Just a note that nowadays the SNR is considered to be fight/flight/freeze. Freeze response is just as common in nature but was largely ignored by psychology researchers due to a lack of access to female test subjects, who skew toward freeze more often than fight. I can't recommend The Body Keeps the Score enough, which goes into very deep and well-researched detail regarding trauma, anxiety, depression, and the body's response to it.
I had a similar "If I'm going to kill myself, why don't I try to have a better life first" experience too. It was about 35 years ago. And yes, I'm happy and fulfilled. The journaling is great (If you don't know about cognitive behavioral therapy, look it up. My experience came from this book which may be dated, but I think still has value). My story is not your story, but if I could make through mine with a happy ending, then you can find one for yourself as well.
Everything you said, plus:
>I'm now where I should have been at 25, and I'm 37.
There is no "should be" script in life. We are where we are; some imaginary or idealized person's life is does not apply to our personal circumstances.
If OP cannot get to a mental health professional, I urge her to get the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. My therapist co-signs that book as well and even gave me activities to work on similar to what that book goes over, like a mind map and mood chart.
I'm reading the book "Why We Sleep" and it's seriously scary how important sleep is yet how little people get, and how socially acceptable that is.
Thankfully, it's been the catalyst for me going to bed earlier and making sure to get 8 hours minimum, and I'm feeling pretty good.
Alcohol can cover up anxiety, which is probably what it's doing to you. There are other treatments for anxiety that do not have the negative health impacts that alcohol does.
I found this book very helpful, and only £1.50 for the kindle edition
You can reduce your anxiety without medication - work on that.
I'm sorry to hear that her therapy caused her flashbacks that were so bad that she had to quit. I don't know how long ago that was, but could she be convinced to try again? There are a lot of therapists now who specialize in trauma, and they have a lot of good evidence that somatic treatments like EMDR are extremely effective for PTSD and Complex PTSD.
It's only very recently that anyone has had any idea how to treat PTSD, and treatment is improving all the time. Check out The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, it's an excellent overview of how PTSD and trauma affect the body, and the various treatment options.
She definitely needs a trauma therapist, though, especially since she's already had flashbacks. They will start the treatment with helping her grow her emotional resources so that the flashbacks won't overwhelm her. The whole idea is to take it at a manageable pace so it's not terrifying. As someone dealing with Complex PTSD, I can say that trauma therapy has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and also that it's only thing that could possibly help me live my life fully.
I'm sorry to hear that her health is failing. Her life is NOT over in her 60s, she still potentially has many years left, and it must be so hard to see her in despair like this. Hugs for you if you want them. <3
You really, really need to address your depression. Don't make any drastic and unalterable decisions right now (such as dropping out of med school) because of your feelings of hopelessness. Whether it be with a therapist, psychiatrist, or PCP, it's important to talk to a professional rather than random people on r/medicalschool who may or may not have good advice to give. I also highly recommend this (basically cognitive behavioral therapy in a book): https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=sr_1_2?crid=3DEPOIHVCW02L&keywords=feeling+good+the+new+mood+therapy+by+david+burns&qid=1576788065&sprefix=feeling+good+the+new+mood+the%2Caps%2C178&sr=8-2
It teaches you a lot of tools for addressing automatic negative thoughts and other things that might be distorting your perception of reality.
You're in medical school, and they chose to accept you for a reason. You are not at all "a disgrace".
It's nothing new, it's just coming back into the mainstream now that they realize how powerful psychedelics are for healing. Listen to Michael Pollan's recent JRE guest appearance and pick up his recent book, it details how this research and push for re-legitimizing pyschedelic use has been happening in the background all along. Some people have even theorized that since we banned psychedelics and picked up a more alcohol-heavy culture we've become more depressed, more angry, less empathetic, and argue returning psychedelics into the mainstream in a safe manner could change all of that.
Interesting times ahead.
The book has been updated over the years so make sure you find the latest one. This is the book though (may not be the latest one though): https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C
I know it can be hard to talk about, been there myself. Something that really helped, and got me into a headspace where not only could I help myself, but to where I could talk to others about it was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Its under $20 on kindle
Its not a typical "self help, be happy" type book, its by the guy who pioneered CBT, which is a mainstay of modern psychiatrists.
It didn't "fix" my mental illness, but it really helped me cope when I was in the worst of it.
That and binging Community and Parks and Recreation
What keeps people going is resilience. The good news is that it's something you can develop (and I know that because I've gone from having none to being pretty healthy). To get started, you need to do cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT teaches you about cognitive errors that lead to the problems you've been having. For example, "all or nothing thinking" leads you to think that once you've failed at one thing, that you're not good at anything. Without the cognitive error, you can see what's really happened. Maybe you didn't prepare well enough--that's something you can fix. Maybe you chose an endeavor that isn't a good fit for you, and you can use this information to figure out better fit. Maybe you didn't have a key piece of information. There are lots of reasons for failure that don't mean "I'll never succeed at anything," and finding out those reasons gives you the resilience to try again. And again. Sometimes you'll fail, sometimes you'll succeed, and you'll always be learning.
As far as how to go about CBT, seeing a therapist is always an option. But CBT works really well in book form. I highly recommend "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It's cheap at Amazon. Go through the exercises, and you'll see an improvement in your depression, in your resilience, and in your relationships.
I was in the same space, the fear of having another attack was causing me to have more frequent attacks.
Here is what helped me the most.
A man cold is the common cold, but for men like me, it makes me completely useless. I use all my energy at work and then I'm done for the day. Which is worse when you have anxiety and depression.
Citalopram is an SSRI, (also known as Celexa) it's used to treat both anxiety and depression (as well as a host of other conditions)
I found that it takes more than just the SSRIs to deal with the What ifs. They give you a boost, but it's like re aligning your brain. My Doctor recommended Feeling Good, the new mood therapy by Dr Burns (amazon link (Note for mods: the Amazon link is not an affiliate link)
I managed to get the eBook for cheap and it has quite a bit of homework that helps train your brain to worry less about the What ifs and really analyse them. Once you are able to fully realise what the What ifs are coming from, you are able to navigate life worrying about them.
My psychologist has me reading the DBT workbook and Trauma and Recovery.
Also, for anyone lurking who wants to learn more about CPTSD/trauma (because I was definitely that person), I recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score. It changed my life.
"In 1954, only one year after Twarog and Page reported finding serotonin in the brain, Woolley and Shaw recognized the structural relationship between LSD and serotonin and proposed that the mental effects of LSD might be caused by its interference with the actions of serotonin in the brain"
You can also find more by just searching about Twarog and Page. You can also read Michael Pollan's new book "How to change your mind" Which will cite MULTIPLE sources, studies, mostly from accredited universities such as John Hopkins, NYU, Harvard etc.
I highly suggest reading it. Everything I have referenced only touches what that book covers.
Theirs a lot more, I suggest pulling up google scholar and researching papers that are now being published online after the Nixon era ban had been lifted, universities have started uploading those.
Humans can be deeply flawed individuals and your mother certainly was one. That was very abusive and selfish of her to make you witness her betrayal and didn’t even have to decency to kick him out when you woke. If your little kid waking up as you’re actively having sex with a stranger doesn’t wake you from the destructive fog you’re in - I doubt anything would.
I am finally dealing with sex abuse that happened in early childhood as a 40 year old - so I know from personal experience how suppressing something nasty can rear its head much later and be quite painful. My advice is to talk it out. It was 15 years into marriage when I finally told my husband and a few friends. I had all this pressure built up inside of me that dissipated when I talked about it. Problem is that it wells up again and needs another release. I’m thinking about therapy and you probably should as well. I’ve started reading “the body keeps the score”. I’d recommend that book, as well as “the erotic mind” to someone having to look back to childhood trauma.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. You’re not alone in it. Sex abuse is something we tend to bury deep inside and hide. It’s a secret many people carry. Share with Reddit, with a trusted friend, and read. It’s not something you’ll look back on kindly ever, but getting it all out and having care and sympathy can help the memories sit better within you. I see your mom and her abhorrent behavior as an insanely selfish display of self destruction. She should have apologized, confessed to her partner, and the both of you should have done some individual therapy. I’m sorry she took the coward’s way out and tried to sweep it under the rug.
I highly recommend both his original text on cult behavior (he is the father of the BITE method many of us are familiar with, which cults use to break down their followers) and the Cult of Trump one that he wrote more recently.
Have you read The Body Keeps the Score? It is pretty much the go-to book for understanding the relationships between trauma and physical body reactions. (Sorry for the Amazon link if you are not an Amazon fan.)
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K
To be 100% honest, I have not finished it yet because it makes me cry and stop reading every 2-3 pages. But it is on the money.
I have struggled a lot with anxiety my entire life. I've tried a lot of different things at different times. One thing that was immensely helpful for me at a very stressful time was the book Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks. I recommend getting the audio version as well so you can just listen to the book (less effort than reading it when you aren't feeling well).
It's difficult to explain, but, I've used the techniques in the book to cure anxiety I had over very specific things in my life--think like, specific phobias. This was some years ago, and I actually got the information at the time from somewhere else, not from this book specifically.
Anyways, back to this book in particular: it employs the same techniques that were so very helpful for me in the past. I can't tell you how much they changed my life for the better. I don't know why, but I didn't realize that I could apply the same techniques to generalized anxiety and panic attacks, but that is what this book teaches you to do. You can really apply the techniques to any specific anxieties, or even to anxiety that you cannot pinpoint a source for.
I really hope you will consider getting the book! What have you got to lose, right?
(Also, if you do read the reviews on Amazon, a few people mention god in their reviews, but the book is not religious at all.)
If I may, someone mentioned the writer and I searched on Amazon. I'm finding this book an interesting read thus far:
To second this concept, you should read a book called "Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain" by John J. Ratney. It discusses the effects of exercise on the brain. There is a section specifically regarding depression and motivation.
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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000SFD21Q/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Start getting back into it slowly with walking some distance then brisk walking. This book is well worth reading. http://www.amazon.com/Spark-Revolutionary-Science-Exercise-Brain-ebook/dp/B000SFD21Q
Generic Costco 😁.
Not to get to far of into the weeds, but as a 30 something, I realized that my dad had some underlying force that drove his personality, even when he was older. I started to try to put together his childhood with these traits. Long story short, I could see that a number of traumatic events were the root. That intrigued me.
I have mentioned this in the past, but the Dug show is interesting to me not only on a mechanical level, but a psychological one. Dug is super fucked up. Not just a normal fucked up but a special kind of fucked up. But why? Watching and listening reveal pieces of the puzzle.
I'm reading a book now called The Body Keeps Score. It's a very interesting look at how the shit that happens to people from birth on fucks up their lives in ways they did not ever realize.
Meh, whatever. Welcome to Costco, I love you...
This is where I read about it, amazing book. There's also a Netflix documentary series with the same name. It doesn't cover so much of the history though, the book goes into significantly more detail.
https://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Mind-Consciousness-Transcendence-ebook/dp/B076GPJXWZ
First, congrats on getting out. Good stuff. It seems like you don't have kids either, which is amazing.
Second, what's wrong with not getting married again? As you've seen, many marriages fail. Maybe most.
Perhaps ask your therapist if she does Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy. It can help you change how you view things. I recommend this book highly. You can probably get it for free at your local library.
Give a read to Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps The Score. It may not apply directly to you, but it’s an excellent explanation of how trauma and stress derange the body’s ability to manage itself.
It is curious that the cult of woke use the exact same methods cults use to recuit members:
Combating Cult Mind Control: The Guide to Protection, Rescue and Recovery from Destructive Cults
Is there a name for this cult? Who are the leaders? This seems like something law enforcement and the media would be interested in.
I did find this: https://www.amazon.com/Combating-Cult-Mind-Control-Destructive-ebook/dp/B00V9DU340
I have suffered anywhere from mild to extreme depression (including two suicide attempts) from the age of 16 onwards. Nothing has been more helpful to me than the chapter 3 exercise in this book (I haven't read all of the book yet) https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B009UW5X4C?ref=KC_GS_GB_AU&dplnkId=e3e50d29-a09a-4928-9ea3-ebd0dbe15271