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A lot of the issues are psychological in nature. I wasn’t a “neck beard” but I was a “nice guy”. There are several issues with “nice guy” thinking/behavior:
- The incessant people pleasing or the inability to say no due to a fear and or lack of ability in handling conflict
- Lack of boundaries
- Covert contracts - the “if I’m nice to you, you’ll be nice to me” or “if I help you, then you’ll help me” thinking that goes on behind the scenes that is never fully verbalized
- Lack of understanding that one has needs, it’s ok to pursue said needs, and you are the only person who can fulfill those needs.
- Indirect pursuit of needs - If you need help, ask for help. You don’t help someone thinking they’ll help you in return when it was never promised. Etc.
This book changed my life:
I highly recommend you read the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, he tackles extacly all of the things you mention.
- porn addiction
- masturbation
- not having needs fulfilled in childhood, which leads to drama in adulthoood
- learning how to communicate own needs
- learning how to set boundaries
- learn to love and show affection
It isn't a pick-up, or a seduction book, it is a self help book for men. Oh and if you are in America, there are No more Mr. Nice Guy support groups, which will highly increase your recovery success.
https://archive.org/stream/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy_djvu.txt
4.6/5 in Amazon with more than 4000 ratings, the book is that good.
https://www.amazon.com/-/es/Robert-Glover/dp/0762415339
I read it a while back, but I think I am going to read it again, since I realize I may have fallen in old habits deemed detrimental to my wellbeing.
Jaynes. I actually remember a sentence from the first chapter (probably not an exact quote, but I can't be bothered to go find my copy), "When asked, 'What is consciousness?' people become conscious of consciousness, and believe that consciousness of consciousness to be what consciousness is. This is not the case."
It's engaging and well-written, but his theory wasn't all that influential in the long run. The brain is so much more complicated than left brain/right brain...We as humans definitely have a friction between our logical minds and our impulsive instinctive minds, but it's deeper than they believed back then.
An interesting modern read would be Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman...He's a Nobel prize winning economist who has done a lot of work about human decision making in an attempt to figure out how it drives economic decision making. He's coming at it from a completely different direction, but if anything, that makes his stuff more interesting.
Redditors on almost any other topic: "FUCK baby boomers they drained the economy they are taking everything for themselves they own all the houses they leave nothing for the future."
Redditors when I say I'm opposed to raising SS benefits because the majority of the federal budget shouldn't go to Boomer retirees (SS + Medicare): "Fuck you you greedy corporate shill."
The idiocy is astounding. Social Security is an important social safety net, but it crowds out private savings and it therefore diminishes the capital stock for private investment. Medicare and SS are the two biggest chunks of the federal budget, and they crowd out economic growth.
I'd much rather see the 401(k) and IRA tax-free contribution caps doubled, and see some sort of program to Nudge companies into automatically enrolling workers into private savings plans--especially lower-end workers.
His book is #4 on Amazon. He’s dealing with it just fine, and his message is winning.
Read this book! It is not about becoming a dick to others but learning to stand up for yourself
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No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
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"Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.
If you're interested in reading about this and other subtle strategies used to influence, I suggest you check out the book influence: the psychology of persuasion. It's one of my faves. It details:
- Reciprocity
- Anchoring
- Scarcity
- Decoy effect
- Similarity bias (fear of difference)
- Small commitment to influence longer term commitment
- Making efforts difficult to increase eventual satisfaction (Ikea effect)
All very interesting stuff that you can see in action every day.
I like the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
Be prepared to do some deep digging and to uncover some painful hangups you have about yourself, the world, and your childhood. The biggest one for me: Acting perfect is actually boring and repels people, because it's fake and everyone knows it. As long as you wear a "perfect person" mask, you will never be able to make real connections with anyone. Peoples' flaws are what make them interesting to others. To make real connections with people, you have to be vulnerable. The more open you make yourself to being hurt, the more opportunities to connect with others you will have. The second biggest hangup for me: Acting needy is something almost nobody likes, except maybe your mom. It is nobody's job to meet your needs, except you. It's not immoral or bad to go after what you want and to be honest about it. People generally respect that, a lot more than they respect acting nice.
For dating advice, check out Models by Mark Manson.
https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
It's good advice, and it's not sleazy, which is great.
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Also. Women like hot guys. Just like YOU like hot women. After the baseline of feeling safe around someone is established, women want the guy who is aggressive, driven, handsome, strong, tall, competent, and dominant. They don't want a little boy. That doesn't make them whores, it makes them women. I don't imagine you look at how nice a girl acts as the primary indicator of attractiveness. You look at their looks, their interests, their personality, their sense of humor. Well, so do women.
That hard yank on the emotions drives urgency. Too hard a yank is 9 times out of 10 your clue of a financial scheme.
Recommended reading, "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion"
> I have a theory that your brain tries to "automate" processes and to do them subconsciously when it feels confident enough about it.
You should read the book Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman - excellent read that I would highly recommend. I think you'd find the book interesting, and it discusses this topic in depth.
Social proof in action. Long queues signal that if other people are willing to wait for the food, the stall's food must be good. It is a form of heuristic people use to make decisions about what is good or not. However, the long queue could be a result of slow cooking process, or the stall used to be good so but because the cook changed, the standard went down but people still queue based on the reputation of the stall. The book, "
"Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion" by Dr. Robert Cialdini discusses this and other interesting behavioural psychology themes.
Also if you queue for a long time, by the time you get your food, you are very hungry so anything tastes nice!
These are 2 of the books he recommended/required all of his top level people to read:
I don’t know about reading things like clothes and marks, but this book is supposed to be good for body language.
What Every Body Is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People
The best book to read as a developer is The Design of Everyday Things. If every developer read it, the software world would be a better place.
Your wife doesn't respect you, simple as that. The problem isn't her, its you. Do yourself a favor and read this book before you go see a divorce lawyer, trust me it WILL HELP.
I've heard it called tacit knowledge before, as /u/Luckater already mentioned. I've also seen it referenced, assuming you're somewhat good at the game (and getting "in the zone") as a flow state.
Look up Behaviorial Economics.
In particular, I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0374533555
Also, here's another:
Endowment Effect: This is the tendency for us to value things we already own more than things we don't own. This is partly why loot boxes work, especially when they show they are "rare." You may not pay directly for a rare loot box, but if you already earned one... buying a key to open it is less problematic for many.
No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A Glover. Let me get this straight. You have a master's degree and you're making six figures.
Your girlfriend is an unemployed couch surfing parasitic leech with barely a high school education, who spends all her time on her hobby which she never earns any money or considers charging people. Then bitches at you constantly about how she thinks your job is a joke, and other passive-agressive abuse.
The issue is you tried to turn a hustler into a housewife.
She's hustling you. 100%. She doesn't respect you because she has no respect, and more importantly you don't respect yourself.
The issue is you're a doormat with no ability to set boundaries.
I don’t think it is throwing shade, rather just a genuine description of Thaler and his work. Even Thaler describes himself as lazy and irrational. Most of his academic work is pointing out flawed human thought processes, and behavioral economists have only recently started to apply “nudges” to have positive real world outcomes.
Commonality of design.
Both are objects meant for throwing by hand. It would follow there is an ideal size for handheld thrown objects, and therefore handheld thrown objects would be the same size.
Same reason doors you push and doors you pull have different handles and it feels wrong when the wrong handle is used for the wrong side.
Read The Design of Everyday Things to learn more.
I've personally spent a lot of time on Less Wrong, but... I do have to admit that it's kind of an insular place using their own made-up jargon to promote strange ideas. Overall I approve of it and don't put much stock in the usual criticisms, but I wouldn't direct people to it if I wanted to convince them of anything.
Instead, I'd direct them to the book Thinking, Fast and Slow. It's just as accessible as Less Wrong's better-written posts, it covers a lot of the same stuff, and it's written by someone with the credentials to back up their claims.
And best of all, it includes regular examples that demonstrate your own biases to you. Examples like this, where you can actually catch your own brain making a mistake, are more likely to get through to someone who doesn't believe in, say, racial or gender bias.
> I treat and spoil my kids so much. I show them so much love, I do the same to my wife. But I feel totally ignored in terms of any of my own needs.
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Let me translate this for you:
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>I put everyones wants and needs above my own, teaching them that my wants and needs are less important then theirs
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This is a dynamic you have actively built day after day and now you seemed surprised by it. You repeatedly CHOOSE to ignore your own wants and needs and then wonder why they aren't being met. Make different choices and things will look a lot different.
You can see/make friends, you can go do things you want to do, but you choose not to because you value your wife's happiness above your own. Not surprisingly her and the kids have adopted the same mindset, where their happiness carries more value then your own.
Pick up a hobby/interest and get out and do something a few hours each week.
Plan activities and invite the family, go even if they choose not to join.
There are a million ways you can start putting yourself first without being disrespectful. Will your wife like it all the time? No. But using that as your primary decision making factor has gotten you to where you are now.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
read that book as a start
Curious if this has effected your sex life yet? Do you have the frequency and quality of sex you would like?
Rule #2 in Jordan Paterson's book 12 Rules of Life:
>Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping
I suggest OP reads the book if he hasn't already.
Exactly. I like how this is described by Carol Dweck in the book Mindset.
Loosing self worth after failure is sign of wrong fixed mindset while people with good growth mindset see then as learning oportunity.
Humans are not intuitively good at probability and statistics, because of numerous cognitive biases. -Thinking: Fast & Slow
I know I sound like a broken record but here are my thoughts. I have been married for 25 years. The first 23 sucked because I tried to tell her what she wanted to hear and not the truth. Once again I am going to recommend the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. All Men are taught at an early age to please women, Mother, Then all female teachers and so on it has been this way since the early 60's when male role models disappeared and the rise of the divorced single mom.
The first 23 years of my marriage we spent trying to keep the peace and if I had to lie to do it that was fine. The problem was no one respects a wimp that lies about everything and kisses everyone's ass. After reading the book (its also on audio) I started being honest no matter who got pissed off. My wife could now rely on me giving her the truth. Yes that outfit makes you look fat, Yes you are being a bitch. When this honesty comes out, women will be upset and pissed off but later they will respect you for telling them. For the women who walk away.... Let them....
By being honest with my wife, and I have told her how close I was to walking out on her, How I feel when shes a bitch.... we have had some major come to Jesus meetings. Today I get laid more that I ever did by her in my 40's and 30's. Their is more peace in my home because when something is bugging me its addressed and worked out.
If I was young again I would either go MGTOW or I would be very very careful who I chose to fuck with and start a relationship with. Plus for you young guys its so much fun to just speak your mind, Call bullshit when you hear it and let women know that you could careless if they are mad at you.
This book is not about hating Women.... I would say its more a guide for going from a blue pill simp to a 100% male red pill guy
As someone in tech, these interviews don't really test smarts, programming skills, or IQ. Just that you can grind leetcode.
Tech interviews are all really just a game with a huge amount of luck involved. Sometimes you get all problems you've heard before with lenient interviews, sometimes you get a bunch of leetcode hards with interviewers who expect you to write a proof before solving it. I definitely wouldn't consider someone smarter or dumber then me based on how they did in an interview.
It's tough after a rejection but it's good that you're going to keep applying. Time is on your side and Google will probably be knocking on your door again in 6 to 9 months anyway.
As far as impostor syndrome I'd recommend reading this book https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
It barely mentions impostor syndrome specifically but the skills taught in it are almost directly related.
If you want to learn about the other 99 cognitive biases people are unwittingly carrying around (perhaps you, too), check out Daniel Kahneman's Thinking, Fast and Slow.
Io consiglio vivamente il libro che sto leggendo in questi giorni: Robert Cialdini - Influence - The Psychology Of Persuasion.
Spiega molti meccanismi con numerosi esempi, copre anche quello di cui la ragazza cui fa riferimento OP è rimasta vittima.
1- Arrume um emprego - vai conhecer pessoas, ganhar seu salario, e conhecer mais de si mesmo sobre que tipo de trabalho você quer fazer pro resto da sua vida ou não. Se não gostou do que trabalhou, mude. Ou, se não gosta mas paga bem e é algo suportável, fique. Essa história de trabalho dos sonhos é utopia. Você não precisa necessariamente amar seu trabalho, você pode gostar bastante do salário deste trabalho e as coisas que este salário te proporciona fazer, como viagens etc... Basta não ser um trabalho que te deixe louco por você odiá-lo.
2- Vá pra uma academia e cuide de sua aparência - vai melhorar sua auto estima
3- Faça algum esporte que goste ou tem interesse em fazer - outra boa forma de conhecer pessoas e criar amizades
Enfim, foque no seu desenvolvimento pessoal e social, não tem como você conhecer pessoas, ter amigos, conhecer potenciais namoradas sem sair de casa.
Also, leia este livro: https://www.amazon.com.br/12-Rules-Life-Antidote-Chaos/dp/0345816021 Veja os vídeos dele, é um psicólogo professor da universidade de toronto e um cara muito foda que ja me esclareceu muita coisa. Acredito que falta pouco tempo pra chegar o traduzido.