It’s men who think being nice to a woman is the way into her pants. Typically, they are only nice to people they want something from. That’s why a lot of people view them as manipulative as well. This is usually due to the “nice guy” not wanting to sexualize the women, often in an effort to try to set themselves apart. Problem is, they forget women are sexual too and don’t necessarily disqualify someone for being insinuative. No sexual tension(I’m using the phrase loosely) means no attraction. They don’t realize this and because they were nice and expected sex in return, they lash out.
I think that’s what I’ve gathered over the years of hearing the term.
It looks like the the cover for one of those bizarre amazon erotica books like "Pounded in the butt by my own butt" and "A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay"
Source: I was in high school and these titles were hilarious at the time.
I had a similar "If I'm going to kill myself, why don't I try to have a better life first" experience too. It was about 35 years ago. And yes, I'm happy and fulfilled. The journaling is great (If you don't know about cognitive behavioral therapy, look it up. My experience came from this book which may be dated, but I think still has value).
My story is not your story, but if I could make through mine with a happy ending, then you can find one for yourself as well.
Everything you said, plus:
>I'm now where I should have been at 25, and I'm 37.
There is no "should be" script in life. We are where we are; some imaginary or idealized person's life is does not apply to our personal circumstances.
If OP cannot get to a mental health professional, I urge her to get the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. My therapist co-signs that book as well and even gave me activities to work on similar to what that book goes over, like a mind map and mood chart.
I'm reminded of a line of dialogue in a book I recently read (well, listened to). To expound on the plot summary on Amazon, the protagonist awakens to find that, while he was dead, the US became a theocratic state. Cryogenic preservation was ruled to be blasphemous, preserved people were declared to be dead, and all related assets were confiscated and sold off, including the preserved people.
The protagonist observes that it seems like it the proper action would have been to just bury the people, to which the other character replies, "Did theologues limit themselves to logical or consistent behavior in your time?"
I laughed so hard at that line - especially how it's delivered by the narrator - that I nearly had to pull my car off the road.
That would be Cradle by Will Wight. Love it.
If there is a book called "Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt" on Amazon, there is a novel for your kink; or you haven't written it yet.
Alcohol can cover up anxiety, which is probably what it's doing to you. There are other treatments for anxiety that do not have the negative health impacts that alcohol does.
I found this book very helpful, and only £1.50 for the kindle edition
You can reduce your anxiety without medication - work on that.
There is a self help book called "Nice Guys" written by a shrink who was a reformed "Nice Guy" himself.
While not a LitRPG I feel like the Bobiverse scratches the same itch very well.
It's about a guy who's consciousness is put into a robot and shot off into space. He has 3D printers that can create anything he can think of, including copies of himself. While not living "in a game" he still creates his own VR world that he shares with his copies and can control his perception of time by speeding up/slowing down his processor.
He explores, invents, creates and discovers tons of amazing stuff.
The thing about the "friend zone" is that the women who put you in it were probably never attracted to you from the start, and it's not like it would change because you used some magic technique or pick up line to win them over. I know that might be hard to hear, but the truth is, if women are attracted to a man it doesn't usually change just because they become friends.
Maybe some women can put people in this category in their minds no matter how attracted they are, but personally as a woman, I don't have a sharp distinction between friendship and romance in my head. I don't arbitrarily put people in one category or another when I get to know them. Either I'm attracted or I'm not, basically. I can be attracted to an unavailable platonic friend for years and it's not easy for me to just "get over it".
Having said that, if you really are attracted to a woman, it's probably better to ask them on a date (and make it clear it's a romantic date, not a friendly hangout) sooner rather than later - to avoid the awkward situation where you're close friends and then don't want to ruin the friendship. It also comes across as more honest if you make your romantic intentions clear from the start, otherwise some people might feel you were befriending them with ulterior motives.
I've also heard good things about this book so it might be worth checking out: Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson
You really, really need to address your depression. Don't make any drastic and unalterable decisions right now (such as dropping out of med school) because of your feelings of hopelessness. Whether it be with a therapist, psychiatrist, or PCP, it's important to talk to a professional rather than random people on r/medicalschool who may or may not have good advice to give. I also highly recommend this (basically cognitive behavioral therapy in a book): https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=sr_1_2?crid=3DEPOIHVCW02L&keywords=feeling+good+the+new+mood+therapy+by+david+burns&qid=1576788065&sprefix=feeling+good+the+new+mood+the%2Caps%2C178&sr=8-2
It teaches you a lot of tools for addressing automatic negative thoughts and other things that might be distorting your perception of reality.
You're in medical school, and they chose to accept you for a reason. You are not at all "a disgrace".
This process (called the diffused mode of the brain) is discussed in depth in a book I read a few years ago called A Mind For Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science (Even If You Flunked Algebra).
Would highly recommend if anyone is interested in how your brain learns things - especially abstract concepts like mathematics and programming.
I had the same experience! One book I found from that sub that was super useful was “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. I definitely recommend it if you want to feel some compassionate validation and ways to move forward.
Cradle series by Will Wight.
You/anyone who found this interesting should read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" ([link])
It will give you a very in-depth understanding of the phenomenon discussed here (and various other connected ones). The book also contains actionable suggestions.
I misread that as 'fuck dinosaurs' and thought of this book.
Also, you would be surprised how infrequently dinosaur erotica comes up on reddit so that I can drop a link to that book!
Hey man we all get discouraged when learning something new.
You should check out this [link]
The author was terrified of math throughout high school and joined the army after graduating. When she was ~25 she realized the work she was doing was not going to provide her a great future, and she went back to school for an engineering degree. During this time she learned how to overcome her issues, and she's now doing a PHD.
I really liked the book, I got it on Audible but wouldn't be surprised if the library had it :) She covers strategies to deal with solving new problems and also procrastination.
Yeah, sorry someone already has a lock on the saurian sex market. Taken by the T-Rex is a classic. :)
¯\_( o_O )_/¯
I'm early thirties, and left a controlling ex a couple years ago myself (still married because they keep "accidentally" dropping the ball on their end, but that's another story). I had a discouraging experience going back to school while we were still living together, and it made me nervous about trying again. But this time has been totally different. I'm graduating from CC this spring with a 4.0!
We adult students have a lot of things going for us. There's the benefit of life experience and a fully developed brain. We tend to be more organized and driven, too. You may even find that material you struggled with as a teen comes more easily now.
However, I still get panicked every semester that I'm going to lose focus and flunk. Recently I've started having nightmares that I'm going to fail a class and not get to walk for graduation. I'm also worried because I'm starting STEM "weed out" classes next semester, so the difficulty is about the ratchet up significantly.
I'm managing by keeping my focus mostly on my current semester. I also bought a book called <em>A Mind For Numbers</em>, which is recommended for folks who aren't so confident in their math skills. It focuses on strategies for studying more efficiently and reducing the time you feel like you're grinding away but not getting anywhere.
I know it's scary, but school won't be as bad as your fear is telling you. Community colleges are very supportive places, with lots of resources to help you succeed. Take advantage of advising, free tutoring, and disability services (if panic attacks continue to be a problem). Don't let fear stop you from getting that degree! You can do it!!
I'm so sorry that you're going through this :( it really breaks my heart to hear, but I'm glad you have a partner that loves and supports you.
The comment about attachment theory reminded me of a book about adults of emotionally immature parents, which sounds like what they are from what you have described. I'm currently reading it myself and it's been a great eye-opener and later on it talks about how to heal from this. amazon link for the book
Hopefully this can help you come to terms that it's not your fault and you deserved to be love. It might be a long and hard journey to heal from the trauma but I know you will be able to achieve this and I'm rooting for you to find your happiness and the love you deserve!!! Sending you all the positive energies!
I seriously thought I was having deja vu. He did this before!
Anyways this post isn't strictly Amazon-related and is book-related, which breaks rule #5.
But it's motherfucking CHUCK TINGLE.
So I will make an exception. Because you don't mess with Mr. "Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt" himself.
The book has been updated over the years so make sure you find the latest one. This is the book though (may not be the latest one though): [link]
Considering how there's dinosaur erotica on Amazon, I wouldn't be surprised if this severely misguided woman actually wrote and published a book.
I know it can be hard to talk about, been there myself. Something that really helped, and got me into a headspace where not only could I help myself, but to where I could talk to others about it was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Its under $20 on kindle
Its not a typical "self help, be happy" type book, its by the guy who pioneered CBT, which is a mainstay of modern psychiatrists.
It didn't "fix" my mental illness, but it really helped me cope when I was in the worst of it.
That and binging Community and Parks and Recreation
Hey OP, I'd like to gently point you to the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents". I just finished it, and it helped me to understand and resolve my feelings around a very similar childhood experience.
Frankly, pretty much the exact situation you're describing in your post is actually discussed in the book (one of the patients of the author went through that with their parent also).
It's here in audiobook format if that's easier.
I'm not well-read in the genre so I'm not sure if this is exactly what you're looking for, but Will Wight's Cradle series sounds as though it might interest you. The series isn't complete, but there are five completed novels in it.
Amazon link for the first book, Unsouled
Amazon link for the first three as a package deal.
I would recommend it if you're a fan of cultivation, spiritual techniques, and the zero to god journey. It also has a more western style prose that for me was more enjoyable to read.
Yep. OP might want to check out this book https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4
Dom: Where's Letty?
Tej: She's been Taken by the T-rex!
Letty: Once you go lizard you never go...
Bah. I'm no good at this.
What keeps people going is resilience. The good news is that it's something you can develop (and I know that because I've gone from having none to being pretty healthy). To get started, you need to do cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT teaches you about cognitive errors that lead to the problems you've been having. For example, "all or nothing thinking" leads you to think that once you've failed at one thing, that you're not good at anything. Without the cognitive error, you can see what's really happened. Maybe you didn't prepare well enough--that's something you can fix. Maybe you chose an endeavor that isn't a good fit for you, and you can use this information to figure out better fit. Maybe you didn't have a key piece of information. There are lots of reasons for failure that don't mean "I'll never succeed at anything," and finding out those reasons gives you the resilience to try again. And again. Sometimes you'll fail, sometimes you'll succeed, and you'll always be learning.
As far as how to go about CBT, seeing a therapist is always an option. But CBT works really well in book form. I highly recommend "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It's cheap at Amazon. Go through the exercises, and you'll see an improvement in your depression, in your resilience, and in your relationships.
You should start browsing r/seduction. It’s a sub fully dedicated to “picking up” women and basically getting dates and finding a girlfriend.
I’ll summarize what the sub will most likely tell you if you chose to ask the same question over there.
1) Read Models by Mark Manson. It’s sort of a non-bs approach to getting a girlfriend. It basically gets your mind straight and tells you how life really is in hard truth. You can probably find a pdf floating around the internet, if not just get it from amazon.
2) Work on yourself. How’s your mind, bad? Go to a psychiatrist. How’s your body, bad? Go to the gym. How’s your clothes, bad? Go the mall and get modern adult clothes. Work on yourself until you are confident.
3) Approach. Everyone on r/seduction will tell you it’s a numbers game. Approach as many girls as you can and eventually one will say yes and go on a date with you. The hard part is approaching. It’s nerve racking and everyone gets scared of doing it. That’s basically what the sub is for. It’s for you to have a support group to help our approaches improve and hopefully get better enough to land you a date. Go to college campuses, the mall, really anywhere and just start asking girls for their phone number.
Your weight, your athleticism, your age, that doesn’t matter man, you know why? How many men approach women? 5-10% ?
You are going to be in that 5-10%. You are going to be in that small group of confident outgoing men where looks don’t matter, you’ll realize after reading the book and browsing the sub that confidence matters.
What the fuck are you talking about????
This is the highest form of literature in all of human history!!!!!
> When the angry T-Rex corners the huntress in a box canyon, it seems more interested in her wet womanhood than in her flesh.
I've had a similar tendency, this book has really been instrumental in helping me get past this. I'd suggest giving it a read.
I've never read this book, but sometimes I think I should (Amazon non-referral normal link)
i would say favorite title is probably classic of POUNDED IN THE BUTT BY MY OWN BUTT because of modernist simplicity. favorite BOOK that i am most proud of however is TRANS WIZARD HARRIET PORBER AND THE BAD BOY PARASAUROLOPHUS i just think i did very good job with this one and it makes me proud of myself
A man cold is the common cold, but for men like me, it makes me completely useless. I use all my energy at work and then I'm done for the day. Which is worse when you have anxiety and depression.
Citalopram is an SSRI, (also known as Celexa) it's used to treat both anxiety and depression (as well as a host of other conditions)
I found that it takes more than just the SSRIs to deal with the What ifs.
They give you a boost, but it's like re aligning your brain. My Doctor recommended Feeling Good, the new mood therapy by Dr Burns (amazon link
(Note for mods: the Amazon link is not an affiliate link)
I managed to get the eBook for cheap and it has quite a bit of homework that helps train your brain to worry less about the What ifs and really analyse them.
Once you are able to fully realise what the What ifs are coming from, you are able to navigate life worrying about them.
The Dao of Magic is a more westernized type cultivation story. The Dao of Magic has some pretty interesting ideas, and for the most part is a great read. It is not without its flaws though, but they give the story character in their own way.
Unsouled is the first book in an ongoing series of wuxia/xianxia inspired books that is released on Amazon. I feel it is really well written, though I got bored halfway through the released books. It's still great, it's just hard for books to keep my interest, and is nothing against the author/story.
I haven't really read many English stories that are purely wuxia/xianxia though, but I have noticed wuxia influence in all manner of fantasy webnovels nowadays. I know there are many more wuxia/xianxia original English stories though; I just can't think of them off the top of my head.
You might be able to move out and find a job to pay the rent, but the fact is it's going to be much, much easier if you finish a college degree (or some sort of education) first.
Could you transfer to a school upstate or in the midwest? Rent, food, and other expenses would be much cheaper. Most college towns don't require a car. And you could always take a bus back to the city. You'd be able to live away from your parents and your student loan money would go much farther than in the city.
You should also put psychological healing on your radar. If you've been living with abusive parents, it's going to take time and work to retrain your brain. You may get more targeted responses in a sub like /r/raisedbynarcissists but here are some resources to check out:
Have you heard of We are Bob? It's a book that started as audiobook series. It very closely goes through the scenario you mention. One of the best sci-fi series imo.
There's an entire subgenre based around this, check out /r/ProgressionFantasy.
One of the most well-known examples within that genre is the Cradle series by Will Wight, which starts with <em>Unsouled</em> and has a major focus on growth and transformation.
I found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents really helpful in understanding what my parents’ problems were. It has also helped me understand that in addition to the disadvantage of their religious beliefs, they were each not taught to be more emotionally in tune with their children. It doesn’t make the hurt less and it doesn’t excuse the neglect, but it helps me work towards being a better parent to my kids than mine were to me.
I know it feels like you're a terrible daughter, but in reality, you're not terrible for wanting to be treated with kindness, love, and respect. Your mother is an adult who is responsible for her feelings and shouldn't be taking it out on you. You're not responsible for any of her trauma either. You can't fix her, because she's responsible for her healing journey. It's unfair to expect yourself to do all the work to repair the relationship if she's not putting any effort into it. You deserve more than that. A book that I found helpful is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.
I was very similar to you, and found the book <em>A Mind for Numbers</em> incredibly helpful for helping develop effective studying techniques (I read it my last semester in school, and kicked myself for not reading it sooner). There's a coursea course called "Learning how to Learn" by the same woman (+ a man, iirc) that seems to cover the same content.
[link]. Also...just because of your username, I have something for you:
> Drin is her tribe’s chief huntress; she lives for the thrill of the hunt. Men and sex hold no allure for her, as Drin has never found a partner to satisfy her. When a T-Rex descends upon her village, destroying it, Drin demands that the tribe’s hunters go in search of the beast and slaughter it. Opting for safety instead of revenge, the tribe moves to a new location, hoping that the big beast won’t follow them.
> It does.
> Drin taunts the beast, giving her tribes mates time to flee. As she runs, leading it through a gauntlet of traps, the thrill of the hunt soars through her blood, leaving her wet with desire. When the angry T-Rex corners the huntress in a box canyon, it seems more interested in her wet womanhood than in her flesh.
Also, that is now in my amazon history. I hope my gf doesn't need to order anything from Prime anytime soon.
In my opinion, Unsouled is much better. Better characters, more epic worldbuilding, along with better prose.
It is still recognizably by the same author, so depending on what you did and didn't like about Travelers Gate, it's hard to say how you'd enjoy this series.
I'd recommend going to the book's Amazon page and reading the free preview (should only take a few minutes). It covers the book's prologue and the first part of chapter one. If you like that, you'll definitely enjoy the rest of the book.
Ok then... This film definitely inspired those dinosaur romance novels on Amazon.
I didn't see it brought up yet in the sea of posts, but I wanted to bring up "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It's a self-help book based on being an authentic you instead of a "nice guy". It is definitely worth checking out and really helped me reevaluate myself.
Non-affiliate Amazon Kindle page:
Edit: removed incorrect web link
Give the Bobiverse series a try.
The premise: An engineer signs up for cryogenically freezing his brain when he dies on a whim. A bus runs him over. He wakes up hundreds of years in the future except it has been determined that these frozen brains are now the property of the state. They couldn't unfreeze him and bring him back to life, but they COULD use his brain as a template to be mapped into a computer system. He is now effectively an AI, given control over a Von Neuman probe that is to be sent out to colonize space.
There's lots of fun world building and an interesting look at the human condition. They're pretty clever with Bob too. For example, there's no such thing as Faster Than Light travel, so Bob just turns his clock speed down. In this way he experiences time slower than is actually happening and doesn't go insane on the long journey between planets. The books really start to pick up as he constructs other Bobs, each with their own slightly different personalities.
I think there is a book you should read. " No more Mr. Nice guy"[link] .
Sounds like defining relationship boundaries is causing you some stress. This book has some great advice.
That bit you mentioned about your girl sounds like a problem a lot of us have, "covert contracts". Read that part of the book if nothing else, it will help.
This book I read gave a neurological explanation for procrastination. They stuck someone in a fancy brain scanner gizmo and gave them a task that would trigger their procrastination. What they saw was that the anticipated discomfort you mentioned lit up the actual pain centers in the brain. They also saw, however, that this brain activity stopped when the person actually started the task. Based on this, their advice was "start by just doing a little." But in your case, it sounds like the pain response continues while doing the task. Emotional flashback?
If their model is correct, then maybe your problem isn't actually "procrastination," but you're getting the same end result of avoidance and dissociation. If so then tactics for dealing with procrastination aren't going to help as much as expected- and obviously you've tried quite hard!
In your verification photo, your skin looks a little flakey. You might want to make sure you get enough water daily and buy some moisturizer.
I recommend clean shaven.
I wonder if you lack for confidence? If you are straight (and I don't want to assume), you might want to pick up the Mark Manson book - Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
I'm with you, I was perplexed too. However, I found it. NMMNG = No More Mr. Nice Guy.
You might really enjoy a book series called “The Bobiverse”
It’s about a von Neumann probe with an Ai made of a human engineers (Bob) brain scan.
The science is pretty solid and general relativity and time dilation is an integral part of the plot.
I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4
It helped me understand that I didn't need to feel guilty. Setting boundaries is the only way to get out from under it. You can do it. Doesn't mean it won't be painful, but it gets easier. It really does. And you'll be a better person for it.
Maybe start by reading this and asking yourself a lot of honest questions. Good luck!!
I’m sorry, that’s sounds so frustrating, college-level math and physics can be very unforgiving if your high school math foundation is weak. It sounded like you have put in the hard work but struggle to see results. That’s an indication that your current study strategy/habit is not working and it’s time to learn some new study skills, to study not just harder but smarter. Here is the perfect book for you:
I benefitted a ton from the book. I also agree that it would be a good idea to take a semester off to focus on your mental health and study strategy, review high-school math using Khan academy, and do some soul-searching to understand why you are in college (what’s your life goals?) so that when you are ready to come back, you will be in a much better mindset with better background and strategies to get through the struggle.
Cradle is a progression series by Will Wight and is right up there with your stuff with how much I enjoyed it. It’s got some of the highest ratings on Amazon in the fantasy section. Here is a link to the first book.
They are pretty quick reads and they just get better and better with each book. It’s basically about a kid on a world where people perform a mixture of magic and martial arts and everyone’s worth is measured by how much power they have and only the strongest are given resources to get stronger. The MC is born with a magic deficiency so he is basically thrown to the lowest spot possible on the social ladder and told to just live out his life under the radar, take the disrespect with humility, and not rise above his station. Obviously the story is about him overcoming all that. Sorry, I’m not so great with descriptions, but I really think you would like it, the character struggles are really well written.
My missus gets stressed af and loses the plot every time she has an interview, and as a result she's been at the same level for about 10 years. However, she's been encouraged to apply for a number of roles 2 levels above hers, not only by her direct supervisor but by the director as well, AND the fact that there are some real wankers in the department that will apply as well (and probably get in), so she's thinking that she pretty much HAS to apply otherwise she'll be pissed off at the wankers being above her.
So she's starting to freak out about the potential interview. I'm very tempted to get her this book for xmas.
For a perspective on how things might go for a cryonics patient in the future, read "We Are Legion (We Are Bob)" by Dennis E. Taylor. The audiobook narration is great!
Seriously though, try not to think about it. Everything ends. That's life. Live in the moment. You have the ability to choose how you want your life to go. Enjoy life while it lasts and appreciate how lucky you are to be self-aware as a human with opposable thumbs, Pokemon, and SpongeBob.
One thing that I've learned is that some books that you buy on Amazon will let you add the narration for really cheap if you buy the book. So instead of paying $30 for a book (or $15 a month for a credit), you can buy a kindle book on sale and 'add' the audio book.
I'm currently listening to a series called the Bobiverse thanks to this. The first book (We are Legion, We are Bob) was only $4 for the book and then another $2 to add the audiobook. If you like sci-fi/adventure books, I'd recommend it, it's dumb fun.
Also don't forget that your local library probably offers audiobooks on OverDrive.
Can't you buy the book for 0,00 dollars?
Here a link to book 1 : https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01H1CYBS6
+ maybe read the advise from 'automoderator' a couple of comments up. You should not choose 'read for free' but 'buy now'.
Yup, sounds exactly like my mom. It's been incredibly frustrating. This book helped me with that a lot.
(new account because I'm still not comfortable talking about stuff like this online)
I was reading this book and this book. I also just looked up some stuff about emotional immaturity online, but I really liked her books.
1) ~~Graduate from high school.~~ Done.
2) Don't get addicted to drugs or alcohol.
3) Don't get a woman pregnant who isn't your wife.
4) Don't commit any crimes.
Do these and you're statistically unlikely to ever be in really bad shape.
Like everyone is saying, work hard, form good habits, save your money, but don't forget to have fun! Enjoy your youth.
Be virtuous. But don't be ashamed for having your own needs and wants.
Have beliefs. But keep your identity small.
Have you heard "you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with"? Surround yourself with good people. People you admire and want to be like.
Good luck. Happy birthday!
Diffused thinking is more conducive to creativity and invention, but while flow is a sign of focused productivity. You need both diffused and focused modes of thinking. Models of innovation, like design thinking, have divergent and convergent stages.
This MOOC on Learning How to Learn has a good introduction to how your brain works. The early lessons are informed by A Mind for Numbers.
> I am super self-critical and always compare the food to the most superlative version of that food I have ever consumed. Even if it tastes good, I mentally discount the reasons that I think it tastes good ("it only tastes this good because I was so hungry; or because it's so hot out; or because this is a nostalgic flavor for me"). Meanwhile, if anything is "off," I assume that everyone else will notice immediately and hate the food.
I recommend Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns, M.D. (The father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) Your post is a textbook example of one of the types of cognitive distortions or unhelpful thinking: Disqualifying the Positive. That is, making excuses for good performance and insisting that everything you do is useless, poor, pathetic etc and anything well-done is an accident.
You mentioned that he might not be ready for the ACA literature, but if he's interested in finding out if he's ready, this might be a good place to start:
Also, I can only speak to my own experience going LC with my borderline mom, but this book helped me figure out how to draw boundaries and recognize recurring patterns, etc. Its not just for borderline parents so might apply to his situation too: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents [link]
Here's on amazon for kindle: [link]
I recommend this book I read recently.you can learn about your parents and understand how to grow and where does your emotions come from.You can also go to therapy if you feel like it.
Hey sorry you are struggling!!!
I would suggest reading
It's full of quite practical advice and I was amazed how much better I felt within a few days, just from doing a few exercises. You can't always change your circumstances but you can change your mood with just minor tweaks to your behavior and thinking. It's not going to fix all your problems overnight but you will be in a much better mental place to handle them.
Major depression might require drugs or therapy, but I'd try that book first.
I’m really, really glad you got out of there and that your dad is standing up for you. Your mom is mad because she had free, live-in care for her children who are her actual responsibility. She has been able to behave Iike a teenager with zero responsibilities. Moving the boyfriend in after a few months is dangerous with children too. In the world of narcissistics, sending your grandma to tell you you’re an AH is called “flying monkeys”, or the way that narcissists twist situations and get other people involved by making themselves the victims. Your mom is upset because she is the AH not you.
Please consider writing down in a factual way some of what you shared here so you kind of have a good record of it, because your mom will try to convince you it “wasn’t that bad”.
Please also consider a few sessions with a therapist to put this in perspective as your mom sounds manipulative. I was raised (I’d say groomed) to grow up too quickly (my mom made me feel I was always such a burden) and always think stuff was my fault and that she was always right. Your mom is wrong and clearly doesn’t want you to realize that. As the mom she should be validating and acting out of concern for your safety, happiness and emotional well being.
This book is really good too: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents [link]
Hey dude, get a pencil and paper and spend your free time on it. It doesn't have to completely be finished in one session or one day. Just keep revisiting it and add as your mind processes it. I would love to recommend a great book to you by Barbara Oakley. It's called a mind for numbers. It's an amazing book that explains the processes of the brain and what the best methods are for actually improving your abilities. I'm sure you are much more capable than you think you are. I'm am extremely happy for you that you have found DMT, it will show you that you can improve yourself in ways you wouldn't even imagine were possible. Just couple the dmt with real world application and you will see drastic improvements. [link]
As I get older (31) I learn more and more that my parents are often not as open minded or willing to learn from me than I thought in my 20s. I singlehandedly avoided a family meltdown this year by exercising all of my willpower to not take argument bait, eat crow and accept blame (that they did not reciprocate even though they initiated), and made amends. It was the first time I had done this and was incredibly draining but also satisfying to know that I have a lot of control over my actions in these types of situations, and that can heavily influence the outcomes. It’s really tricky. Great book: “[link].
Good luck op, this healing shit will require an lot of effort and introspection on your part and it requires not expecting it from them too, which is the hardest part IMO.
Instead of sharing my own personal "rules", I'll just add that having self-respect is a big part of it. Specifically, knowing your boundaries, setting your boundaries, and enforcing your boundaries. BTW, I'm one of those guys who evangelizes the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. I know not everyone here likes that book. For me, a skipped a few chapters that did not resonate with me. However, the author's message about boundaries is eye-opening and intensely thought-provoking.
In my marriage, I allowed things to happen that I flatly disagreed with. But I kept my mouth shut most of the time. Even when I "put my foot down" (whatever), I was met with ridicule and contempt.
But now? I live my life how I want to live it. I've had relationships; in fact, I'm kinda in one now. She gets pissed at me all the time when I say 'no'. If she nags, I'll ignore her completely for a few days and let her cool down. No fucking way will I be manipulated again into doing something I don't really want to do. I'd MUCH RATHER be alone.
I'm ready to walk away at any time. That's a rule we should all embrace.
it's not good... you can be angry without humiliating or berating your kids. maybe check out this book?
Hugs to you. I'm so sorry.
>I don’t know if I’m still hurt from childhood trauma or from the trauma of how we found out about the divorce. Or, even, the context of how they started dating and how similar it felt to the affairs.
It sounds like many years of trauma, psychological abuse, keeping secrets, etc. Your feelings are totally understandable. It's normal that you feel the way you do, and it's ok to set boundaries that feel right for you. You do not have to see your mom's boyfriend if you don't want to (it sounds like you're old enough that you don't have to be there, yes?). And you can tell your step-dad what really happened so you're not carrying that secret.
>My mom blames me and says I need to get over my hurt that she caused.
This is not ok for your mom to say to you. It's not your fault and you don't have to just "get over it." She's deflecting so she doesn't have to be responsible and accountable for her actions.
Two books I recommend you read:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
and When Parents Cheat by Dr. Ana Nogales
Look them up on the Libby app, you should be able to read them for free there. They'll both be very helpful for you. 💛
I did have to build up courage. I've gone NC twice. The first time lasted for 5 years and the second time is current, and I feel much more strongly that I will never have a "normal" or healthy relationship with my parent.
In both cases, it helped that I had support. Many people weren't supportive but my mom (who is fortunately not narcissist) and my boyfriend were. My suggestion is to lean on any social support you have who is understanding or to find that online if you don't have any offline.
It has also helped me to read about abusive dynamics and narcissism specifically. One I found really helpful was Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Another was Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
The first one is more directly relevant to being raised by narcissists. The second is aimed at women dating abusive men but I think it more broadly applies to abuse in general. I only read chapters that seemed relevant to my parent -- including one on parenting. They are both good at helping understand abusive mindsets without excusing it.
This book is amazing at describing cognitive distortions
I just spent some time Googling around to try and find you a good summary and I couldn't. Perhaps even more reason to simplify it in game form! But yeah I learned everything from the Feeling Good book, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Also, thanks for the kind words!
It says “1 of 3” in the listing, but he’s up to four books now, with more coming :) The first three books feel mostly like a continuation of a single story arc, where book four jumps off to a kind of “new” story, and IMO was awesome. Watching the otters at the aquarium took on a whole new light after reading Heaven’s River!
I agree, and going one step further, here's a book/audiobook on the subject that might help you as it did to me:
Oh you would love the Bobiverse by Dennis Taylor. Book 1: https://www.amazon.com/Are-Legion-Bob-Bobiverse-Book-ebook/dp/B01LWAESYQ
Yes you can do it! You will not not fail.
This is a good, motivating resource: A Mind for Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science
You simply have to change your study habits when it comes to math classes. You have to rework problems, use recall and pomodoro methods. (It can really be applied to many topics.)
This may be overkill and obvious to some people but this is what I did for all math classes (calculus, physics, linear algebra, discrete math, stats) as a 30 something returning to college.
I did a version of the above and it was inspired from the book I linked. My success with this method is high. FWIW. I graduate in December.
It's important to find something that works for you. And you'll figure that out through trial and error. Just hope the error isn't too high.
Very true. Therapy should be part of basic health care service we deserve for paying taxes.
But for anybody who really needs some help…
If you have $11, you can afford the eBook of Feeling Good, one of the best Cognitive Behavior Therapy self-help books ever written.
Not every resource or therapy is a silver bullet for every problem. But this one has a damn good track record. And it’s a damn better choice than doing nothing.
I know the struggle. I ache for anyone feeling the way I did.
It was assault whether you were drinking or not. I can imagine having a conversation with your foster folks is similar to talking to a child. The church stunts their mental and emotional growth, so you may never get what you need and deserve from them. 🤬😳😢 I’m so sorry. It’s infuriating, I know, to try and raise your parents. Regardless, get some help. There is a free assault-victim group and individual therapy in my town, maybe there is something where you live? Maybe this book might add some light: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents [link]
Hi there - based on what you’ve said about your parents you might find this book helpful: [link]
I grew up in a difficult household with emotionally withdrawn and selfish parents and this book was tremendously helpful to me. My therapist recommended it to me.
>im wondering how the hell did i get here? how did i dig myself into this fucked up hole. not even a hole, a radioactive pit.
You didn't. No one ever wakes up one day and thinks, "Oh, it's a good idea if I end up with a complex mental illness."
>my mom & dad always downplayed it, misunderstood me. but no, ive decided to stand up for myself and have realized im actually really really damaged, and there are reasons for it. it's bad. it's severe. i haven't allowed myself to believe that because i feel like i havent been traumatized enough to really have these bad of problems.
>i havent witnessed physical domestic abuse, ive never been physically abused, ive never experienced sexual assault, ive never lived in poverty, ive never been in a war. but i have definitely gone through some bad things. and everyone handles life differently. it starts to wear on you after a while... the psychological stuff. the neglect.
I can relate really well to this. And I have a book that gave me answers and so much validation that I was able to manifest radical acceptance.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents [link]
Emotional neglect is abuse.
This book helped me find some multiple flaws in the way I use to study and in return, greatly improved my GPA. Don't be misguided by the title, these are tips for all field of studies (not just science and math).
Here you go [link]
UK is the same
Your mom sounds like a nightmare. I would definitely recommend reading 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.'
May I recommend you get him a copy of this?
It is not one of those awful 'dating tricks' books that treats women so badly, it's the express opposite of that and as someone on the spectrum, I found it hugely useful.
I'd recommend reading A Mind for Numbers by Barbara Oakley. I'd also recommend reading Peak by Anders Ericsson. I think your problem is more on learning and those are two really good ones. I advise you consider listening to them as an audiobook because you don't need to pay attention to them 100 percent of the time to understand what the content of the books are, and by listening to them you'll be able to find more time for them.
I've been reading this book lately, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and it has been really eye opening for me
I'm sorry to hear that. This book helped me move on from some of my own childhood trauma: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TZE87S4/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Good luck to you.
If you're a guy, Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Mason has a very detailed chapter on a porn/masturbation diet. I'm a woman who's never been into porn (weird, I know) so it was an awkward read for me, but useful info nonetheless.
Here's a link to that: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005EOTH24/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
I used to go to BDSM clubs because I could get dopamine and human connection without drinking myself into a stupor. The plague made me a bit more sexually conventional, but now I'm double vaxxed, so time for an orgy lol
Hey man, I'm 28. In the last year I've gotten a lot of time to reflect, read and grow. I highly recommend two books that have helped me out a lot with your exact problem:
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson
No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover
Seriously, I have an otherwise awesome life (career, money, family, friends, etc) but my mental model of the world made me miserable and it prevented me from escalating with women - at all - these books really helped me after reading them slowly and integrating them into my life.
Definitely work on your self-esteem. Girl's don't usually find low self-esteem an attractive trait in a guy. Just keep telling yourself that you are a very handsome guy worthy of a relationship with a fantastic girl.
Please don't get any kind of surgery to improve your appearance. You don't need it and could mess up what you are lucky to have.
Consider reading the book by Mark Manson Models: Attract Women Through Honesty. It could help you. However, ignore the last chapter of the book as it was written before verbal sexual consent became practically required.
Don't beat yourself up because you don't these know these things, your parents have been employing these narcissistic practices all their lives and you are just a kid, you won't know unless someone tells you or you educate yourself.
Maybe try reading this book: