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Just a note that nowadays the SNR is considered to be fight/flight/freeze. Freeze response is just as common in nature but was largely ignored by psychology researchers due to a lack of access to female test subjects, who skew toward freeze more often than fight. I can't recommend The Body Keeps the Score enough, which goes into very deep and well-researched detail regarding trauma, anxiety, depression, and the body's response to it.
I'm reading the book "Why We Sleep" and it's seriously scary how important sleep is yet how little people get, and how socially acceptable that is.
Thankfully, it's been the catalyst for me going to bed earlier and making sure to get 8 hours minimum, and I'm feeling pretty good.
I highly recommend this book, " Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers ". I gained more insights from this book than I thought it was possible to get from one book
And here's my obligatory plug for the book that's saving my life and getting me out of the FOG,
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
Cause previously I would have felt like it was my fault I couldn't get over the abusive behavior he still refuses to take responsibility or accountability for. Peace out, STBX wBPD. ✌️
It's like bait so you'll say, "no no you're not really abusing me, I didn't mean it like that, just forget I said anything" etc.
Ugh.
Obligatory plug for the book that saved my life: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
Oh jesus christ. I am so, so sorry that your mother is pulling this manipulative and abusive bullshit.
And that's exactly what it is: manipulative and abusive bullshit. I don't know if anyone's recommended you check out r/raisedbynarcissists yet, but please consider doing it. You'll find a huge community of people with parents who have Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders (among others), sharing stories and getting support for situations very much like yours. This whole "I'm going to kill myself because of you" scheme is a common one. My grandmother is Borderline, and she royally fucked my family with these kinds of threats and other abusive, manipulative behaviors.
One thing that's helped me significantly (both to understand how my grandmother's mind works, how to deal with her, and how to navigate the fuckery she's made of the family) is reading books like "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells." I've also been in therapy with someone who specializes in dealing with borderline people, even though I'm not borderline myself. I 100% advocate doing research and seeking advice from therapists about your situation.
And please know that nothing your mother does is your fault. You don't deserve this kind of treatment, and you shouldn't let her convince you that everyone would be better off without you. Because she's absolutely and completely wrong.
I'm sorry to hear that her therapy caused her flashbacks that were so bad that she had to quit. I don't know how long ago that was, but could she be convinced to try again? There are a lot of therapists now who specialize in trauma, and they have a lot of good evidence that somatic treatments like EMDR are extremely effective for PTSD and Complex PTSD.
It's only very recently that anyone has had any idea how to treat PTSD, and treatment is improving all the time. Check out The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, it's an excellent overview of how PTSD and trauma affect the body, and the various treatment options.
She definitely needs a trauma therapist, though, especially since she's already had flashbacks. They will start the treatment with helping her grow her emotional resources so that the flashbacks won't overwhelm her. The whole idea is to take it at a manageable pace so it's not terrifying. As someone dealing with Complex PTSD, I can say that trauma therapy has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and also that it's only thing that could possibly help me live my life fully.
I'm sorry to hear that her health is failing. Her life is NOT over in her 60s, she still potentially has many years left, and it must be so hard to see her in despair like this. Hugs for you if you want them. <3
I'm right there with you. I'm heartbroken and sad and feel like I've failed. I feel like I'm abandoning someone who can't take care of himself, like I'm leaving him to die.
But that's my disorder. Of course, he's an adult and was taking care of himself (somewhat anyway) before I met him. I gave up my life to try to show him a normal one, full of kindness. But he's still sad. I can't fix it him.
This book is currently saving my life, maybe it can help you too:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
I'd go ahead and start with this one, or else buy it now because you'll eventually need it:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
I would skip all of them and get
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
It saved my life, and I've been recommending it as much as I can here. Several others have agreed it has been helpful.
The more important the thing you're doing, the worse he'll act out. You're not allowed to let anything seem more important than him. You'd have been better off not telling him you had anything going on.
This book saved my life. Maybe it can help you. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
Honey, go get you a copy of
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
and start rebuilding yourself.
Sending you love. ❤️
Pretty sure it's talked about in this book, but yeah it's a thing. Young children naturally have no separation from their caregivers so they can and do fulfil the needs of the narc. When children start having their own needs they can't (and really never should have) fulfil the needs of the narc parent. But they can't be discarded so you get the weird good parent/bad parent flip.
Someone recommended this book in a post a few weeks ago and I thought it looked interesting. Perhaps a book like this will help you better understand your parents?
Amazon link to "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
I was in the same space, the fear of having another attack was causing me to have more frequent attacks.
Here is what helped me the most.
- I read this book, and still read it a few times a year just to remind me and keep me on track. Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0158S7E1G/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
- When I feel one coming, I start counting in my head from 1000 down by 3's or 4's. 997, 994 etc. This process is called grounding and helps you focus on something else.
- I also try to do a sudoku puzzle, focusing on the math or trying to figure out the numbers, keeps my mind busy.
The question is why continue asserting boundaries with people who don't respect them?
This book may be helpful. Don't be put off by the title (all due respect to anyone diagnosed with BPD/NPD). Full disclosure, I have BPD, NPD traits, and found this book excellent.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama-ebook/dp/B00B60DRKI
Also, for anyone lurking who wants to learn more about CPTSD/trauma (because I was definitely that person), I recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score. It changed my life.
Humans can be deeply flawed individuals and your mother certainly was one. That was very abusive and selfish of her to make you witness her betrayal and didn’t even have to decency to kick him out when you woke. If your little kid waking up as you’re actively having sex with a stranger doesn’t wake you from the destructive fog you’re in - I doubt anything would.
I am finally dealing with sex abuse that happened in early childhood as a 40 year old - so I know from personal experience how suppressing something nasty can rear its head much later and be quite painful. My advice is to talk it out. It was 15 years into marriage when I finally told my husband and a few friends. I had all this pressure built up inside of me that dissipated when I talked about it. Problem is that it wells up again and needs another release. I’m thinking about therapy and you probably should as well. I’ve started reading “the body keeps the score”. I’d recommend that book, as well as “the erotic mind” to someone having to look back to childhood trauma.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. You’re not alone in it. Sex abuse is something we tend to bury deep inside and hide. It’s a secret many people carry. Share with Reddit, with a trusted friend, and read. It’s not something you’ll look back on kindly ever, but getting it all out and having care and sympathy can help the memories sit better within you. I see your mom and her abhorrent behavior as an insanely selfish display of self destruction. She should have apologized, confessed to her partner, and the both of you should have done some individual therapy. I’m sorry she took the coward’s way out and tried to sweep it under the rug.
I highly recommend both his original text on cult behavior (he is the father of the BITE method many of us are familiar with, which cults use to break down their followers) and the Cult of Trump one that he wrote more recently.
Have you read The Body Keeps the Score? It is pretty much the go-to book for understanding the relationships between trauma and physical body reactions. (Sorry for the Amazon link if you are not an Amazon fan.)
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K
To be 100% honest, I have not finished it yet because it makes me cry and stop reading every 2-3 pages. But it is on the money.
I have struggled a lot with anxiety my entire life. I've tried a lot of different things at different times. One thing that was immensely helpful for me at a very stressful time was the book Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks. I recommend getting the audio version as well so you can just listen to the book (less effort than reading it when you aren't feeling well).
It's difficult to explain, but, I've used the techniques in the book to cure anxiety I had over very specific things in my life--think like, specific phobias. This was some years ago, and I actually got the information at the time from somewhere else, not from this book specifically.
Anyways, back to this book in particular: it employs the same techniques that were so very helpful for me in the past. I can't tell you how much they changed my life for the better. I don't know why, but I didn't realize that I could apply the same techniques to generalized anxiety and panic attacks, but that is what this book teaches you to do. You can really apply the techniques to any specific anxieties, or even to anxiety that you cannot pinpoint a source for.
I really hope you will consider getting the book! What have you got to lose, right?
(Also, if you do read the reviews on Amazon, a few people mention god in their reviews, but the book is not religious at all.)
If I may, someone mentioned the writer and I searched on Amazon. I'm finding this book an interesting read thus far:
To second this concept, you should read a book called "Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain" by John J. Ratney. It discusses the effects of exercise on the brain. There is a section specifically regarding depression and motivation.
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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000SFD21Q/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Start getting back into it slowly with walking some distance then brisk walking. This book is well worth reading. http://www.amazon.com/Spark-Revolutionary-Science-Exercise-Brain-ebook/dp/B000SFD21Q
Generic Costco 😁.
Not to get to far of into the weeds, but as a 30 something, I realized that my dad had some underlying force that drove his personality, even when he was older. I started to try to put together his childhood with these traits. Long story short, I could see that a number of traumatic events were the root. That intrigued me.
I have mentioned this in the past, but the Dug show is interesting to me not only on a mechanical level, but a psychological one. Dug is super fucked up. Not just a normal fucked up but a special kind of fucked up. But why? Watching and listening reveal pieces of the puzzle.
I'm reading a book now called The Body Keeps Score. It's a very interesting look at how the shit that happens to people from birth on fucks up their lives in ways they did not ever realize.
Meh, whatever. Welcome to Costco, I love you...
Give a read to Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps The Score. It may not apply directly to you, but it’s an excellent explanation of how trauma and stress derange the body’s ability to manage itself.
It is curious that the cult of woke use the exact same methods cults use to recuit members:
Combating Cult Mind Control: The Guide to Protection, Rescue and Recovery from Destructive Cults
Is there a name for this cult? Who are the leaders? This seems like something law enforcement and the media would be interested in.
I did find this: https://www.amazon.com/Combating-Cult-Mind-Control-Destructive-ebook/dp/B00V9DU340
Bessel van der Kolk's book, The Body Keeps the Score goes in depth about this. Specifically when he talks about the Polyvagal Theory.
My cardiologist also said that it's just a defect in the watch. But I find it very strange that these only occur in specific triggering situations, and that he claimed that Apple Watches are just 30% accurate, for which he didn't mention any source. He half suggested a 24 hour Holter monitor exam, which I found odd since I mentioned that these events don't occur every day.
If you like to read, Combating Cult Mind Control is a great book. It will help you sort through some of the fear responses conditioned in us when we leave.
You aren't alone.