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I highly recommend this book, " Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers ". I gained more insights from this book than I thought it was possible to get from one book
I just picked up my copy of "The Boy Crisis" which just came out.
Pretty sure it's talked about in this book, but yeah it's a thing. Young children naturally have no separation from their caregivers so they can and do fulfil the needs of the narc. When children start having their own needs they can't (and really never should have) fulfil the needs of the narc parent. But they can't be discarded so you get the weird good parent/bad parent flip.
Are you an only child? Because I am, and so I was both the Golden Child and the Scapegoat with my Nmom. I too have good memories of my mom doing things with me, but now I question if she did those things to make herself look good or because she wanted someone to tag along, not because she was doing anything nice for me. And despite what good memories I have, all of the bad outweighs it now, so I cut her out. I don’t hate my mom, but I really don’t like her and it’s much better for my well being to have her cut out of my life. It’s so hard reconciling good memories with how she really is, and I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact I don’t have a loving mom because everyone wants to have a loving, supportive mom, but my life is better without her in it. I recommend reading ‘Will I Ever be Good Enough?’, a book written by a psychologist about women with narcissistic moms. https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
I have pretty awful parents. I no longer have a relationship with my mother. This book has been very helpful and explaining my dad’s role in it. this book
Someone recommended this book in a post a few weeks ago and I thought it looked interesting. Perhaps a book like this will help you better understand your parents?
Amazon link to "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
It’ll be messy and confusing at first. And by that I mean possibly for a year or more while you adjust to and define what a normal, healthy and peaceful life means for yourself. But you should absolutely move out and set boundaries around her abusive behavior based on what you described. Trust your intuition. It’s so much easier to process everything from a healthy distance.
Her behavior as you shared it has some ringings of Borderline Personality, particularly in how you described her reactions to you going against her will. That is a red flag even if you previously felt you had a loving and happy relationship with someone — if they rage or try to manipulate people against you as soon as you decide to stop being “the good child.” I hate backseat diagnoses and that is absolutely not what I’m intending to do, but I would recommend the book “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” which itself acknowledges that people can show traits or behaviors inline with BPD that are unhealthy but it doesn’t mean they have a disorder. It’s more a roadmap to understanding why some of the most common behaviors and tactics might occur, and how to connect, heal and ultimately forgive (with boundaries). I found the book extremely helpful and validating when learning to create boundaries for myself with my mother. Best of luck to you.
The book:
https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287
I started a pregnancy journal with my first, but never finished it because I was just writing, “Ugh, I’m so sick today. Again. Just like yesterday,” over and over. The journal even has writing prompts, but it seemed like my answers were always something about feeling sick.
Now I just have an agenda book that I use as a daily journal because it has just enough room for 3-4 sentences about my day, which is about more than just pregnancy. And I keep my Dr appointments in my phone’s calendar app.
Once baby comes, I really liked having a baby memory journal to keep track of milestones (although it got depressing with Covid because all my answers about what we did for baby’s first holidays were the same: dressed up in a cute holiday outfit and sat at home).
Sister. My parents are extremely similar and I've gone through many of the same feelings.
I think you will benefit enourmously from that book I recommended as well as this one linked here. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Just reading the amazon reveiws can be very cathartic because you will see many girls who have gone through the same thing and that you aren't alone.
I also want to say that therapy is really wonderful and I think would do you good as well. Sending you blessings and wishing you all the best. Remember that you are worthy and deserving of love, happiness, peace, acceptance and all your dreams come true xxx
NTA. He asked and you answered in an age appropriate way.
Book suggestion for anyone interested Who Has What?: All About Girls' Bodies and Boys' Bodies
It doesn’t discuss how babies are made, but similarities and differences between male and female bodies.
I have a great little workbook Surviving a Borderline Parent that I found on Amazon when I was looking at Understanding the Borderline Parent. That book was way too intense for where I'm at now, but the workbook is just about perfect. It walks through several areas discussing what many people experience growing up raised by a BPD parent, offering both explanation and suggested activities to explore your own experiences.
Someone in another thread mentioned this book the other day, and I think you might be interested in it too. Maybe the local library has it or can order it for you? I haven’t gotten a chance to start it yet, but even just reading the amazon reviews made me start seeing lightbulbs!
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_1EbbCbVQBW9RM
Your sister is lucky to have someone like you.
All parents need to read this:
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509009/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_ZDF27VDD3JY5CFT711G1
I got this book for my wife and she said it was very helpful but very difficult to read:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1439129436
Your mother sounds horribly like my mother-in-law with the unfortunate exception that mine is still alive. Husband was a slave until he died, then he was called worthless despite leaving her an estate worth seven figures. She was so abusive and foul to her in-home caretakers that she got put into an assisted living facility. My wife was written out of the will decades ago, but we don't care since we have our retirement and our kids' college educations funded.
House is also a filthy hovel. We're waiting for her to die so we can go in and get childhood mementos like high school yearbooks. Nothing of any monetary value.
Before we met, my wife moved out of the house at 21 years of age and her mother told the family that she was a runaway. Then she made up many lies to make her the victim and my wife the villain. Only now with her mother in assisted-living custody can my wife tell her family about the horrors of her childhood and the truth behind her mother's lies about how horrible a daughter she was.
Same background of no abuse... From my amateur outsider's point of view it looks like borderline personality disorder. She's too far gone now. A teacher's intervention would have made a difference.
So how are you coping? Any pointers for my wife? Any need for a chat with someone who has been there? I swear you and my wife would bond in a support group. That book linked above improved my wife's perspective and started to help her believe that she didn't deserve this. I have no idea how my wife will handle her mom finally passing away despite only seeing her a few times in the last 20 years.
Trust your mommy senses.
Oprah did a whole segment on this. I never knew how blind I was until I saw her chilling segment and read the below book she recommended.
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509009/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_0T38S39DACKHXG5BFYH1
i recommend getting a physical copy rather than audiobook so you can highlight and write in it. This BPD workbook worked great for me helping to sift through the important factors in the decision of separating from my narc-mom and her minions:
I discovered I was raised by narcissistic watching some of thisthis woman YT Channel Vivian McGrath. She speaks in a so sweet voice.
She recommended a bookbook called Will I ever be good enough? By Karyl McBride
While I was reading the book I had a lot of “Eureka” moments.
I brought this topic to therapy. (I go to therapy because I have panic attack due to childhood trauma, let’s say it like that) I decided to go no contact with my family (for a while, still no contact) My therapist supported me on the decision.
With my therapist we work more with the body than with the mind. It’s quite difficult for me, because I used my mind to escape from my family’s problems. We also talk about the fact that parents are the mirror for the child, and sometimes they don’t mirror what they should, or they reflect what is convenient for them. She also suggested me to talk with people that have the same issues that I do.
Therapy helps a lot. But sometimes I struggle to find the beauty of life. I would like to appreciate all what I did to be where I am. But well, it’s training.
I live with my husband, I managed to build a life by myself in another country.
Trying to live day by day. Some days hurts some others I feel great.
Hope it helps!
Teenagers are almost never picked off on the street. You are at risk of bad things happening to you: the number one biggest risk in your life is a friend's swimming pool. Another major risk is a gun at a friend's house, or your house.
You are also at risk of being abused by an adult, and it's especially important to be on your guard because a child's abuser is almost always someone known and trusted. A parent, a friend, a coach, a pastor, a teacher, a cop.
I read Gavin de Becker to keep my kids safe. https://www.amazon.ca/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009. It changed my life. I read it for my children, but you can read it for yourself.
Bottom line: it's great that you are trying to figure out how to be safe in an unsafe world. You are an object of prey for some twisted men, and as a society we don't do enough to keep our young people safe. But the risk is not the stranger in the street. It's someone that you know. Pay attention to the grooming behaviors, their low risk approaches, figure out the adults who you can truly trust with your life are. That's how you keep yourself safe.
I recommend this book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
I am sorry you do not have a supportive mom. Unfortunately, she is never going to be the mom you want her to be. I had my own struggles with my mother.
You will need to find a way to make peace that you did not get the mother you deserve.
I think I was just trying to survive to the next day and had not realized how severely my mother's (my pwBPD) behavior had affected me, but I just went NC for the first time in early November and I feel like I can breathe for the first time in I don't know how long. I don't as depressed or anxious. My head is quieter.
I started reading a book this week that I highly recommend to others with a parent who has BPD: https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=sr_1_1?gclid=Cj0KCQiA1ZGcBhCoARIsAGQ0kkrpX1jgCVRy8Jx60yH39knVox1mU9Hl2X7KvzO_b3eRwjoprt8nA_QaAh84EALw_wcB&hvadid=241610496383&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9011943&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15539351547440329832&hvtargid=kwd-433988525&hydadcr=15529_10341050&keywords=surviving+a+borderline+parent&qid=1669648158&sr=8-1
It helped me realize I had been helping her with HER emotions and often holding onto them for her since I was a child. Going NC is allowing me to have space for myself in my head now.
I hate that she's suffering, but it felt like I had an anchor on my ankle and I was drowning before.
I feel hopeful.
Just an idea, but I’ve been working though a book called “Will I Ever Be Enough?: Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” (Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 - but audiobook available for free on Hoopla).
I think it could honestly apply to all genders if you think of the mentions of “mothers” and “daughters” as “person that should have taken care of you/protected you/ believed in you” and “yourself.”
The point of the book is to (eventually) find forgiveness for the person/people who caused you pain and in doing so become indifferent to them and bring yourself peace and self-sufficiency. I always have to remind myself that forgiveness is really more for the forgiver than for the forgivee, and that the heart attack only happens to the one holding the resentment and stress, not the one who caused it. So somehow, someway, we have to learn to release it or it will catch up. I am proud of you for taking the steps to do so by going to therapy. It takes a bravery that many don’t possess.
The book still does require you to go back into some memories and to interact with your inner child, but not by just tossing you into a traumatic memory in the last 5 minutes of a session, (terrible approach) and it even offers some different ways of doing so, like getting a doll to represent yourself as a child/teen/young adult and asking them what THEY need(ed), and then giving them that. Focusing more on realizing what YOU needed/missed and how adult YOU can give that to YOURSELF, rather than what other people - whom you can never change - denied you. More inner-healing-focused than outer-blame-focused, because you are the one taking the hard steps and putting in the work to heal the damage, not them. Superheroes don’t simply sit around and blame the villain, they find solutions and fight the battles, and you are such a superhero for going to therapy!
It's from "What's Happening To Me?"
My parents gave me this book when I was about 11, and even at that age I knew this was a piece of advice which would get the shit kicked out of you if you followed it. I kept well away from looking at peni until I first saw a porno a couple of years later. Luckily, I had this book so I knew what was happening...
I think the first step in all of this is recognizing what you’re doing. Check out the book Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward. I listened to the audiobook and thought it was very helpful when trying to heal from the damage done by my NMother.
Here’s the description from Amazon: “With Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of the smash #1 bestseller Toxic Parents, offers a powerful look at the devastating impact unloving mothers have on their daughters—and provides clear, effective techniques for overcoming that painful legacy.
In more than 35 years as a therapist, Forward has worked with large numbers of women struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love.
Forward examines the Narcissistic Mother, the Competitive Mother, the Overly Enmeshed mother, the Control Freak, Mothers who need Mothering, and mothers who abuse or fail to protect their daughters from abuse.
Filled with compelling case histories, Mothers Who Can’t Love outlines the self-help techniques Forward has developed to transform the lives of her clients, showing women how to overcome the pain of childhood and how to act in their own best interests.
Warm and compassionate, Mothers Who Can’t Love offers daughters the emotional support and tools they need to heal themselves and rebuild their confidence and self-respect.”
https://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/0062204343
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" is written for folks like us with the particular horror of maternal abuse.
It talks about several abusive and dysfunctional styles of maternal abuse, including this "you have to be my best friend and helper" one. I was also raised that way, my abuser is now dead thankfully. It's frighteningly common, and incredibly insideous.
I have a story very similar to yours, and I mean almost the same. I recently got this book, and I’m almost finished with it called Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers It has been really helpful in reassuring myself in my recovery. I highly recommend. I recently had my first child and wish I would have went NC before having my baby to save myself more heartache, but I feel more determined to rid our lives of toxicity and abuse more than ever. You aren’t alone and you’re stronger than she could ever be, keep that strength and keep your mind and soul safe. Wishing you a patient and loving recovery ♥️
i recommend Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
it has really helped me not only see some things about myself as a result of my NPD mom, but helped me maintain NC. It helped me break the strings from my puppeteer.
No but I will ask for the paper on it because it’s an interesting but not surprising statistic. I’m in the middle of reading this book “will I ever be good enough” Im reading it and finding it very helpful. I’ve spent the last few weeks spotting family/friends who have narcissistic mothers.
I’m sorry to hear you’re in this position, I’m in a similar one too so I empathise. Feel free to dm me at any stage too, it feels like grief when you find out.
My husband got me a gift card to a spa that offers prenatal massage and it was the best! Very nice to relax and take care of myself, especially when I was feeling so exhausted at the beginning of pregnancy.
A pregnancy/baby book if she doesn’t already have one. I got this one and LOVE it. It has room for updates until baby is 5.
I will also second the other suggestion about taking lots of pictures!
I am currently reading this book (chapter 6) and I recommend it. Have a journal ready to jot stuff down as you go through it. It's good for perspective and thinking things through. You're not alone. https://www.amazon.ca/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=asc_df_1439129436/?tag=googlemobshop-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=292914682536&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12371549123201859392&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&...