This is definitely a red flag, and it's not a healthy reaction to hypothetical cheating. I think when he said "you're not going to cheat on me so you have nothing to worry about," it was really threatening and was basically the same as saying "if you cheat on me, I really will do this."
Why Does He Do That is a book that was written by a counselor who specializes in working with controlling and toxic/abusive men. He uses his knowledge of how abusers think and his history of work to help women understand if their relationship has escalated to abuse, recognize abusive and controlling behavior in their partners, and inform women on how to leave an abusive relationship.
You can read it here for free.
This book has seriously helped me and other women that I know. I'm not saying that your partner is abusive, because only YOU can determine that. But this book will help you to figure out what's going on and give you strategies to deal with this kind of behavior. And if what you want is to leave, this book can help you make a plan to do that.
Good luck <3
I'm so sorry for your loss. The only correct response to a death in the family is "I'm so sorry, how can I help." Your boyfriend can't even display baseline human decency. Please think about how/if he makes your life better. You already wait on him hand and foot and that's apparently not enough for him.
Please read this: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_WXVGE4MKDTXHDBW20MN7
He invests a lot of energy in making sure that you always feel like garbage if you don't do what he wants. It's a choice he makes. Nothing he does is an accident.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_WXVGE4MKDTXHDBW20MN7
Not surprised but jumping in on this PURELY to say:
MEN ARE NOT VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY DRINK. THEY ARE VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY ARE VIOLENT.
They may use the booze as an excuse (and it's almost a guarantee that they will, since that's an external habit that can be stopped and they'd rather blame that than actually change), but when it comes down to it, if alcohol never existed? He'd still hit you.
Mandatory reading for every single woman on the planet: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It explains why abuse really happens and all the bullshit excuses that men use to try to make it seem like it's everyone's fault but theirs.
And here's my obligatory plug for the book that's saving my life and getting me out of the FOG,
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
Cause previously I would have felt like it was my fault I couldn't get over the abusive behavior he still refuses to take responsibility or accountability for. Peace out, STBX wBPD. ✌️
It is
It is also where she gets the 1 in 25 statement. Dsm puts prevalence of ASPD at 02% to 3.3.%. With not even half would be consinder socipaths (ignore the problem arising from jail studies)
Check out that amazing cover too "I in 25 Americans secretly have no conscience and can do anything at all without feeling guilty. Who is the devil you know?"
Read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's enlightening. I'm so glad you left, you were being abused. Good luck on your next journey. Go heal. You deserve better! We're here for you.
It's like bait so you'll say, "no no you're not really abusing me, I didn't mean it like that, just forget I said anything" etc.
Ugh.
Obligatory plug for the book that saved my life: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
Ok, the idea that you give up on your career and stay home watering the plants while he works even though you don't plan to have kids is rather strange by itself, but coupled with what you found... there's really very little chance these things are unrelated. Whatever you do, don't become financially dependent on him ever. He sounds kinda gaslighty and manipulative to me, I recommend you read this book as I'm worried there might be a lot more there that you're not seeing, you should be able to find a pdf online
Oh jesus christ. I am so, so sorry that your mother is pulling this manipulative and abusive bullshit.
And that's exactly what it is: manipulative and abusive bullshit. I don't know if anyone's recommended you check out r/raisedbynarcissists yet, but please consider doing it. You'll find a huge community of people with parents who have Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders (among others), sharing stories and getting support for situations very much like yours. This whole "I'm going to kill myself because of you" scheme is a common one. My grandmother is Borderline, and she royally fucked my family with these kinds of threats and other abusive, manipulative behaviors.
One thing that's helped me significantly (both to understand how my grandmother's mind works, how to deal with her, and how to navigate the fuckery she's made of the family) is reading books like "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells." I've also been in therapy with someone who specializes in dealing with borderline people, even though I'm not borderline myself. I 100% advocate doing research and seeking advice from therapists about your situation.
And please know that nothing your mother does is your fault. You don't deserve this kind of treatment, and you shouldn't let her convince you that everyone would be better off without you. Because she's absolutely and completely wrong.
"she's not going to change," always my favorite JustNo excuse. Must be nice to control the world and everyone in it so we all have to work around the MILs personality. ��
As a practical matter if she's not boundary stomping you to death, I'd keep trying to coexist. Though you might want to remind your DH that he married you when you have the quiet, reserved personality you have now - it's not like you sprung it on him after the fact. Did his attraction to you include the fact that you have a more restful personality than his family? And if so, why would he want you to change it?
ETA: Also, this book is excellent and very informative about introverts, I highly recommend it!
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004J4WNL2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9LI2CbQ1WKHWF
I'm right there with you. I'm heartbroken and sad and feel like I've failed. I feel like I'm abandoning someone who can't take care of himself, like I'm leaving him to die.
But that's my disorder. Of course, he's an adult and was taking care of himself (somewhat anyway) before I met him. I gave up my life to try to show him a normal one, full of kindness. But he's still sad. I can't fix it him.
This book is currently saving my life, maybe it can help you too:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
> Violence and Crime today are due to depriving people of our Christian values on respecting life.
Which would be a good argument if violence and crime weren't way down overall globally. We live in the safest era to live in ever.
Steven Pinker provides a huge amount of evidence to support this in his excellent book The Better Angels of our Nature: Why Violence has Declined.
It is also worth noting that the most violent countries in the world (excluding places that are actively at war) are almost universally Christian. If you sort the list of murder rates by country by rate descending, you will see that there is not a single country in the top 20 that is not majority Christian. And in fact, most of the countries at the top of the list have pretty high religiosity.
I'd go ahead and start with this one, or else buy it now because you'll eventually need it:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
I would skip all of them and get
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
It saved my life, and I've been recommending it as much as I can here. Several others have agreed it has been helpful.
The book Why Does He Do That was really helpful for me after leaving my ex.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Iq.kCbCX62B9H
He's not abusing you because his grief is making him do it. He's abusing you because he is an abuser, and grief is what it took to bring it out of him. Somewhere in his mentality is a mysogynistic belief that it's ok to blame and hurt women. At some point in your lives, something else bad will happen, and that side of him will show again. It will probably become more and more frequent, with less provocation required, because he'll get more and more comfortable doing it. And right now, because you stay, because you make excuses for him that it's because of his grief, because you protect him by not telling the therapist, he's learning that he can get away with it, which will probably just lower his inhibitions.
Please read the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Please get yourself to safety.
The more important the thing you're doing, the worse he'll act out. You're not allowed to let anything seem more important than him. You'd have been better off not telling him you had anything going on.
This book saved my life. Maybe it can help you. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
Honey, go get you a copy of
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
and start rebuilding yourself.
Sending you love. ❤️
I'm so sorry this happened to you, I imagine it's really scary and confusing right now. Sending internet hugs - this isn't your fault, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.
Unfortunately your bf is showing textbook signs of being abusive.
>He got really angry and threw his wallet in my direction.
>He apologized multiple times and said he didn't mean to hurt me. Then said it was my fault for making him angry
So he's sorry.... but actually it was your fault he got violent (this is called blameshifting)
>I shouldn't be upset with him because he didn't throw the wallet at me, just in my direction.
And he's not actually sorry, because it wasn't a big deal (this is minimising. And also bullshit. It IS a big deal and you have every reason to be upset).
I agree with everyone here that this will only get worse and you need to leave as soon as safely possible. To understand why, read this book:
Why Does He Do That- Lundy Bancroft
You can find a PDF free online and it really explains how abusive partners think and act.
Secondly, I recommend you get in touch with a domestic abuse counsellor/hotline - they can listen, direct you to resources and help you come up with a safety plan to leave.
You don't mention where you are, but here's a list of websites globally where you can get help.
Please know I'm thinking of you, and you are not alone
Why Does He Do That is a book that was written by a counselor who specializes in working with controlling and toxic/abusive men. He uses his knowledge of how abusers think and his history of work to help women understand if their relationship has escalated to abuse, recognize abusive and controlling behavior in their partners, and inform women on how to leave an abusive relationship and thrive without their partners.
You can read it here for free.
This book has seriously helped me and other women that I know. This book will help you to figure out what's going on definitively and with clarity, so you won't feel trapped in your own head any more. I know you said you can't imagine living without him, but if you ever want to leave, this book can help you make a plan to do that safety and come out the other side.
Good luck <3
Hey mate, I'm so sorry that happened. Killing your dog is brutal, it's the stuff of nightmares and false accusations are horrible to go through. I'm not surprised you feel it destroyed you as a person and it's gonna fuck you in the head. I'm glad that you got through it. Have you read Why does he do that? by Lundy bancroft? A lot of my clients have found it helps unfuck their head.
I'm really sorry that happened mate it's horrible for you seeing that happen to her. Are you sure he's bipolar rather than just having an abusive personality The two are often confused with each other. Either way I really suggest getting why does he do that by Lundy bancroft it's a fantastic book
The question is why continue asserting boundaries with people who don't respect them?
This book may be helpful. Don't be put off by the title (all due respect to anyone diagnosed with BPD/NPD). Full disclosure, I have BPD, NPD traits, and found this book excellent.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama-ebook/dp/B00B60DRKI
All excellent advice.. Two other book suggestions that were very eye opening for me..
This one after narcissistic ex:
The Sociopath Next Door https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000FCJXTC/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_R9Y7XG7G4Y1X8BG0N8HR
This one has saved my life:
The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_1ZTY1A70XGVXA033DP7F
You obviously have great emotional intelligence OP and picked a great field to go into - your life experiences will help you be a great counselor. Good luck!
This has been studied and written about. Great book on it called "Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience". It tells you what Flow is, why it's useful, and how you can experience it more often. Highly recommend: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000W94FE6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?\_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
NTA. I agree with the others who are saying your husband is controlling and abusive. In addition to the resources listed, you might also want to read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I'm divorcing a controlling husband myself, and I'm learning that a lot of things that I just accepted as being the way it was going to be was abusive and controlling.
I recommend this book/audiobook - “Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking” by Susan Cain. She was a lawyer herself and very much an introvert. Might be helpful to you, perhaps consider checking it out!
https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking-ebook/dp/B004J4WNL2
Done.
Also this book was a big eye opener for me when I first read it. I related very closely to the introvert scenarios used throughout the book: https://www.amazon.com.au/Introvert-Advantage-People-Thrive-Extrovert-ebook/dp/B006VUIDIY
That's rough mate and she doesnt see cause and effect, her behaviour effects you not wanting to spend time with her. Complaining constantly is disheartening, people often don't see how much OCD effects the person and everyone around them. She sounds a lot like my mum tbh, I always said on the 4th day of rowing about something you'd just end up going "yep you're right the sea is purple" so it was easier to just let her go on. Have you read inside the minds of angry and controlling men it can really help get your head round how to manage controlling/OCD type behaviours in people.
Have you seen the casual UK discord server it could give you some welcome relief right now. It's a nice bunch of people