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Hmm, especially considering he sat right next to you immediately and asked you out the day you met, it makes me wonder if he had been watching you, put his kid up to approaching you guys and "conveniently" asking to come into your house for a drink?
Trust your gut, there are a ton of red flags here. I highly recommend you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It's a great book and teaches about how to trust your instincts and deal with potentially dangerous situations. Predators take advantage of the fact it's so ingrained in women from the time we are little girls to always be polite, they know we are afraid of hurting feelings and "causing a scene" and they thrive on that hesitation. He hasn't escalated yet but it's time to cut contact and I would also invest in a doorbell or motion camera, not just for him but for general safety, especially with a little one in the house. I like your idea of having a male friend or family member on the premises when you calmly tell him this arrangement just isn't working anymore. Make sure to document everything in the event a worst case scenario happens and you have to go to police.
I find it unfortunate that Bodega didn’t give more credit to scholar and author W. David Marx (aka Marxy), who wrote the definitive book on Ametora, called... wait for it… Ametora! The article shamelessly rips a lot of its substance from the pages of his amazing book.
Highly recommended reading. Ametora: How Japan Saved American Style https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465059732/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_xHFsCbB3PYVTQ
Edit: more than half way through he gets two mentions, one of which calls his book the Bible of Ametora, so I revised shameful to unfortunate.
You should read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. If you ever have kids, have them read it, too. His advice is t he same: Never go with them. Force them to commit to their choices right where you are.
Frizz is:
1) a curl trying to happen 2) dryness
Best thing I ever did for my hair was the curly girl method. Get rid of sulfates (cleansing agents that break up disulfide bonds, aka. curls) and silicones (can only be washed out with sulfates) in your cleaning products. The side bar is a great resource, and so is the Curly Girl Handbook
Today:
- I ordered some makeup stuff from Ulta rather than going into the drugstore and going "oh, this is on sale? I should get it. this looks interesting, maybe I'll get this too" and then 2 weeks later wonder why I have literally 14 different lip balms
- I opted out of a free gift with purchase (a branded water bottle) with that Ulta order because lol I do NOT need another water bottle
- I talked myself out of the F21's STORE CLOSING sale I passed by because I knew it was going to be clothes that would last a year at most and even for 50% off it still wasn't worth it
- on a similar note, I requested two books from the library about having a smaller/sustainable wardrobe
A user recently posted photos from the book Bushido: Legacies of the Japanese Tattoo. The photos are copyrighted images and I don't think it's right to have them posted like that here. These are images that I made myself that detail the same information that user posted. It's a great book and I recommend picking it up here. Sorry for being a stickler.
My wife is obsessed with this book: https://www.amazon.com/Curly-Girl-Handbook-Michele-Bender/dp/076115678X, I tried to get her to look at /r/curlyhair before but she's not a reddit person (Edit: looks this book is listed as the ultimate guide on the /r/curlyhair wiki)
Thanks to /u/mochacho for the fixed link
I do! Get a copy of The Curated Closet (I guess there's also a related workbook but I haven't read that). It was super helpful to me who had a few items I really liked but couldn't really see how to fit them into a more cohesive/compact wardrobe. It's def not one of those "invest in classic pieces" advice books (like no I do not want or need a trenchcoat thanks) but it's great at asking you to look at what you like, what don't like, what you want to wear, what your lifestyle is like, etc. and then helps you figure out what you want to own. It's NOT a quick process though, at least I didn't find it to be quick, but if you really want to commit to the work, I think it's great.
Its mostly a picture guide of how to use makeup to achieve the desired effects. It breaks down terminology and techniques used by makeup artists in the 90s. It’s a great book! It may be old but i find it’s not dated. It’s not so much about looks to try but tricks to master. My mom gave this to me when I was like in 8th grade ( like 12 years ago), so I have no idea if it’s still around
Edit .found it!
Get your hands on this book, ASAP. Curly Girl: The Handbook If you can get a copy with the accompanying DVD, get that one. It's worth it.
Hair types 1a through 4c. I have found that finding out my porosity has made a huge difference, and I ignore my hair numbering type. Does your hair take forever to get wet and forever to dry? You have low porosity hair. Or do you have high porosity hair, where it soaks up moisture in no time? For low porosity hair, use lighter products, avoid proteins. Opposite for high porosity hair.
I use probably 4 bottles of conditioner for every 1 bottle of shampoo, I wash with conditioner only 95% of the time. Conditon your hair like you will die if you don't. Get rid of sulfates. They are harsh detergents that break the disulfide bonds in your hair (these shape your hair curly, straight, etc.) Silicones can only be washed out with sulfates, avoid them too.
I use suave essentials sun ripened strawberry conditioner.
Do not use a regular towel to dry your hair. Use a microfiber towel or a t shirt. Do not rub your hair to dry it, scrunch from the ends to the roots.
If you properly condition your hair, you should have minimal frizz. If you do have frizz at top, take some gel, apply it evenly across your palms/fingers, and lightly run your hands down your hair.
Edit: word
Listen to yourself when something feels wrong. He escalated too fast and you picked up on the fact that it was not a good idea.
I also recommend getting a copy of The Gift of Fear - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776
You sound like you're coping with a lot of anxiety and, glancing at your previous posts, that you're a teenager. Anxiety can cause and worsen sleep disturbances like nightmares, but at the same time, it's important to remember that our brain uses sleep and dreams to work through problems, sometimes before we're consciously aware of them.
Being a woman is scary, but a life lived in fear is a life half-lived. There are precautions you can take, skills you can learn, and relationships you can nurture that lower your chances of being a victim of violence. There's no such thing as 'no risk,' but there is a good shot at ' low risk'.
One thing I recommend to anyone concerned with personal safety is the book The Gift Of Fear by Gavin DeBoeker. It really helped me understand how to keep myself safe, not just in the "grabbed by a stranger on my front porch" situations (which are far more rare than domestic violence) but in relationships of all kinds.
Good on you for being aware and reaching out. Those are survivor skills, and they will help you every day of your life.
The Gift of Fear - Really good book on how you need to listen to your intuition in order to survive. When something "feels" wrong, like when you're out jogging and a car you don't recognize drives slowly past you with some George Floyd looking guy inside, get yourself out of there. Honestly, just paying attention to their surroundings is something people dont do nearly enough.
I’ve been reading about capsule wardrobes lately and am trying to move that way with my wardrobe. I realized that despite my over abundance of clothing, there are only certain specific pieces that i wear over and over again and really love. Personally, I don’t think an extremely strict capsule wardrobe would be very realistic for me, but I think there are a lot of good principles that can be pulled out of the concept. I love the idea of focusing on quality, versatile pieces that fit you well and that you feel great in vs. as many fast fashion/trendy/cheap pieces as you can afford (which I realized is how I currently shop and is definitely why i always feel like i have nothing to wear even though my closet is overflowing).
I ordered a book on Amazon called (the Curated Closet. I haven’t finished it yet so I can’t 100% vouch for it, but I’ve flipped through it and read the first couple chapters and I think it will be really useful for me. It’s very functional, it gives you exercises to do to help you develop your personal style and then build your wardrobe around that as a guide.
Be sure to read /u/Leisureguy's book Leisureguy's Guide to Gourmet Shaving the Double-Edge Way, easily found on amazon Leisureguy's Guide to Gourmet Shaving the Double-Edge Way https://www.amazon.com/dp/151151583X/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_CXBKvbSSHQJ63
Helped me out big time.
boa noite, I pretty much had the same routine (electric shaver most the time with a fusion razor when I wanted to be cleaner) and I hated shaving, usually I would have a scruffy beard my wife hated.
I gave DE a shot and love it, the ritual, the feeling of clean skin, the nice smells from the soaps and after-shaves.
You just got to be patient while learning and no go overboard on soaps (oops failing there) and supplies.
Hopefully someone international (i'm in US) can chip in with things to get from amazon or places to buy where you are at, I picked up Leisureguy's Guide to Gourmet Shaving and enjoy reading it.
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It's a lot of info and can be very confusing. I highly suggest you read the Curly Girl Handbookbefore buying anything else. If you understand the foundations of why each rule exists, you'll waste a lot less time and money! The books is free if you have kindle. Also I linked to amazon but it's often available in public libraries - my library system lets you download library books for free using the app "libby", maybe yours does something similar. The book really breaks things down a lot more clearly than any website I've ever seen.
The Curated Closet by Anuschka Rees. It can help you figure out what you love to wear so you can donate what doesn't work for you
https://www.amazon.com/Curated-Closet-Discovering-Personal-Building/dp/1607749483
I found a book called "Bushido" which was fascinating. Tonnes of cool images and the author took the time to set out background and history quite a bit.
Bushido https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0764312014/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_RMT3KVGT1DAVDFZVDQZJ
Block him. Immediately and permanently. Tell your friends that you believe he is a threat to you, and you need them to protect you by refusing to speak to him about you, offer him any way to communicate to you, or give him any information about you.
Choking another person is one of the biggest red flags in domestic violence that the choker is a potential murderer of the person he is abusing. He is not your friend. He is a psychologically damaged, physically dangerous threat, and you need to behave like he is.
Tell his abusive parents. Tell his sweet sister. Do not keep this private. Keeping this private allows him to pretend that he's still got a chance, and he will continue to stalk you. Notify the police and ask that they do a wellness check on him. Hire a lawyer to send him a letter to leave you the fuck alone, and if necessary, send the lawyer to court to get a restraining order. Do NOT talk yourself out of this. You are the only person in this whole thing who can make sure that you remain safe. You are not responsible for his health or happiness, and him trying to manipulate you into believing that you are is a complete deal breaker.
Finally, go get a copy of Gavin de Boecker's The Gift of Fear. It will help you understand what you're up against and how to keep yourself safe.
The Gift of Fear explains how and why to overcome the societal pressure to be nice to creeps and how to avoid/get out of dangerous situations.
You need to read it first and teach her age appropriate information. It's written for adults and is probably too much in pure form for a young teen.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_8T3R58FNFM854BKSK1WQ
Not an article (sorry), but I really enjoyed this book. It does sort of lean more into the Japanese streetwear trend towards the second half of the book, but it's all around a great read if you haven't heard of it before. You could also check Heddels for their articles on the history of particular fashion brands and articles of clothing, they might have something.
I'm not a derm, but it could be shaving related. 100% check out the wicked edge sub reddit. They are the masters of shaving + skin care. Also the book recommended in their sub is super information as well. Here's a link: https://www.amazon.com/Leisureguys-Guide-Gourmet-Shaving-Enjoyable/dp/1477436804/
What the what. She cursed your unborn baby and stole its scan?
This is not "am I the asshole" territory. This is "read Gavin December's The Gift of Fear and get a restraining order" territory.
I've lived way "worse" places and to be honest I am past the age when I am out much alone walking around at night.
That being said, any area can be dangerous for a woman walking alone. That's just the reality of life. I never let it stop me from doing what I wanted to do when I was younger. As someone else said, situational awareness is key. Leave your headphones out. Look around in all directions regularly. Listen to your instincts.
Also - every young woman (and man for that matter) - should read "The Gift of Fear" which teaches us to listen to our own 6th sense about danger.
OP, I recommend that your co-worker reads the book The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence
When she leaves. Give her a copy of The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It's a very frank evaluation of several threat scenarios by an expert. This includes DV and all the baggage that comes with it, including explaining the aspects of the relationship that keep some women returning to them despite the danger. I've seen it in action.
For that matter, it's a good idea for just about anyone in today's society to read. Nothing like being assigned as the new supervisor to someone who ticks off many of the boxes on the workplace shooter evaluation section of the book to be aware of what you're dealing with.
Just remember that any court orders on paper are just that, paper. She might need more tangible defenses, but only if she has the will to use them, or they may be used on her instead. My sister's house will help a great deal to protect her when she leaves, but eventually it's up to her to protect herself.
I highly recommend this book, "The Gift of Fear." It talks about how the brain picks up sub-conscience signals from everywhere, the difference between anxiety, worry, and REAL fear. It's really helped me talk myself down when I have an anxiety attack.
I was on mobile before- here's the link for convenience.
Commonly recommended on this sub and others a lot, but if you haven’t already, highly recommend reading / listening to the book called the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It’s all about listening to your intuition to keep yourself safe.
https://share.libbyapp.com/title/122728
The Gift of Fear https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_5FA4P74N17Z77EQM1X7Y