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O H H E L L Y E S T H E R E I S: https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901.
This was was the first book I read after I came to terms with being NPD. This book does not apply to all narcissists, but it is certainly one of the ways narcissism develops. This is a turning point for you, good job and keep it up.
"if I’m not special, I’m worthless and purposeless" is really good insight and something I dealt with a lot too. Feeling like your "normal" has to be "ultra". You're "normal" has to be "special", and anything less feels like death. You have to win at every video game. Your partner has to be the hottest. You have to have the best job/grades, score the most goals/point, have the nicest mind/greatest body! Because you, well you're special!!
It takes a lot of time to learn to drop these expectations, because you don't know how to feel good about yourself without them but paradoxically the weight of them is so much to bear. But once you drop them, tell the world to fuck off, embrace your authentic self even when it means you're nothing special, you will finally find a peaceful existence.
> I flick his fingers for getting in a drawer after me telling him no and he just yells and screams at me until I comfort him and then goes right back to what he was doing.
Using corporal punishment, especially with a strong willed toddler, will cause a lot of problems for you down the line (like Oppositional Defiant Disorder). Obviously you're here asking for recommendations because you realize you don't have the skills to handle this child's temperment (which is great - seeking help). It sounds like your older kid was exceptionally easy.
I would look into parenting classes in your area. Or if you're more the book sort:
https://www.amazon.com/No-Bad-Kids-Toddler-Discipline/dp/1499351119
“Consequences” don’t really work for toddlers. The best kind of consequences they can experience are natural ones. Meaning if they spill water on the ground, they have to help clean it up. Have you read this book: No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury ? I know everybody recommends it for like every post about discipline, but it is a really good book!
The best way to handle behavior at this age is to guid them into appropriate behavior. If they are doing something inappropriate, guide their behavior into something better. Encourage them to behave well more than you discourage bad behavior. Toddlers are much more receptive to positive than to negatives.
I highly recommend No Bad Kids and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. Both books helped me tremendously as a parent, and helped me parent the exact opposite of how I was raised. One of the most important things at this age is consistent, clear boundaries, and standing your ground. Do not make empty threats - follow through.
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen- https://www.amazon.com/dp/150113163X/
The Explosive Child - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062270451/
These are the two most helpful, in the order that you should read and implement strategies. If the tactics in How to Talk aren’t working (which addresses how to react to unwanted behaviors), move on to Explosive Child (which is focused less on unwanted behaviors and more on solving the problems that cause the behaviors that you can’t seem to stop.)
It’s pretty short but very valuable.
Love and Logic has been the most valuable resource I’ve found, especially for children ages 4+. There’s books, an online seminar, in person seminars, whatever, but the principles are very positive and very supportive.
Mine was going through this a couple months ago and I was so desperate that I just started driving her around town until she slept. But I don’t have a little baby either so not sure if this could work for you but it was just a phase for about 2 or 3 weeks (didn’t drive every day just the days I felt she really was tired) and then she started sleeping later in the mornings so her patterns changed.
Ours will literally not sleep anywhere besides her crib or the car so I just tried it out and we got through it. Most of the books I’ve read say that earlier bed times are best for overtired kids because being overtired starts a vicious cycle of being hyper snd unable to sleep. It’s all so confusing. But maybe if you’re able to drive her around after lunch and see if she’s able to conk out and go from there. But I’d still recommend earlier bedtime since she’s in a sleep deficit.
For reference here’s the book I’m referring to: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, 4th Edition: A Step-by-Step Program for a Good Night's Sleep https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553394800/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_FHFTFPNC2VVCC78AMKPR
I would talk to your pediatrician about some of his behaviour and try reading the book How to talk so little kids will listen. How to talk so little kids will listen.. The author's mother also wrote a book about siblings that I haven't read yet but will as it might help. siblings Both books talk about how timeouts and punishments don't work because it doesn't teach kids anything and just make them feel resentful. I have read both the first book and another book by the second author and what they say makes a lot of sense and they cite the science to back up their ideas.
Going through same w 4yo
Going to be rereading Janet Lansbury and other commonly-recommended toddler books
New one recommended to me that gets high praise is this one
EDIT: encouraging you to "ratchet up" approach regarding potential physical harm. Touching the stove should be taken to the highest level of discipline you'll allow yourself IMO.
I haven't read 123 Magic, but both my husband and I read How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and THAT is a very good book with a sound foundation you can feel good about. https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X
It's all about teaching kids how to express themselves, and teaching them how to deal with emotions. We have 3 very willful, very emotional boys who can tantrum PRETTY hard. The style of How to Talk is all about emotional regulation, redirecting kids to what they CAN do (so that they're not focusing on what they CAN'T do), and it's focused on how to give kids a break when they're emotionally overwhelmed.
It gives a LOT of different advice, because not all techniques work for all kids. Our kids don't respond well to authoritarian demands or raised voices, and aren't people pleasers at all (so they don't really care if you're upset with them). When threatened with losing a privilege, they panic and their emotions get worse, and it's never helped their behavior. They respond much better to empathy and distraction, and they are getting better at talking to each other and to us rather than throwing a tantrum.
So yeah, if you're not feeling the 123 Magic, try something more along the lines of How To Talk so Little Kids will Listen, which takes a much less "condescending grandpa" approach, and more a "the whole point of parenting is to teach kids how to be emotionally-healthy people, not to get them to do what you say all the time."
“Oh no! Your tower fell over. That’s so frustrating! The fun thing about blocks is that you can build them over and over again! Can you put it back together or should we play something different?” Empathize! Something that is not is a big deal to us feels like a big deal to them. It sounds like you’re being supportive, it just takes time. How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen has helped me a lot.
I don't have experience with this yet, as my baby just turned 1, but I just finished reading the book "How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen" Link to Amazon it seems like it might help you here. I think the advice from that book would be, acknowledge her feelings by saying something like, "you hate getting ready for bed. wouldn't it be fun if you were a giraffe, that only had to sleep 30 minutes a day!?" And hopefully acknowledging her feelings will get some more insight into why she doesn't actually want to fall asleep or get ready for the day. Sorry if that doesn't help much, but i 100% recommend the book!
i'm sorry things are so stressful! hopefully you'll find something that works to calm her down soon! and good luck with your new work routine!
Got out as a Sgt. The best thing that helped me develop my own leadership style was when I had a child. I started reading parenting books, everything from how to get kids to eat broccoli to how to encourage them to sleep. So this is going to sound demeaning, but I genuinely do not mean it that way.
As weird as it sounds, my advice would be to read, “How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen”. The book is all about human communication, and covers everything from addressing concerns that seem trivial to how to talk about problems and solutions, as well as things like motivating people to clean up. I mean this with the utmost sincerity, that book will improve your communication with EVERYONE, above, around, and especially, below you.
Been reading this book: How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/150113163X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_VMH1M9S2X2WNDTHA1Q9N
It’s really helped a lot with my own patience and understanding of how their little minds work. But I’m with you, it’s so infuriating because I’m a very punctual person with anxiety lol. I read one time that a mom would let her kid sleep in their school clothes so that it was one less thing to fight over in the morning. But yeah, they of course don’t understand our time schedules and need to be somewhere so perhaps visuals could help or timers. A reward system could help a lot too. Good luck!
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Your mother seems horrible and a kid should not be in a situation were she witnesses abuse towards you and it is something very wrong when she is obsessed and worried about adults. It is never a kids job to feel responsible for grown ups. This might be a sign of covert incest: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/covert-incest
You will need to remove her from your abusive family, but I do not know how to best do this.
If you can afford therapy that would probably be the most effective. There are also a lot of good books on parenting from a scientific perspective that will tell you how a kids brain and emotiobal systems develop. This was one of my favourites: https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing/dp/0553386697
It might be better ones for older kids though. Make sure you pick books written by someone with a relevant degree. There are also a lot of misinformation out there as anyone can call themselves an expert on rasing kids.
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen
u/Sophiadaputa, it's unlikely that anyone will be able do this question justice of AskReddit on all places. I would recommend reading this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Black-Kids-Sitting-Together-Cafeteria/dp/0465083617
It's by a Black developmental psychologist and includes descriptions of how White, Black, and other racial/ethnic/cultural identities develop in the U.S. As usual, reading a book is probably the best way to get a real answer.
You might be interested in the book The Drama of the Gifted Child. Alice Miller is a psychologist who also had nparents, and she explains from her research that children of nparents often have extra reserves of sympathy and being sensitive, because they are trained to anticipate and fulfill their nparents' needs. A whole section is dedicated to the emptiness we feel once we realize that void it creates. (She explains it way better than I do.)
From what I remember, she doesn't go so far as to say that you are more likely to do the things that you list. I think we are more likely to have anxiety and depression as well as numb our feelings (since we didn't have a safe space to share them). But I'd be hesitant to just say it without any research to back it up. I know I'm only one person but I did really well in school, because it was a distraction and it fit into the 'golden child' persona that was expected of me.
If my toddler does run into the open road, I will probably shout “No!” And grab her arm and pull her away from the road. Then I would get down to her level and explain why it’s dangerous to run out into the road. Reserving “No” for these situations also gives more gravity to the word and will increase the chance of your child to listen too.
I would recommend this book in regard to discipline:
From what I can tell they're the same book. Maybe different translations or editions? Most people these days are reading this version but for all I know the text is identical, so I say get your hands on whatever copy is convenient!
>Parenting
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>Haven’t been able to keep calm with the kids. This is my goal, but I get angry when they don’t listen after repeating something 3 times. I
I swear by this book, 123 magic. I didn't realize it before writing about it on here but it fits in perfectly with all the other mrp stuff. Stop DEERing to your kids, stop throwing shame and guilt at them. Create consistent boundaries and enforce them with little, if any, emotion.
>It's essentially red pill for kids.
I'm so glad you liked 123 Magic. When I first saw you read it I thought, wait, that's not red pill. But the book is essentially just, set boundaries for your kids that you can be consistent with (don't rambo) and then strip out your emotions from the enforcement (Plus STFU and stop DEERing to your kids all the time about the boundaries)
I think this tactic is okay to use in scenarios where you want to help foster empathy. If he is hitting you, but not hard enough to actually make you cry, fake crying can help show him that his actions can be hurtful. This can be useful for any harmful behavior (biting, pulling hair, scratching).
But I caution you to use it sparingly. He is still learning how to handle his big feelings. He doesn't need to learn how to handle your big feelings too.
>until he’s a little more reasonable.
This could be years. Better to brush up on other healthier tactics than resort to the quickest solution.
I've been reading through No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury. Not all the way through it yet, but I have found it helpful.
I can't recommend this book enough for new parents. On Becoming Babywise. My wife and I followed this book for both kids, well really just the first we got lazy on the 2nd and we still have trouble getting him to stay in bed at 4 yrs.
I've read that the way a toddler's brain develops, they focus on a specific area or skill they are learning so exclusively that others can appear to have regressed. She's not forgetting speech, but she's not growing it. She must be focusing on something else. I've been looking for a source to share with you but I can't find one. I'd recommend this book as well, it was a fascinating read: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553386697/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Here's a book that I've found pretty helpful with my 2YO.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1499351119/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabt1_T7UPFbRZEQ9E8
I'll add on that one of the best concepts I've found is that of giving your toddler choices and instructions on independence. My kiddo will scream about his shoes being put on his feet but I'll pull them off and he'll want the shoes back. I've found that giving him direction on how to put on his shoes, even if he can't do much on his own yet, helps with his need for independence. We also bought a second pair of shoes so he can choose which pair he wants to wear in the morning.
It’s a book with lots of tips for discipline/stopping behaviors without the usual power struggles between parent and a more spirited child. The 123 part is that when the kid does something wrong like in the OP’s case if turning every request by the parent into an argument or negotiation, they get 2 chances to stop and then at 3 is the consequence. (You do explain this new way of the rules working to the child and they even walk you through that in the book in age appropriate ways). Like parent says “billy, time to pick up your toys” and he ignores you (but you know he heard you), you simply say “that’s 1”. If he then starts arguing “I don’t want to.” Or “when I finish” you can say “that’s 2, I told you to pick up now”. If he doesn’t comply then you say “that’s 3, go take a time out”.
The book describes different “punishments” and all that too. We used time outs. It sounds simplistic, but once your child starts to understand that a 3 always (and this is the important part—consistency) means a punishment they will start to comply before it gets to that. It helped us stop the back and forth between me and my son. To stop him from pushing my buttons and me from getting angrier and frustrated and yelling at him. After a bit you just have to say “that’s 1” (and you always say it calmly) and they know you mean business and do what you’ve asked. There’s a lot more to it and it explains the whys and different scenarios. The book is probably even better in newer editions as my spirited kid is 16 now. 1-2-3 Magic book
Please just be kind to the baby, always. My mother was in your situation, she pulled through well but harmed me when I was very little. I know she would take all the harmful things back if she could, she loves me very much, but the wounds stay for life.
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen - https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X
It's illustrated, it's got TONS of ideas for how to figure out what to do when your little one starts to want things they can't have, or do things you would rather they didn't do.
Whole Brain Child - https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing/dp/0553386697
This one is great for knowing what's going on in their minds, reminding you what it was like to be a kid, and a little bit of the science behind their behaviors