NTA your mom is abusive af. She sounds like a carbon copy of my mom. I went no contact 6 months ago and my life is so much happier and healthier!!
I recommend these books:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents [link]
You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother [link]
> What a creepy little fucker. He gave me bad vibes the minute I met him. Goes to show that your intuition about people is right sometimes.
The Gift of Fear
Read it. Dead serious. It will change your perspective on your gut instincts.
A lot of the issues are psychological in nature. I wasn’t a “neck beard” but I was a “nice guy”. There are several issues with “nice guy” thinking/behavior:
This book changed my life:
That is a very fast and nasty escalation -- and one that could have put you in more danger of being attacked by someone else.
Please be sure to let your boss know about this right away. As you said, you can't prove it was her, but is is pretty likely that it was. It would be wise to change your schedule. Given that your boss has already had to report your Nmonster to the police, your boss will likely want to help you do that. It would also be good to get a picture of your Nmom to the appropriate security folks at work so that they know the miscreant when they see her.
Given this incident, you would be wise to consider getting more protections for yourself in place.
You may also find this book useful The Gift of Fear.
Please take this escalation seriously and get your protections in place. One of the things that happens with ACONs is that our "Normal Meters" get broken and / or seriously skewed by decades of mistreatment by our NParents. Your buddy is freaked out for a reason. The other posters here are scared for you for a reason. If your nmom has escalated this fast and this maliciously, things aren't likely to quiet down.
Sending hugs (if you want them).
Yes, I remember that to, I think I read that in some book. It is both funny and a little bit scary how easily they can out put us into categories.
Edit: The book i read it in is called Charles Duhigg The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business
NTA oh dear internet stranger. Please give yourself the gift of a few new books. Your mom is a narcissist.
You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers [link]
There is definitely a creep factor involved that has nothing to do with height/size. Some guys just exude it. In the book The Gift of Fear the author talks about subtle hints that your subconscious picks up on. Innocent guys just walking the path don't throw out any of those vibes, although women are wise to be cautious whenever or wherever.
I have an anxious attachment style too, and initially I thought it was a bad thing. What I like about this theory is how non-judgmental it all is. Your needs are your needs. I NEED more security and validation from partners, so I NEED to look for someone who is capable of giving me that. Secures can do that, while avoidants cannot.
If this interests you at all, I HIGHLY recommend the book “Attached”
When I was 17-18, I had a job at a university bookstore. There was a man who came in a lot, a professor. He liked to hang around and talk to me about books, and one day he invited me to dinner. He was at least 20 years older than me, but I was in a new city and didn't know many people, so I went.
At the restaurant, I became increasingly uneasy. I still can't put my finger exactly on why, he didn't sleaze on me, but I found myself wanting to get away from him. In the end, I picked a fight (about feminism) and stormed out of the restaurant—I even made sure I stopped and paid for everything I had eaten. I did not want to feel any obligation to him.
I avoided him after that.
He became quite famous in my country after a few books he'd written—he was a criminologist, often interviewed in the news and quoted in articles. But every time I saw his name my hackles rose—and I still could not to this day tell you exactly why. It was "just a feeling".
And he kept getting more famous... until the day, about 2 years ago, when the headlines announced he had been arrested and charged for the sexual abuse and grooming of a girl under 12.
I heard there were others, but they were historical charges and prosecutors didn't think they could get a conviction.
Moral of the story: trust your instincts. I read Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear some time after that incident and it made complete sense to me. I advise everyone, especially young women, to read it. It explains what it is your instincts are doing when they warn you, and how to learn to follow them and keep safe.
I highly recommend you read the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, he tackles extacly all of the things you mention.
It isn't a pick-up, or a seduction book, it is a self help book for men. Oh and if you are in America, there are No more Mr. Nice Guy support groups, which will highly increase your recovery success.
4.6/5 in Amazon with more than 4000 ratings, the book is that good.
I read it a while back, but I think I am going to read it again, since I realize I may have fallen in old habits deemed detrimental to my wellbeing.
Please please read: The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence . A relationship is "good" until it's not. Just like how you can feel healthy until you go to the doctor and they tell you're sick. Use your best judgement. Be safe.
Reread your post. Can you see that he's trying to get his way regardless of your feelings? First he tried the "nice" way. I bet he also tried asking you for a baby. Then he tried telling you he wants a baby. Then he tried a guilt trip. Then he tried to dominate you. Then he HURT you and didn't let up until you agreed under force. OP, do not lie again. Do not say okay if you don't want a baby. You do not want to teach him (without meaning to) that he can get his way if he hurts you.
Here's an amazon link for the book: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198. Maybe someone else knows where to get a free PDF?
>I asked him to leave me alone, he didn’t. So I made up some bs story that I left something behind and ran back into work.
You did well.
Omg. That’s hilarious. Ahh it would be so great if you could counter with another prominently displayed book with an accusatory title.
Something like this maybe?
I want to validate that it’s upsetting and it does feel dangerous. You’re not being a crybaby, especially if this is the first time you have this type of attention on you. Unfortunately, it’s a rite of passage every woman goes through.
Take women self defense classes or seminars to learn how to look unapproachable. I also recommend reading “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. Knowing that you can fight back is a powerful tool. By taking steps to protect yourself, you can feel safer.
Know that it is ok for you to be “rude”. No one is entitled to your time or your attention. My go to is to not answer or respond to attention. However, I will admit I don’t get that much attention as I’m not a conventional attractive woman so my methods may not work as well.
Taxi driver conversations: that could be mundane. You can turn it around. Give a vague reply, “the South Side” or even “I prefer to keep it private” and then ask them detailed questions so they talk about themselves. Or you can just ignore them and say you’ve had a long day. If they insist on asking you questions, then they’re being rude and intrusive.
Gaining weight as a defense mechanism is a common tactic but it has long term health consequences. I advise against it because healthcare is expensive (in the US). Also, gaining weight won’t prevent all violence against you. Being a woman comes with an inherent set of risks, regardless of size.
Random violence happens to everyone, regardless of looks, gender, or size. I don’t know the city you live in or what the circumstances are so I can’t say it will all be ok. At the same time, the world is less dangerous than the news or television shows portray. I stopped watching police procedural shows because I realized it made me paranoid to leave the house. I’ve traveled solo in US cities late at night and have been fine. I’ve also been groped in broad daylight.
The simple answer is that there is positive male media out there, just not Men As Men. Like, Batman is a dude. Groot is a dude. Ethan Hunt is a dude. All those are dudes doing cool dude shit as dudes.
The more complex answer is that, on a place like Medium, there's not a whole lot of value that's going to come out of broad "male defense". Like, what specifically are you looking for? "Congratulations on not catcalling women"? "Thanks, men, for generally existing without murdering people"?
Like it or not, humans tend to be negatively focused. It is probably an innate survival instinct. So you're going to get a dozen times as many "men, stop doing thing!" articles as you will "men, thanks for doing thing!" articles.
"Nothing happened", the word to finish that sentence is YET. while it's unknown exactly how the situation would of progressed if you hadn't left and gone to a safer location... if you feel it's dangerous that you are most likely right in your assessment. People are more perceptive than they realize.
Consider reading this book: The Gift of Fear
Maybe flippin' them off wasn't the smartest move, but they were already focused on harassing you. You are not responsible at all for their sinister behaviour.
It was better to run that to stay, you made the right choice.
There can be a pack mentality of men egging other men on, an action they may not initiate on their own, they will take part in, or turn a blind eye to, when they're together.
I've seen it in girls and women too (pack cruelty), more with verbal bullying, rarely physical violence.
His book is #4 on Amazon. He’s dealing with it just fine, and his message is winning.
Read this book! It is not about becoming a dick to others but learning to stand up for yourself
No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover
"Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.
I read Allen Carr’s Easy way to quit smoking
5 years ago and haven’t looked back. Do yourself a favor and read this book!! Allen Carr’s easy way to quit smoking
I saved $20,000 in the last 5 years!!
I've been reading The Power of Now, which is helping me realize how the present moment is all we have and is the only thing that can give us inner peace. I am still reading it, but the book has certainly helped me better understand this. "All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry -- all forms of fear -- are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence." (Eckhart, p. 61)
“I liked you better when we weren’t speaking, Mom” ��
Sorry, I know burning bridges is not always what people want/need, but wow you really nailed so much tone/script here. And people who say these things know that the things they say to us have more impact, negative or positive, because of their role in our lives is trusted and close (or it was) but they choose to use it to manipulate instead of support.
Try to remove yourself a step or three from the situation and think about what it would take for someone who loves you and wants you safe and well, to say things like this. What would it take for you to say things like this to someone you love? Even if you think they made a bad choice, ‘I liked you better the other way’ is a ridiculously self centered and petulant approach.
You should be able to expect better, but this person, for whatever reason, has some kind of deficit in their capacity. Their emotional intelligence is at a deficit. I really don’t know how much of that is a choice, or it’s just how some people are wired. Either way, you keep exposing yourself to harm if you keep being vulnerable to someone like this, though. You’ll be safer if you can say ‘well they aren’t capable of being the person I need; I need to manage my expectations of them, because I can’t trust them to be thoughtful.”
I can’t help but recommend this book - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, if this is coming from a parent. It would probably still be helpful if it’s not a parent.
You were not born to be the prettiest figurine on this person’s knickknack shelf. Don’t feel obligated to do so, or guilty for not doing so. It’s not an expectation a reasonable person would set.
(Hmm I think you hit a nerve or three ;)
If I may...
I bought this book on a recommendation of a friend of mine. My wife insisted I give it a shot. I read the book in 4 days, and haven't touched a cigarette since. It's been 8 and a half years!
Your mileage may vary, of course, but I love the way this book makes you rethink your relationship with tobacco. I recommend it to many people who want to quit smoking.
Mom died of cancer. The end was awful. It takes some time, but eventually the memories of the end fade, and the wonderful memories remain.
It’s going to be bad for awhile. I’m sorry for your loss.
Edit - Mom dies of smoking related cancer. Please quit.
This way works:
I like the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
Be prepared to do some deep digging and to uncover some painful hangups you have about yourself, the world, and your childhood. The biggest one for me: Acting perfect is actually boring and repels people, because it's fake and everyone knows it. As long as you wear a "perfect person" mask, you will never be able to make real connections with anyone. Peoples' flaws are what make them interesting to others. To make real connections with people, you have to be vulnerable. The more open you make yourself to being hurt, the more opportunities to connect with others you will have. The second biggest hangup for me: Acting needy is something almost nobody likes, except maybe your mom. It is nobody's job to meet your needs, except you. It's not immoral or bad to go after what you want and to be honest about it. People generally respect that, a lot more than they respect acting nice.
For dating advice, check out Models by Mark Manson.
It's good advice, and it's not sleazy, which is great.
Also. Women like hot guys. Just like YOU like hot women. After the baseline of feeling safe around someone is established, women want the guy who is aggressive, driven, handsome, strong, tall, competent, and dominant. They don't want a little boy. That doesn't make them whores, it makes them women. I don't imagine you look at how nice a girl acts as the primary indicator of attractiveness. You look at their looks, their interests, their personality, their sense of humor. Well, so do women.
I'd strongly suggest picking up a copy of Models for your buddy. The book tends to be honest, insightful, and offer lots of actionable advice for building a romantic connection.
Hey OP, if you username wasn’t a flag on its own, your post history certainly is. Given that you were recently asking about guns, I don’t think it’s wise for strangers to be opening their homes to you.
As someone who has struggled from extreme depression, I have some idea of the pain you are feeling. Before you make any big decisions, I need you to pick up a copy of Feeling Good by David Burns. It’s free with a library card in the LA Public Library system. Get the Libby app and have it the audiobook read to you on your phone.
That book uses a principle known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and it’s effective and fast-acting.
Do your parents know you’re suicidal?
Yeah, if you've grown up your entire life being gaslit, scapegoated, and trained to take responsibility or make excuses for your immature parent's bad behavior, it becomes your natural way of doing things. I picked up and read this book almost on a whim a while back, and I was amazed at how much it resonated with me. My situation is a little bit different from yours; I don't think either of my of my parents really have textbook NPD or BPD (which it seems like your mom does) - they were more, I dunno... Disinterested and immature, maybe? Anyway, I feel like reading that book helped me to identify patterns of behavior I didn't even realize I had developed, and had started repeating with my own kids. Anyway, point being, I think most everyone assumes their family is "normal" by default, and never really examines these patterns of learned behavior from an objective place unless something pushes them to do so.
That being said, consider that your dad has most likely been suffering your mom's shit with a smile since before you were born, but seeing the narcissistic abuse turned toward you was the last straw for him. Don't directly involve yourself in your parents relationship, but it's good that you have each other. You probably both have some things to work through and healing to do. Good news is, once the dust settles, you get to have a real mature adult relationship with one of your parents, at least!
You didn’t mess up or freeze! Your actions show that you were ridiculously aware given the circumstances (tried to call 911 first before reaching for your firearm), and something in your gut, your instinct, stopped that trigger finger unless you absolutely HAD to. You would have pulled if he attacked you, but you waited until the absolute last possible second to decide whether to take a life, and that shows courage and really trusting your instincts and your training. There was probably a little spark in your brain somewhere that said "If he really was going to attack me he'd already be doing it, not standing there taunting me." (If you haven't read The Gift of Fear, do.) Nobody died or went to the hospital, and you get to sleep in your own bed. That was the best possible outcome you could have had. Don't wish you could go back and do it over again and shoot someone... as traumatizing as having a psycho bathrobe ninja fall out of your ceiling is, that would be far worse for your mental health.
I would consider supporting the author over downloading a copy that was distributed freely without his permission. It’s less than $10 on Amazon.
EDIT: Someone mentioned the author is dead now, but his family is likely still receiving royalties. Pirating has its place (looking at you, EA) but small time authors and their surviving family isn’t one of them.
NTA. It's better to be rude than dead. Women are taught to be overly polite and worry more about someone else's comfort than their own. You are allowed to behave and feel however you like. Anyone who tells you that you shouldn't feel a certain way is deluded or trying to manipulate you.
Never let anyone talk you into giving someone a chance that you are not interested in dating. You are not required to go on a date with someone just because they ask. You get a vote-- and no one else.
You can break up with someone for any reason- it doesn't have to be some imaginary "good enough" reason.
Digital stalking is still stalking. Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse.
Read "The Gift of Fear." It's the manual on how to stay safe and recognize when your gut has it right.
You own your feelings and choices. Do not let a committee run your life.
There's a great book that addresses this. It's called Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. It strongly urges people to date others who have a similar level of desire for and comfort with closeness, and goes into the biological drivers for why closeness feels so life-and-death important. Failing that, it gives practical tips for how to make your relationship less anxiety-provoking if your partner is avoiding closeness. Per the book, if your partner is prone to avoiding closeness, that tendency isn't likely to change. The communication tips these trolls are sharing here are gold. I'm trying my hand for the first time at a relationship with someone who also enjoys a lot of closeness and it is the bees knees. Near zero relationship anxiety for 4 months.
Your wife doesn't respect you, simple as that. The problem isn't her, its you. Do yourself a favor and read this book before you go see a divorce lawyer, trust me it WILL HELP.
You really should see a therapist brother. I think one on one in-person discussions with someone whose really well equipped to help you cope with your brokenness and anger would do a world of good.. with some consistent effort to talk it out on your part.
Some therapists suck.. but some don’t.. so I suggest looking until you find one that seems warm and down to earth (could be the first one you sit down with).
Whatever you choose to do, there’s definitely more emotions and personal history that needs to be addressed and come to peace with.
I wish you the absolute best of luck with everything.
Here’s a couple books that’ve helped me in the past (one about women specifically), maybe you read them and gain something, maybe you don’t. I’m sure not all of it’s applicable to your specific situation but I don’t really know what else to offer.
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty [link]
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life [link]
Peace and love for whatever you choose to do.
NTA - absolutely gotta trust your gut instinct on something like this- that's the crux of Gavin de Becker's fantastic book, The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Absolutely wouldn't spend any time alone with that cousin after something like that.
No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A Glover.
Let me get this straight. You have a master's degree and you're making six figures.
Your girlfriend is an unemployed couch surfing parasitic leech with barely a high school education, who spends all her time on her hobby which she never earns any money or considers charging people. Then bitches at you constantly about how she thinks your job is a joke, and other passive-agressive abuse.
The issue is you tried to turn a hustler into a housewife.
She's hustling you. 100%. She doesn't respect you because she has no respect, and more importantly you don't respect yourself.
The issue is you're a doormat with no ability to set boundaries.
A fantastic book that everyone should read: Feeling Good (the new mood therapy) by David Burns M.D. is all about this subject. It talks about bibliotherapy, therapy through reading self-help books, and cognitive practice, essentially, you are what you think.
If you can figure out your thoughts, and figure out why you're having these thoughts, you can work to change these thinking habits. Meditation is the authoritative tool for this in general, but the book has exercises and scientifically backed practices that have been proven to be just as if not more effective than drugs, and longer lasting. Check it out, it's worth your time.
I’m not a guy, sorry, but Mark Manson’s site PostMasculine always struck me as the least douchey of these types of things. His book Models seems to be well-received, too.
> Don't ever tell him you intend to leave until you are leaving and do so with people there who can assist you in leaving.
YES. There are more tips in this book, but OP, I would recommend you only get an electronic copy of this book (Kindle or on your computer desktop or whatever), so that he doesn't see it:
That book is a godsend. It talks about protecting yourself from both stranger violence and intimate violence. A random woman I met at a party once confided that it had saved her life. It also helped a friend of mine plan her divorce from her abusive husband.
Check out the book Feeling Good by David D. Burns. It's a pretty useful in identifying ways in which we can change the way we feel by changing our thoughts, among other things. It's helping me work out my anxiety/tendency to be depressed, ect.
There’s a book I like to recommend to young people called The Gift of Fear about how to recognize and protect yourself from violence. It covers lots of different topics from street stalking to relationship manipulation and domestic abuse and everything in between.
It also covers what you’re asking. In controlling and abusive relationships, yes there are signs, often from the start, but if you don’t recognize them or grew up in an abusive home they can be easy to miss. It’ll start really subtlety, and may even seem endearing, like maybe he wants you to call every night to check in or ‘wants to keep you all to himself’ and discouraged contact with friends or family. It’s a slow push over time of wearing down boundaries. Verbal abuse may start but it’ll often be followed up with apologies after, maybe even a treat. Same with physical abuse. Promises never to do it again. It “was just a bad day”. It escalates from there.
Her relationship likely didn’t start out with him being controlling. Also many people find having someone take charge comforting. I can see how someone could miss the signals that something is wrong.
To anyone wondering what's wrong with that message, I'd recommend reading Mark Manson's blog and his book, <em>Models: Attracting Women through Honesty</em>. Both elaborate extensively on strong boundries, being open and sincere about one's feelings (which Mark calls "vulnerability" — a misnomer, in my opinion) and the kinds of romantic relationships one could end up in, including abusive ones.
Just a friendly guy, minding his own business, lurking in the bushes, jumping out and hurrying to catch up with her and talk about bunnies, right? Nothing sus about that at all!
OP, always trust your gut instincts. Everyone should. The gift of fear.
My parents did the same thing. I had come out to them once before and then went back in the closet then came out to them again and then went public and full time within 2 months and I didn’t tell them beforehand that I was going to come out. Their response? “Well you should have told us so we could prepare people that we know”
It’s not their transition and they don’t need to prepare anyone. They are emotionally immature parents and you should read a book called:
It’s a really good read and will help you learn how to deal with them.
I was long time in a PUA community because I was interested in developing my social skills so I would be in better position in means of landing into a relationship. I was put off by the misogynistic and manipulative stuff but saw a lot of legit social psychology which was compatible with ethics behind other types of advice. There are a different levels there, "negging" and similar emotionally abusive tactics are considered to be a really low paradigm stuff and there are authors/PUAs like Mark Manson and David Deida. They promote a lot more wholesome PUA-culture that is based on developing yourself as a best version of yourself while renouncing emotional manipulation, misogyny and the whole egoic mindset common in PUA-circles.
I completely agree. OP, I highly recommend this book -- it has incredibly useful advice on how to deal with stalkers, harassers, etc.:
YTA - you're not entitled to financial aid from your son.
>Even though I cooked and cleaned and did everything for him, just because of this one thing
Wow you cooked and cleaned and provided for the child you chose to have? Look at you, doing what you're supposed to!
>Can I fix him?
That question says so much about you. I think you should buy this book for your son, he will probably find it helpful:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
The secure/secure attachment pairing is rare. Most of the attachment types can do okay when there is a secure type in the mix. The anxious-preoccupied and avoidant-dismissive and the avoidant-fearful and avoidant-dismissive pairings are fraught with conflict.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love
and Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
might be interesting books to you
> I treat and spoil my kids so much. I show them so much love, I do the same to my wife. But I feel totally ignored in terms of any of my own needs.
Let me translate this for you:
>I put everyones wants and needs above my own, teaching them that my wants and needs are less important then theirs
This is a dynamic you have actively built day after day and now you seemed surprised by it. You repeatedly CHOOSE to ignore your own wants and needs and then wonder why they aren't being met. Make different choices and things will look a lot different.
You can see/make friends, you can go do things you want to do, but you choose not to because you value your wife's happiness above your own. Not surprisingly her and the kids have adopted the same mindset, where their happiness carries more value then your own.
Pick up a hobby/interest and get out and do something a few hours each week.
Plan activities and invite the family, go even if they choose not to join.
There are a million ways you can start putting yourself first without being disrespectful. Will your wife like it all the time? No. But using that as your primary decision making factor has gotten you to where you are now.
read that book as a start
Curious if this has effected your sex life yet? Do you have the frequency and quality of sex you would like?
NTA, I suspect your mom is fundamentally emotionally immature.
This book is a life saver:
For me, this one did the trick or at least made me understand
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Before we got married, my wife had two "stalkers" like this. Annoying, creepy, but nothing criminal. One had a traumatic brain injury and the other guy had a different disorder. Subtle hints that she was not interested did nothing. She never tried the direct approach, and I'm not sure that it would have worked. Cognitive dissonance was big with these guys.
Gavin de Becker is a security expert, and in his book he says many of these types of guys are clueless, but harmless. Of course, some cross the line to harmful. His recommendation was to starve the stalker of any attention until they shifted their focus elsewhere. He found that threats or restraining orders were counter productive in most situations.
As someone who overcame severe depression and was on 200mg of Zoloft at one point in my life...you need to get professional help for yourself. First and foremost: take care of YOU. You won't be able to help dogs until you help yourself and you need to do it because YOU ARE WORTH THAT.
That doesn't mean quit Wag. That means prioritizing you so you can work as you get better (and work on yourself). The only thing that helped me was therapist who specialized in depression, anxiety, and PTSD (my issues). Here is a book that helped me (used in conjunction with therapy- it is somewhat of a workbook since it has exercises):
I would still walk dogs as I got help as it's good for you to make money to help support yourself and it's good to get outside and not lock yourself up indoors (makes your depression worse). The exercise and dogs will help. I would place that second to the therapy. Focus should be on that. It isn't hopeless. It feels hopeless because that's what depression does. If you have supportive family, reach out to them too.
FWIW, that lady is a bitch. Don't worry about her. She doesn't matter and she is probably miserable in her own life. I'm sensitive too, but just let it go and if it helps wish her to get hemorrhoids (I do this for fellow assholes I encounter..makes me feel better anyway lol)
There is a great book about this. The Power of Habit. I recommend it for someone that is trying to understand why you can’t stop doing dumb shit you know is bad for you.
Rule #2 in Jordan Paterson's book 12 Rules of Life:
>Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping
I suggest OP reads the book if he hasn't already.
A book that really helped me break out of this is Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. Stick with it despite initial impressions and it has a very good chance of helping you as well.
And yes, I've been able to quit after heavy heavy use. You can PM me with ANY questions, vent sessions, whatever. Hit me up and I'll respond as soon as I can. (Should be pretty quick, but prob not immediately.)
To anyone dealing with parents like this, I recommend this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
It helped me recognize all the different behaviors that are related and validated to me that I wasn't crazy thinking their behavior was harmful. It also has some advice about how to protect yourself and maintain (or not) a relationship with someone like that.
Holy shit this has more red flags than a communist propaganda parade.
This guy is abusive and controlling. You may not see it yet because it’s early and I’m sure he has also been fun/sweet/a good time/whatever. But his reaction to you being proactive in sex is a ‘fuck that nuke this asshole from orbit’ situation.
Who in gods green hell gets mad at you’ve sex partner shifting or helping to become more accessible? Does he prefer fucking starfish corpses? That he is getting irrationally angry about you offering a helping hand or shifting position is just so fucked up I can’t even fathom.
Also the comment about you being loose is bullshit and has r/badwomensanatomy written all over it.
There’s a book I like to recommend to young women, I think you should check it out too called The Gift of Fear it’s about how to recognize when you might be in danger, how to identify if someone has abusive or manipulative tendencies, how to trust your gut (we women often ignore and second guess our instincts). It’s an easy read and will give you a lot of food for thought.
I’m sorry this happened to you. This wasn’t your fault. Do not for the love of all things that are good go back to him. He’s an asshole.
Most people are too picky and self absorbed to be in a relationship. Relationships involve a lot of giving and a lot less taking than the rabidly individualist culture we have moved into. I doubt its a vancouver specific thing.
I recommend reading a book called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" [link]
which explains pretty well why people are often not compatible with eachother and yet constantly seek out these same sorts of incompatible people. Break the cycle!
> and THEN when he starts touching me, it actually feels repulsive.
HUGE. Red. Flag.
These types of issues at only 3 months into the relationship, I'd move on to someone more compatible.
You're not LL, you're just LL for him.
You're not sexually attracted to him, and the Pursuer-Distancer pattern you have going on between you is killing off any remaining desire you have for him.
You're just not compatible sexually.
You both deserve to be with someone who is HL for you.
Edit: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love can help you avoid an anxious-preoccupied partner in the future
I can’t speak to the processing on your own as I’m terrible at that, but I can recommend a book that may help. It’s incredibly dense and you’ll likely have to piecemeal reading but it’s a fantastic resource.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Best of luck
Nope, had some anxiety (because of heart palpitations) and doctor suggested talking to a psychologist and oh hey we have one right here. Garden variety behavioral therapy.
No one mentioned it was $1000 an hour until I got a bill 2 months later.
The only memorable thing I got out of it was a recommendation for a book: [link] which appears to be the beginner's guide to do-it-yourself cognitive behavior therapy.
I'll second that, and add that porn can be not only an addiction but also a habit, which means that there are hacks you can implement to short-circuit the cue/craving/response/reward cycle that leads to porn consumption and addiction. For example if you notice that you tend to consume porn when you are working alone and feeling lonely (the cue), then when you notice the craving start you can choose a different behavior --- call up someone for a conversation, or just immediately pack up and head to a public space to continue working where you can be around other people.
I highly recommend as a first step to read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg and/or Atomic Habits by James Clear ad keep "the pornography habit" in mind when you do. Either of those two books will be of help to you in a larger sense as you progress toward your goals.
There’s a book called The Gift of Fear that goes into detail about how to identify and protect yourself from violence. It’s an easy read & what you’re talking about is one of the things that’s covered.
Just read this:
Amazon.fr - The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and ...
They took the whole structure from there. Then use anything you want to follow the habit.
Jesus Christ. Who are you, Winston Smith? Let go of that fatalist attitude. It won't get you anywhere, except more depressed. Regardless of when you die, there's nothing you can do about time passed, so where's the sense in fretting over it? In addition to the advice I posted separately, I recommend reading some literature on changing your mindset. "Feeling Good" by David Burns is a good one. It costs $6 on amazon.
Yes. The thing is, it's not real anymore. It hasn't been real since it ended. It only lives now in your head.
Now is the only thing that's real.
I strongly recommend Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now.
Das war glaub der Sympathischste Text den ich jeh gelesen hab.
Ich kenn Dich nicht, aber ich würd Dich total gerne in Ruhe lassen und mit zuhenem Mund kauen, damit Du nen guten Tag hast.
Ich hoffe ehrlich Du packst den ganzen Scheiß.
Btw.: wenn Du Dir wirklcih oft Vorwürfe machst, check mal das Buch hier. Ist zwar offiziell zur Hilfe bei Depressionen, hat mir aber vorrangig geholfen mir nicht immer Selbstforwürfe zu machen und mich nicht vor mir selbst schlecht zu reden. Ich weiß, ich weiß, Selbsthilfebücher, aber für mich wars echt gut.
People who perv in public rely on the victim and the people around them to not want to make s scene, embarrass themselves or others, or for women to come off like a bitch.
If in public and this happens, cause a scene. Yell that he’s harassing you and that he’s making you afraid. If on the street, go to any store and find an employee and ask for help. The more people around you the better it is. Say loudly what he’s trying to do. This is also true if you’re being groped in public. By calling him out and announcing what he’s about he is more likely to leave. These people don’t want attention drawn on what they are doing.
If in private, do whatever you can to get away from the situation safely.
There’s a book I like to recommend called The Gift of Fear that deals with situations like this. It’s thick but an easy read and available in audio book form. It goes over how to recognize and deal with dangerous situations and abusive relationships. It may help you
you can still be happy and deaf.
if it s possible , i recommend go to psychologist who is expert for cognitive-behaviour therapy.
if not u can always benefit from the book below.just not read it like a novel, use it like an exercise book. do everything it says.
I sure do! This book is a great resource and goes into quite a bit of detail about attachment science and how it can affect adult relationships. If I recall correctly, it also includes self-assessments (I read it a few years ago).
On a related note, I wholeheartedly and emphatically cannot recommend this book enough to anyone who is, has been, or might one day like to be in a romantic relationship. John Gottman is a researcher at the University of Washington and basically the Einstein of relationship science. His algorithm can predict whether any given couple will divorce with something like 90% certainty. Don't let the title fool you -- this book dispenses extremely helpful advice for dealing with people in close interpersonal relationships regardless of whether you're married, dating, or just good friends.
Some of it is instincts coming from senses you don't normally pay attention to in modern society. Like smelling aggressive pheromones on someone, or maybe aggressive body language that you cant put a label on, but 2 million years of primate instinct are telling you something's wrong. THis is the gut feeling, the old part of the brain screaming at you to pay attention, were about to get killed but we don't know why.
Also, they have found that the gut has a massive nerve ganglion thing going on, almost a second brain, so it might literally be your gut telling you something.
>She needs to change her name and disappear while he's out of the country. He sounds like the kind of guy to kill her or the baby out of revenge.
Yes, seriously. This is one of those rare situations where that's absolutely what you need to do. It's hard to get courts to deny visitation to a parent, and if he has visitation he's going to drive your child around without buckling him in. And much more to the point, someone this crazy and controlling is exactly the kind of person who ends up murdering his family.
OP, check to see if your state's law or the law of any state you might consider moving to allows people to change their names without a public announcement of it. California does in cases of domestic abuse (for instance: [link]). Also, get a passport for your baby and keep it somewhere he can't get it (the ideal spot is a safe deposit box at a bank). Changing a baby's name without the other parent's consent or knowledge is probably impossible unless there's some forgery involved, but at least with a passport you could potentially flee.
See if your library has this book, or order it from Amazon -- it has literally saved many women's lives: [link]
I know I sound like a broken record but here are my thoughts. I have been married for 25 years. The first 23 sucked because I tried to tell her what she wanted to hear and not the truth. Once again I am going to recommend the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. All Men are taught at an early age to please women, Mother, Then all female teachers and so on it has been this way since the early 60's when male role models disappeared and the rise of the divorced single mom.
The first 23 years of my marriage we spent trying to keep the peace and if I had to lie to do it that was fine. The problem was no one respects a wimp that lies about everything and kisses everyone's ass. After reading the book (its also on audio) I started being honest no matter who got pissed off. My wife could now rely on me giving her the truth. Yes that outfit makes you look fat, Yes you are being a bitch. When this honesty comes out, women will be upset and pissed off but later they will respect you for telling them. For the women who walk away.... Let them....
By being honest with my wife, and I have told her how close I was to walking out on her, How I feel when shes a bitch.... we have had some major come to Jesus meetings. Today I get laid more that I ever did by her in my 40's and 30's. Their is more peace in my home because when something is bugging me its addressed and worked out.
If I was young again I would either go MGTOW or I would be very very careful who I chose to fuck with and start a relationship with. Plus for you young guys its so much fun to just speak your mind, Call bullshit when you hear it and let women know that you could careless if they are mad at you.
This book is not about hating Women.... I would say its more a guide for going from a blue pill simp to a 100% male red pill guy
That's emotional blackmail girlfriend.
Read that link, and then read everything else on that site.
You were not leading him on. He was leading you on. He was leading you on with lies about cutting, with declarations you were his only friend, with manipulation, wheedling, whining, putting himself first before you, and all his other blackmailing antics.
Does he need help? Absolutely. Are you a trained adult mental health professional? Fuck no. Does he know that? Of course he did.
Like you said, he was a lying, manipulative, using jerk. He can be that and still be in need of mental health services. One of these things does not make the other any less true.
Good on you for blocking, getting out, telling friends, and telling your story here.
Needy, manipulative, users will use good people against themselves. That is not the good person's fault.
Get on Amazon, order this book, and read it cover to cover. As a good person and a girl, it can save your life. Even if your future is with other girls. It has saved mine.
Now that you have this experience, you have a set of warning signs and red flags to look for in the future. And you will not tolerate emotional blackmail ever again.
I don't care if 99% of candied apples don't have razor blades in them; if there's a 1% chance I'll get one with a razor blade in them, then that's going to dictate my relationship with new candied apples. Making me feel guilty about the 99% of candied apples that are totally safe doesn't convince me.
Speaking as a man, if a woman is uncomfortable being alone with a man she doesn't know, then frankly I think she's being smart. I don't give a flying fuck about a good guy's hurt feelings. Rape and assault, unfortunately, are pretty common, and bad guys act like good guys as though it were their job. Let's act that way.
If a woman can't form friendly relationships with any men at all, then that is a different problem. However, if we're talking about strangers, then yeah. Listen to your gut and don't be alone with them.
By the way, along these lines, I would recommend a book called The Gift of Fear.
I would first try to think about why someone would have such an obsession. Is it boredom? Is it a form of validation? What is the reason(s) for it?
Once the person thinks about the potential causes, they can take the next step and see what strategies there are for addressing the issues involved. For instance, if it's boredom, then the person better get their ass moving and start a hobby or get involved with groups/activities/etc. If it's constantly seeking validation then they should seeing therapist for a few sessions to talk it out or to read a book such as https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0380810336/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0
Gotta figure out what the root causes are.
1- Arrume um emprego - vai conhecer pessoas, ganhar seu salario, e conhecer mais de si mesmo sobre que tipo de trabalho você quer fazer pro resto da sua vida ou não. Se não gostou do que trabalhou, mude. Ou, se não gosta mas paga bem e é algo suportável, fique. Essa história de trabalho dos sonhos é utopia. Você não precisa necessariamente amar seu trabalho, você pode gostar bastante do salário deste trabalho e as coisas que este salário te proporciona fazer, como viagens etc... Basta não ser um trabalho que te deixe louco por você odiá-lo.
2- Vá pra uma academia e cuide de sua aparência - vai melhorar sua auto estima
3- Faça algum esporte que goste ou tem interesse em fazer - outra boa forma de conhecer pessoas e criar amizades
Enfim, foque no seu desenvolvimento pessoal e social, não tem como você conhecer pessoas, ter amigos, conhecer potenciais namoradas sem sair de casa.
Also, leia este livro:
Veja os vídeos dele, é um psicólogo professor da universidade de toronto e um cara muito foda que ja me esclareceu muita coisa.
Acredito que falta pouco tempo pra chegar o traduzido.
Maybe not what you were asking for but my 2c, I think you should read this book - Easy Way to Stop Smoking
I smoked for about 20 years. A friend told me, "read the book, you'll think it's a POS, and that the guy is an ass, but you won't smoke again". He was right, 18 years and counting, without any cravings. I've suggested it to several others who've had the same experience. Nothing magical, it just reframes how you think about smoking.
The book is well known in the UK, less so here. About the author
Try giving him this book:
You may have to bargain to have him read it, but it’s a first step.
But yeah, he has to decide to quit on his own.
Absolutely second this, it is a great book for young women especially. Gavin de Becker will explain in more detail what I was trying to say in my comment above, about how our instincts work and what we need to pay attention to.
Amazon has a Look Inside on the book, so you can get a feel for what he can teach you:
Just looked it up on Amazon. Wow. Will do!
I saw this elsewhere on this sub, and burned through the audiobook in less than a week. It is about an 8 hour listen, and you can skip the first chapter, which is just the author talking about what has gone on from one book revision to the next.
I was absolutely floored by how much the thing resonates with me. The chapters wind up offset. The audiobook chapter one is the rehash I mentioned, chapter 2 is a preface, and chapter 3 is chapter 1. Audiobook chapter 2 and the first five minutes of chapter 3 just had me nailed to the wall, not to mention the relationship to my wife. If you have amazon prime, the audiobook is free if you log in with your amazon credentials:
No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life [link]
Be warned - it isn’t comfortable to listen to. A whole lot of introspection comes up from it.
EDIT - another warning, it can be a bit sexist in places, but being wrongheaded in one place doesn’t invalidate his points as a whole. Try to be open-minded going in.
i've been meaning to read this book that i was getting recommended on reddit a long time ago, i think it's finally time that i read it [link]
This book changed my life. A great guide for people who struggle with pleasing others, especially men. In my late twenties I woke up one day realizing I hated my life, and that I was because I would give up what I wanted to make other people happy.
Long story short I learned:
Absolutely life changing.
I feel you! I have family a lot like this. I am not exactly sure if they are narcissists, but there is definitely a lot of emotional immaturity. The lack of just understanding emotions makes meaningful relationships and conversations really hard. Also, they just don't understand sarcasm whatsoever. I just ordered this book after reading about it in another post, maybe it sounds interesting to you, too [link]
Her name is Lindsay Gibson and she is awesome! Her son is a Redditor and sent my thanks to her and she wrote the sweetest response to me! I wish she was my (mom) therapist!
NTA oh honey. Your parents are shitty. Buy this book.
haha sorry, i am not good at explaining things. but the tl;dr is everyone has voids, some fill those with good things, some fill those with bad things.
CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy. it is the most "common" type of talk therapy. it's very validating. instead of telling you that your feelings are wrong and you're inherently flawed or whatever, a good practitioner will help you recognize your feelings, acknowledge them, but also help you know which ones are distorted reality. a good example of a cognitive distortion would be this:
"i failed a class this semester and therefore i am stupid and will never make anything of myself and will be doomed to work in menial dead end jobs for the rest of my life."
"my significant other broke up with me therefore i am ugly and unlovable and no one will ever care about me."
it's silly and untrue. failing one class doesn't make you a failure, and it doesn't ruin your life. getting dumped doesn't make you unlovable.
but, cognitive distortions can ruin us and cause us to grasp desperately at things to fill our voids, or do really shitty harmful things.
here is a REALLY AWESOME online CBT program. it's a little confusing to look at, to be honest. but it's wonderful, and it's free. it is a time investment. you must be dedicated to it, but i highly suggest signing up and at least poking around. i think if you can dedicate an hour a day it may be beneficial for you and give you a taste of CBT.
another resource that i can not speak enough of is "feeling good" by dr. david burns. it's an amazing book. it's 8 bucks on amazon and is something i feel everyone should own because it's also useful for everyday stressors.
I listened to it as an audiobook first which I actually liked a lot, since my library had the audiobook for free on the phone app. Then I bought it so I could take notes, look at the charts, and take the quizzes in the book. $9 for my used Amazon copy, $13 new
It's not only about the "avoidant" people, also has good segments on people who are more "anxious" about relationships, overthinking things, caught up in small details, wanting constant communication, etc.
Yes. From what we know about BPD, it's partially onset by a genetic factor of higher emotions than most people. What completes the onset is being raised in an emotionally invalidating environment. Abuse or neglect of our (high) emotional needs can very well stunt your emotional growth into full on BPD.
You mention your parents a lot. This book is free to read on Amazon Prime and it's wonderfully insightful to what you may have experienced with the parental situation you're describing.
I've been reading this book: [link]
It tells how our "externalizer" immature parents expect us to make them feel better. They are self-involved. How they turn us to "internalizers" who always feel like there is something wrong with them. End we end up finding other externalizers in life.
So this "externalizer vs internalizer" dynamic start in the family.
Who expects it from you? Your siblings? or your aunts and uncles?
Not a substitute for therapy but the book "Feeling Good" is also a great help.
The key to CBT is consistency though. If you try it and gain perspective from it, don't put it down thinking you're cured. You need to revisit these ideas regularly or your brain will keep playing tricks on you.
I recommend every single man on this planet to read it. It was one of the most eye opening books I've ever read and completely changed how I saw the world and myself. Sure, there's a few attributes that didn't quite fit for me, but on the few that did, I just paused and was absolutely shooketh.
If anyone here has even an inkling that they might have some Nice Guy tendencies, please please please buy it. You will not regret it. I wish I read this book when I was 18 or so, but what's done is done. I'm glad with where I'm at right now and that's partially due to this book. Read it.
Here, I even got the amazon link ready for you. [link]
Edit: Oh and make sure you actually do the exercises that he asks you to do. Just like with Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends, it becomes pretty obvious when a reader actually follows the instructions as asked
Learn to read people and trust your instincts, it will go far to help you stay away from the scammers and the sketchballs.
One thing that helped me immensely was reading "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker: [link]
Get cash up front before hooking up. "No romance without finance."
Don't suffer fools, don't take checks, don't mess around with cashapp or zelle or whatever.
Know your limits, be assertive, don't be scared to bluntly state your needs and most importantly cut people off when they aren't giving you good vibes or delivering on their promises.
You're gonna need a thick skin to thrive in this game. <3 xx
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Your parents may not be as bad as the ones in the book, but the boundaries work just as well.
You’ve already done a service by explaining to him some reasons behind the break-up. At this point it’s more important to take care of yourself.
You should seek professional help for the self harm, but also checkout the book, “feeling good” the new mood therapy by David D. Burns, M.D. Amazon has a feel sample
Also heres an episode of the Multiamory podcast directly related to break-up that I’ve found very helpful myself.
70 - Polyamorous Breakups
NTA you may want to read this: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198 The Gift of Fear. Your gut and subconscious is telling you something and you need to listen.
NTA, sounds like your dad is abusive and your mom is passively too by enabling his behavior. I think this book will help you! Its life changing.