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I read a book about love languages. It was from a Christian perspective but I think anyone could get value from it. Basically the take away was that we all show and feel love in different ways. One of the best things you can do is figure out how your partner feels loved (their love language). It may be verbal, physical touch, actions etc. You then make a conscious effort to make sure that your partner knows you love them by using their love language and not just your own.
Edit: wow a lot of people apparently saw this. Here is the book on amazon if anyone was interested:
It's apparently less than $5 as an ebook. No I'm not the author. Good read even if you ignore the religious perspective it is great to work through with your significant other.
In case anyone doesn't know the reference: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=five+love+languages&qid=1600148058&s=digital-text&sr=1-3
This book would have saved my marriage, if I had read it early enough.
The thing about the "friend zone" is that the women who put you in it were probably never attracted to you from the start, and it's not like it would change because you used some magic technique or pick up line to win them over. I know that might be hard to hear, but the truth is, if women are attracted to a man it doesn't usually change just because they become friends.
Maybe some women can put people in this category in their minds no matter how attracted they are, but personally as a woman, I don't have a sharp distinction between friendship and romance in my head. I don't arbitrarily put people in one category or another when I get to know them. Either I'm attracted or I'm not, basically. I can be attracted to an unavailable platonic friend for years and it's not easy for me to just "get over it".
Having said that, if you really are attracted to a woman, it's probably better to ask them on a date (and make it clear it's a romantic date, not a friendly hangout) sooner rather than later - to avoid the awkward situation where you're close friends and then don't want to ruin the friendship. It also comes across as more honest if you make your romantic intentions clear from the start, otherwise some people might feel you were befriending them with ulterior motives.
I've also heard good things about this book so it might be worth checking out: Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson
She’s pretty clearly motivated by the idea of having money, and I cannot stand her thus far, but this conversation reminded me of The Five Love Languages. (An absolutely amazing book and a breezy read that everyone should check out. I can’t believe how much it made me understand myself and others.)
Basically, for some people, gifts are their love language. And I don’t necessarily mean that in a materialistic way. Giving and receiving gifts, however small, makes them feel loved. I don’t like using the phrase “gold digger” because it has such misogynistic connotations and also implies that there’s something wrong with transactional relationships when they’re actually perfectly fine and quiet common.
But I’m curious about Larissa—I wish we could tap into a parallel universe and see how she reacted to him having a bouquet of flowers for her when she arrived. Would she have bitched about the quality of the flowers like Daya in season two? Or would it have given her a little reassuring emotional boost that protected her from feeling such deep disappointment when she saw the underwhelming dreariness of Las Vegas for the first time?
I want to like Colt and dislike her, but I suspect they both may turn out to be quite different from their portrayals in the first two episodes.
Sorry for the long rambling! My brain has not had enough caffeine injected into it yet.
Here's a really good book I'm reading that sounds like it could be very helpful for your situation. "The Deadbedroom Repair Manual" by Melody Parker. I wish I had read this book early in my own relationship with my wife. I would have had a different understanding of the approaches to our sex life and our respective needs which would have been so helpful.
Good luck to you and your partner both!
I hope not. I'm working on bringing adventure back. The Talk doesn't work. Take a look at this book. It's been eye-opening for me.
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Usually when your SO cheats on you, it's a normal reaction to feel like you must have done something wrong to push them into it. People want to blame themselves so they feel like they have some control over the situation. If it's his fault, he can fix it. If it's your fault then he just has to hope you won't cheat on him again. Also, when a man gets cheated on he feels emasculated. Add in that you cheated with a woman and he's going to feel doubly worthless as a man so once again, it's going to lead to him feeling like he's just not good enough and it's his fault.
This is the situation you've created and the trauma you've inflicted on your boyfriend. So you can't go feeling all shocked that he's apologizing to you. You've most likely given the man PTSD and while you have a bit of guilt you could probably move on from this relationship in a short time but it will take YEARS for his self esteem to recover.
You should start doing some reading on how to try to work on your things in a healing manner. How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair
This is a book that distills all the best advice that you can get from here:
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
This sub is great to hear from others like you. But we need to do the research and the work to fix things. The book above can help.
You should start browsing r/seduction. It’s a sub fully dedicated to “picking up” women and basically getting dates and finding a girlfriend.
I’ll summarize what the sub will most likely tell you if you chose to ask the same question over there.
1) Read Models by Mark Manson. It’s sort of a non-bs approach to getting a girlfriend. It basically gets your mind straight and tells you how life really is in hard truth. You can probably find a pdf floating around the internet, if not just get it from amazon.
2) Work on yourself. How’s your mind, bad? Go to a psychiatrist. How’s your body, bad? Go to the gym. How’s your clothes, bad? Go the mall and get modern adult clothes. Work on yourself until you are confident.
3) Approach. Everyone on r/seduction will tell you it’s a numbers game. Approach as many girls as you can and eventually one will say yes and go on a date with you. The hard part is approaching. It’s nerve racking and everyone gets scared of doing it. That’s basically what the sub is for. It’s for you to have a support group to help our approaches improve and hopefully get better enough to land you a date. Go to college campuses, the mall, really anywhere and just start asking girls for their phone number.
Your weight, your athleticism, your age, that doesn’t matter man, you know why? How many men approach women? 5-10% ?
You are going to be in that 5-10%. You are going to be in that small group of confident outgoing men where looks don’t matter, you’ll realize after reading the book and browsing the sub that confidence matters.
It's a great list! The woman who wrote it wrote a book recently!
I’m sorry you are in this bad situation. Personally, I would continue to be her friend, not because I approve of her actions, but because it’s ok to love a friend even though they are flawed and not perfectly moral. Also, hoes before bros. You may not want to listen to me because if any of my friends murdered someone, I would ask no questions and just help them bury the body.
You don’t know the whole story either. He may be cheating on her, he may be addicted to porn, he may be closeted in some way that is not honest in the marriage. If they’ve tried everything and it’s still not fixed, I assume he got a medical checkup and it’s not something obvious like low testosterone. Especially since she is taking it as a sign that something is wrong with her. Maybe gift her this book which is the best resource for fixing a dead bedroom, but otherwise, yeah.
She might not tell you her story but she has a book. It's a steal and would be a good place to start.
This doesn't sound too unusual. Take a look at the reading materials. This is a good one: https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
There might many causes. There might be things that you have not figured out yet. But it seems that masturbating everyday will reduce your libido.
Check this book. It might help you brainstorm about the situation or give you other perspectives. https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Along with the book "Come as you are", I highly recommend the book "The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual".
It was extensively researched and wonderfully written by a smart and experienced woman who knows this subreddit well and often contributes ideas and advice here. It was recommended to me a few months ago and reading it has helped me understand my sexual relationship with my wife at a much deeper level. The book has excellent ideas which helped me a lot and, from the situation you described, should be a help to you as well.
Good luck to you. After over 30 years together, my relationship with my wife is still a work in progress but at least there is progress!
Your situation is sucky. Most will say leave but it does not seem like you have the means. I have been reading this book from one of the resident experts. Not sure if it will help him since he has not followed up on his promises twice. However, hopefully it will help you manage the situation. Maybe if you get lucky, you can get him to read it too. It is only $4 on the kindle.
Never heard of this. Very expensive. Maybe first try this book recently published by a resident expert here on Kindle by myexparamour (or something similar)
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
> so it's not really an option for me to cut and run
You and me and millions and millions of other poor, helpless schmucks. Like a broken record player, as if we all have been wired with the same programming (again, the Matrix analogy), spitting out the same self-DISrespecting shit lines over and over.
I hope you are absorbing all the material in the main sub's (r / theredpill) sidebar material, along with the blogs, like The Rational Male, whose author also has two great books out on Amazon, basically a very well-organized collection of his blog posts.
$1.99 on Kindle. Read this fucker tonight: https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi-ebook/dp/B00FK901R8/ref=mt_kindle?_encoding=UTF8&me=#nav-subnav
Not to say you should divorce her. That's not the point. However...
I went thru a divorce myself last year and although on paper it isn't nearly as crushing as yours, I never came so close to killing myself. It was tough to say the least, but you best believe I thank God--no, I don't believe in God-- I thank MYSELF every day since I've discovered TRP for going through with the divorce.
If you're ready, willing and able, all this will save your life.
Neediness comes from "insecurity", a psychology technical term from attachment theory. I'm confident this book will help you. It's a classic in the field, easy to get at a library or on Amazon.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
by Levine and Heller
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Attractive! 7/10
In your verification photo, your skin looks a little flakey. You might want to make sure you get enough water daily and buy some moisturizer.
I recommend clean shaven.
I wonder if you lack for confidence? If you are straight (and I don't want to assume), you might want to pick up the Mark Manson book - Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
This book goes over the psychology of dead bedrooms: The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_R7RTFMVHKMFPYKBY4FDB
Wow. There are so many things to unpack there to work on.
I think the first thing, is start trying to address all the factors that are in easy control. He's got to stop steroids. I get he wants to do body building, but he's got to stop. Next, what are the non sexual parts of the relationship you'd like to improve? The desire for sex is strongly tied to quality of the romantic relationship in LTR. If there are things to improve there, that'd be a good thing to work on too.
As for to improve the bedroom, this is a guide written by a person who has basically studied dead bedrooms and was in one herself. It's cheap as hell and it's a great guide. https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_T8C68N83A2X0MBK7JV48
Beyond that, I'd start looking at people like John Gottman the psychologist for advice on the matter too.
Sorry to be so general, but you asked a question that probably needs a couple books to answer. Start with the one I recommended and work from there.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. If you don't doing the sexual things as well as many thing you're spouse likes to do, you should look all the big life issues and see how compatible you two are. My spouse and I match on so many other things (kids, pets, religion, politics, housechores, life chore) that we don't really fight on things. We both are emotionally healthy with healthy attachment styles. We both work and contribute to the relationship. So when I look at the sex, it is just one of all the other issues that are important. Even before compromising, I knew I was not leaving. Since we are working on compromising on sex, even better. If we had disagreed on kids, politics, and chores on top of the sex, we would have had to divorce.
If you don't enjoy sex right now, I can see how you are LL or on the asexual spectrum. Like I said, at home, my spouse and I have NEVER sat through an entire movie or TV show we hated. I have sat through tons of neutral shows my spouse likes (my choice. They won't make me). My spouse has not watched mine (but now I am not Reddit instead of TV). I have also watched bad movies in the theaters, but they were movies I expected to be better and once you are in the theater, not much else to do.
- If you are interested in the psychology of sex and sexual relationships, consider reading this great book I started reading recent by r/myexsparamour called Dead Bedroom Repair Manual. Only $4 on the Kindle. I don't read much, but I love this book. The psychology is fascinating. I am about 80% through and will probably re read it in a few months. Fascinating book. She pulls in other authors' input regarding sex including Emily Nogalski. She also mentioned Arthur Arons 36 questions. which I suggested she expand in her next edition. We used the questions for emotional intimacy.
I'm going to recommend that you head on over to /r/lowlibidocommunity and skip the poison pity party that is /r/deadbedrooms. If you want to complain and vent, go to DB. If you want education, perspective, and possible guidance, low Libido community will help. Check out the side bar and wiki guide. If you just so a medium level glance at what articles are there you will find some that are probably very relevant. Additionally, the M.U.L.L.s are a good read for perspective and understanding what a LL partner experiences. Because the short answer is, there's very likely nothing wrong with them. If there isn't extra stress, financial hardships, diet and exercise problems, or other physical health issues, then how they are is just how they are.
Additionally, I just found this book by someone who has gone through a DB themselves in the past and has gathered a lot of info on other people's success stories over the years from deadbedrooms and other places.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_pSb0Fb743M452
All that being said, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm an HL myself and I don't know what it'd be like to go without sex for 4 months with a partner I loved. But I do know that just because my partner isn't as passionate or sexual as I am by a long shot doesn't mean she's not as invested in me and this relationship. It's just who and how she is. Nothing will change that. And you have to accept that it's okay to live life like that, or decide that that it's not.
Thank you! Coming from you, that is really great to hear. I've learned so much from your rich posts and your AWESOME book, The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual!
>What helped you regain love and attraction when you were LL? Do you think those same things could work in your current relationship?
That's a good question. I think one of the main things was the fear of losing her, when I began to drift apart. I guess I wanted to want her, but when she was beginning to get fed up with my distance, I got scared.
Here's the Amazon link for it.
It bothers me that I know people genuinely believe what they say to me, but I don't so I need to pull out an appropriate reaction out of my ass.
> of which I love more than the world
You are showing to much emotions, that's is not healthy, women hate it and it's unattractive to them!
> was like a dream come true for me
This is where you disaster starts!
You showed her that she is the best you can do!
That you are always available.
That she is your only option!
> I also find myself comparing myself to those 4 mouth-breathers that are nothing compared to the man I am.
Buddy, women want to chase love, and work for it, or else it will be a boring relationship for them, unattractive to them, you are just too available, those 4 mouth-breathers knew how to push her buttons and be attractive to her!
But you can maybe solve that problem!
You answer is in this Amazon top rated book (Read it, and don't let her see you reading it):
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 - By Athol Kay
Work on the MAP (When you read this book you will know what it is!)
Good luck buddy and update us after you read the book!
You're probably missing a fundamental thing:
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/
Until encountering that concept ( which I then dug-into via a website, not a book ), I was always getting it wrong, the mis-match between communication-styles with other people.
I cannot understand "gifts" as communication-means: just not wired that way.
Other people, cannot understand any other means of communicating valuing...
Please dig into the concepts of that, whether in a book or on Le Web ( La? Web? .. do French people deem the Web to be masculine or feminine? ), & maybe it's fundamentally a communication-language problem...
( :
If you're interested in doing some reading on the topic of meeting more woken and having successful interactions with them (whatever that may mean for you) I recommend checking out "Models" by Mark Manson.
Amazon.com https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005EOTH24?ref_=cm_sw_r_apann_ts_P02D81D9SZKHDCF0CS05
The book is explicitly against the whole pick up artist/fuccboi approach.