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Hmm, especially considering he sat right next to you immediately and asked you out the day you met, it makes me wonder if he had been watching you, put his kid up to approaching you guys and "conveniently" asking to come into your house for a drink?
Trust your gut, there are a ton of red flags here. I highly recommend you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It's a great book and teaches about how to trust your instincts and deal with potentially dangerous situations. Predators take advantage of the fact it's so ingrained in women from the time we are little girls to always be polite, they know we are afraid of hurting feelings and "causing a scene" and they thrive on that hesitation. He hasn't escalated yet but it's time to cut contact and I would also invest in a doorbell or motion camera, not just for him but for general safety, especially with a little one in the house. I like your idea of having a male friend or family member on the premises when you calmly tell him this arrangement just isn't working anymore. Make sure to document everything in the event a worst case scenario happens and you have to go to police.
Good thinking! Glad you posted this. Sometimes people do this stuff without even considering the consequences.
Also, if I may, I'd like to suggest to anyone and everyone to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. Truly the most important book I've ever read and I think it should be required reading for every high school in America. It gives clear & important information about a host of situations a person (but especially a woman) may find themselves in.
You should read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. If you ever have kids, have them read it, too. His advice is t he same: Never go with them. Force them to commit to their choices right where you are.
I guess I'll be the oddball here and say that leaving a situation which makes you feel unsafe is the best, ideal reaction. Your body is telling you that you should be scared and that you should leave, always listen.
>The nation's leading expert on predicting violent behavior unlocks the puzzle of human violence and shows that, like every creature on earth, we have within us the ability to predict the harm others might do us and get out of its way. ... [the author] teaches us how to read the signs, using our most basic but often most discounted survival skill - our intuition.
Fear is a <em>gift</em>. Always listen to it.
There is a place and time to be assertive, but: if you are alone, if you are outnumbered, if the person could overpower you, if the person seems unwell or out of control, if your gut is telling you that you are in danger - then that is not the time to be assertive or to try and teach someone a lesson.
No person that is harassing you is worth your safety or your life.
My psychiatrist reccomended I read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It was certainly a helpful read.
Wow, that sounds really intense. I would look into finding a therapist or counselor who does somatic therapy (here's the first article I found about it on Google). It's impossible to know whether it will fix your back issues, but I would guess it could be really helpful for working through your childhood traumas.
Many years ago I recovered completely from repetitive stress injury after reading The Mindbody Prescription by John Sarno and going through some intense self-therapy and journaling. I found the book a bit too Freudian for my taste, but the basic concept of some pain being psychosomatic struck a cord.
She’s reading Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine. He specializes somatic healing which addresses trauma in the body. Say what you will about Kourt, but it’s pretty cool that she’s addressing her issues.
The book: https://www.amazon.com/Waking-Tiger-Healing-Peter-Levine/dp/155643233X
i'm the worst for tl;dr's and it's been awhile since i read it anyway so i'd be wary to try to summarize haha, but the book is The Gift of Fear, i think it's like ~~$10~~ $6.39, apparently! as an ebook on amazon, though i'm sure it can be found easily on libgen for free as well. Gavin de Becker is a security consultant, came up with the protocol to evaluate threats to Supreme Court Justices and whatnot, so figuring out who's actually dangerous and how to de-escalate a situation is really his Thing. book was very interesting IMO and worth reading :) the stuff about firing a potentially dangerous person is towards the end of the book as far as i remember.
For anyone who is hesitant on this talk of trusting your 'feeling' about events going on, give the book 'The Gift of Fear' a look.
Opinions and feelings aren't all you go on in events like this, but they are a starting point to get to the actual facts and are often reliable.
Gavin de Becker. Highly recommended.
He makes the important point and fine distinction which many people miss in these conversations; our feelings aren't evidence or proof, but we should trust our instincts where violence is a possibility.
I liked the narrative imagery, the picture painted of women as wolves: excluded from the eco(nomic) system, but at the same time just what the system needs.
Also, I think everyone struggles with the same issue at some point or other: Do I take what's on the table, or do I demand more?
For those who find themselves wanting more woman-wolf archetype stories, I recommend Women Who Run with the Wolves.
> So my question is, how do you safely leave an abuser? We thought she did everything right. And she still lost her life.
Not OP, but there is a book that answers this question that I found life changing. If you're interested in this subject, the book is called The Gift of Fear (non-affiliate Amazon link) and is written by Gavin deBecker, a survivor of childhood DV who now specializes in protective services.
His take on it is that the very best protective tool we all have is our own gut, how ignoring it has been trained out of adults (especially women), and how to get it back and use it to protect yourself.
He addresses your specific question at length and in great depth as well -- WHY leaving an abuser is the most dangerous part of DV -- and what can be done from all angles (personal, practical, financial, etc) to minimize that danger. The problem is that people who are trying to leave DV, especially without outside help, often don't recognize the point of leaving as being as dangerous as it truly is.
Whether you're a guy or a girl, this book may well change your life -- it did mine -- and cause you to look at these situations in a whole new way. I can't recommend it enough.
Listen to yourself when something feels wrong. He escalated too fast and you picked up on the fact that it was not a good idea.
I also recommend getting a copy of The Gift of Fear - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776
You sound like you're coping with a lot of anxiety and, glancing at your previous posts, that you're a teenager. Anxiety can cause and worsen sleep disturbances like nightmares, but at the same time, it's important to remember that our brain uses sleep and dreams to work through problems, sometimes before we're consciously aware of them.
Being a woman is scary, but a life lived in fear is a life half-lived. There are precautions you can take, skills you can learn, and relationships you can nurture that lower your chances of being a victim of violence. There's no such thing as 'no risk,' but there is a good shot at ' low risk'.
One thing I recommend to anyone concerned with personal safety is the book The Gift Of Fear by Gavin DeBoeker. It really helped me understand how to keep myself safe, not just in the "grabbed by a stranger on my front porch" situations (which are far more rare than domestic violence) but in relationships of all kinds.
Good on you for being aware and reaching out. Those are survivor skills, and they will help you every day of your life.
The Gift of Fear - Really good book on how you need to listen to your intuition in order to survive. When something "feels" wrong, like when you're out jogging and a car you don't recognize drives slowly past you with some George Floyd looking guy inside, get yourself out of there. Honestly, just paying attention to their surroundings is something people dont do nearly enough.
https://www.amazon.com/Mindbody-Prescription-Healing-Body-Pain/dp/0446675156
Hey, I've struggled with chronic pain this past year which I finally resolved by reading the book linked above. Sometimes chronic pain conditions can have a source rooted in emotion, not your physiological structure. It wouldn't hurt to look into!
Hope you find your path - you got this!
Above all else, trust your instincts!!
Even when you can't quite put your finger on what it is that is freaking you out, oftentimes it is your subconscious survival instinct trying to tell you that something is not right. For the sake of your safety, listen to that voice!
That is basically the central thesis of this great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Definitely check it out if/when you have a minute.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hate that the people around you are making you feel like you're crazy. Please know that you are not overreacting. You can't be too careful when it comes to protecting yourself. Good luck to you, I hope you stay safe!
1- Keep detailed records of all interactions. Everything. Calls, texts, emails, letters, suspicious activities, complaints to police... all of it.
2- Get The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker and read it. Twice.
3- Take appropriate measures to hide all your info.
4- Buy a gun. Take professional training classes.
​
I wish you well
Block him. Immediately and permanently. Tell your friends that you believe he is a threat to you, and you need them to protect you by refusing to speak to him about you, offer him any way to communicate to you, or give him any information about you.
Choking another person is one of the biggest red flags in domestic violence that the choker is a potential murderer of the person he is abusing. He is not your friend. He is a psychologically damaged, physically dangerous threat, and you need to behave like he is.
Tell his abusive parents. Tell his sweet sister. Do not keep this private. Keeping this private allows him to pretend that he's still got a chance, and he will continue to stalk you. Notify the police and ask that they do a wellness check on him. Hire a lawyer to send him a letter to leave you the fuck alone, and if necessary, send the lawyer to court to get a restraining order. Do NOT talk yourself out of this. You are the only person in this whole thing who can make sure that you remain safe. You are not responsible for his health or happiness, and him trying to manipulate you into believing that you are is a complete deal breaker.
Finally, go get a copy of Gavin de Boecker's The Gift of Fear. It will help you understand what you're up against and how to keep yourself safe.
The Gift of Fear explains how and why to overcome the societal pressure to be nice to creeps and how to avoid/get out of dangerous situations.
You need to read it first and teach her age appropriate information. It's written for adults and is probably too much in pure form for a young teen.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_8T3R58FNFM854BKSK1WQ
Read Gavin de Becker, "The Gift of Fear".
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Trust your instincts and go read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker...
This book should be required reading for everyone but especially young women.
What the what. She cursed your unborn baby and stole its scan?
This is not "am I the asshole" territory. This is "read Gavin December's The Gift of Fear and get a restraining order" territory.
Honestly? Ignore them. I don't mean the specific emails, I mean the individual in all the forms they try to harass you. Your best case is that they keep using one specific account because you can use mail rules to file the messages directly to the trash (or a folder of your choice, marked as read, in case you ever need evidence).
If you want to try and make them move along to another mailbox or another service immediately, you can contact with the full message (raw body and headers -- Mention what mail client or service you're using and I or someone will help you get the needed info).
I say "make them move along..." because the reality is that it takes less time and energy for them to set up a new account than it takes you to try and get it shut down, and they know they still have your attention the whole time as their accounts keep getting shut down, so they're motivated to keep going and you're stuck in a cycle of unintentionally feeding them reasons to harass you further.
I would highly recommend reading The Gift of Fear as it goes into various real-world cases of stalking, discusses motivations, and how to get them to go away.
I've lived way "worse" places and to be honest I am past the age when I am out much alone walking around at night.
That being said, any area can be dangerous for a woman walking alone. That's just the reality of life. I never let it stop me from doing what I wanted to do when I was younger. As someone else said, situational awareness is key. Leave your headphones out. Look around in all directions regularly. Listen to your instincts.
Also - every young woman (and man for that matter) - should read "The Gift of Fear" which teaches us to listen to our own 6th sense about danger.
Hello! I'm older than you, but this is something I've been going through in the past few months, i.e. I've been trying to be "softer" and show more vulnerability. I know it doesn't sound like much, but for me the most helpful things (in the sense that they set some things in motion) were a group of women I've met in a femininity retreat (go figure!), that triggered in me a more compassionate and thoughtful (even spiritual) approach to everyday life and the way I've been dressing (all my life I've preferred pants/jeans and sneakers and this summer I've been wearing a lot of dresses with sneakers).
As regards the points that you've raised:
- I personally don't think that emotional intensity is something to be avoided, but embraced. What I try to do (many times, unsuccessfully) is trying to acknowledge/observe it and keep it under control by accepting it. This book was really helpful;
- at my workplace, I try to listen more to what my colleagues have to say (i.e. I'm trying to be less dismissive towards their opinions and behaviours) and I try to be more of a facilitator (when conflicts arise and spirits get heated).
If you are feeling uneasy about it it means that you picked up something wrong subconsciously.
Let him come to you. Meeting a stranger in a city you are not familiar with (and who is one of those 50 shades inspired dominant) is not a good idea.
I recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin De becker.