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"she's not going to change," always my favorite JustNo excuse. Must be nice to control the world and everyone in it so we all have to work around the MILs personality. ��
As a practical matter if she's not boundary stomping you to death, I'd keep trying to coexist. Though you might want to remind your DH that he married you when you have the quiet, reserved personality you have now - it's not like you sprung it on him after the fact. Did his attraction to you include the fact that you have a more restful personality than his family? And if so, why would he want you to change it?
ETA: Also, this book is excellent and very informative about introverts, I highly recommend it!
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004J4WNL2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9LI2CbQ1WKHWF
There's actually a book called "Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life" that I read a few months ago. A leading expert on human sexuality looks at sexual fantasy based on the most comprehensive, scientific survey ever undertaken. There is a LOT of data and he writes about tons of trends, like who's inclined to be into BDSM, how age/religion/political views correlate with specific fetishes and fantasies, etc.
I personally thought the book was pretty pedantic and a little repetitive, but the underlying data discussed in the book was interesting, and I feel like a lot of people in this sub might really enjoy it based on the questions I've seen here.
Your post made me think of this book because he does mention the fantasies exhibited most often by Democrats, Republicans, and other demographics, and while he can't DEFINITIVELY explain the connections, he does speculate about some potential reasons from a science-based standpoint. Pretty interesting.
Read The Charisma Myth.
The equation that produces charisma is actually fairly simple. All you have to do is give the impression that you possess both high power and high warmth, since charismatic behaviors project a combination of these two qualities. “Fight or flight?” is the power question. “Friend or foe” is the warmth question.
To be charismatic doesn’t require that one be naturally outgoing, physically attractive, or need to change their personality.
Possible to be a charismatic introvert.
Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation:
- Lower the intonation of your voice and the end of your sentences.
- Reduce how quickly and how often you nod.
- Pause for two full seconds before you speak.
If he doesn't want to work towards fixing his issues there's not much you can do. He has to want to change before it's possible.
I recommend he give this book a read
https://smile.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional-ebook/dp/B009VJ4B4C/
I had the same experience! One book I found from that sub that was super useful was “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. I definitely recommend it if you want to feel some compassionate validation and ways to move forward.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this :( it really breaks my heart to hear, but I'm glad you have a partner that loves and supports you.
The comment about attachment theory reminded me of a book about adults of emotionally immature parents, which sounds like what they are from what you have described. I'm currently reading it myself and it's been a great eye-opener and later on it talks about how to heal from this. amazon link for the book
Hopefully this can help you come to terms that it's not your fault and you deserved to be love. It might be a long and hard journey to heal from the trauma but I know you will be able to achieve this and I'm rooting for you to find your happiness and the love you deserve!!! Sending you all the positive energies!
Hey OP, I'd like to gently point you to the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents". I just finished it, and it helped me to understand and resolve my feelings around a very similar childhood experience.
Frankly, pretty much the exact situation you're describing in your post is actually discussed in the book (one of the patients of the author went through that with their parent also).
Yep. OP might want to check out this book https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4
Hi,
Maybe don’t try to explain your side right away. It’s been 20 years and all that he knows is from what your wife told him. He probably doesn’t want to hear your side and won’t believe it anyways. Maybe try to build a relationship with him prefacing that the history between you and his mother is a long one and one day soon you hope to tell him more.
Then do your best to get to know him for who he is. Offer to go to eat and play where he wants to. If he likes film, go to an exciting movie together. If he likes sports, play with him. He may continue to be sharp with you, but if that’s what it takes to build your relationship with your son, take the bullet. Give him time and understanding for all that has happened. It’ll be difficult for you, but I know you can do it.
How to Win Friends and Influence People is an excellent book that will help you create a relationship with your son. It’s a medium sized read, but has incredibly information. Highly actionable.
Here’s a synopsis of the book https://www.fs.blog/2012/07/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people/
I hope this helps.
With love, Bill Dinh
I'm not OP, but if the reason you have a hard time processing your emotions is at all linked to your upbringing, I've found this book quite helpful: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B009VJ4B4C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Basically, the book is about how your parents can inadvertently teach you that emotional expression is bad, which can screw you up, because expressing emotions and by extension, your needs, are a fundamental human drive. The book will give you techniques on recognizing your emotions, and a lot of useful support on encouraging you to be more comfortable expressing them.
You might be able to move out and find a job to pay the rent, but the fact is it's going to be much, much easier if you finish a college degree (or some sort of education) first.
Could you transfer to a school upstate or in the midwest? Rent, food, and other expenses would be much cheaper. Most college towns don't require a car. And you could always take a bus back to the city. You'd be able to live away from your parents and your student loan money would go much farther than in the city.
You should also put psychological healing on your radar. If you've been living with abusive parents, it's going to take time and work to retrain your brain. You may get more targeted responses in a sub like /r/raisedbynarcissists but here are some resources to check out:
- Call 1-888-NYC-WELL or chat online. You can talk to a counselor for free. They'll help you talk through your options for getting into a better situation.
- Kati Morton is a therapist with a good YouTube channel. (Example: Dealing with Toxic Parents | Kati Morton)
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a highly-recommended book
Read book. Forgive, forget.
Parents suck a being parents. Maybe one day we all can be a little less shitty to the next generation.
I found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents really helpful in understanding what my parents’ problems were. It has also helped me understand that in addition to the disadvantage of their religious beliefs, they were each not taught to be more emotionally in tune with their children. It doesn’t make the hurt less and it doesn’t excuse the neglect, but it helps me work towards being a better parent to my kids than mine were to me.
I know it feels like you're a terrible daughter, but in reality, you're not terrible for wanting to be treated with kindness, love, and respect. Your mother is an adult who is responsible for her feelings and shouldn't be taking it out on you. You're not responsible for any of her trauma either. You can't fix her, because she's responsible for her healing journey. It's unfair to expect yourself to do all the work to repair the relationship if she's not putting any effort into it. You deserve more than that. A book that I found helpful is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.
I recommend this book/audiobook - “Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking” by Susan Cain. She was a lawyer herself and very much an introvert. Might be helpful to you, perhaps consider checking it out!
https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking-ebook/dp/B004J4WNL2
Neediness comes from "insecurity", a psychology technical term from attachment theory. I'm confident this book will help you. It's a classic in the field, easy to get at a library or on Amazon.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
by Levine and Heller
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I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4
It helped me understand that I didn't need to feel guilty. Setting boundaries is the only way to get out from under it. You can do it. Doesn't mean it won't be painful, but it gets easier. It really does. And you'll be a better person for it.
For the nervousness, I recommend reading The Charisma Myth and practicing the concepts every chance you get - merely studying it doesn't do much for you. This is harder to do at the moment, but I was single when I read it and consciously tried to apply it by going on a date or two per week. I'm strongly introverted, but also managed to build the nerve to approach and chat with random people in bars, usually getting into the grove with the most approachable guy I see then building momentum to talk with women who looked like they wouldn't be annoyed by strangers (not everyone there wants to find a date/hookup or even talk to people besides their friends)
That sounds like it's only dating advice, but it was a fantastic way to consistently practice soft skills that help you be less nervous during stressful conversations where the person may reject you while appearing more likable and confident. All of that applies to interviews.
Alternatively, you could do meeting-ups or do things like D&D with groups of strangers on discord; however, I found dating to be the most stressful thing that I could expose myself to frequently. As a side effect, I met my wife and my second life partner doing this, we're polyamorous, as well as a few friends.
Here's a book that can teach you how to make requests of people without being demanding:
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B014OISVU4
This book did a study about sexual fantasies and found that 79% of men and 62% of women fantasized about sex with multiple partners. Obviously fantasizing is much different than actually doing, but it would seem the fantasy is quite common.
Yup, sounds exactly like my mom. It's been incredibly frustrating. This book helped me with that a lot.
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(new account because I'm still not comfortable talking about stuff like this online)
fellow introvert here! i highly recommend reading this book - i already knew i was an introvert when i read it, but there were sooooo many things discussed in the book that were mind blowing for me. it's really fascinating!
You might want to take a look at r/RaisedByNarcissists and r/CPTSD if you haven’t already. They have some good resources and advice about this.
I also highly recommend Lindsay Gibson's book Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
I'm sorry you had to experience this.
In dem Buch The Baby Decision: How to Make the Most Important Choice of Your Life gibt's ein eigenes Kapitel für genauso Menschen wie dich. Ich hab das Kapitel damals nur milde interessiert gelesen weil es für mich nicht relevant war, aber ich bin mir sicher dass es dir (so wie andere Kapitel in dem Buch mir) weiterhelfen kann.
Ich hab das Buch auf Englisch gelesen, aber auf Amazon gibt es das auch auf Deutsch: Die Kinderentscheidung: Wie Sie die wichtigste Entscheidung Ihres Lebens treffen.
Vielleicht magst du auch Mal in ein paar subreddits stöbern, vielleicht kannst du dich mit ein paar Posts dort identifizieren. r/fencesitters und r/singleparents vielleicht?
https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional-ebook/dp/B009VJ4B4C
Go enrol in new hobbies, group classes, etc. so you can build a group of friends around you. It's hard work and takes years but is so worth it.
A few books for you so you can heal (it's up to you): https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional-ebook/dp/B009VJ4B4C
While not a stoic resource, you might check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. Armed with insights from this book, you might be able to think more stoically about your relationship, and how you've learned to cope (good or bad) with the situation.