Rekindled things with an old flame recently. I thought I had been killing things with her, till I saw this book on her nightstand last night.
I was you, and I didn't end up marrying anyone. Years later, as my friends are getting divorced, it turns out their spouses weren't perfect. The secret no one shared when they were thirty, that they are sharing now that we are older, is that most of my friends found a respectable guy, and just made it work. No one got their "prince charming", but men that were also interested in having a family.
I know it sucks to hear it, and you look at others who have "great marriages", but the truth is you don't really know what is going on inside of their marriages. There is a book you might find useful, "Marry Him - The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" .
It is really about finding that guy that has decided he is ready, ultimately it is men that hold the keys to marriage. Sadly, I feel for your generation, as their are so many incentives for many men not to want to settle down.
I can only speculate, but at the time, both were NYT best selling authors whose work originated on the internet, along with others like Robert Hamburger and this other guy called, I think, Dick Masterson (hope I remembered that right)? This was very groundbreaking at the time (early-mid 2000s), so I guess Tucker and Maddox figured it would benefit them both to promote each other.
Eventually Tucker got the movie deal, it ultimately flopped, he went dark for a while, went to therapy, got married and had a kid, quietly emerged again and starting blogging, started a highly successful company, created a podcast centered around a new book, and is now continuing with his company. I think.
Maddox.... well we all know what happened to Maddox.
But to actually answer your question. I think they "split up" due to Tucker's career going in a different direction. Although I never really thought they were "together" in the first place.
So I started a summer job at an Amazon warehouse and shipped a book titled "Why Men Love Bitches" the other day. Apparently this shit goes both ways and people believe it enough to write and read books about it. So I'm not surprised if OP's creep saw a random video and was inspired.
Agree and this behavior without checks and balances has some negative consequence even for the female: https://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X
The book is an incredible autobiography of what is going to happen even to succesful, attractive women in the next 4-5 years in the west as they become unbearable and convince themselves all men are trash.
There is nothing wrong with getting to know this guy better and pacing the dating process while you figure out if this is what you want. You have a very full and busy life. You are right to explore something different from your past “type” and your mind/heart may need some time to understand this different experience.
There’s a great book “How to avoid falling in love with a jerk” and one of my takeaways is that not rushing physical intimacy is a great thing while you are figuring out the complexities of a relationship. To me, this includes giving time for attraction to grow. Many will not agree with this method and want to have sex early on to establish intimacy, make sure they are a good fit, etc. You don’t have to follow other people’s approach.
Take the time to understand what route makes you feel secure and protected. Because ultimately if you decide to part ways but you have respected your boundaries and kneeds then how could that be a bad thing??
As long as you are unsure of your feelings then there is nothing wrong with being sure before you advance to the more intense activities that we associate with “physical attraction” (passionate kissing/touching/etc). Starting smaller, e.g. holding hands, is an idea.
You have been on 4 dates. You like him. It’s so early and that’s enough for now. While it’s great to have that immediate spark, it can make us miss otherwise wonderful people that maybe we needed time to know more deeply. I have definitely been in situations where my physical attraction grows once I know a person better, have a strong sense of their character, and can trust them (words/behavior consistently match).
As long as you are both upfront AND in agreement and check-in with each other about the pacing of things then what more can you do for now?
It’s so tough. Good luck to you!
This question reminds me of this book which addresses female expectations and the illusion of an abundance of options. Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough
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This is a secret that most women won't admit to, until post divorce. (May be the same for men, but only women I know have admitted). Several of my friends admitted that they were early 30s, wanted kids, and picked the best men they were dating at the time, to get married. Even with all the fertility treatments, including freezing your eggs, there is something about not waiting until everything is "perfect" to have kids.
There is also a book, Marry Him Settling for Mr. Good enough. That said, the US social standards have changed/are changing, and getting married isn't the pinnacle it once was. In fact the US is more single than married.
On the other side of the coin for women, sure we can find sex, but most women either want more, or need more (especially financially, as women still lag men's paychecks with similar job).
I will stun you even more, I have very few friends who are not divorced. The exception are the ones who are/were SAHM, they don't have the financial means to leave.
Or you could keep him on the backburner. Don't end it if the money is good but start looking for his replacement.
I also suggest that you read Why men love bitches. It is a very good book and most of it can be applied to sugar as well as vanilla.
Right now, just match his energy and don't text him. If he is genuinely busy it comes across as needed and if he is not and just doing a slow fade, you don't need to waste your energy chasing after him or getting into a "discussion".
Most men HATE the "we need to talk" texts and it does absolutely nothing to bring you back closer together. I just makes them run even faster.
The single biggest book that helped me was How to Avoid Falling In Love with a Jerk.
For me, it really helped me to realize where I was failing. I was over-committing far too soon to people without getting to know them. Then I felt "all in" when they really hadn't proven themselves trustworthy.
I found it an amazing book. Your mileage may vary, but I loved it.
I also read Psychopath Free. Wasn't the best for me, but I know many people like it.
I have this book also listed on our wiki and I recommend that you read Sherry Argov's Why Men Love Bitches
This book will really help you with your mindset when it comes to vanilla dating and also to keep your standards high.
Listen to the mating ground podcast. It's insanely good https://toppodcast.com/podcast_feeds/the-mating-grounds-podcast/.
https://www.amazon.com/Mate-Become-Man-Women-Want/dp/B01LTHXJVE Is incredible.
These things show you how to be the very best man you can be and that attracts women.
I agree with you. The big issue is that OP slept with the guy immediately. He didn't have to work for it and be generous.
Freestyling is all about finesse. You have to change your mindset exactly.
I recommend that you read this book Why men love bitches
Guys love free and easy pussy but don't value it. Make him court you and invest in you.
My wife and I worked through this book together, a few questions at a time, before engagement - 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged. I proposed probably halfway through so I didn't exactly obey it lol, but it has great conversation starter questions about important topics. I'd wager that she would be impressed with your initiative ;).
if you are questioning when to get engaged, there is no "right time," just keep praying and discerning! I proposed after 8 months or so of dating.
Why Men Love Bitches is definitely a classic and has some useful strategies. I was just going to (re) post an excerpt from it, great minds think alike!
I also am going to add it to our reading recommendations in our Wiki
Pay close attention to these five words in the book: Know, trust, rely, commit and touch. Then apply them to your everyday life.
>I still love him so I want to make sure that his needs are met 🤷♀️ he still deserves to be treated right and I want to show him I still care.
And yet amazingly, while you're more than willing to be a complete doormat for him because he's so 'deserving,' this jerk can't even show you the respect most of us show the common fruit fly.
Stop and really THINK about that for a while.
Read the book, "Why Men Love Bitches." No, it's not how to be a bitch - that's just a catchy title.
The book is about NOT being a doormat for a man and recognizing your VALUE. It sounds like you really need to read this - multiple times.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560
sincer, cel mai bun sfat care il pot da, este sa mergi la un psiholog bun (ai mentionat terapia dar nu e clar ce ai facut, poate incerci CBT), preferabil femeie
dupa recomand cartea https://www.amazon.com/Mate-Become-Man-Women-Want/dp/B01LTHXJVE
incepe sa mergi la sala incepe ceva hobiuri sau activitati de caritate unde poti socializa inclusiv cu fete.
mult spor
>That's why the book is called "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and not "No more Ms. Nice Girl"
<em>Why Men Love Bitches</em> is functionally "No More Ms. Nice Girl", but I'm sure you guys take the title at face value and think that it has chapters on AF/BB, hypergamy, monkey branching, false rape accusations, and divorce rape. (I've read it,and the author herself admits in the first chapter that the title is inflammatory and the rest of the book isn't about how to be a "bitch" in the traditional sense of the word.)
Also, just LOL at the fact that there are no "nice girls" or doormats who allow themselves to be manipulated by others. I went to Codependents Anonymous and it was mostly women who had just escaped 10 year abusive marriages or were sick of enabling their grown addict sons. Also LOL at the fact that little boys aren't manipulative. Children are all manipulative, because they need others' resources to survive and they don't have fully developed empathy yet.
Check out The Mystery Method, it goes into hired gun game a bit in that book. It's a complete classic, it basically started the whole seduction community.
It is a bit out of date, was written before smartphones etc, but the concepts in that book are completely timeless. They still work, you just have to be able to understand the underlying principles and apply them to modern-day things like texting or dating apps.
I'm not even sure if you can get his old DVD programs anywhere anymore, but they're classics man. That was where it all started. You could probably find torrents of them. He had some pretty extensive hired gun game lessons in those too.
EDIT: just found a youtube vid with Mystery teaching a bit of hired gun game. Check that out for a taste.
I highly recommend reading How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk, by Dr. John Van Epp. He goes over the statistics regarding cohabitation before marriage, and says although it's popular and those people that agree with it say it's beneficial, the actual statistics show that it's not. People who cohabitate before marriage actually have higher rates of divorce than the average. If you do pick up the book, that's all in Chapter 12.
But seriously, pick up the book if you can. You have very valid concerns, and How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk has great advice for each one. I totally agree about the culture in our church of jumping into marriage at a young age; I think it's very unhealthy. The Jerk Book talks about that too; it takes about three months for deep seated patterns to become evident, and those are usually the things that are going to be issues in marriage.
Anyway, I could keep going, but I seriously recommend that book.
Try reading https://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560
Why Men Love Bitches is such a game changer as far as my outlook on dating!
I have always been so nice it’s like I’m a people pleaser. I’ve found that can be a way of manipulation. I also want to be true to myself so if I am too nice, I’m going with whatever the guy wants and overlooking my own needs.
Others can sense this and it comes off as weak and needy
You seem to be calibrating your self-assessment of your own mate value - too good for one guy of lower value, but not good enough for another guy of higher value, and you are entirely free to. Just be careful that you don't overvalue yourself and find yourself eventually locked out of the market (r/datingoverthirty). Rejecting second date with nice guys that you just don't feel a spark with, and then finding yourself with no options as you grow older is basically the situation the author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Good Enough tries to warn you against.
One of my favorite YouTube channels, Cinema Therapy, recently recommended a book you might find helpful: https://www.amazon.com/How-Avoid-Falling-Love-Jerk/dp/0071548424/ref=nodl_ How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. (It was in their episode about the film Love Actually.)
Even though you are already engaged I highly recommend this 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged https://www.amazon.com/dp/0736913947/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_6MRDWWE9GAJBC7XTFR8M
101 questions before you get engaged
Highly recommend this book by Corey Wayne (you can get it free from his website or an audio book from amazon). It's a relatively short read (listen). He doesn't give many specifics but more the logic behind attraction so you can use that logic to fit your personal circumstances. https://www.amazon.com/Winning-Heart-Woman-Your-Dreams/dp/1411673360
There’s also a book about all sorts of “steps” you can take to build confidence… it’s old, it’s aimed squarely at men, but the tactics for being less shy work regardless of gender: https://www.amazon.com/Rules-Game-Neil-Strauss/dp/0061911690/