The best Parent & Adult Child Relationships eBooks: Reddit reviews

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I know that feeling.

She’s one of those passive-aggressive “death by a thousand cuts” MILs. Men don’t usually pick up on this kind of catty behavior. But it hurts his wife and wears her down, and then if wife complains to husband, husband confronts MIL, she lies and/or blows a gasket. Then wife gets pressured to make amends and keep the peace because faaaamily and “that’s just how MIL is.”

Take a look at Dr Susan Forward’s book Toxic In-laws, Loving strategies for protecting your marriage. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003WJRE4Q

A good update!

>I was a bit disheartened by the behaviour of two of the kids. I can be sympathetic, as they’ve been dealing with the hoarding for much longer than the spouses have. The guys would make jokes about an expiration date, and make other insensitive comments, IMO.

So this is one of the toughest parts of dealing with a hoarding parent.

The children of hoarders (CoH), as you say, have been dealing with the hoarding for a long time Chances are good that they have some frustration and even anger about it towards the parent's hoarding. When confronting the hoard itself, they'll probably express it.

The hoarding parent, on the other hand, has a great deal of shame and embarrassment about their hoarding. Hearing their children express their thoughts, even jokingly, about the hoard is deeply hurtful to the hoarding parent and can result in set-backs.

So you're left with a conundrum:

• The children of hoarders, who need to express their feelings
• The hoarding parents, who aren't ready to process those expressions and who can suffer serious setbacks

I suggest you get your hands on a copy of Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, and Improve Your Relationship by Dr. Fugen Neziroglu. The book explores strategies for communicating with hoarder parents, and outlines practical intervention skills. It also helps the CoH process their own feelings about the hoarding.

So here's the problem with negotiating with hoarders:

You can't reason someone out of a position that he didn't reason himself into.

Hoarders don't hoard because of logical reasons. Hoarding in and of itself is a fundamentally illogical. Collectible items and things with monetary value have to be stored in ways to preserve their value and they have to be insured. Hoarders don't do any of that.

Hoarders hoard because of emotional reasons. They justify their hoarding behaviors with what they perceive to be logical reasons ("It's valuable", "I might need that someday", "I'm going to use it for a project", "I'm going to sell it", etc.), but their logical doesn't bear out because they don't do any of the other things their logic would demand they do.

What researchers have found is that many hoarders acquire and keep things as a coping mechanism for extremely intense emotional pain. That pain can result from anxiety disorder, PTSD, depression, and more.

Before you attempt to help your hoarders, take a look at this post:

"I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!" Your Hoarding Quick-Start Kit

Hoarding is a bona fide mental disorder, so it's critical to educate yourself on it before you try to help your parents.

We also recommend the book Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, and Improve Your Relationship by Dr. Fugen Neziroglu. The book explores strategies for communicating with hoarder parents, and outlines practical intervention skills.

I had the same experience! One book I found from that sub that was super useful was “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. I definitely recommend it if you want to feel some compassionate validation and ways to move forward.

> I don't know what to do at this point. I'm frustrated. I'm trying to wait to confront her until I can do so calmly, because right now I'm angry, but I need her to understand that the smell is not acceptable.

I don't know where you're located, but you might consider seeking counseling support for yourself. Learning how to establish and keep boundaries with someone who's dealing with a mental illness is very difficult, and a good therapist can give you the right tools for it

I also recommend the book Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, and Improve Your Relationship by Dr. Fugen Neziroglu. The book explores strategies for communicating with hoarder parents, and outlines practical intervention skills.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this :( it really breaks my heart to hear, but I'm glad you have a partner that loves and supports you.

The comment about attachment theory reminded me of a book about adults of emotionally immature parents, which sounds like what they are from what you have described. I'm currently reading it myself and it's been a great eye-opener and later on it talks about how to heal from this. amazon link for the book

Hopefully this can help you come to terms that it's not your fault and you deserved to be love. It might be a long and hard journey to heal from the trauma but I know you will be able to achieve this and I'm rooting for you to find your happiness and the love you deserve!!! Sending you all the positive energies!

Hey OP, I'd like to gently point you to the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents". I just finished it, and it helped me to understand and resolve my feelings around a very similar childhood experience.

Frankly, pretty much the exact situation you're describing in your post is actually discussed in the book (one of the patients of the author went through that with their parent also).

It's here in audiobook format if that's easier.

Yep. OP might want to check out this book https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4

You might be able to move out and find a job to pay the rent, but the fact is it's going to be much, much easier if you finish a college degree (or some sort of education) first.

Could you transfer to a school upstate or in the midwest? Rent, food, and other expenses would be much cheaper. Most college towns don't require a car. And you could always take a bus back to the city. You'd be able to live away from your parents and your student loan money would go much farther than in the city.

You should also put psychological healing on your radar. If you've been living with abusive parents, it's going to take time and work to retrain your brain. You may get more targeted responses in a sub like /r/raisedbynarcissists but here are some resources to check out:

• Call 1-888-NYC-WELL or chat online. You can talk to a counselor for free. They'll help you talk through your options for getting into a better situation.
• Kati Morton is a therapist with a good YouTube channel. (Example: Dealing with Toxic Parents | Kati Morton)
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a highly-recommended book

I found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents really helpful in understanding what my parents’ problems were. It has also helped me understand that in addition to the disadvantage of their religious beliefs, they were each not taught to be more emotionally in tune with their children. It doesn’t make the hurt less and it doesn’t excuse the neglect, but it helps me work towards being a better parent to my kids than mine were to me.

I know it feels like you're a terrible daughter, but in reality, you're not terrible for wanting to be treated with kindness, love, and respect. Your mother is an adult who is responsible for her feelings and shouldn't be taking it out on you. You're not responsible for any of her trauma either. You can't fix her, because she's responsible for her healing journey. It's unfair to expect yourself to do all the work to repair the relationship if she's not putting any effort into it. You deserve more than that. A book that I found helpful is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.

Get yourself a copy of the book Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, and Improve Your Relationship by Dr. Fugen Neziroglu. The book explores strategies for communicating with hoarder parents, and outlines practical intervention skills.

I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4

It helped me understand that I didn't need to feel guilty. Setting boundaries is the only way to get out from under it. You can do it. Doesn't mean it won't be painful, but it gets easier. It really does. And you'll be a better person for it.

I think there are two issues here :

1 - the false belief that your "masculinity is completely stripped" if you ever "submit to her"

2 - the learned behaviour of having "to protect my mom at all costs"

Behavioural therapy with a therapist specialized in Nabuse should be helpful in deprogramming yourself from those unhealthy patterns.

In the meantime, I found Nina Brown's "Children of the self-absorbed" really helpful in separating what is me and what is Ninduced in me, an there are tools in this book to start working on some of those findings.

Hope this helps.

Yup, sounds exactly like my mom. It's been incredibly frustrating. This book helped me with that a lot.

​

(new account because I'm still not comfortable talking about stuff like this online)

I was reading this book and this book. I also just looked up some stuff about emotional immaturity online, but I really liked her books.

So sorry you're dealing with this.

If you haven't already, check out Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, and Improve Your Relationship by Dr. Fugen Neziroglu. The book explores strategies for communicating with hoarder parents, and outlines practical intervention skills.

Now, this book was written pre-COVID, so some of those strategies and interventions aren't going to be useful right now. But there's a lot of good information about why your parents might hoard, and how you can start planting the seeds in their minds of them getting comfortable with the idea of decluttering critical areas of the house.

You might want to take a look at r/RaisedByNarcissists and r/CPTSD if you haven’t already. They have some good resources and advice about this.

I also highly recommend Lindsay Gibson's book Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

I'm sorry you had to experience this.

Oh I have been here...sooooo many times. I've been married now for 25 years and it was decades of this pattern for us.

Eventually I realized that he has very little self-compassion. And I started focusing on that and thinking about how different I am in that way. I have a lot of self-compassion and can easily forgive myself when I screw up. He is more of a perfectionist overall, and he would rather avoid thinking about a mistake because it feels so bad for him. He doesn't have an internal voice that says "It's okay, you didn't mean to" or "It's okay, you'll learn from this and everyone makes mistakes".

Also, some people can get caught in a "win-lose" mindset during conflict. They feel like in any conflict, someone is at fault and must be blamed. My husband saw conflict this way, and used to always say to me: "You always have to win". He didn't believe me when I said I didn't care about "winning" and that there is no one to "blame" and I just want him to understand me, and to understand him.

When I spent a little more time getting inside his head, then I could see how painful this mindset must be. I was so tired of reassuring him when I was the one who was hurt, but now it's so much better.

Also got him a book called "I Hear You" because it teaches how to validate someone. It helps change his mindset from "I did something wrong, I am to blame" to him focusing on "I can make her feel better in this moment".

https://www.amazon.com/Hear-You-Surprisingly-Extraordinary-Relationships-ebook/dp/B071K4MWMK

I hope that helps

I’ve seen Thai book recommended a lot https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=81637743110&gclid=CjwKCAjw7eSZBhB8EiwA60kCW2eA9IS1Ny8jPEN2mHxs-KEMkP70ChKpaSLTC7ivcqFM_PXq9mD4ChoCAVkQAvD_BwE&hvadid=617134732319...

While not a stoic resource, you might check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. Armed with insights from this book, you might be able to think more stoically about your relationship, and how you've learned to cope (good or bad) with the situation.

I'mma go ahead and recommend "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents".

Other commentators are giving you great methods, tips, and things to say. But this problem goes a lot deeper than you likely realize, and it is SO, SO liberating to see it more clearly and be able to emotionally distance yourself from it. It made a huge difference in my life.

It's a simple read (it's got deep insights but it's written in a very direct, manner-of-fact way) and not super long.

The best approach is to focus on the girlfriend. Very little to nothing has to be said ABOUT mom. Listen, affirm, offer support. Your consistency and levelheadedness is everything.

Basically, think of mom like a toddler. You can't control her actions and "badmouthing" her only makes you look childish. Deal with the consequences, not the root problem.

Examples:

"It seems like yesterday's phone call/visit really made you feel xyz. I hate seeing you go through that. I love you and want you to know that you deserve to be respected and cared for."

"When you did x and your mom responded with y, I know that really hurt. I'm so sorry. You deserve to be treated with care and love."

"It seems like doing x for your mom sometimes makes you feel x because she's reacted with x. Would it be wise to take a step back? If you feel that setting some boundaries may help you, I absolutely support you."

"I'd love for your mom to be able to give you the love and care you need, but right now it's seems she's not going to be able to do that. I'm so sorry. My priority is making sure that your emotional needs are protected. To help with that, I think that we need to consider some boundries with [mom]. For example, we could consider ______"

Basically, speak in a way that if (magically) mom because super great overnight and they were close again, girlfriend would have nothing mean to look back on- just love and care.

(also, I found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents to be LIFECHANGING)

So you want to move on and stop being blamed for everything. Go low contact and feel less hurt by her rejection?

So there are many people who post stories about being the child of an N parent, those are useful. Many guides about how to leave an N parent and manage cut off, whilst still getting blamed for everything. There are books about it if you look up "children of N parents".

Therapy is also a good plan going forward as the guilt tripping leaves you with a lot of emotional triggers, plus the lack of approval, valiation and love can make you a person who looks for approval instead of approving of yourself which is important for your own personal growth.

Try r/narcissisticparents, they can be very supportive.

N mother help

The more you google the more you might be overwhelmed, so take it one bit at a time.

Book

Support is a must, just having someone to talk about things and get your thoughts and feelings validated can be very helpful.

Ive been browsing around here like crazy and i saw this link that might help you. It looks like it has some content around overcoming the shame and guilt of growing up with hoarders. Maybe its worth looking into?

Hoping for great outcomes in your life.

Children of Hoarders

Boo.

Some day you may want to read this book and you may find that it explains some of your dad's behaviour.

I will say that I have found it helpful in life to act politely in social situations. It's great that you're in a group and learning these skills. For me it took practice and repetition to make these automatic. Having said that, the nice thing about being at home is getting to act like yourself. Boo on your dad for ruining that.

I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This book completely changed my view of my family (and ultimately myself). I've been no contact with them for about 5 years now, because ALL of them are like your father. I'm happier and more at peace than I have been in my entire life.

If you read, I'd highly recommend the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." Apples tend to not fall far from the tree and this gave me a lot of context and helpful advice for situations like you describe.

A book that I found very helpful: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

I parented three siblings and had an absent mother, father and stepfather while I did it. Oh so fun and it absolutely contributed to my decision.

Yeah, I mean it sounds like she's just not a great listener.

My wife is similar, she tries but ultimately when I vent my serious problems to her a lot of times I just feel worse after so I find other ways to cope. So generally I stick to just telling her about work drama or simple things so she can hear about my day.

You might talk to your wife about reflective listening.

There's also a great book called <em>I hear You</em> that might be helpful for her.