Well, you’re not alone here. Talking about sex with their kids is one of the most terrifying things for parents! And…had you rather her learn from porn or from friends telling dirty jokes? The average age of first hard core porn exposure is 8 years old so it is never too early to start talking to your little ones about healthy sex and sexuality. The key is to bring it up in a casual way, like you’d talk about anything else. There are loads of books that can help you as well.
Well, you’re not alone here. Talking about sex with their kids is one of the most terrifying things for parents! And…had you rather her learn from porn or from friends telling dirty jokes? The average age of first hard core porn exposure is 8 years old so it is never too early to start talking to your little ones about healthy sex and sexuality. The key is to bring it up in a casual way, like you’d talk about anything else. There are loads of books that can help you as well. This one may be help This one may be helpful for your older daughter: https://www.amazon.com/Celebrate-Your-Body-Its-Changes/dp/164152166X/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=how+to+talk+about+sex+with+kids&qid=1624893108&sr=8-5 Lean into embarrassment and talk to her about sex in the same way you wish your Dad had chatted about it with you when you were 12! If you open the door to the discussion, she’ll be coming back to you when she has questions…which is far preferable than her searching for answers online.
No reason to have your wife do the heavy lifting here. ;-)
The University of MN is extremely liberal and there's been a growing anti-Christian bias. They're the same people who printed <em>Harmful To Minors</em>, a book where the author argues for parents to step aside with sex education and promote childhood sexuality.
Have you ever read Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa? It's really interesting! It's obviously eating disorder focused but it talks about Victorian Munchies like you mentioned.
Since you set it up, I highly recommend the book "Why are the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?"
I read Fasting Girls and it's a fascinating read, how EDs have been around basically forever but have been attributed to different things over the years (God, lesbianism, mental illness, femininity or lack of it etc etc). It also came out in the 90s so I'm sure there's been tons of new research since then. Oh but wait the act of that author writing that book somehow created EDs, or something...
I haven't gotten to it yet but this book is on my Amazon wishlist. I'm a women's health researcher and I love learning about cultural perceptions of disease. (Fun fact, "teratology" or the study of birth defects, comes from a word meaning "a sign sent by the gods" which is why some cultures believe they're a curse and others believe they're a blessing!)
u/Sophiadaputa, it's unlikely that anyone will be able do this question justice of AskReddit on all places. I would recommend reading this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617
It's by a Black developmental psychologist and includes descriptions of how White, Black, and other racial/ethnic/cultural identities develop in the U.S. As usual, reading a book is probably the best way to get a real answer.
Not economic but you did say social: https://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465060684
It does a decent job of going over racism, microaggressions, why people self-segregate, and can pretty easily be applied to any other oppressed group.
I disagree. Yes, EDs existed way back when, I’ve read Joan Jacob Brumberg’s book twice and it’s incredible. But there’s a reason the number of cases of AN skyrocketed in the 1960’s, with the rise of Twiggy and “thin is in.” I’ve been researching EDs for decades and have talked to SO MANY people who’ve said that their EDs started with a weight loss diet. Yes, it becomes (or always was) something else, like a need for control, a form of SH, a coping mechanism, a form of suicide, etc, but for many, many, many people, it starts with wanting to lose weight or being teased about their weight (even jokingly like “hey there, thunder thighs!”), which triggers deliberate weight loss.
EDs are so complicated and multifaceted. People have developed them for a variety of non-diet reasons, like the commenters here have said. Hell, the COVID pandemic had people develop EDs for the first time because of food insecurity, trauma, isolation, etc. Numerous people developing EDs for non-diet reasons doesn’t change the study result that showed that among 14-15 year olds, dieting was the most important predictor of ED development and that the girls who dieted moderately were 5x more likely to develop an ED.
I hate diet culture because of how it helps lead to EDs (sole cause? No, I said “helps lead to”) and how it makes recovery SO much harder, like someone mentioned. Would people completely stop developing EDs if diet culture ended tomorrow? No, but there would be a definite decrease. There’s a reason why ED specialists hate diet culture: because they see, day in and day out, one client after another, how diet culture contributes to the development, severity and maintenance of eating disorders.
It's from "What's Happening To Me?"
My parents gave me this book when I was about 11, and even at that age I knew this was a piece of advice which would get the shit kicked out of you if you followed it. I kept well away from looking at peni until I first saw a porno a couple of years later. Luckily, I had this book so I knew what was happening...
There's a lot of messaging that white is the default state in society and biracial kids interpret it as their proximity to whiteness determines their value - and you get what your kid is going through now - a rejection of their heritage/ancestry. Only thing I've seen that works is teaching your kid about their heritage and celebrating it relentlessly - because otherwise it's drowned out by all the other messaging.
Somewhere along the way, your kid has picked up the notion that white is better. Maybe it's all from kids at school - or maybe there are some unexamined ideas/themes being displayed at home through your interactions with your spouse, I can't really say - but I'd venture that's what your child's father's family is probably thinking and maybe it's not the worst idea in the world for them to have another month with him.
How much interaction does he get with folks that aren't white? If he's a quarter of the black population at his school - probably not much, right? Him being a quarter of black kids means there are three other black kids to interact with. Maybe give this book a read?
You might want to post in /r/mixedrace or /r/blackladies for additional feedback.
read a book.
I am convinced by this heterodoxy:
"This groundbreaking book argues that adolescence is an unnecessary period of life that people are better off without. Robert Epstein, former editor-in-chief of "Psychology Today," shows that teen turmoil is caused by outmoded systems put into place a century ago which destroyed the continuum between childhood and adulthood. Where this continuum still exists in other countries, there is no adolescence. Isolated from adults, American teens learn everything they know from their media-dominated peers--"the last people on earth they should be learning from," says Epstein. Epstein explains that our teens are highly capable--in some ways more capable than adults--and argues strongly against "infantilizing" young people. We must rediscover "the adult in every teen," he says, by giving young people adult authority and responsibility as soon as they can demonstrate readiness. This landmark book will change the thinking about teens for decades to come."
Lame. Anorexia and bulimia are *so* 2002. Getting a sex change operation is the new cutting. On a related note, is "Crimes of the Future" any good? It seems relevant.
She has a good episode with Rogan:
Here's her book: (bestseller)
Irreversible Damage: The Transgender Craze Seducing Our Daughters https://www.amazon.com/dp/168451228X/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_V24QVFHBR2PB1VH7ZSCA
I wouldn’t judge you as “messed up.” I think you have very good reasons for having the attachment style you have. However, as someone who has struggled with attachment, it’s hard to attract others who will invest in you emotionally if you aren’t capable of it yourself. You could end up very, very lonely as a result, even if you are in a relationship and have friends.
I always wondered why I felt so alone, in spite of having people around. I have had to learn to not rely on other detached people, because they ultimately won’t be able to give me the connection and intimacy I crave. I am still friends with some of the same people, but I don’t try to rely on them for emotional support anymore. Extensive therapy has helped me start to heal my attachment wounds and attract more emotionally available people. I actively look for it now, and it makes such a difference. I’m finally starting to feel less “alone” for the first time in my life.
The middle ground is actually needing people but holding boundaries, communicating needs, asking for help but respecting others’ boundaries, etc. Trust me, I’ve had to learn this stuff like an alien would. ;) This is a great book about attachment:
Good luck!
I appreciate the citations! > In diverse Universities Our observations indicate that students most frequently choose to organise themselves in groups where members share age / ethnicity / religion
Cool paper that resonated with me having attended mixed race schools that left me grappling with a lot of "Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?" type questions.
I think our definitions of segregation in this thread are different. I agree that humans inherently self-segregate in the way this paper describes, but "all the muslim employees want to hang out" is not the type of segregation I think needs policy fixes, it's the type of segregation that is the result of redlining and other institutional racially-motivated policies and practices.
As far as the other two papers: to use these as evidence of "it's human nature to divide ourselves" is fair, but I'd argue cynical and doesn't take into account the influence of profit-seeking. Both the political machine and charter schools are examples of extreme amounts of money being used by the powerful to purposefully divide us for profit. I guess one could argue that this is also human nature, but then... I mean, isn't the whole point of humanity to overcome these darker impulses?
But anyway the point is, if we're sharing white papers: regional public transit is obviously good
Reading it right now for uni, Power of Attachment by Diane Pooler Heller.
About 30 pages in, it’s already very nice with practical exercises. I actually really love it! :)
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Attachment-Lasting-Intimate-Relationships/dp/1622038258
I understand your argument. I just disagree with it. I grew up in an extremely diverse part of the NYC area. While I was exposed to people of all different races, I generally stuck to hanging out with people who are "like" me. You might be interested in the book "Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?: And Other Conversations About Race".
Equality can't exist at all if there's no level playing field ("equality of opportunity"). The action here that levels the playing field is something that you consider to be exclusionary and racist. The women who would use a group like this will spend a lot of time surrounded by people who are unlike them outside of this space. Discrimination is different from organizing based on shared experiences, traumas, values, etc.
I think — in some cases, in the US, based on its racist history, — it's OK for some white people to be left out sometimes. And you don't. And that's the fundamental disagreement here, which I recognize.
I got “Celebrate Your Body” for my eight year old. I remember my buddy in fourth grade got a “puberty” book and I pored over it. It isn’t body shamey and has a section on gender identity. I highly recommend it for kids close to puberty.
Also, learn the Dutch model of sex Ed.
NTA NTA NTA (who knows what myths and old wive’s tales she would’ve told your daughter!) I found 2 books very helpful for my 11yo: Celebrate Your Body (and Its Changes, Too!): The Ultimate Puberty Book for Girls (Celebrate You, 1) https://www.amazon.com/dp/164152166X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_XKDAECYEFK7HEMGQMJ9Z?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1 &
The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls, Revised Edition (American Girl Library) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1609580834/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_5V2HD15ZT3C1W9KX8QWS?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
There’s so many new options for today’s young girls that Grandmother would have no clue about, for example period panties & menstrual cups - also, the knowledge that use of tampons is OK for young girls and has no effect on “virginity” a myth I’m sure Grandma would pass on.
P.S. There’s nothing beautiful or flowery about one’s period & some young girls find their first period(s) terrifying. There’s no good to be done by some old lady making a young girl feel bad about her (girl’s) feelings if girl doesn’t feel all glow-y, blossoming-y and celebratory. Again, NTA Good job, Dad.
Please don't let your daughter learn from the internet or friends at school. No telling what idiocy she will be told, just like the "syncing up" nonsense. Hell, I watched the "for girls" videos her school presented and had to correct a few things with her. Don't trust others on this.
This book is one I went through with my kid. Pretty good. American Girl has some, too, but I thought this one was better.
I picked up a copy of this book for my daughter. It does a great job going over a ton of different subjects, is easy to understand and helps you talk about/go over everything with your child. It also has five stars on amazon (13k+ reviews) which I think is excellent, you don't run across five star products all the time. Also affordable, a paperback copy is $9
NTA My brother had to be (re)taught how to use deodorant in college. He’d been using it for years but either used it wrong or put it on his clothes and not in his pits? Dunno. I was baffled when he yelled at me for not showing him properly in the first place. I figured my parents had?
Sometimes we all need to just overly show and explain things.
Also the flashing is no worse than him seeing you in a bathing suit.
Your mom either needs to better explain or he needs books on puberty that explain everything. I had this book when I was younger and some of the advice might be outdated but find it or a similar book that’s got a lot of illustrations and it should help your brother understand in an age appropriate way that shouldn’t set your mom off too much. "What's Happening to Me?" The Classic Illustrated Children's Book on Puberty https://www.amazon.com/dp/0818403128/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_a_JSQSFBFDJRX9QYKN2JJH
Irreversible Damage: The Transgender Craze Seducing Our Daughters https://www.amazon.com/dp/168451228X/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_50GR32J5HZSW1X1GJ8TE
I would recommend this book to you. The author has 36 pages of sources. Check her sources and the doctors she interviews for this book. She argues that there's nothing wrong with transgender kids, but what's happening with girls now isn't as simple as "they're finding who they really are." The stories and experiences shared by the parents in this book might give you some more perspective and help you prepare for the road ahead.
honestly not even gonna respond to this for real cause it doesn't warrant it.
if you'd like to engage with these topics for real, i'd suggest this book: https://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465060684. but i don't think you actually do
honestly not even gonna respond to this, just think you should read this book if you actually want to engage with these topics: https://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465060684
There's a entire book written about this called Irreversible Damage if you're interested.
I would suggest reading "Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria" by Dr. Beverly Tatum. It's available here (amazon link, about 8 bucks).
Dr. Tatum's book is a great first step toward understanding why things like this are a big issue on their own, and how they feed into the sort of systemic racism we have in the US today. It's approachable, easy to understand, and a relatively short read. (it's also used in an absolute ton of graduate human development courses for good reason)
The short answer to your original question is that people try to file things under racial insensitivity instead of racism based on intent because it takes the blame from the person who says something racist and puts it on the person who is offended, because "they didn't mean anything bad". It's a blanket statement that tries to make people feel better about hurting other people the same way "it's a prank bro!" does.
Ask any parent who has tried to make a joke, or said something in the wrong way and accidentally causes their kid to cry. Their intent was good, but the impact was negative. If I'm messing around trying to prank you and accidentally push you down the stairs, does it matter if I didn't intend to hurt you? No, I was behaving recklessly and caused an injury.
Impact matters. If Morris had said what he said standing next to 15 Japanese baseball writers, what do you think the impact would have been? Ask yourself what the impact is, rather than the intent and you're well on your way to understanding why situations like this are problematic.
tl:dr - the impact of what you say and do is far more important than your intent.
Some of ya’ll need some education. Here’s a good start https://www.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617 or https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414/ref=pd_aw_fbt_img_1/132-0270931-6552858?pd_rd_w=xxvAG&pf_rd_p=0ac31943-e5c4-4aef-ab7b-6ab45d3ad9aa&pf_rd_r=0HRA5XVEDECM4ZMSVVTK&pd_rd_r=da7a9d64-3982-4533-824c-3d...
I remember seeing this book on Amazon. Didn't buy it but you might be interested: https://www.amazon.ca/Irreversible-Damage-Transgender-Seducing-Daughters/dp/168451228X/ref=pd\_ybh\_a\_105?\_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=P0FZY93QDZ09QA92GDJ5