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NTA your mom is abusive af. She sounds like a carbon copy of my mom. I went no contact 6 months ago and my life is so much happier and healthier!!
I recommend these books:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_uzIaGb2MGV021
You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother https://www.amazon.com/dp/0232529299/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_PzIaGbX33D4GW
Couple's counseling with a therapist.
You need a third party who can validate her being heard and explain to her that she isn't being good to you by denying something that treats your medical condition.
Also, the book "Is it You Me or ADD" might help her find her feet in the relationship.
NTA oh dear internet stranger. Please give yourself the gift of a few new books. Your mom is a narcissist.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_fAFaGb9VN73B5
You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1506462154/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_BCFaGbMK06B18
The good times are part of the abuse. They keep you questioning whether you’re imagining it or whether you should stay.
I highly suggest this book:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_nSHMFbK2HKG7E
You've got some heavy shit to deal with. Lots of serious situations, all going down at the same time. I can offer some perspectives & procedures that have helped me, and maybe help you.
1- You are NOT your thoughts. Your thoughts are instantaneous electro-chemical impulses that are so transitory, they can barely be said to exist. They will rise. They will fall away.
They're like a massive cascading waterfall- the trick is to position yourself behind the waterfall
2- Acknowledge your feelings. Allow them to pass. The physiological effects of emotions on your body can be profound- but even the strongest ones pass in moments. Unless you continue to regenerate them. "Noting"... the act of recognizing a thought or emotion... is often enough to dispel it. Note what you're feeling in a depersonalized way ("That's anger", "That's anxiety"... NOT "I'm angry" or "I'm anxious").
3- Focus on what you CAN control, Accept what you can't. This is one of the pillars of Stoicism. There's no profit in getting twisted up about things you can't change. Viktor Frankl said that even in the worst situation, each individual has the ultimate power, "The last of the human freedoms: to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way"
4- The Obstacle is the Way Understand that every crisis, every hardship, is an opportunity to develop some other virtue. Patience, Endurance, Compassion, Courage, Resourcefulness... skills that would lie dormant unless you were challenged.
5- See things as they are, not as you wish, not as you fear. Optimism and Pessimism are for suckers. Realism is the way to go. Your fortunes will rise and fall. Determine that no matter what happens, you'll be able to handle it, with competence and dignity.
​
I wish you well.
Omg. That’s hilarious. Ahh it would be so great if you could counter with another prominently displayed book with an accusatory title.
Something like this maybe? https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
Ma’am, your husband has a personality disorder and is an abuser. That bathroom wall banging is 100% a manipulation tactic. So is the sulking and the temper tantrums. Please read this book, ideally on an e-reader where he can’t see it - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_0A33SF6RMKT4WM9Y36NP
Going against the grain here, I don't think this is actually about logic OR emotions.
I think it's about control. Alarm bells started going off the more I read that this, I think it's a delibrate tactic to get you under his control, which is what abusive people want most of all.
>Queue 'why are you being so stubborn?', 'are you trying to deliberately hurt me?', 'are you trying to prove a point or something?', 'would it hurt you to do it this way?', 'I thought you cared about my feelings and my support'
🚩🚩🚩 so from this paragraph I see him deliberately: 1) making you feel like you need to justify your actions to him. You don't, but making you do so changes the power dynamic in his favour. It also keeps you focused on your actions and behaviour so you don't have the time to take a critical look at his behaviour.
2) using emotional manipulation. Not only do you owe him an explanation, but when you do something he doesn't like he turns it into you hurting him. This is manipulative AF and intentional.
3) wearing down your defences. This shit sounds exhausting, and while you can fight back now, I imagine that after weeks/months/years of it you'll just get so tired you'll stop fighting back. Then you'll just do what he wants how he wants to avoid the fight. THIS is his ultimate goal, to make you compliant.
>What should I do?
Fucking run, this is only going to get worse.
And please, take a look at the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft, you can find the PDF for free online.
Angry and controlling men seem to think that there is no way they can be abusive if they don't physically hurt their wife.
YOU ARE ABUSIVE.
Wish I could give your wife this book.
That doesn't mean everyone who tells you to up your meds is right, or coming from a good place. Abusive men LOVE to tell their partners they're crazy/paranoid/overly senisitve/imagining things/overreacting
Please read this book
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Finding purpose and direction.
Check out this book. It's by a psychologist who was imprisoned in Auschwitz who made it his purpose while there to understand (and teach) what helps people through hopeless adversity.
https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X
“I liked you better when we weren’t speaking, Mom” ��
Sorry, I know burning bridges is not always what people want/need, but wow you really nailed so much tone/script here. And people who say these things know that the things they say to us have more impact, negative or positive, because of their role in our lives is trusted and close (or it was) but they choose to use it to manipulate instead of support.
Try to remove yourself a step or three from the situation and think about what it would take for someone who loves you and wants you safe and well, to say things like this. What would it take for you to say things like this to someone you love? Even if you think they made a bad choice, ‘I liked you better the other way’ is a ridiculously self centered and petulant approach.
You should be able to expect better, but this person, for whatever reason, has some kind of deficit in their capacity. Their emotional intelligence is at a deficit. I really don’t know how much of that is a choice, or it’s just how some people are wired. Either way, you keep exposing yourself to harm if you keep being vulnerable to someone like this, though. You’ll be safer if you can say ‘well they aren’t capable of being the person I need; I need to manage my expectations of them, because I can’t trust them to be thoughtful.”
I can’t help but recommend this book - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, if this is coming from a parent. It would probably still be helpful if it’s not a parent.
You were not born to be the prettiest figurine on this person’s knickknack shelf. Don’t feel obligated to do so, or guilty for not doing so. It’s not an expectation a reasonable person would set.
(Hmm I think you hit a nerve or three ;)
I'd encourage you to do more research. Most abusers are extremely charming and emotionally manipulative. Many abusers seem like genuinely great people to everyone around them because they're not just some general indiscriminate asshole, and they may treat everyone other than the victim very well. There's a book about exactly this, the author did a lot of investigation through interviews with both the abused and the abuser. Most of the abusers saw nothing wrong with their actions because they veiwed the victim as sub-human and belonging to them.
At the end of the day, it's a power thing and abusers use a wide variety of tactics to gain power of their abuser, ranging from physical abuse to often making the victim doubt their own mental facilities through creative methods.
Two of the most fascinating to me were the following.
One guy would hide things his wife needed, like keys when she was leaving, and then watch as she became increasingly frantic. Once she was in tears, turning the house upside down, tearing her hair out, he would leave the keys in an obvious place like a table and say something along the lines of, "look it's right there. I don't know why you can never find things, you're losing you mind"
Another guy dimmed the lights, Everytime his wife left the room and then would adamently deny it, and call her paranoid and imagining things.
Can I recommend to you the book Taking Charge of Adult ADHD? Whenever I have any relief from severe depression, this book is my bible. I can scan in a few important pages for you tomorrow if you want, but honestly if you have any bookstores or libraries nearby with a seating area, definitely seek it out and read as much as you can to see if you can read it comfortably (while medicated).
Abusers will try to convince you their feelings are the problem. "I was mad, I was frustrated, I felt scared of losing you, I just love you so much". But everyone experiences those same emotions without abusing others.
An abuser does not have a problem with how they feel, they have a problem with how they think. They think they're entitled to attention, care-taking, interest, to a person giving up who she is to focus entirely on the abuser's needs. And when they don't get what they think they're entitled to, they feel entitled to call that person horrible things. They give themselves permission to express those feelings based on how they think.
Never be misled; if someone talks to you this way its not because "they were mad". It's because they think it's okay to express their anger in that toxic unfair way. Read more here if you need
Yeah, if you've grown up your entire life being gaslit, scapegoated, and trained to take responsibility or make excuses for your immature parent's bad behavior, it becomes your natural way of doing things. I picked up and read this book almost on a whim a while back, and I was amazed at how much it resonated with me. My situation is a little bit different from yours; I don't think either of my of my parents really have textbook NPD or BPD (which it seems like your mom does) - they were more, I dunno... Disinterested and immature, maybe? Anyway, I feel like reading that book helped me to identify patterns of behavior I didn't even realize I had developed, and had started repeating with my own kids. Anyway, point being, I think most everyone assumes their family is "normal" by default, and never really examines these patterns of learned behavior from an objective place unless something pushes them to do so.
That being said, consider that your dad has most likely been suffering your mom's shit with a smile since before you were born, but seeing the narcissistic abuse turned toward you was the last straw for him. Don't directly involve yourself in your parents relationship, but it's good that you have each other. You probably both have some things to work through and healing to do. Good news is, once the dust settles, you get to have a real mature adult relationship with one of your parents, at least!
UGH I've said this in other threads about him not changing diapers but TANNER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE MY EX-HUSBAND.
Jade, girl, just please read this book and consider whether this is really what you want.
I recently read Lundy Bancroft's book on abusive men: "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", and I was really impressed with it.
It totally opened my eyes to men's abusiveness, and dispelled a lot of the misconceptions that I had about men's harmful and cruel behavior. (It also honestly helped me wrap my head around how contradictory the men who espouse gender identity are (Riley Dennis, Zinnia Jones, Contrapoints, etc), because once you get down to it they're just another flavor of abusive man)
I made this little review video to encourage people to check the book out if they've never heard of it before.
Link to the book on Lundy's website (2nd book down from top of page): http://lundybancroft.com/books/
Link to the book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Not a summary, but I was curious to know more about the plot as well, and this Amazon link has a good product description and excerpts from the book if you scroll down.
I used to think this to. That my lack of education or caring somehow triggered the violence in my life. If you can find a library, many offer free audio and ebooks, please check out this book. It helped my world make sense.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
> After the dinner date we went back to his place. We were on the couch. Nothing had happened yet, he just had his arm around me. I was a little buzzed off the wine, and he said "I want to show you something."
So he didn't talk to you about hypnotizing you, and get your consent? Did you have a talk about limits and what's okay, and how much control he should have?
> He told me a little more about how he likes to use hypnosis to enhance the bedroom. So as we would text, he would send me images about erotic hypnosis all day. When I wasn't at work, he would send me videos, audios, or we would have hypnotic phone sex.
It sounds like you got into a steady relationship, but he sounds like he likes to push past your limits and uses hypnosis to do so, and is isolating your from your friends, family and work. These are all classic abuser techniques. Do you feel safe in your relationship? Are you able to say no and have him respect that? Does he try to control you or speak for you outside of your sexual relationship?
As a very old guy that has been in PUA for 10+ years I would like to add my 2 cents.
This article is complete garbage. I am very confident that the author did not even read single book or scientific study about self esteem.
If you need to work on your self esteem, I strongly suggest you to read "6 Pillars Of Self Esteem" by Natheniel Brandan : https://www.amazon.com/Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive-Leading/dp/0553374397
My parents did the same thing. I had come out to them once before and then went back in the closet then came out to them again and then went public and full time within 2 months and I didn’t tell them beforehand that I was going to come out. Their response? “Well you should have told us so we could prepare people that we know”
It’s not their transition and they don’t need to prepare anyone. They are emotionally immature parents and you should read a book called:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_z0hVCb2KZADP3
It’s a really good read and will help you learn how to deal with them.
Thats exactly where this quote is from. What makes it even more powerful is that this thought is in response to being sent to a concentration camp to die.
If Frankl could maintain this mentality while being worked to near death and having to constantly outsmart gestapo, no one here has any valid excuse as to why they can't cultivate that same mindset.
Seriously, everyone get this book. Its like 200 pages (if that) of some of the most compelling writing you'll ever read.
YTA - you're not entitled to financial aid from your son.
>Even though I cooked and cleaned and did everything for him, just because of this one thing
Wow you cooked and cleaned and provided for the child you chose to have? Look at you, doing what you're supposed to!
>Can I fix him?
That question says so much about you. I think you should buy this book for your son, he will probably find it helpful:
NTA, I suspect your mom is fundamentally emotionally immature.
This book is a life saver:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_Qc.1FbZ0TDTS3
So previously the diagnosis was split into ADD and ADHD, as far as i understand, but it's now an ADHD diagnosis that can fall under innatentive type, hyperactive type, or the multi type like you and I. There's some really great books on ADHD on this list here as well as this one my psychologist recommended
in the short term, i've found the short comics made by ADHD alien (posted on twitter and their website under that name) really helpful for understanding some of my experiences. I've only been officially diagnosed for about a year and a half, and it's been a crazy learning curve. I still have a massive 'OH!' moment about once a month where something new clicks into place about why i'm Like That.
I hope you find something that makes sense for you though, and if you need to talk about anything feel free to inbox me :)
I had the same experience! One book I found from that sub that was super useful was “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. I definitely recommend it if you want to feel some compassionate validation and ways to move forward.
A book I found invaluable was Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I never thought my ex was abusive; I just thought he was a dickhead. Reading about the patterns of anger I was shocked into recognition. It was devastating in its way... But helped me to detach, eventually.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Good on you for getting out! Best wishes for the days ahead.