> What a creepy little fucker. He gave me bad vibes the minute I met him. Goes to show that your intuition about people is right sometimes.
Read it. Dead serious. It will change your perspective on your gut instincts.
Hmm, especially considering he sat right next to you immediately and asked you out the day you met, it makes me wonder if he had been watching you, put his kid up to approaching you guys and "conveniently" asking to come into your house for a drink?
Trust your gut, there are a ton of red flags here. I highly recommend you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It's a great book and teaches about how to trust your instincts and deal with potentially dangerous situations. Predators take advantage of the fact it's so ingrained in women from the time we are little girls to always be polite, they know we are afraid of hurting feelings and "causing a scene" and they thrive on that hesitation. He hasn't escalated yet but it's time to cut contact and I would also invest in a doorbell or motion camera, not just for him but for general safety, especially with a little one in the house. I like your idea of having a male friend or family member on the premises when you calmly tell him this arrangement just isn't working anymore. Make sure to document everything in the event a worst case scenario happens and you have to go to police.
For sure. He had malicious attentions from the moment you felt it inwardly it’s also called red flags.
Learn to never deny your instinct and discernment, it’s a gift wired in to help you protect yourself. This could be the difference between life or death.
DO NOT GIVE ANYONE EVER the benefit of the doubt. Especially strangers, this creep invaded your personal space. He picked you. Say something to the staff report him. Also this book
The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_9nktCb4FAKCV9
Please read it! Seriously you are young and need to learn this. Everyone should! This stuff should be taught in schools. If I had half the skills taught in it, it would have saved me a lot of headaches over the years.
That is a very fast and nasty escalation -- and one that could have put you in more danger of being attacked by someone else.
Please be sure to let your boss know about this right away. As you said, you can't prove it was her, but is is pretty likely that it was. It would be wise to change your schedule. Given that your boss has already had to report your Nmonster to the police, your boss will likely want to help you do that. It would also be good to get a picture of your Nmom to the appropriate security folks at work so that they know the miscreant when they see her.
Given this incident, you would be wise to consider getting more protections for yourself in place.
You may also find this book useful The Gift of Fear.
Please take this escalation seriously and get your protections in place. One of the things that happens with ACONs is that our "Normal Meters" get broken and / or seriously skewed by decades of mistreatment by our NParents. Your buddy is freaked out for a reason. The other posters here are scared for you for a reason. If your nmom has escalated this fast and this maliciously, things aren't likely to quiet down.
Sending hugs (if you want them).
Edit: word
That is insane, but you were absolutely right to listen to your fear and act on it. If you haven’t read The Gift Of Fear I highly recommend it. Your situation sounds like one he would cover. So scary
There is definitely a creep factor involved that has nothing to do with height/size. Some guys just exude it. In the book The Gift of Fear the author talks about subtle hints that your subconscious picks up on. Innocent guys just walking the path don't throw out any of those vibes, although women are wise to be cautious whenever or wherever.
https://www.amazon.fr/Slow-Death-Days-Radiation-Sickness/dp/1942993544 read this. It’s a book about the slow death of a Japanese guy who got exposed to high doses of radiation after an nuclear accident. The book follows his battle that lasted 83 days. There is a picture of him on his last days and you don’t want to see that. It’s horrifying. On a side note, radiation sickness is fascinating. What it can do to the body is terrifyingly interesting.
When I was 17-18, I had a job at a university bookstore. There was a man who came in a lot, a professor. He liked to hang around and talk to me about books, and one day he invited me to dinner. He was at least 20 years older than me, but I was in a new city and didn't know many people, so I went.
At the restaurant, I became increasingly uneasy. I still can't put my finger exactly on why, he didn't sleaze on me, but I found myself wanting to get away from him. In the end, I picked a fight (about feminism) and stormed out of the restaurant—I even made sure I stopped and paid for everything I had eaten. I did not want to feel any obligation to him.
I avoided him after that.
He became quite famous in my country after a few books he'd written—he was a criminologist, often interviewed in the news and quoted in articles. But every time I saw his name my hackles rose—and I still could not to this day tell you exactly why. It was "just a feeling".
And he kept getting more famous... until the day, about 2 years ago, when the headlines announced he had been arrested and charged for the sexual abuse and grooming of a girl under 12.
I heard there were others, but they were historical charges and prosecutors didn't think they could get a conviction.
Absolute creep.
Moral of the story: trust your instincts. I read Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear some time after that incident and it made complete sense to me. I advise everyone, especially young women, to read it. It explains what it is your instincts are doing when they warn you, and how to learn to follow them and keep safe.
https://www.amazon.com.au/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
I just saw where you said she works with prisoners as a psychologist. That is frankly terrifying. Contact her superiors and possibly an attorney to see what legal recourse you have to protect yourself from her.
Edited to add: Please consider reading Gavin de Becker's <em>The Gift of Fear</em>. Do not ignore your inner worries when they start dinging this loudly.
Please please read: The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence . A relationship is "good" until it's not. Just like how you can feel healthy until you go to the doctor and they tell you're sick. Use your best judgement. Be safe.
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Reread your post. Can you see that he's trying to get his way regardless of your feelings? First he tried the "nice" way. I bet he also tried asking you for a baby. Then he tried telling you he wants a baby. Then he tried a guilt trip. Then he tried to dominate you. Then he HURT you and didn't let up until you agreed under force. OP, do not lie again. Do not say okay if you don't want a baby. You do not want to teach him (without meaning to) that he can get his way if he hurts you.
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Here's an amazon link for the book: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198. Maybe someone else knows where to get a free PDF?
> I thought I was being silly to have a bad feeling about this guy and I didn't want to offend
Trust your instinct next time.
Highly recommend you pick up a copy of "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.
>I asked him to leave me alone, he didn’t. So I made up some bs story that I left something behind and ran back into work.
You did well.
The Gift of Fear
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
I want to validate that it’s upsetting and it does feel dangerous. You’re not being a crybaby, especially if this is the first time you have this type of attention on you. Unfortunately, it’s a rite of passage every woman goes through.
Take women self defense classes or seminars to learn how to look unapproachable. I also recommend reading “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. Knowing that you can fight back is a powerful tool. By taking steps to protect yourself, you can feel safer.
Know that it is ok for you to be “rude”. No one is entitled to your time or your attention. My go to is to not answer or respond to attention. However, I will admit I don’t get that much attention as I’m not a conventional attractive woman so my methods may not work as well.
Taxi driver conversations: that could be mundane. You can turn it around. Give a vague reply, “the South Side” or even “I prefer to keep it private” and then ask them detailed questions so they talk about themselves. Or you can just ignore them and say you’ve had a long day. If they insist on asking you questions, then they’re being rude and intrusive.
Gaining weight as a defense mechanism is a common tactic but it has long term health consequences. I advise against it because healthcare is expensive (in the US). Also, gaining weight won’t prevent all violence against you. Being a woman comes with an inherent set of risks, regardless of size.
Random violence happens to everyone, regardless of looks, gender, or size. I don’t know the city you live in or what the circumstances are so I can’t say it will all be ok. At the same time, the world is less dangerous than the news or television shows portray. I stopped watching police procedural shows because I realized it made me paranoid to leave the house. I’ve traveled solo in US cities late at night and have been fine. I’ve also been groped in broad daylight.
The simple answer is that there is positive male media out there, just not Men As Men. Like, Batman is a dude. Groot is a dude. Ethan Hunt is a dude. All those are dudes doing cool dude shit as dudes.
The more complex answer is that, on a place like Medium, there's not a whole lot of value that's going to come out of broad "male defense". Like, what specifically are you looking for? "Congratulations on not catcalling women"? "Thanks, men, for generally existing without murdering people"?
Like it or not, humans tend to be negatively focused. It is probably an innate survival instinct. So you're going to get a dozen times as many "men, stop doing thing!" articles as you will "men, thanks for doing thing!" articles.
"Nothing happened", the word to finish that sentence is YET. while it's unknown exactly how the situation would of progressed if you hadn't left and gone to a safer location... if you feel it's dangerous that you are most likely right in your assessment. People are more perceptive than they realize.
Consider reading this book: The Gift of Fear
https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Maybe flippin' them off wasn't the smartest move, but they were already focused on harassing you. You are not responsible at all for their sinister behaviour.
It was better to run that to stay, you made the right choice.
There can be a pack mentality of men egging other men on, an action they may not initiate on their own, they will take part in, or turn a blind eye to, when they're together.
I've seen it in girls and women too (pack cruelty), more with verbal bullying, rarely physical violence.
You should read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. If you ever have kids, have them read it, too. His advice is t he same: Never go with them. Force them to commit to their choices right where you are.
/u/BarBareek if you're going to keep posting pages of this book, could you comment source. It's the polite thing to do.
Source: https://www.amazon.de/100-Deadly-Skills-Operatives-Surviving/dp/147679605X
Online copy: http://index-of.es/Varios-2/100%20Deadly%20Skills.pdf
You didn’t mess up or freeze! Your actions show that you were ridiculously aware given the circumstances (tried to call 911 first before reaching for your firearm), and something in your gut, your instinct, stopped that trigger finger unless you absolutely HAD to. You would have pulled if he attacked you, but you waited until the absolute last possible second to decide whether to take a life, and that shows courage and really trusting your instincts and your training. There was probably a little spark in your brain somewhere that said "If he really was going to attack me he'd already be doing it, not standing there taunting me." (If you haven't read The Gift of Fear, do.) Nobody died or went to the hospital, and you get to sleep in your own bed. That was the best possible outcome you could have had. Don't wish you could go back and do it over again and shoot someone... as traumatizing as having a psycho bathrobe ninja fall out of your ceiling is, that would be far worse for your mental health.
NTA. It's better to be rude than dead. Women are taught to be overly polite and worry more about someone else's comfort than their own. You are allowed to behave and feel however you like. Anyone who tells you that you shouldn't feel a certain way is deluded or trying to manipulate you.
Never let anyone talk you into giving someone a chance that you are not interested in dating. You are not required to go on a date with someone just because they ask. You get a vote-- and no one else.
You can break up with someone for any reason- it doesn't have to be some imaginary "good enough" reason.
Digital stalking is still stalking. Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse.
Read "The Gift of Fear." It's the manual on how to stay safe and recognize when your gut has it right.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440226198/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_PJB8SJW18H7JP5ZMPXEK
You own your feelings and choices. Do not let a committee run your life.
NTA - absolutely gotta trust your gut instinct on something like this- that's the crux of Gavin de Becker's fantastic book, The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Absolutely wouldn't spend any time alone with that cousin after something like that.
> Don't ever tell him you intend to leave until you are leaving and do so with people there who can assist you in leaving.
YES. There are more tips in this book, but OP, I would recommend you only get an electronic copy of this book (Kindle or on your computer desktop or whatever), so that he doesn't see it:
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
That book is a godsend. It talks about protecting yourself from both stranger violence and intimate violence. A random woman I met at a party once confided that it had saved her life. It also helped a friend of mine plan her divorce from her abusive husband.
There’s a book I like to recommend to young people called The Gift of Fear about how to recognize and protect yourself from violence. It covers lots of different topics from street stalking to relationship manipulation and domestic abuse and everything in between.
It also covers what you’re asking. In controlling and abusive relationships, yes there are signs, often from the start, but if you don’t recognize them or grew up in an abusive home they can be easy to miss. It’ll start really subtlety, and may even seem endearing, like maybe he wants you to call every night to check in or ‘wants to keep you all to himself’ and discouraged contact with friends or family. It’s a slow push over time of wearing down boundaries. Verbal abuse may start but it’ll often be followed up with apologies after, maybe even a treat. Same with physical abuse. Promises never to do it again. It “was just a bad day”. It escalates from there.
Her relationship likely didn’t start out with him being controlling. Also many people find having someone take charge comforting. I can see how someone could miss the signals that something is wrong.
Just a friendly guy, minding his own business, lurking in the bushes, jumping out and hurrying to catch up with her and talk about bunnies, right? Nothing sus about that at all!
OP, always trust your gut instincts. Everyone should. The gift of fear.
You’re doing the right thing by asking this question first.
First, read up on self defense law as much as you can. Read The Law of Self Defense. Read it again.
There are a lot of details during a home defense situation that could lead you to be prosecuted, and those reasons vary by state. If you decide to arm yourself, you’re on the hook to know and understand the complex landscape of self defense law. Learn as much as you can and then learn some more.
Most importantly, never trust that if a specific case went right for someone, the exact same case would have the same outcome for you. The law, justice, and the way it is served is inconsistent at best. You have to prepare for the aftermath as much as the act itself.
I completely agree. OP, I highly recommend this book -- it has incredibly useful advice on how to deal with stalkers, harassers, etc.:
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
Personally "SAS Survival hand book" by John Wiseman. It's not a prepper book in the sense your looking for, but it is important in that it teaches mental preparedness.
SAS Survival Handbook, Third Edition: The Ultimate Guide to Surviving Anywhere https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062378074/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_HzorDbTMVBCZP
Before we got married, my wife had two "stalkers" like this. Annoying, creepy, but nothing criminal. One had a traumatic brain injury and the other guy had a different disorder. Subtle hints that she was not interested did nothing. She never tried the direct approach, and I'm not sure that it would have worked. Cognitive dissonance was big with these guys.
Gavin de Becker is a security expert, and in his book he says many of these types of guys are clueless, but harmless. Of course, some cross the line to harmful. His recommendation was to starve the stalker of any attention until they shifted their focus elsewhere. He found that threats or restraining orders were counter productive in most situations.
Holy shit this has more red flags than a communist propaganda parade.
This guy is abusive and controlling. You may not see it yet because it’s early and I’m sure he has also been fun/sweet/a good time/whatever. But his reaction to you being proactive in sex is a ‘fuck that nuke this asshole from orbit’ situation.
Who in gods green hell gets mad at you’ve sex partner shifting or helping to become more accessible? Does he prefer fucking starfish corpses? That he is getting irrationally angry about you offering a helping hand or shifting position is just so fucked up I can’t even fathom.
Also the comment about you being loose is bullshit and has r/badwomensanatomy written all over it.
There’s a book I like to recommend to young women, I think you should check it out too called The Gift of Fear it’s about how to recognize when you might be in danger, how to identify if someone has abusive or manipulative tendencies, how to trust your gut (we women often ignore and second guess our instincts). It’s an easy read and will give you a lot of food for thought.
I’m sorry this happened to you. This wasn’t your fault. Do not for the love of all things that are good go back to him. He’s an asshole.
>I've had this anxious feeling in the back of my mind ever since she showed up at my job last month before Christmas.
I suggest reading The Gift of Fear. It's a really great book about learning to trust your instincts when something seems off. Your mind is screaming, "Danger! Will Robinson" because your subconscious knows that something is about to go down. Be careful.
There’s a book called The Gift of Fear that goes into detail about how to identify and protect yourself from violence. It’s an easy read & what you’re talking about is one of the things that’s covered.