the book The Narcissistic Family helpful as well. It's a book for professional therapists, but very readable. The first time I read it, I stayed up all night until I finished. It was such a revelation to me.
We really liked I Can Handle It and Grumpy the Iguana as books about healthy strategies for coping with overwhelming emotions (the first book) and coping with change that makes you unhappy (the second book).
No worries, there's lots of good info! If you are interested in the narcissistic side of things and family models, I can recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703
Take turns. Give her as long as possible off duty. Then trade. Sleep yourselves so you don’t go crazy.
This book helped us a lot. YMMV. It probably mostly helped us to feel like we had a plan/routine that we were working towards.
On Becoming Babywise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep "2019 edition"- Interactive Support https://www.amazon.com/dp/1932740503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_wn.nFbQGPB0WC
From pregnancy on that child is the priority. You are now the #4 priority in the household.
Get these two books right now.
On Becoming Babywise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep "2019 edition"- Interactive Support https://www.amazon.com/dp/1932740503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_SkTlFbQ5PZDSY
What to Expect When You're Expecting https://www.amazon.com/dp/0761187480/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_BlTlFb3PF551W
Things you need to buy before the baby is born. If you have a shower, here is the list my wife and I used.
Clothes Crib Blankets Swing (2-3 months) Breast pump / Spectra S1 recommended Arms reach co sleeper Doc a tot Upababy car seat Infant bath tub Solly wrap (newborn baby) Ergo baby + insert Baby ring swing Comotomo bottles Baby bjorn bouncer Swaddles Bottle Sterilizer Nursing pillow Cyrus Co Worker or Kimmie Baby Bassinet Rocker Baby Shower Registry - Baby List Sleeping Baby socks and mittens Eating Bottle sanitizer Bottle drying rack + accessories Comotomo nipples Playing Changing mat for diaper bag Books Stroller Dresser/changing table Car seat: infant child booster Bassinet Stroller - uppa baby Diaper bag for Dad Breast pump - Also check with my insurance Diaper pail Clothing Toys Bath towels Baby nail clippers Teething rings Pacifiers Baby thermometers Baby monitor Fever reducer Soap Butt paste Burp clothes Bibs Onesies Night light High chair Couch cover Outlet covers Cabinet locks Gates Toilet seat locks Bathtub safety Doorknob covers Corner guards Baby Soft Play Mat Baby floor activity gym Diapers Baby Changing table Crib Mobile Car toys Car mirror books
Hi, I do tongue-tie releases every day, and one of my friends pointed me to this post. I wrote a book on tongue-ties as well, so I understand what you are asking, as many others in this thread have no clue what you are talking about. (Book: https://www.amazon.com/Tongue-Tied-String-Impacts-Nursing-Feeding/dp/1732508208)
At that age, in my opinion, and in our practice, that is too often for aftercare stretches for a toddler. That's not realistic to stretch that often. We tell our patients to shoot for 2 times a day for stretches, so every 12hrs, and do it for 3 weeks. Minimum once a day if it's really difficult.
Use the bite block, back of a toothbrush, back of a wooden spoon, something to go between his teeth so he can't bite you. It's definitely a two-person job, but know that it's not forever. Just do the best you can to get in there, lift the tongue, you can push right on the diamond, and get out. So 5-10 sec tops per stretch. Then comfort him, and bribe him with something that would help him calm down.
Ask your provider if it's still difficult. Make sure they check the site again in a week because 90% of them grow back together at least partially and need a deeper stretch. Hang in there! It's really tough, but hopefully, it will be worth it and you will see some good results with speech, feeding, sleep, etc. if the procedure was done properly and he had those symptoms to begin with.
Dr. Baxter
I also found one called I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
which seems to deal with at least some of this. I think it's about listening and validating. It's not ADHD specific, but like someone here mentioned, perhaps this isn't all about ADHD.
> Trauma isn't simple.
Nope! It gets even more slippery when you're talking about the absence/neglect end of the spectrum because there's no big bad thing you can point to. When it's not what happened, but what didn't... ugh. It can all be so easy to miss/dismiss.
I don't know if this is a good fit, but might be worth checking out:
https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703