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Read and follow this book. If you are diligent, it will change everything. It takes work. Hubby needs to be on board.
Raising Your Spirited Child, Third Edition: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062403060/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_9o71BbPH5QVCB
Bottom line: you are in control, you just need to remember that, and find the method of behavior modification that works with your SS.
Agree! My family had the classic children's book <em>Where Did I Come From?</em> around the house when I was a kid, which I think was good.
But my parents were very late in talking to me about puberty stuff. When I was 12 or 13 in the 1990s, I clearly remember them sheepishly handing me some cringeworthy book with literal 70s teenagers in flares rollerskating on the cover. I already knew so much by then so the book was never opened.
Simplicity Parenting is a great book and well worth a read.
"Where Did I Come From" by Peter Mayle. An illustrated children's book about human sexuality. Published January 1, 1973.
https://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-Come-Peter-Mayle/dp/0818402539/
So there’s a wonderful book call “Love and Logic” that discusses how to reframe your brain on how to deal with child issues.
First step, realize coming at your chicks in anger and frustration turns of the learning part of the brain (think “Fight or Flight response”). Coming at it with love and empathy is key. This keeps the learning brain active.
Now, the difficult part is getting your brain right. Next when screaming or whining occurs you just say with a loving and empathetic tone, “oh, I’m sorry, I can’t hear you when you whine” or “I can’t hear you when you scream”. Maybe imitate and say, “ this is a whiny voice, I can hear you when you use your big boy voice”
If it persists, with empathy you say “how sad, it looks like we need a little bedroom time” and put them in the bedroom until he or she calms down. Having locks on the outside are handy, but really you need to be by the door (without speaking to the child) until they calm down, then give it a little more time for yourself (the book goes into more detail on how and why). Some parents aren’t keen on the idea of locking a kid in a room, but if you do it right, you won’t have to do it much, and they will eventually learn that when you say “how sad” or “bummer” or whatever your chosen phrase is, they just go to they’re room. This works on our 2.5 and 1.5 year old like a charm now.
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
>Parenting
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>Haven’t been able to keep calm with the kids. This is my goal, but I get angry when they don’t listen after repeating something 3 times. I
I swear by this book, 123 magic. I didn't realize it before writing about it on here but it fits in perfectly with all the other mrp stuff. Stop DEERing to your kids, stop throwing shame and guilt at them. Create consistent boundaries and enforce them with little, if any, emotion.
>It's essentially red pill for kids.
I'm so glad you liked 123 Magic. When I first saw you read it I thought, wait, that's not red pill. But the book is essentially just, set boundaries for your kids that you can be consistent with (don't rambo) and then strip out your emotions from the enforcement (Plus STFU and stop DEERing to your kids all the time about the boundaries)
Thank you! Our first is just over 3 and doing pretty good. He loves letters and asking the question "why" about a hundred times in a row.
I'm gonna be real, the 4 month sleep regression hit us hard. Everything was gravy until then. I can give you all sorts of info on what we did for sleeping, potty training, keeping our sanity, etc., but honestly I think the best thing I can tell you is just love your kid and do what you actually think is best. There's going to be pros and cons to every side - ex: "If I coddle them too much they will become too dependent on me." "If I don't coddle them they will feel like I've abandoned them." - It's impossible to know the truly best thing, so just enjoy getting to know your daughter and what she seems to respond well with, and if you end up second guessing yourself on decisions know that that is totally normal too.
ALSO, this book was really helpful for us for sleep training.
It’s a book with lots of tips for discipline/stopping behaviors without the usual power struggles between parent and a more spirited child. The 123 part is that when the kid does something wrong like in the OP’s case if turning every request by the parent into an argument or negotiation, they get 2 chances to stop and then at 3 is the consequence. (You do explain this new way of the rules working to the child and they even walk you through that in the book in age appropriate ways). Like parent says “billy, time to pick up your toys” and he ignores you (but you know he heard you), you simply say “that’s 1”. If he then starts arguing “I don’t want to.” Or “when I finish” you can say “that’s 2, I told you to pick up now”. If he doesn’t comply then you say “that’s 3, go take a time out”.
The book describes different “punishments” and all that too. We used time outs. It sounds simplistic, but once your child starts to understand that a 3 always (and this is the important part—consistency) means a punishment they will start to comply before it gets to that. It helped us stop the back and forth between me and my son. To stop him from pushing my buttons and me from getting angrier and frustrated and yelling at him. After a bit you just have to say “that’s 1” (and you always say it calmly) and they know you mean business and do what you’ve asked. There’s a lot more to it and it explains the whys and different scenarios. The book is probably even better in newer editions as my spirited kid is 16 now. 1-2-3 Magic book
What is your take on the common approach in Lithuania (and I assume most post soviet countries)?
When I was a kid, among my many educational books was this gem, translated. I don't remember getting it, that's how young I was. And I don't know any kid who didn't see it before they came to school (age 7). While I did learn the sexy side of sex in school and thanks to the internet, and sex ed that came when we were like 11-12 (condoms and that stuff), most of us came to school knowing where babies come from and how genitals work in the same tone as we knew what a nose is for.
All the sex talk and puberty stuff was always giggly and a bit red-faceing to talk about with parents, but it was never about how it works, more how it relates to my life. Could never relate to all the US media having comedy about the "when a man and a woman" joke line. Kids knew what sex was before they knew who Santa was, and that didn't seem weird to anyone.
You mean like Where Did I Come From?, which is a hugely popular book in America for explaining sex to young children? Spoiler: It contains penises!
I guess my parents -and millions of others- were sex criminals in your view.
Hi sure thing! This is the book we followed. We also practiced taking cara babies newborn sleep techniques- it's about $80 i think but so worth it. I say this because- we technically never ended up "sleep training" our kid, she learnt how to go to be independently because we practised cara's tips on helping her learn. I'd recommend starting there and then reading the happy sleeper book to implement some night time routines and schedules
>She decided to hide my work laptop in response.
I might've pointed this out last week, you could treat this like her flirting with you.
>So I find myself in a negotiation to get my work laptop back and have to hand her the TV cables ( I am still a VP in the office). I am completely ridicilous and an embarrassment. Will not do something like this again.
Are you talking about you will not do your original removal of the tv or your negotiation for your laptop back?
If you wanted to remove a tv from your teenage daughter's room how would you go about it? If your teenager responded by hiding your laptop, how would you respond to that? Speaking of kids....
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>Oftentimes I get frustrated and raise my voice or even get physical (holding them not hitting). I am aware this is total weak ass shit. Grown man cant even hold frame with little kids and gets triggered - embarrassing. Will continue to focus on this and go broken record and without emotional outbursts.
What you’re describing isn’t abnormal at all for a 23 month old, “covid baby” or not. I mean to say, you didn’t ‘do’ this to him, this is just normal toddler behavior. Sharing willingly and enthusiastically is a much higher level skill. Sharing at all is not developmentally appropriate until 3.5-4 years old. Maybe you will find this article helpful. I’d also really recommend this book called ‘It’s OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids’!
I'm so sorry that happened to you and your friends. My daughters were raised in an open information household. Their favorite book before they could read themselves was, "Where Did I Come From?" (https://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-Come-Peter-Mayle/dp/0818402539).
#1, yes, you will probably pass it on to your kids. But you will also be be passing on the healthy coping skills and mechanisms that you didn't get. You will be saving them a lot of time, and you'll be passing on your creativity, too!
#2, you would be surprised how focused you get on keeping something alive. Once it's your kid, you will do pretty much whatever it takes. You can cultivate more confidence by reading good parenting books...like this.
#3, you will find so much self-forgiveness after having a child. All the things you've spent a lifetime hating yourself for start to crumble. You really start to internalize the fact that you were a child and you did the best you could. And you can take heart in the fact that you can help build the resilience and skills with them that will benefit them FOR LIFE.
Sounds like you could use this book: 1-2-3 Magic: Gentle 3-Step Child & Toddler Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting (Positive Parenting Guide for Raising Happy Kids) https://smile.amazon.com/dp/149262988X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_5PZZ4M6WRS4XZA3219G5
Used it with my kids years ago. It’s very easy (takes some time and patience) and works great.
She certainly sounds spirited! May want to check out this book: Raising Your Spirited Child, Third Edition: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic (Spirited Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062403060/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_8BY92MMVWF9GXFC2HM1E
Act like nothing happened and move on. We also sometimes use escalation options like taking away special toys (our flourish). The guy who came up with this system is kind of a kook but wrote a whole book exploring the “what ifs” and proposed solutions:
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-Effective-Parenting/dp/149262988X
>I could refuse to acknowledge the message because of how it was delivered (what i have been doing), or I could listen to the meaning and refuse to engage further with how it was being delivered.
The difference you're describing here is a valuable way to think of this. What you did describes exactly how I would define 'boundaries' and is so much more advanced than the askMRP post where a guy announces "I will not put up with your treatment!!!" while engaging in an argument.
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>I don't want to dismiss the feelings of someone that I care about. I am still working on doing this without feeling like a pussy.
She's just a little girl on the inside. When one of your little kids is throwing a tantrum, you don't tell them their feelings are wrong, or stupid, or try to point out all the reasons they don't need to feel that way. You give them a break. And you don't really even need to speak with them about it later. They'll learn how to communicate with you based on your attention.
I got a cartoon book that is great for starting the topic. "Where did I come from?" https://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-Come-Peter-Mayle/dp/0818402539 It works for any age and is basic, but gives you all the info to begin the topic.
My parents got us a book about where babies come from. We also had a computer program called A.D.A.M. that taught basic anatomy and some physiology via a scrapbook. The pregnancy expansion was called Nine Month Miracle and went through the development from gametes to baby. It still took me an embarrassingly long time to make the connection between babies and sex. As we got older my parents would answer any questions we had, regardless of how awkward it was.
I also found my mom’s romance novels around age 12 and got into fanfiction about that time as well, so there’s that, lol
I guess I was lucky.
I had THIS BOOK as a child.
The more that I stay in this sub the more that I realize I wasn't as Mormon as I thought I was growing up.
Would recommend this book: Parenting With Love and Logic
Used the concepts and strategies both in raising my daughter and when dealing with students as a teacher. The idea is to be accepting and loving but hold them accountable for their behaviors. As u/PotatoMonster20 mentions, "find a way to turn each problem around and make it THEIR problem." The book focuses heavily on that strategy.
As a child and adolescent therapist, I also recommend this book to help form a discipline plan you can use until they’re into their teen years, and to help you understand how to deal with tantrums (public and private) and just about anything one could expect from a child.
I think it’s time to start paying attention to the sleep posts because we’re on day 3 of fighting sleep and it’s progressed into his naps now. Baby is 11 weeks so I think it’s too early for the dressed sleep regression but man, he’s just a mess. Currently sleeping on my chest after putting him down in the bassinet 3 different times over an hour didn’t work. I started reading this book on sleeping and I feel overwhelmed and like I’ve already made mistakes with what I’ve been doing.
Do not beg, do not plead. 2 year olds understand. Your 2 year old understands that this is "funny" for him. Rule is he has to hold hands or be strapped down (shopping cart, stroller, etc) until he listens. This is a safety issue.
I make the request "come hold moms hand". If he doesn't I then count to 3 one time. 1, 2, 3. My 23 month old knows exactly what that means. If he doesn't listen I calmly scoop him and enforce the behavior in a firm tone "we do not run away from mommy. It is not safe, you could get hurt". If he runs away the next time we go somewhere I say "we have to hold hands/strap you in stroller/etc to keep yous are because you keep running away"
1-2-3 Magic: Gentle 3-Step Child & Toddler Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting (An Interactive Guide for Raising Strong-Willed Children) https://www.amazon.com/dp/149262988X/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_ZBK2MEDS0G2VTRKEQQRD
> They all need nearly the same thing. Time: Attention: Praise: Boundaries:
1,000%
>I also modeled it so it wasn't hard. All this is leadership. They need it, and you can't LARP it. A lot like women, huh? Kids smell bullshit easily. Becoming a HVM exponentially helps what I just outlined.
Listen u/omured, this is critical that you're modeling a healthy example of an adult man for your kids.
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My favorite book on parenting has been 123 magic. This is for kids under age 10. There's another book, parenting with love and logic and it's excellent but you need to implement 100% of the strategies they discuss. Some of the most dumb fucking pushover helicopter parents I've ever known are people who read PWL&L and just took away the parts that made them feel good.
Please do not call CPS. That’s pouring gas on an already stressful situation.
The parents need a copy of 1-2-3 Magic.