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Good thinking! Glad you posted this. Sometimes people do this stuff without even considering the consequences.
Also, if I may, I'd like to suggest to anyone and everyone to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. Truly the most important book I've ever read and I think it should be required reading for every high school in America. It gives clear & important information about a host of situations a person (but especially a woman) may find themselves in.
I guess I'll be the oddball here and say that leaving a situation which makes you feel unsafe is the best, ideal reaction. Your body is telling you that you should be scared and that you should leave, always listen.
>The nation's leading expert on predicting violent behavior unlocks the puzzle of human violence and shows that, like every creature on earth, we have within us the ability to predict the harm others might do us and get out of its way. ... [the author] teaches us how to read the signs, using our most basic but often most discounted survival skill - our intuition.
Fear is a <em>gift</em>. Always listen to it.
There is a place and time to be assertive, but: if you are alone, if you are outnumbered, if the person could overpower you, if the person seems unwell or out of control, if your gut is telling you that you are in danger - then that is not the time to be assertive or to try and teach someone a lesson.
No person that is harassing you is worth your safety or your life.
My psychiatrist reccomended I read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It was certainly a helpful read.
First OP I've really loved in a while, I also don't have a lot of friends but I do have a lot of death anxiety! It really kicked in during the pandemic, as a lot of people's did. Wellbutrin was life-changing for my intrusive death thoughts, as was this book by Greg Taylor. https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Worrying-There-Probably-Afterlife-ebook/dp/B00GBLRNTS Everyone is welcome to their own interpretations of death, but this calmed me. Good luck OP!
i'm the worst for tl;dr's and it's been awhile since i read it anyway so i'd be wary to try to summarize haha, but the book is The Gift of Fear, i think it's like ~~$10~~ $6.39, apparently! as an ebook on amazon, though i'm sure it can be found easily on libgen for free as well. Gavin de Becker is a security consultant, came up with the protocol to evaluate threats to Supreme Court Justices and whatnot, so figuring out who's actually dangerous and how to de-escalate a situation is really his Thing. book was very interesting IMO and worth reading :) the stuff about firing a potentially dangerous person is towards the end of the book as far as i remember.
For anyone who is hesitant on this talk of trusting your 'feeling' about events going on, give the book 'The Gift of Fear' a look.
Opinions and feelings aren't all you go on in events like this, but they are a starting point to get to the actual facts and are often reliable.
There's entire books written on how to take psychedelics responsibly to maximize the benefit. People shouldn't expect to just take psychedelics and conquer their anxiety without knowing what they're doing. It takes a bit of knowledge about how to navigate your own consciousness to "transcend" the anxiety and attain a state of complete inner peace. Basically lay down with calming music, eye shades preferred, look within your mind. Accept and surrender to everything you experience: even to the point where you think you're dying and you just let it happen. It sounds scary, but when you come out the other end of that, you feel fantastic because you conquered life's greatest fear. Anxiety is normally gone for the rest of the trip at that point. Many people experience jaw tightness while on a psychedelic, but that goes away too along with the anxiety.
There's other pitfalls you have to watch out for too. A main one is that you shouldn't put any expectations on the experience. Just be fine with whatever is happening in your mind and let it all happen on its own.
Reading The Psychedelic Explorer's Guide is what helped me go from having anxious trips to beautiful spiritual experiences:
https://www.amazon.com/Psychedelic-Explorers-Guide-Therapeutic-Journeys-ebook/dp/B0051OHLVG
These are many of the same things that therapists conducting studies into psychedelics have their patients do. It's really decades of illegal personal experience that has determined the more effective ways to take psychedelics, not the recent scientific studies. The studies are just trying to prove the efficacy.
Gavin de Becker. Highly recommended.
He makes the important point and fine distinction which many people miss in these conversations; our feelings aren't evidence or proof, but we should trust our instincts where violence is a possibility.
> So my question is, how do you safely leave an abuser? We thought she did everything right. And she still lost her life.
Not OP, but there is a book that answers this question that I found life changing. If you're interested in this subject, the book is called The Gift of Fear (non-affiliate Amazon link) and is written by Gavin deBecker, a survivor of childhood DV who now specializes in protective services.
His take on it is that the very best protective tool we all have is our own gut, how ignoring it has been trained out of adults (especially women), and how to get it back and use it to protect yourself.
He addresses your specific question at length and in great depth as well -- WHY leaving an abuser is the most dangerous part of DV -- and what can be done from all angles (personal, practical, financial, etc) to minimize that danger. The problem is that people who are trying to leave DV, especially without outside help, often don't recognize the point of leaving as being as dangerous as it truly is.
Whether you're a guy or a girl, this book may well change your life -- it did mine -- and cause you to look at these situations in a whole new way. I can't recommend it enough.
> I start feeling warm and energized and just totally present. That’s when I can really “take in” the effects of meditation I guess. That’s where I experience bright colors, and “psychedelic” experiences, and all that fun stuff.
I don't know what tradition you are following, but in some traditions what you are describing sounds somewhat like one of the dullness traps. As described in The Mind Illuminated:
> The Seduction of Dullness > > Strong dullness can be a seductive trap. States of dullness lead to dream imagery, archetypal visions, pleasurable sensations, paranormal experiences like channeling, past-life recollections, and the overall feeling that something profound is occurring. If you anchor attention on the breath, you can sustain them for a long time without falling asleep. In certain traditions, these states are purposely cultivated. However, when it comes to cultivating attention and awareness, these states are only a hindrance. Remember that visionary experiences, brilliant insights, and any other seemingly profound encounters should all be avoided at this Stage [Stage Four, when you are free from both gross distractions and strong dullness. Dullness no longer leads to drowsiness, nor causes perception of the breath sensations to grow dim or take on hypnagogic distortions]
If those sorts of states are what you want, cool. Just be aware that dullness should be avoided if your intention is to strengthen awareness and keep the overall energy level of the mind high.
There’s a series of books by Michael Newton, where the author purportedly regresses subjects through hypnotherapy back to previous lives, and in the process is able to have the subject recall memories between lives. Some of the stories recall being in soul groups, with souls represented as orbs of light of different colors.
The debate on the reliability of this kind of hypnotherapy is justifiably lively—are the memories implanted by the therapist? But, it’s interesting material nonetheless.
Above all else, trust your instincts!!
Even when you can't quite put your finger on what it is that is freaking you out, oftentimes it is your subconscious survival instinct trying to tell you that something is not right. For the sake of your safety, listen to that voice!
That is basically the central thesis of this great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Definitely check it out if/when you have a minute.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hate that the people around you are making you feel like you're crazy. Please know that you are not overreacting. You can't be too careful when it comes to protecting yourself. Good luck to you, I hope you stay safe!
Why don't you just buy the book? It's like $16. Here, let me Amazon it for you.
The book will change your life. If you can't find $16 for the book - you likely wouldn't have the dedication to follow through anyway so you shouldn't bother getting it at all.
1- Keep detailed records of all interactions. Everything. Calls, texts, emails, letters, suspicious activities, complaints to police... all of it.
2- Get The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker and read it. Twice.
3- Take appropriate measures to hide all your info.
4- Buy a gun. Take professional training classes.
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I wish you well
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I have been dealing with depression for decades and have never had a year as bad as this one. Mindfulness has helped with getting away from the negative / repetitive thoughts:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005NJ2T1G/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_30y9Fb64JBDG9
And this one helped me get out of my head and focus on small changes:
I hope this helps. Sending you good thoughts and hopes for a better year.
I just finished this book, https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Illuminated-Meditation-Integrating-Mindfulness-ebook/dp/B01INMZKAQ
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I strongly recommend it!
First thing: your thoughts are not you
Part of your mind got addicted and is now yelling at you for not giving the daily dose
Maybe try meditation to calm the mind, I especially recommend the 8 week mindfulness course. It teaches you how to observe, acknowledge and ignore the thoughts (also the screaming ones). They won't go away instantly but you will lessen their control over you. Remember: A smooth sea never made a skilful sailor
Read Gavin de Becker, "The Gift of Fear".
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
A course of mindful meditation. I don't mean just the meditation itself, but actually a proper course to try to instil the fundamental concepts of breaking ties and living in the now. If you have no other resources, this book is a good start.
The Path: Psychomancy by Astora Diam teaches basic magick techniques from the perspective of the psychological model. I think it's good to be familiar with as many different models of reality and magick as possible, and the psychological model/psychomancy is a pretty distinctive model. https://www.amazon.com/Path-Psychomancy-Astora-Diam-ebook/dp/B08F2YD1GM
https://www.amazon.com/Path-Psychomancy-Astora-Diam-ebook/dp/B08F2YD1GM The Path: Psychomancy talks a bit about what you're talking about. You might find the techniques laid out in this book interesting.
https://www.amazon.com/Path-Psychomancy-Astora-Diam-ebook/dp/B08F2YD1GM The Path: Psychomancy by Astora Diam is EXACTLY what you are interested in. She lays out a bunch of spiritual techniques from the perspective that magick is just psychology and creativity.
https://www.amazon.com/Path-Psychomancy-Astora-Diam-ebook/dp/B08F2YD1GM The Path: Psychomancy. It's super cheap (3.99,) goes over a bunch of beginner stuff that's super important, and yeah it's great.
The Akashic Records are a metaphor for your memory. They are a metaphor for extracting things from your memory that you might have forgotten or using your memory to create/model new information.
https://www.amazon.com/Path-Psychomancy-Astora-Diam-ebook/dp/B08F2YD1GM The Path: Psychomancy will teach you all you need to know about astral projection.
https://www.amazon.com/Path-Psychomancy-Astora-Diam-ebook/dp/B08F2YD1GM The Path: Psychomancy by Astora Diam goes into different was of looking at and practicing summoning procedures. I recommend that.
The Path: Psychomancy ($3.99 for the ebook) by Astora Diam is pretty good for this! It endorses the psychological model of spirituality (all things spiritual are psychology.) Still, even if you believe in a spiritual model of reality, you can easily apply the techniques she lays out with a spiritual belief. She covers a wide range of things from astral projection, ritual procedure, evocation, meditation, energy work, creating godforms, and a bunch of other things like that.
https://www.amazon.com/Path-Psychomancy-Astora-Diam-ebook/dp/B08F2YD1GM
https://www.amazon.com/Path-Psychomancy-Astora-Diam-ebook/dp/B08F2YD1GM
Astora Diam's The Path: Psychomancy covers a lot of topics from the psychological model, including past lives and astral projection. :)
Your results may vary, but if you can get hold of it, one book that really helped me with my temper was The Art of Happiness, by Howard Cutler and the Dalai Lama. You can sort of reprogram your mind to be grateful for the adversities you encounter in life, because they give you a chance to grow.
Consider the idea that you have both attention and awareness and they can both be active while you meditate. Your attention can be on the breath while maintaining peripheral awareness. Think of it like talking with a friend in a coffee shop or cocktail party. You can focus on them but you are still aware of the sounds, sights, and smells around you.
If you are sitting in meditation and you get distracted/shocked by a sound, it means your peripheral awareness was low and the sound pulled your attention. Most teachers will probably tell you to not use earplugs because developing awareness is a step in developing strong mindfulness. And, this helps you develop equanimity towards your present situation.
FWIW, QuietMind is built off the ideas presented in The Mind Illuminated- a pretty incredible manual on meditation I would highly recommend and can help you answer these types of questions.
I do the same thing. It helps me a ton at my job, but I have to actively do something to switch it off when I am not working. Exercise helps a lot, especially when I take n-actetyl selank before (slows endorphin degradation). Overall, it can be quite the cognitive hurdle.
When I was reading this wonderful book, I saw a few exercises on habit releasing, and am tempted to try them to see how it helps.