Also, the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy
and She Comes First by Ian Kerner
There’s an entire book written by a man dedicated solely to performing oral sex on a woman. It’s very tastefully (no pun intended) written and it would be an awesome read for you and your husband. She Comes First
I don't think anyone is saying dump the person over sex right then and there. This is a woman who has had a serious discussion about her dissatisfaction over the sex and her partner's inability (or rather unwillingness) to change anything. He could go buy a book like She Comes First and learn some techniques that will help his woman have an orgasm before he even gets inside her. He could slow down and ask her what she needs to get more aroused if for some reason he can't teach himself to go longer than two minutes. He could learn how to kegel to hold back his ejaculation if he mistakenly goes too far too fast. He could wait a few minutes or perform oral or heavy petting and get another erection (unless he is a one and done type guy) and use THAT one on her. But despite her complaints, he has done nothing except say, "Don't hate the player, hate the game." That is selfish. And while it is only selfish in one area of their life together, who wants to be told, "Oh yeah, no more orgasms for you for the rest of your life." I don't care if you are 70; that is a hard sentence in a cold prison.
Both of you can try reading this together: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_MCotCbKPNWME6
You want to make sure you’re physically and emotionally satisfied with yourself and your partner while exploring stuff in the bedroom, ok? Best of luck!
If this is something you want to engage in regularly, I highly recommend reading something like Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns. Did you two use a safeword? You say you enjoyed the encounter as a whole, but that's a lot of damage to suffer in one encounter, especially if you're relatively new to BDSM. Was there any point where you were uncomfortable in the moment but kept going? Many experienced BDSM-folk use a red (stop) - yellow (pause, let me make sure I'm doing okay) - green (go go go) system to check-in during intense activities. If your partner didn't do this, I could see that leading to post-encounter feelings of not being heard or cared for. Did you engage in good after care? What you're describing sounds like it could be a bit of "sub drop": for many folks, when they bottom in a BDSM setting, they need extra special comfort and care afterward to avoid what's commonly called "sub drop."
As to the mentality of enjoying BDSM, I can't answer that. It's something I've been interested in before I even had sex, but I can't articulate why (nor am I deeply into the BDSM lifestyle - I would probably not be okay with all of the activities you experienced, or at least not all in one session).
Bi and recently came out as trans. Though you might not be trans, it's absolutely possible. It's good to spend some time thinking about it and explore different identities. Even if you are cis it's good to educate yourself about the stories of others and different identity possiblies. The book "You and Your Gender Identity" by Dara Hoffman-fox helped me out a bunch in figuring it out, though I definitely new before..
You should buy your completely normal 16-year-old this book and a several boxes of kleenex.
When you're done with that, spend some time learning about "personal boundaries". Oh, and stop being a puritanical lunatic.
Read it yourself before introducing it to him to be sure you agree with its message, but many people consider it a great resource for this sort of thing. And definitely have deep conversations about what it presents so you guys understand each other. Good luck.
(edit, spelling)
Do you really think that women in the Middle East were ISIS emerged have any considerable freedom before or after? Feminism is not a relevant factor in those areas a Youth bulge is. Plus read Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What it Means for Modern Relationships to moderate your ideological stance.
I dated a guy who had this book on his shelf: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260
He was crap at sex but very good at oral. It was his only saving grace with sex. Maybe we should start passing it out.
This book really helped me a lot, but as a beginning step you can give some time to brainstorming or looking up things you’d like to try and then trying them. I started with shaving my legs (which felt incredible even though I cut them up something fierce) and buying some long socks. I moved on to buying some jewelry and dresses, then clean-shaving my face, and have loved every step (just bought a skirt, some sports bras, unisex converse shoes, and a few cute tops). Of course what you do will change depending on what you’re looking for and what you’re interested in.
I’d also recommend a gender therapist if you don’t have one yet because having someone to talk to who can help you sort your thoughts and give an experienced outside perspective is amazing.
Good luck! We’re all rooting for you to find yourself whoever that may be ☺️
Your wife needs to get her hormone levels checked. Low testosterone can impact a woman’s sex drive too. Also there’s a great book if you can find a copy, she comes first. It’s both thoughtful and funny.
https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260
For those that need to learn from a literal professional. Here is a nsfw video of Nina Hartley explaining how to eat pussy. https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5712f4fcadf9c
Take notes y'all.
For those who want a more scientific approach, there's a book called she comes first.
https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260
Breaks down the female anatomy, gives really solid advice.
Between that book, that video, and responding to my partners body (that's the most important key, be aware of your partner and respond to their body) I've never had a partner that wasn't amazed at how well it all went. Sometimes I tell them that I learned it thanks to a book and a porno. Sometimes I just act like I'm a sex god. Really I just know it's because lots of guys don't know even the basics of sex and so all I have to do is not be shit at it :D
edit:
Oh also, do kegels. And reverse kegels. When I'm going at it, I'll do reverse kegels, and if I'm about to finish, and don't want to yet, I'll pull out, and do kegels just a hold for about 10 seconds.
For overcoming fears about being "slutty"? I'm not aware of anything specific to that fear, for men.
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman is a good general guide for improving sex.
The Joy of Sex is always a classic, even the updated version.
Try reading She Comes First as a start. After that, be sure that you're paying attention to how she responds to you when you're going down on her. Not every woman is going to like it the exact same way, and even with the same woman, what works will not always be the same thing depending on a lot of factors. Learning to read her body language and the sounds she makes will help guide you in knowing when she's enjoying what you're doing or when you need to change it up. Lastly, don't make orgasm the point of the oral, not every woman is able to come that way, but it stills feels good. Pleasure, without pressure to come, should always be the focus of any sexual activity.
He's gas-lighting you...bad. And you likely do have a form of PTSD!
-Year one is like being in ICU.
-Year 2 is like being in the hospital
-Year 3 is painful PT.
You're still in ICU! You should feel this way.
Tip: He needs to read "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." It lays out a 15 point recovery plan. He needs to commit to those 15 points or your relationship might not ever heal.
I just realized you're not married. Oh friend, treat this as a godsend. Break it off. At a minimum downgrade him to bf. But the engagement is off!
(copy and pasted my answer from another question much like your own, I feel like this was good enough to say again)
Here's what helped me when I asked that question.
I think that may help. If you need further help on the subject, I would consider seeing a therapist who is knowledgeable in trans related issues. Also, if you don't want to go quite that far may I sugest a book that is currently helping me sort this stuff out. I'll post the link to the Amazon site, but you can get it other places. It's called "You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery" by Dara Hoffman-Fox. They are a non-binary gender therapist working out of Colorado and also doing YouTube videos on the subject. I highly recommend watching a few. Again they were a big help.
Amazon link to book-https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1510723056/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o05__o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I've seen no evidence that is true. It very well might be, but I would want to see the facts like from Shirley P Glass. Author.
On this sub, it seems 50/50.
Btw, I lean to trying to save marriages...if at all possible. Ask her to read this book right away (because of expiring lease). It's designed for the cheater. It explains the work she will need to commit to. She can even buy the audio version today and you both listen to it tonight.
Do you want it to work? If so, may I suggest going one more month without signing a lease. Having you both have to decide in a week is a lot of pressure.
I'd like to help. PM me if you want. I'm a guy in my 50s.
I love Esther Perel! Her book Mating in Captivity focuses on the same theme. My husband and I listened to the whole book on tape together this summer.
We're also obsessed with her podcast! It's called Where Should We Begin and is just her and a couple in a marriage/couple's counseling session, one couple per episode. It's brilliant and we also devoured them all - my husband likes to vocally root for the couples expressing their feelings like he would root for a sports team. There is one in Season 1 about a couple struggling with fertility issues, called I Can't Give You a Child. Highly recommend all of them!
I think the book “She Comes First” should be required reading to get your Lifestyle card…..just saying……
It’s available as a Kindle download for $7.99 on Amazon, and you don’t actually need a Kindle as you can read it online in the Kindle Cloud Reader or you can install the free Kindle app.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_2z.GBbTP2JAKC
First things first:
You're supposed to enjoy yourselves. It's not super serious. Laughing is a good thing. Sure, it might not bring the mood you're after, but that'll come along soon enough. For now, just go with what feels fun and good for the both of you, and the giggles will subside in time. Trying to be all serious business about it won't work.
Explore and get comfortable with things, and feel free to reach out to people online. Asking stuff on reddit is great, but keep it public, so you can get more than one answer. It can so very easily become a little one-sided if you find just one person and have them guide you exclusively. Keeping it public vets the answers a little, too!
There are a million books written on all this, and some of them are quite good.
The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book get recommended a lot, and are generally accepted as pretty good.
Just try and keep fiction out of your real life. 50 Shades of Gray does not portray a healthy relationship, for example.
Above all is communication and consent. Without good communication there can be no informed consent, and without informed consent there will be problems down the line with resentment and hurt. Be brave in your communication, and I assure you it will be rewarded.
First do not move out! That can hurt you lot in case of divorce!
I'm a guy that is biased to saving the marriage...especially with kids. But I'm not stupid about it. Unless she comes around (clearly she hasn't) there isn't anything you can do. Keep going to counseling even if she doesn't show up.
But if she doesn't come around ask her to move out to figure out her life. Is the AP married? Because that might help you if he is.
There's a decent chance you will file for divorce. Filing is sometimes the only thing that gets their attention! It doesn't mean you have to go through with it.
Odds are high they had car sex. If unprotected be sure to get tested. (that even hurts to type).
If she 100% is dedicated to making the marriage work, this book is about the only way to begin the long, long healing process.
Pls keep us posted with updates.
​
I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. But listen, you're young, and you have led an unusually sheltered life. So it follows that you are comparatively naive.
How much do you know about your wife's vulva? Where did you get your information from? Did your father explain it to you? (How well informed is he anyway?)
It wouldn't be your fault, but I would like to suggest to you that your problem is that you don't know what you're doing.
There is a very good book that will explain in detail how your wife's body works (sexually) - it will explain to you how to give her the most joyous time.
Your wife should not be experiencing any pain during your love making, and there was no need for pain on your first night - that pain that she experienced is a sign that you were doing it wrong.
If you can learn to pleasure your wife without expectation of reaching your own climax but instead prioritising her, she will begin to crave sex with you. You will be more sexually satisfied than you have ever imagined possible - just from the joy and excitement of seeing your wife lose herself in ecstasy brought about through your love making. (Don't worry, you still get to have your orgasm - it's just that she comes first.)
And the resultant buzz that will engulf the two of you for the rest of your lives will cement your relationship rock solid (you'll need that for when you become parents!)
The book is called - She Comes First - it's by Ian Kerner
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_CGW4REVJF25HHRBMQWT1
Okay - so it may not turn out to be quite the elixir I have made it out to be - but it will definitely help you on your way . . .
The first anniversary after DDay is going to be hard on her.
Ask her what she wants. She may not even want to celebrate the day. Right now it’s very raw for her.
Healing timeline for infidelity is 2-5 years. First year is her processing what has happened.
Right now she is riding an emotional rollercoaster.
Also, making it to 8 has everything to do with you and how you put into place changes to help her feel safe.
Read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It will give you a basis on the things she needs from you.
You can get it from amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_qagUybCZE9ZZT
Also Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
This will help you understand how your boundaries were such that you allowed an affair into your life.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2
Good luck tonight.
Maybe approach him saying it like "I promise, you please me, and i love having sex w/you which is why I really like the idea of being a little more adventurous and I want to experience it with you." also did a Google search & came up with this book:
Mating in Captivity - Unlocking Erotic Intelligence: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060753641/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&psc=1
I will say your bf has somewhat been abundantly clear he's not interested. And if he remains that steadfast, you may have to stop pressuring him & accept he's satisfied w/sex the way it is & perhaps you're just sexually incompatible & make decisions from there. Good luck!
My husband read this book. Every week. Foe two months. Until it was ingrained in his head. It has undoubtedly saved our marriage. I read it too. It truly showed the WS how e affair effects the spouse.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
There is a book called She Comes First by Ian Kerner, id recomend picking up a copy and reading it, then "gift" it to him. I wasn't the type to enjoy the act until reading this book and realizing how important it is to the process of enjoying sex.
Amazon link if interested: https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260
> Screw the Roses and Give Me The Thorns (can't remember the author)
"Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism" by Philip Miller and Molly Devon (Amazon link)
So let me suggest this book: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
I found the audiobook easy to get through, but I ended up buying the paperback so that I would have the diagrams.
https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260
Another thing to try is Quim. They have a line of products infused with CBD and/or THC for the vagina. It won't get your mom high, but her pussy would love it. Hope you can get something like that locally.
And finally, get her The Magic Wand. You can use it while you two are together. The corded one is fine, but the cordless one is just as powerful and is more adjustable than just high speed and low speed.