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Parenting Boys books:
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Top Reddit reviews mentioning Parenting Boys books:
https://www.amazon.com/When-Hes-Married-Mom-Mother-Enmeshed/dp/0743291387/
https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Hes-Married-Mom-Mother-Enmeshed/dp/0743291387
"When a Woman Is in an Emotional Tug-of-War for Her Man's Heart Why can't he commit? Many women find themselves asking this question when in love with a man who won't get married, won't stop womanizing, or refuses to give up his sex addictions. Often this kind of man is bound by an unhealthy attachment to his mother. This phenomenon is called "mother-son enmeshment" In When He's Married to Mom, clinical psychologist and renowned intimacy expert Dr. Kenneth M. Adams goes beyond the stereotypes of momma's boys and meddling mothers to explain how mother-son enmeshment affects everyone: the mother, the son, and the woman who loves him. In his twenty-five years of practice, Dr. Adams has successfully treated hundreds of enmeshed men and shares their stories in this informative guide. He provides proven methods to make things better, including: - Guidelines to help women create fulfilling relationships with mother-enmeshed men - Tools to help mother-enmeshed men have healthy and successful dating experiences leading to serious relationships and marriage - Strategies to help parents avoid enmeshing their children When He's Married to Mom provides practical and compassionate advice to the women who are involved with mother-enmeshed men, to the mothers who wish to set them free, and to the men themselves."
I just picked up my copy of "The Boy Crisis" which just came out.
Get the book "lifetimes" it explains life and death as a natural process and leaves out any magical ideas. It helped both of my kids understand death when our dog died.
It’s pretty short but very valuable.
Love and Logic has been the most valuable resource I’ve found, especially for children ages 4+. There’s books, an online seminar, in person seminars, whatever, but the principles are very positive and very supportive.
It’ll be messy and confusing at first. And by that I mean possibly for a year or more while you adjust to and define what a normal, healthy and peaceful life means for yourself. But you should absolutely move out and set boundaries around her abusive behavior based on what you described. Trust your intuition. It’s so much easier to process everything from a healthy distance.
Her behavior as you shared it has some ringings of Borderline Personality, particularly in how you described her reactions to you going against her will. That is a red flag even if you previously felt you had a loving and happy relationship with someone — if they rage or try to manipulate people against you as soon as you decide to stop being “the good child.” I hate backseat diagnoses and that is absolutely not what I’m intending to do, but I would recommend the book “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” which itself acknowledges that people can show traits or behaviors inline with BPD that are unhealthy but it doesn’t mean they have a disorder. It’s more a roadmap to understanding why some of the most common behaviors and tactics might occur, and how to connect, heal and ultimately forgive (with boundaries). I found the book extremely helpful and validating when learning to create boundaries for myself with my mother. Best of luck to you.
The book:
https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287
I started a pregnancy journal with my first, but never finished it because I was just writing, “Ugh, I’m so sick today. Again. Just like yesterday,” over and over. The journal even has writing prompts, but it seemed like my answers were always something about feeling sick.
Now I just have an agenda book that I use as a daily journal because it has just enough room for 3-4 sentences about my day, which is about more than just pregnancy. And I keep my Dr appointments in my phone’s calendar app.
Once baby comes, I really liked having a baby memory journal to keep track of milestones (although it got depressing with Covid because all my answers about what we did for baby’s first holidays were the same: dressed up in a cute holiday outfit and sat at home).
I have a great little workbook Surviving a Borderline Parent that I found on Amazon when I was looking at Understanding the Borderline Parent. That book was way too intense for where I'm at now, but the workbook is just about perfect. It walks through several areas discussing what many people experience growing up raised by a BPD parent, offering both explanation and suggested activities to explore your own experiences.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Your mother seems horrible and a kid should not be in a situation were she witnesses abuse towards you and it is something very wrong when she is obsessed and worried about adults. It is never a kids job to feel responsible for grown ups. This might be a sign of covert incest: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/covert-incest
You will need to remove her from your abusive family, but I do not know how to best do this.
If you can afford therapy that would probably be the most effective. There are also a lot of good books on parenting from a scientific perspective that will tell you how a kids brain and emotiobal systems develop. This was one of my favourites: https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing/dp/0553386697
It might be better ones for older kids though. Make sure you pick books written by someone with a relevant degree. There are also a lot of misinformation out there as anyone can call themselves an expert on rasing kids.
I like this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021/
For explaining death to kids (it even helped calm me when my mom died.). It's not religious if that matters one way or the other to you.
Your sister is lucky to have someone like you.
All parents need to read this:
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509009/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_ZDF27VDD3JY5CFT711G1
One of those rare books that provide insights backed up by scientific research that also resonates on an intuitive level (e.g. loving your kids even more makes them happier and better behaved!).
Trust your mommy senses.
Oprah did a whole segment on this. I never knew how blind I was until I saw her chilling segment and read the below book she recommended.
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509009/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_0T38S39DACKHXG5BFYH1
i recommend getting a physical copy rather than audiobook so you can highlight and write in it. This BPD workbook worked great for me helping to sift through the important factors in the decision of separating from my narc-mom and her minions:
Add this to the resource. It is beautiful. Tell her it is a good thing to learn and read together about before she puts the dog down. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553344021/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_NVCZRXT1WXZRXKBP64NQ?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
I've read that the way a toddler's brain develops, they focus on a specific area or skill they are learning so exclusively that others can appear to have regressed. She's not forgetting speech, but she's not growing it. She must be focusing on something else. I've been looking for a source to share with you but I can't find one. I'd recommend this book as well, it was a fascinating read: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553386697/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Teenagers are almost never picked off on the street. You are at risk of bad things happening to you: the number one biggest risk in your life is a friend's swimming pool. Another major risk is a gun at a friend's house, or your house.
You are also at risk of being abused by an adult, and it's especially important to be on your guard because a child's abuser is almost always someone known and trusted. A parent, a friend, a coach, a pastor, a teacher, a cop.
I read Gavin de Becker to keep my kids safe. https://www.amazon.ca/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009. It changed my life. I read it for my children, but you can read it for yourself.
Bottom line: it's great that you are trying to figure out how to be safe in an unsafe world. You are an object of prey for some twisted men, and as a society we don't do enough to keep our young people safe. But the risk is not the stranger in the street. It's someone that you know. Pay attention to the grooming behaviors, their low risk approaches, figure out the adults who you can truly trust with your life are. That's how you keep yourself safe.
"What to expect when you're expecting"
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This is NOT a 'Christian' book, but is completely full of detailed info and advice. My wife used her copy for all 4 of her pregnancies.
Please just be kind to the baby, always. My mother was in your situation, she pulled through well but harmed me when I was very little. I know she would take all the harmful things back if she could, she loves me very much, but the wounds stay for life.
I think I was just trying to survive to the next day and had not realized how severely my mother's (my pwBPD) behavior had affected me, but I just went NC for the first time in early November and I feel like I can breathe for the first time in I don't know how long. I don't as depressed or anxious. My head is quieter.
I started reading a book this week that I highly recommend to others with a parent who has BPD: https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=sr_1_1?gclid=Cj0KCQiA1ZGcBhCoARIsAGQ0kkrpX1jgCVRy8Jx60yH39knVox1mU9Hl2X7KvzO_b3eRwjoprt8nA_QaAh84EALw_wcB&hvadid=241610496383&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9011943&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15539351547440329832&hvtargid=kwd-433988525&hydadcr=15529_10341050&keywords=surviving+a+borderline+parent&qid=1669648158&sr=8-1
It helped me realize I had been helping her with HER emotions and often holding onto them for her since I was a child. Going NC is allowing me to have space for myself in my head now.
I hate that she's suffering, but it felt like I had an anchor on my ankle and I was drowning before.
I feel hopeful.
You absolutely want to avoid the "bad kid" self-fulfilling prophecy. It is a horrible loop that our education system tends to worsen.
My son openly wept when he received a complement from his teacher a few years ago. Kept asking over and over "so I'm not the bad kid?" Broke my heart into pieces.
Don't let him internalize actions by saying "he was bad" to do that... rather, the "action was bad" Give the kid a good name and he will live up to it.
Definitely recommend reading up on this book - one of the best books I've read on raising boys
https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Cain-Protecting-Emotional-Life/dp/0345434854
The book When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment might help you deal with this.
Read the book <em>What to Expect When You're Expectin</em>g and <em>What to Expect the First Year</em>. Take the birthing classes at the hospital. You'll feel a lot better prepared.
Don't be afraid to be dad. Sometimes the best thing you can tell kids is "no" or "give me your phone and go to your room."
A good resource on this is the book by Ken Adams, "When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment".
A good resource on this is the book by Ken Adams, "When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment".
My husband got me a gift card to a spa that offers prenatal massage and it was the best! Very nice to relax and take care of myself, especially when I was feeling so exhausted at the beginning of pregnancy.
A pregnancy/baby book if she doesn’t already have one. I got this one and LOVE it. It has room for updates until baby is 5.
I will also second the other suggestion about taking lots of pictures!
No you are not over-reacting. Many comments above have pointed that out well. The question is, as you realize this fact, how do you move forward.
1. Is this just a JNMiL issue or also a JustNoSO issue? Your comments suggest he recognizes some issues, but how much is he willing to prioritize your and your relationship in view of his past actions. Couples therapy can help with this too.
2. How are you and your partner going to set boundaries and come to an agreement on enforcing those boundaries. Again, therapy can help with this but I also think you need to inform yourself what you are in for and how to navigate this. This sub has a great resources page and one other place to start is this book. https://www.amazon.com/When-Hes-Married-Mom-Mother-Enmeshed/dp/0743291387?ref_=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=3a34e875-92a9-4e8e-be03-2787a2572d82
Good luck.
When you are more rested, I highly recommend that you read the book ‘Protecting the Gift’ by Gavin de Becker. De Becker talks a lot about using our intuition.
Amazon has a good summary.
My grief counselor in the hospital when we had our son stillborn suggested a book for our three year old daughter called “Lifetimes, a Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children” by Bryan Mellonie. It’s a good, straight forward, relatively short read that she still asks for her in book rotation and I think it did really help her process and understand what it means when we die.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553344021/ref=cm_sw_r_api_i_RX0MGH5KXQPDNF48GXZV_1
More people need to know about covert incest. https://www.amazon.com/When-Hes-Married-Mom-Mother-Enmeshed/dp/0743291387 the really strong mother-son attachment patterns that break marriages are often a sign of emotional abuse.