/u/everythingisforants, PM me if you're in the US and would like me to mail you, from Amazon, a copy of my favorite book about meditation. (Free, no strings attached.) :)
Edit: Wow, I didn't predict this enthusiastic of a response! I didn't list the name of the book because I wanted to offer a gift to someone, not be salesy. :)
The book is "The Mind Illuminated" by Dr. John Yates (Culadasa). There's a whole Reddit dedicated to the book at /r/TheMindIlluminated. Many of his students answer questions in the Reddit and offer assistance. Also check out /r/StreamEntry and /r/Meditation. If you're interesting in learning about the nature of suffering, the causes of suffering, and the way to end suffering, check out /r/Buddhism.
I don't think you need a book to learn how to meditate but getting good instruction is critical. Meditation is like any other skill—playing the piano?—without good instruction you have no guarantee of success. It can be the difference between sitting on the cushion for twenty years and not getting anywhere versus a decent chance of becoming enlightened withinin several years. A good teacher in person is best, but failing that a good book can be of great use... whether this one or several others. "The Progress of Insight" is also worth a read.
Edit part deux: Holy Inbox Batman!
I also just remembered that two of his students are teaching a 6-week video intro course online:
PM me if you want more details.
I have an anxious attachment style too, and initially I thought it was a bad thing. What I like about this theory is how non-judgmental it all is. Your needs are your needs. I NEED more security and validation from partners, so I NEED to look for someone who is capable of giving me that. Secures can do that, while avoidants cannot.
If this interests you at all, I HIGHLY recommend the book “Attached”
I've been reading The Power of Now, which is helping me realize how the present moment is all we have and is the only thing that can give us inner peace. I am still reading it, but the book has certainly helped me better understand this. "All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry -- all forms of fear -- are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence." (Eckhart, p. 61)
So...you're going to wait for a second slap? To whom? I bet that one will be "justified", too.
His POV is that if he's under stress, and someone (smaller and weaker than he) disrespects him, he gets to hit them. He said that to you and you are ignoring it. He used different words, but the meaning is clear.
What if it takes three years for him to haul off and belt (one of you) again? What good is all that time together then?
The lack of contrition is scary. "Working on it"...on your kids? If it were me, I'd let him 'work on it' with someone else's kids.
Change often sucks. Big, unexpected change sucks worse.
Wasted time is regretted much later. Just in case: When Things Fall Apart - Heart Advice For Difficult Times.
"Change is the only constant in life, if we could only see it." - ibid
I wish you Peace.
Oh God damn man. I'm so sorry. That is fucking tragic. I'm sorry you have to experience this op. Truly.
The girl I loved died a few years back. I wish I had good advice for you, but honestly I haven't handled it well at all so I really have no business doing that. Just want you to know you're not alone and it slowly gets a little better/easier. You're lucky you have your son. He'll help keep you together because you'll need to be. Hold him tight and cherish every moment.
Actually I do have a piece of advice. Please don't let this pain harden you. Harden your heart. Instead let it do the opposite. It might be harder in the short term but it'll save you so pain later on. Not to mention increase your capacity to love and care for your child.
Here's two books that that touch on that idea and really helped me, both by the same author, Pema Chodron, and I highly recommend them. They are both buddhist oriented books and concepts, but put forth in a very universally acceptable way. But that said, the rest of the core concepts of Buddhism itself have also helped me tremendously.
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438
The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times https://www.amazon.com/Places-That-Scare-You-Fearlessness/dp/1611805961/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1611805961&pd_rd_r=1379392c-22e4-11e9-8739-9941e184f583&pd_rd_w=MOlQB&pd_rd_wg=vHSaZ&pf_rd_p=469620d9-3e90-496d-9...
I wish you nothing but the best op. Sending love to you brother. Stay strong. You're not alone.
I don't think anyone has the answers you're looking for, predicting future outcomes of political conflicts is hopelessly hard, anyone who claims with any certainty to know how this will end up doesn't know what they're talking about. What I would suggest is to simply not worry about it, these things are virtually completely out of the control of any ordinary person, what is under your control is your life and immediate future, so focus on those. Spending your time worrying about the outcome will not bring you anything, I suggest you read up on Stoicism and (yes) practice meditation (here is a secular meditation book who goes into great details about the experiences you go through in meditation and what you need to do)
Dullness is a recognized stage in mediation practice. If you are struggling with this, I would recommend The Mind Illuminated. It is a comprehensive guide to meditation that details ten stages leading to enlightenment. Dullness can creep in once you've established a regular practice and improved your ability to sustain focused attention. I have not progressed far enough to experience dullness or to learn how dullness is overcome, but it is one of the stages he discusses.
There's 50 days worth of "daily meditations" at this point, each ~10 minutes long, plus 16 extra lessons ranging from 3.5 minutes to 29 minutes. Judging by the previous newsletters, he tends to add somewhere in the range of 1-5 new lessons or daily meditations every week.
A better bang for your buck might be a copy of The Mind Illuminated plus a free app like Insight Timer or similar.
If you're looking for a solid beginning meditation guide, The Mind Illuminated is one of the best.
There's a great book that addresses this. It's called Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. It strongly urges people to date others who have a similar level of desire for and comfort with closeness, and goes into the biological drivers for why closeness feels so life-and-death important. Failing that, it gives practical tips for how to make your relationship less anxiety-provoking if your partner is avoiding closeness. Per the book, if your partner is prone to avoiding closeness, that tendency isn't likely to change. The communication tips these trolls are sharing here are gold. I'm trying my hand for the first time at a relationship with someone who also enjoys a lot of closeness and it is the bees knees. Near zero relationship anxiety for 4 months.
Sure - he was a psychologist at Harvard and a friend of Timothy Leary - but you probably knew that already. The best way to learn more about his philosophy is to read his first book, Be Here Now. https://www.amazon.com/Be-Here-Now-Ram-Dass/dp/0517543052
This book helped me build a meditation routine that did all you mentioned and more.
The Mind Illuminated: A Complete Meditation Guide Integrating Buddhist Wisdom and Brain Science for Greater Mindfulness https://www.amazon.com/dp/1501156985/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_4qqMDb71WRQ5Y
So to recap, you were miserable --> moved 2,000 miles --> still miserable.
The problem is with you. Someone suggested counselling and that's a great idea.
See if this book resonates with you...
https://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-There-Are-Mindfulness/dp/1401307787
The secure/secure attachment pairing is rare. Most of the attachment types can do okay when there is a secure type in the mix. The anxious-preoccupied and avoidant-dismissive and the avoidant-fearful and avoidant-dismissive pairings are fraught with conflict.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love
might be interesting books to you
A book that really helped me break out of this is Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. Stick with it despite initial impressions and it has a very good chance of helping you as well.
And yes, I've been able to quit after heavy heavy use. You can PM me with ANY questions, vent sessions, whatever. Hit me up and I'll respond as soon as I can. (Should be pretty quick, but prob not immediately.)
Two things will greatly help improve your memory:
For the first, I highly recommend the book The Mind Illuminated by Culadasa (and the accompanying subreddit r/TheMindIlluminated). Practicing meditation in this way will develop extremely powerful mindfulness, allowing you to be very aware of what is happening in your experience at any given time. As a side-benefit, you also get enlightened, so that's nifty. :D
For the second, there are dozens of books on memory techniques. My favorite is The Manual. I haven't practiced it much, but to give you an idea, a basic memory trick beginners can learn is to memorize an entire deck of cards in order. These techniques are amazing for studying in school, especially for things like biology or language where there is a ton of memorization involved.
Also if you smoke a lot of marijuana, that will also not do you any favors. Reducing your consumption will help your memory a lot, as one of the effects of pot is loss of short-term memory, and what doesn't enter your short-term memory has no chance of entering your long-term memory.
There are also a number of supplements ("nootropics") that help with memory, the choline family especially (look up CDP Choline and Alpha GPC and experiment for yourself).
The Mind Illuminated: A Complete Meditation Guide Integrating Buddhist Wisdom and Brain Science for Greater Mindfulness https://www.amazon.com/dp/1501156985/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_feRpBbDWAJNBC
Every other book I’ve read on meditation pales in comparison.
Most people are too picky and self absorbed to be in a relationship. Relationships involve a lot of giving and a lot less taking than the rabidly individualist culture we have moved into. I doubt its a vancouver specific thing.
I recommend reading a book called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
which explains pretty well why people are often not compatible with eachother and yet constantly seek out these same sorts of incompatible people. Break the cycle!
> and THEN when he starts touching me, it actually feels repulsive.
HUGE. Red. Flag.
These types of issues at only 3 months into the relationship, I'd move on to someone more compatible.
You're not LL, you're just LL for him.
You're not sexually attracted to him, and the Pursuer-Distancer pattern you have going on between you is killing off any remaining desire you have for him.
You're just not compatible sexually.
You both deserve to be with someone who is HL for you.
Edit: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love can help you avoid an anxious-preoccupied partner in the future
This is dubious and was likely concocted by monastic elites to solidify their institutional control of the Buddhist religion.
Indian Vajrayana and Tibetan Buddhism have had many lay masters who broke the ten fetters while living as householders.
OP, The Mind Illuminated is a superb meditation guide that has become very popular. I recommend that you browse the /r/streamentry practice community, where there are many who have attained the first and second stages of awakening in this very life.
Yes. The thing is, it's not real anymore. It hasn't been real since it ended. It only lives now in your head.
Now is the only thing that's real.
I strongly recommend Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now.
I sure do! This book is a great resource and goes into quite a bit of detail about attachment science and how it can affect adult relationships. If I recall correctly, it also includes self-assessments (I read it a few years ago).
On a related note, I wholeheartedly and emphatically cannot recommend this book enough to anyone who is, has been, or might one day like to be in a romantic relationship. John Gottman is a researcher at the University of Washington and basically the Einstein of relationship science. His algorithm can predict whether any given couple will divorce with something like 90% certainty. Don't let the title fool you -- this book dispenses extremely helpful advice for dealing with people in close interpersonal relationships regardless of whether you're married, dating, or just good friends.
I experience this as well occasionally, but it's been a side effect of intensive meditation. I'd like to reply later in more detail, but for now you can consider checking out Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha or The Mind Illuminated for a framework on the second-by-second nature of subjective experience, and how meditation can develop and work with it. You can also check out /r/streamentry or /r/TheMindIlluminated.
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
I listened to it as an audiobook first which I actually liked a lot, since my library had the audiobook for free on the phone app. Then I bought it so I could take notes, look at the charts, and take the quizzes in the book. $9 for my used Amazon copy, $13 new
It's not only about the "avoidant" people, also has good segments on people who are more "anxious" about relationships, overthinking things, caught up in small details, wanting constant communication, etc.
Bottling emotions is often a symptom of one feeling unsafe or disallowed to express feelings and needs.
Very common side effect of childhood trauma or relationship abuse.
Truly the book I recommend the most for nearly everything is a work by the Buddhist nun Pema Chodron.
Entitled: When Things Fall Apart.
Its a short, deeply soulful read which I recommend to all my patients who are unable to move beyond a period of emotional constraint.
That’s just my small advice though.
Hope your day goes just lovely 🖤
These aren't specifically BPD books but they're the ones that have helped me the most.
When Things Fall Apart helped me embrace and value pain and suffering instead of making everything worse by constantly resenting and avoiding them.
The Power of Now taught me that I am not my mind, my opinions or my experiences, I am my consciousness, and that peace and love are always readily available in every moment. All I have to do is be present in reality instead of helplessly lost in my mind. This book explains very clearly how to practice and develop this skill.
"Attached" is great (by Levine and Heller). It's easy to understand and explains things clearly. Really interesting stuff.
I wonder how much of this is NRE and how much might also be an anxious attachment style? Are you familiar with attachment theory in adult relationships? The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment is excellent and speaks to many of these issues.
You will get through this. I promise. But it takes time. Start a journal. Continue to reach out to the gay community. Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438