The best Personality Disorders books: Reddit reviews

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

Has your mom shown signs of BPD before?

Edit: after reading more comments, your mom really sounds like she’s got borderline personality disorder.

I really recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells.

The word "borderline" means the border between psychosis and neurosis.

The NIMH definition is accurate, but doesn't ELI5 as you're requesting. Based on the book I link to below, and I can tell you also from my first hand experience, that BPD has roots in feeling worthless. Behavior which can be seen as damaging or uncomfortable or abusive, can also be explained as someone with BPD having an overwhelming need to be perceived as having worth. It's not just being "evil" or "manipulative", there's a reason WHY the behavior occurs. The mindset is closer to: "You're wrong, you aren't hurt by me. I can't have hurt you, because if I did then I was wrong, and if I was wrong you won't love me, and if you don't love me I'm worthless and will be abandoned. So I didn't hurt you, you are not hurt, because I can't be revealed to be worthless." Something like that.

I STRONGLY recommend you read the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells", which describes BPD through the lens of the family and friends of those who suffer from it. It makes it much easier to identify, and to understand the difference between "high functioning" and "low functioning" BPD.

Also, it's worth noting that BPD is often diagnosed alongside narcissistic personality disorder, they amplify each other in some ways.

I hope this helps.

I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828

It might help to understand how a person can “fake” human emotions when deep inside they lack empathy etc..

It’s creepy to encounter people who operate like this.. it’s like the wolf in sheeps clothing.

I’d really like this workbook focused on people with borderline personality disorder. It’s a recent diagnosis I’ve been struggling with and would like to be able to work on creating healthier skills outside of therapy. What a great thing to offer people! link to book

I started Dialectical Behavior Therapy when my PTSD got unmanageable and it really helped. I like this workbook because it lets me do work to get better even when I am between therapists.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684034582/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_cKDgFbXXCR9A6

> but soon it went the way of her repeating all the things I've done wrong and how shitty I treated her.

If you're so shitty why hasn't she left you yet? It's a valid question.

I agree with u/Toodark2read that you need marriage counseling - maybe a different counselor - a neutral 3rd party so your efforts don't keep ending up as a weekly dump session for your wife.

The counselor you are currently seeing may not be a good fit for both of you.

The incident with her smashing the bowl is concerning. You have listened to her and her needs for a couple of weeks now. Why are you not able to share any thoughts without her escalating into violence?

> How can I have a functioning marriage when I'm walking on eggshells not knowing when she'll blow up?

Get yourself a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder regardless of whether she has a Dx for those or not, because the situation is pretty much the same - you're going out of your to avoid upsetting her, and her reaction is not proportional to the actual situation.

O H H E L L Y E S T H E R E I S: https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901.
This was was the first book I read after I came to terms with being NPD. This book does not apply to all narcissists, but it is certainly one of the ways narcissism develops. This is a turning point for you, good job and keep it up.

"if I’m not special, I’m worthless and purposeless" is really good insight and something I dealt with a lot too. Feeling like your "normal" has to be "ultra". You're "normal" has to be "special", and anything less feels like death. You have to win at every video game. Your partner has to be the hottest. You have to have the best job/grades, score the most goals/point, have the nicest mind/greatest body! Because you, well you're special!!

It takes a lot of time to learn to drop these expectations, because you don't know how to feel good about yourself without them but paradoxically the weight of them is so much to bear. But once you drop them, tell the world to fuck off, embrace your authentic self even when it means you're nothing special, you will finally find a peaceful existence.

Hi! I'm sorry to hear about your struggle, it sounds like you're going through a lot of emotions related to her.

The go to treatment for people with bpd is dialectical behavioral therapy, or otherwise known as DBT. I very much recommend that you try to get your daughter into a DBT program. As for how to deal with her, I think the validation section of the dbt workbook would be incredibly helpful for you, and also interpersonal skills such as SET and DEAR MAN.

Best of luck to you and your daughter!

Oh yeah, this has poor self-care written all over it. He’s repressing a lot of pent up shit to be more “Domly”, and the dynamic doesn’t lend itself well to a Dom that needs therapy, because therapy requires a level of vulnerability you can’t really access in that mental state. I’d suggest buying a DBT workbook

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245131/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_xmB2Bb0VBXTDT

Or looking for free at some of the DBT practice at ilovedbt.com

It helps a lot with self-care practices involving very intense emotional reactions, and it’s cheaper than seeing a therapist. Plus, it can be tough finding the right therapist anyway.

I’m a Dom myself, and I can tell you that it works. The toxic shame is so draining, and he’d be much healthier and happier letting it go, because the deed has been done. There’s no “de-kinkifying” oneself. What gets us off is what gets us off. Good luck!

>I really don't know what I am doing wrong. She makes me out to be a sex-crazed monster when all I want is to have an intimate moment with my partner.

You probably arent doing anything "wrong". Abusers know what you want and withhold that from you to gain a position of power and control over you. To make you change and behave how they want you to behave in order to get to the goal post, then they move the posts. Its part of how the cycle of abuse works. And why its more like brainwashing and conditioning.

You cant change her. You cant make her trauma better. The only person that can do that is her. She has to take responsibility and accountability for her actions. I would recommend that you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. It can help you to understand the way she is treating you is because of her not because of your actions or choices. That you are being used as a punching bag for how she feels. And you cant make that stop. You cant control that. You cant fix her. Love does not fix people. They have to take responsibility for themselves. Its the only way that works. And it takes time. I know thats now what we want. And its not fair, really, that a victim has to go through this part too, but trauma has to be treated like any other condition.

Buy this and read it https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

Arguing with a bpd doesn't lead anywhere. There is no reason for you to fight for a full week. Seriously, read the book. Then decide what you want to do. You deserve better.

1. Read or listen to this book about managing difficult people (ignore the subtitle, it's relevant to managing any asshole): https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

2. Call a lawyer and meet with him or her ASAP to understand your options, rights, and responsibilities before you make any big moves (or not) - maybe you can get an appointment today to get a quick lay of the land

3. Consider counselling for yourself. You deserve a talk with someone who will listen with empathy and keep you on track to respecting yourself and demanding respect from others

EDIT: Excuse me OP, I just noticed that your username is jnmil3. I haven't looked at your post history but if by any chance that stands for just no mother in law 3, consider that there might be a good chance your husband has a personality disorder. If your husband has been birthed and raised by someone in cluster B, he might be genetically predisposed to cluster B himself, and it's hard to come out of that emotionally/mentally unscathed. I urge you to read the book I suggested.

PS: I love the flair on this post.

She does exhibit some borderline traits. Amd gear of abandonment is a big one. A reaction that is exaggerated for the situation (like 500 angry text messages bc of 1 missed call.)

Keeping your boundaries firm is important. DBT is great for Borderline. It was created by a therapist who was diagnosed as Borderline.

Here's a self help workbook based on DBT strategies. Might help you cope. Hopefully, you can get her to see a psychiatrist if she isn't already.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, ... (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684034582/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_R9734HGECMVJJ46T0S6N

Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

By Paul Mason https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_3B4yCbRTD0CR3

Read this if you haven't, it will help a little bit: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

It's quite sad for them. There's no denying that. They never asked to have that disorder.

A "successful relationship" with a pwBPD means a calm one, extraordinarily rarely does it mean a supportive romantic partnership. Is that what you're wanting for the rest of your life, to take care of someone who is ill while never having your needs met? Whether you would say yes or no, I'd highly recommend reading this book, which will help you set the necessary boundaries to have a baseline relationship:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321/

I didn't expect this thread to generate this much thoughtful commentary and soul-searching, so I'll share this here: if you're curious about BPD, or trying to understand someone close to you who has BPD, this is the book my therapist gave me that is really changing my life right now. It's written for everyday people who aren't well-versed in psychology and it spends a great deal of time explaining the disorder, explaining how the disorder can impact loved ones, and explaining how to set boundaries and mend your wounds.

Yup, it's just a form of therapy that helps think us dialectically and improves social relationships. Not adhd specific, but it definitely helped me with the stuff that I developed over the years that my adhd didn't help. I didn't do it with a therapist, because of coronavirus but a therapist probs could teach you all of it in a few sessions. This was the book I bought:

DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_a40eFbMF03PEF

It can be helpful to know simply because it gives you a course of action that would be the most successful way to handle things. And even if you don’t have one, dbt skills can help. Check out a green book called the dbt workbook - it helps with interpersonal skills and setting healthy boundaries.

Are you an only child? Because I am, and so I was both the Golden Child and the Scapegoat with my Nmom. I too have good memories of my mom doing things with me, but now I question if she did those things to make herself look good or because she wanted someone to tag along, not because she was doing anything nice for me. And despite what good memories I have, all of the bad outweighs it now, so I cut her out. I don’t hate my mom, but I really don’t like her and it’s much better for my well being to have her cut out of my life. It’s so hard reconciling good memories with how she really is, and I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact I don’t have a loving mom because everyone wants to have a loving, supportive mom, but my life is better without her in it. I recommend reading ‘Will I Ever be Good Enough?’, a book written by a psychologist about women with narcissistic moms. https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

I would do it and then bring the things to my partner and talk about it

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, ... (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684034582/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_10R20FYHY2EAF0JHV6RF

You gray rock... And you talk to a lawyer instead of a therapist. I also highly recommend (really highly) the book "stop caretaking the borderline..." https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

It will allow you to understand the dynamics.

This is how:

https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828

As a society, we don't discuss it - the fact that around 20% of the people around us are sociopaths of one form or another - because honestly, it would lead to some very uncomfortable truths that we can't adult about.

Instead, we say things like "oh, he's just a bit eccentric" or "she likes the drama" - instead of doing what we should be doing about the problem, which is honestly discussing it and figuring out how to fix it, or at least make it less of a societal issue.

Bipolar and BPD have similarities but they’re not the same - I’d recommend doing some research on them, and seeing where you might be measuring up. Instant mood shifts and what you’re describing as “splitting” are both symptoms of BPD, if this has been a reoccurring issue with you (as you’ve said it is) then that’s just a bit frustrating if your therapist is brushing your concerns off.

I’d also suggest looking into DBT therapy - if you’re not interested in sessions (individual or group) or can’t afford them (it’s unfortunately expensive) then definitely consider picking up a workbook for yourself. I’ve found the McKay workbook the most helpful personally.

I have pretty awful parents. I no longer have a relationship with my mother. This book has been very helpful and explaining my dad’s role in it. this book

Look for a dialectical behavioral therapist or group, especially one who is qualified to help you learn distress tolerance techniques. There are also self help workbooks for this type of therapy on Amazon. This one is basically the same content my past DBT group worked on.

First of all: cover your ass. Record and document. If she is abusive now, it will be way worse once she knows you are really going through with the divorce so get ready for her to dysregulate (ie: go crazy)

Second: if you think that "oh she is a good mom" and "she isn't always that bad", once you divorce and for months after, your brain will seem to rewire itself and the past won't be as rosy.. you were basically living in fog (fear, obligation, guilt)

Give this book a read, it will confirm what you intend to do: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

The book "splitting" by Bill eddy is also worth it

DO NOT fall in her trap where she tries to be nice and all at first, she is likely trying to screw you over. She likely has a bit of NPD as well, this covers it https://youtu.be/7vxSxa967BA

If she ever hits you (or harasses you, death threats, ..), try to have evidence and definitely file a police report. You'll hopefully get a restraining order which will help you keep your sanity.

She would not hesitate to throw you under the bus. Cover your ass and do what you need to do.

Be there for the kids. They'll also realise how toxic the household was but it may take them a few months. The mom won't help because she will paint you black but eventually it will work out and they will finally have some stability in their lives.

That shows how it was purely manipulation.

I say cover your ass: record and document. She will only escalate once she realises that you are really done. Mine ended up assaulting me at my workplace... same age as yours. Pretty messed up. She was not violent before. I say read the book "Splitting" by bill eddy and this one https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

I noticed that every time I was away from the house for >24 hrs I was happier. I then realized that I dreaded coming home and whatnot and things fell in place in my mind. Got fed up and said I want a divorce.. shit hit the fan. Suicide threats, cops at my house a bunch of times, children's aid society involvement, hospitalization in the psych ward, she assaulted me at my workplace and ended up with a no contact order but she breached her conditions, ..

Then it clicked over time. All the little episodes that had happened in the previous 19 years. Tantrums here and there. I read that book and it opened my eyes even more: https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321 I was just a caretaker and was being abused by someone with BPD/NPD. I should have clued in when she told me "Watch out if you ever leave me, it will be like a tornado".

Here's one! You can potentially find past editions for even less money. Also, check out bookfinder.com for other sellers with potentially lower prices, discounted older editions, charitable uses for funds generated by sales, etc.