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Best of luck with your recovery and with becoming a non smoker. Can I offer two suggestions?
- Get "Alen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking"
- Subscribe to r/stopsmoking
I started smoking at 14. I smoked 10-15 cigarettes a day. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
About 5 years ago I get this weird pain. Started in my jaw and moved to my chest. I thought it was a heart attack... but it passed after about 3 minutes. I look it up online, and it said that the pain was most probably 'stress induced', but tobacco was definitely a factor. 6 months later it happens again. Then again. I had heard about Allen Carr. I downloaded the book. It stayed there, unread, until that weird pain happened for the fourth time. I started reading the next day.
I was 'relieved' that the first instruction in the book is keep smoking until you're done. I took a while to read this small book, ironically because I only read it while smoking. Halfway through the book, smoking started to be a chore. Something that I HAD to do, not something that I enjoyed doing. I made it a point to only read while smoking to make that lesson stick.
The last day I smoked I smoked 4 cigarettes. They all tasted like shit. It felt so satisfying to read that last page, smoke that last cigarette (only half of it) and throw it away with my lighter.
I got cravings, sure. But the book teaches you how to deal with them, how to play the mental game of quitting.
BTW, I quit 1,251 days ago. I have not had that weird pain since I quit smoking.
> MIL and FIL share an email address, a cell phone, and even go to the bathroom together.
HURK. That ~~sorta~~ defines enmeshment.
DH needs to read and re-read When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
You and LO are more important than DH's mother. Sadly, he doesn't behave like it, even if he pays lip service.
His mother has done a number on him with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She is a master gaslighter / manipulator. I'll guess that she's been doing it her entire adult life (and likely back into childhood); she's extremely competent - and that's sad.
Will it's not DH's fault, it's his adult responsibility - to himself, you and LO - to overcome the programming she's instilled in him. Reading, pondering and re-reading these two books, doing the exercises they contain and letting them illuminate his circumstances could be helpful.
Not affiliated with this or have anything to do with this - but it is a fucking mind changer. If you can smoke after reading that book, you are inhuman. The book even dares you to keep smoking while you read it.
>... she seems to view DH as a replacement husband she can rely on emotionally and financially, as opposed to her being a mother DH can rely on...
It's not 'seems to.' She does.
He IS NOT HER HUSBAND. He IS yours, and the father of y'all's children.
But he's bought into the lie. Unknowingly. Therapy / counseling is strongly recommended. For him, not you. Joint therapy may be beneficial, but he's the one with the busted normal meter. Sounds like yours has passed an extended stress test with flying colors.
MIL is a somewhat textbook example of dysfunctionality rather than a unicorn. IOW, she's pretty typical of a boundary-stomping Jocasta who has treated her offspring as her spouse. She's almost certainly incapable of sustaining a relationship with a male her own age. Your husband doesn't suffer from the same afflicition, only the programmed misperception that he's responsible for his mother and her happiness. He is not.
If your husband is currently unwilling to consider counseling, he needs to read and re-read these two books: When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
I wish both of you the very best and hope that he's able to overcome the parentally-installed buttons of Fear, Obligation and Guilt and become the strong and worthy man he, you and your children deserve.
His mother has attempted to make him her emotional spouse and to usurp his adult life. She's unworthy of his time and attention.
OP, pls have DH read mellow-drama's post.
He's made a first step and needs to continue. Two books he might find useful: When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
For everyone's sake I pray he does.
She trained him to be Her Obedient Son^^tm
But he's not ten years old anymore. He's an adult with a mate, a life partner. Who his carrying HIS CHILD. His mother has cast Fear, Obligation and Doubt (FOG) about him.
You're the lighthouse. He has ALREADY chosen. You gave yourself to him - physically and emotionally. You have entrusted him with being your Partner and the father of your children. You have given him the most precious gift one human can give another: YOURSELF. That doesn't obligate him - it provides him challenge and opportunity. To be a fucking adult.
His mother hasn't and can't - it's profoundly not her role, nor his to divide his loyalty between mom and wife. Yeah, he wants to avoid his mom going off - she's a Pain in the Ass - but an adult doesn't reward that by giving into it. They impose consequences for ~~making demands~~ attempting to interfere in his his adult life.
He's got to man the fuck up or forever pay the price. He doesn't want to be in the middle - STOP BEING THERE. The ice floes are drifting apart - it's a normal part of life! He needs to live on the one he stood up in public and vowed to share the rest of his life on.
Cause HIS MOTHER is trying to make him choose her. He's already chosen you.
He ~~might~~ will benefit from reading and re-reading When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
You're welcome to share this post - the perspective on an older man, with adult offspring - with him if you want. Or not. Regardless, know in your heart that it's Reality.
Getting Things Done (GTD) is a classic for a reason. When I've implemented it I had the "mind like water" that the author puts as a goal. The other thing I love about it is that it allows for bottom up organization. You can just dive in and use it to better your life immediately. Lots of books want you to sit down and plan you perfect life before you can use the system. This doesn't do that and that's great.
How to win friends and influence people is another classic. I've been impressed with the people who took dale carnegie courses and the book has some good stuff in it, though I haven't re-read it recently so I'm not sure how actionable it is.
The Tools is a great book. It isn't for everyone and every part isn't for everyone. But it gives 5 actionable brief mental exercises that do what they purport to do. Each exercise or Tool is designed to counter a specific problem many people have. The authors are therapists and the Tools come from their practices. Many of them are very woo sounding, but if its stupid and it works then it ain't stupid. Every Tool I've used has worked, often shockingly well. But I haven't used them all because they don't all apply to me.
Have you read Allen Carr's book yet? It will help you realize that smoking does nothing to help your stress, and actually makes it worse. All of the "stop smoking aids" in the world won't do anything for you as long as you think there is something to be gained by having a cigarette. Once you realize there is nothing to gain from smoking it gets a lot easier.
Apparently DH didn't say "No you're not. We won't be visiting. You won't be coming to our house for a month. You won't be coming to our house at all unless you show us that you get that WE'RE the parents; you're optional. Right now you're attempting to Take Over; it's not happening."
The opportunity isn't lost. He can call her up and say "I didn't make myself clear recently so I'll do so now. [insert above paragraph]" When she reacts negatively he can say "You prove my point." [Click]
If he needs help shining his spine, these are a good place to start: When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
MIL means good only on the surface.
Her behavior is that of a very anxious person - which you haven't caused. Misses social cues, talking over, being told to stop (more than once is a pattern), doesn't listen, wanting others: DH, you, anybody to assuage her anxiety and loneliness. She seems fairly dysfunctional.
That you're proud is GOOD. Anything but a superficial relationship is practically impossible. Setting yourself on fire to ~~keep her warm~~ try to make her feel better isn't required by any social convention.
You can't fill a bucket which has the bottom corroded out. Attempts will leave you with little emotional energy for yourself and other people in your life.
You have to be firm, not mean. She'll usurp your time and energy only if you let her. Other posters have made good suggestions. I'd try a modified broken record technique: "[FirstName], you're not listening - that doesn't work for me." Regardless of what else she says repeat "That doesn't work for me."
Avoid JADE-ing (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). You've experienced what happens when you give her a reason: She digs in. ;~/
She may get upset. Remember, you have no control over the emotions of others - only how you respond to them and - to a degree - your own feelings. Even if growing up you were taught to or made to feel responsible for others' emotions, you're not.
MIL needs therapy with a qualified professional. Suggesting that is unlikely to cause her to go; she would likely be pissed off. You'll probably have to accept a superficial relationship.
You might find value in When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith. I'm sorry for your MIL's discomfort and attempts to share the burden with you.
As other posters have said, it's a process.
I hope he doesn't (didn't?) roll over & show his belly. He needs to feel the truth in his gut - he's an adult male. He's not a ten-year-old (pre-pubescent) boy. He just graduated from medical school & even with residency & specialization to go, he's DOCTOR Adult.
I recommend two books: When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
FDH (Dr. FDH) should do the exercises in the books & follow through. The third, fourth or fifth time he reads them, these two books will still provide ' A-Ha!' moments.
His mother's infantilization is fucking AWFUL for him as a human being. It can be overcome; he can grow into the full adult he deserves to be and that a decent parent would want him to be.
FMIL will find it traumatic. Her entire being is wrapped up in being his mommy even though he stopped needing that long ago. She may have a psychotic break. She certainly will shit bricks and attempt to keep him from breaking away from her. A normal relationship with her is highly unlikely - whatever's going on with her, she wouldn't have done this to him unless there's something very wrong with her.
Be prepared - she's not gonna give up her domination willingly and YOU, of course, are the Instigator (in her eyes). His growing into his full capabilities as an adult human has nothing to do with it. /s
Encourage him toward healthy maleness. A strong adult is gentle, because he or she knows their strength and is sure of it and themselves. Bravado is un-necessary.
These are links to AmazonUS. Pls search on your Amazon. DH is a textbook case for both. When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
I've never read this book, but sometimes I think I should (Amazon non-referral normal link)
no, no, /u/MattDemers really did mean "War of Art"! The title's obviously a play on Sun Tzu's work, but War of Art has to do with overcoming internal creative hurdles and the like. Here's the link to the Amazon page.
I haven't read it myself yet, but I saw it on a suggestion thread on a different subreddit a while back so it made its way onto my "look into" list.
Write. Write the first sentence. Then the next. Then the next. Do the work.
What other distractions do you have? How much time do you spend on Reddit, Youtube, etc?
Check out Steven Pressfield's The War of Art. It's about trying to break what he calls Resistance, which is everything that keeps you from doing your creative endeavors. Work, homelife, keeping house, etc. Everything little thing that creeps into your brain and keeps you from the 'ass in chair' that you need to get down to work.
What Pressfield ultimately said that resonated with me is the idea of Turning Pro.
A Professional shows up every day and does the work to the best of their ability in the time that they have available. Think about your day job. Do you ever get "day job block" or even if you're feeling like shit, do you still show up, put your head down, and do the work because it needs to get done?
Turn Pro and do the work.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B019MMUA8S/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
recommend reading this
> ITS LIKE IM BLOCKING
You're not alone. I know it feels like it, but I promise, you are not, there's a ton of us who understand. A fellow creative friend of mine and I have discussed and researched this phenomenon for years.
As to how to overcome it, it's personal, because the root of the issue is almost always personal, but there are common denominators and a couple of go-to sources for me when I find myself struggling with it, are:
(1) This article which was a fucking wake-up call to me:
https://iheartintelligence.com/discipline-beats-motivation/
(2) And this book, which brilliantly identifies the "IT'S LIKE I'M BLOCKING" problem and provide some damn smart ways to fight it (yes the book is about "creative" processes, but honestly it can be applied to anything):
https://www.amazon.com/War-Art-Steven-Pressfield-ebook/dp/B007A4SDCG/
This book has helped me so much, I'd send you the $10 to buy it if I could. Try a local library, they almost certainly have a copy.
My missus gets stressed af and loses the plot every time she has an interview, and as a result she's been at the same level for about 10 years. However, she's been encouraged to apply for a number of roles 2 levels above hers, not only by her direct supervisor but by the director as well, AND the fact that there are some real wankers in the department that will apply as well (and probably get in), so she's thinking that she pretty much HAS to apply otherwise she'll be pissed off at the wankers being above her.
So she's starting to freak out about the potential interview. I'm very tempted to get her this book for xmas.
>I would appreciate your thoughts on how to balance acknowledging where you need to grow, and also practicing some dread and STFU without just acting butthurt or emotional yourself.
​
You've received some great advice here already, so I only have 2 things to add.
​
First, it's a matter of priorities. You sound like a very busy guy, so it's simply a matter of rearranging your to-do list (like you already mentioned you did, with some success) to make sure this is taken care of. Not that you're doing it to make her happy, but because it's an important part of your mission, she's reminding you, and it will eliminate conflict in this area which is a win for you. Get a win under your belt here.
​
Second, have you read WISNIFG yet? Techniques like Fogging and Negative Inquiry would be helpful tools for the verbal sparring you are having to engage in, and can be very useful for defusing these kinds of situations.
Get therapy, stat. With an attitude like this you are one of nature's victims and will most likely end up in a horribly abusive relationship because you just can't bear to hurt anyone's feelings by saying "no."
http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22
http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
HR is not there to help you. HR is there to protect the company. Talking to HR might get you fired.
Start applying to jobs. Setup a LinkedIn profile. Add friends from current job on LinkedIn.
There's a book called the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***. You should read it or listen to the audio book.
Discipline is doing what you should do even when you don't feel like it. That's why it's so much better than motivation, which is fleeting. Unfortunately this applies to our hobbies and creative pursuits too. There a book about this in fact, called The War of Art. It's a short read and I recommend it, but the tldr is that you just have to show up even when you don't feel like it.
https://www.amazon.com/War-Art-Steven-Pressfield-ebook/dp/B007A4SDCG
Did you really just use "turbo cringe" in a sentence? Man, I wish I had your confidence. I'm guessing you're a fan of this
Igen, mondjuk én szorongó gyerek is voltam, kb. 6 éves koromtól kezdve. Azóta kb. folyamatos a szociális szorongásom, nehezen viselem az új helyzeteket, nehezen ismerkedem új emberekkel. A 10-14 éves korom közti időszak jó szar volt, akkor kaptam egy jó kis bullyingot is mellé, hogy a pubertás ne legyen elég. 20-23 évesen meg depressziós voltam, végigjártam a szorongásnak kb. minden formáját: túlzott maximalizmus miatti önértékelési problémák, imposztor szindróma, szociális elszigeteltség érzése, apátia, szuicid gondolatok... Várom, mi lesz, ha betöltöm a harmincat, mert mintha kezdene egy mintázat kirajzolódni :D
Nekem a mindfulness meditáció sokat segített, illetve az a gondolkodásmód, hogy elfogadással és megértéssel fordulok magam felé. Van egy könyv, ami szerintem jót tehet, bár elég ponyva: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
Het is wel engels maar ik heb dit boek eerder gelezen en heb ook de kindle versie gekocht om erna te luisteren in het vliegtuig. Echt een aanrader.
Back with some more input for you and anyone watching.
Learn and practice Stoicism. It will change your life.
Also buy, sit down, and READ The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
Should be required reading for all men.
Reading this book
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S
Not even kidding, it changed my life, it teaches you to love yourself and to say fuck everyone else WITHOUT stepping on others or hurting anyone.
Read it. Know it. Live it.
I used to smoke 1-2 packs a day. Read this book and never smoked again. It works for dip too. If you read it and you're still dipping, read it again. Keep reading. Eventually it will click and you'll never dip again.