This is definitely a red flag, and it's not a healthy reaction to hypothetical cheating. I think when he said "you're not going to cheat on me so you have nothing to worry about," it was really threatening and was basically the same as saying "if you cheat on me, I really will do this."
Why Does He Do That is a book that was written by a counselor who specializes in working with controlling and toxic/abusive men. He uses his knowledge of how abusers think and his history of work to help women understand if their relationship has escalated to abuse, recognize abusive and controlling behavior in their partners, and inform women on how to leave an abusive relationship.
You can read it here for free.
This book has seriously helped me and other women that I know. I'm not saying that your partner is abusive, because only YOU can determine that. But this book will help you to figure out what's going on and give you strategies to deal with this kind of behavior. And if what you want is to leave, this book can help you make a plan to do that.
Good luck <3
I'm so sorry for your loss. The only correct response to a death in the family is "I'm so sorry, how can I help." Your boyfriend can't even display baseline human decency. Please think about how/if he makes your life better. You already wait on him hand and foot and that's apparently not enough for him.
Please read this: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_WXVGE4MKDTXHDBW20MN7
The good times are part of the abuse. They keep you questioning whether you’re imagining it or whether you should stay.
I highly suggest this book:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_nSHMFbK2HKG7E
For grad school, I took a class called principles of learning. In it, I read Make It Stick which basically spells out what you observed as the ideal method of learning. I highly suggest it. The book gave me a ton of methods to learn more effectively.
Ma’am, your husband has a personality disorder and is an abuser. That bathroom wall banging is 100% a manipulation tactic. So is the sulking and the temper tantrums. Please read this book, ideally on an e-reader where he can’t see it - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_0A33SF6RMKT4WM9Y36NP
He invests a lot of energy in making sure that you always feel like garbage if you don't do what he wants. It's a choice he makes. Nothing he does is an accident.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_WXVGE4MKDTXHDBW20MN7
Not surprised but jumping in on this PURELY to say:
MEN ARE NOT VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY DRINK. THEY ARE VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY ARE VIOLENT.
They may use the booze as an excuse (and it's almost a guarantee that they will, since that's an external habit that can be stopped and they'd rather blame that than actually change), but when it comes down to it, if alcohol never existed? He'd still hit you.
Mandatory reading for every single woman on the planet: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It explains why abuse really happens and all the bullshit excuses that men use to try to make it seem like it's everyone's fault but theirs.
Going against the grain here, I don't think this is actually about logic OR emotions.
I think it's about control. Alarm bells started going off the more I read that this, I think it's a delibrate tactic to get you under his control, which is what abusive people want most of all.
>Queue 'why are you being so stubborn?', 'are you trying to deliberately hurt me?', 'are you trying to prove a point or something?', 'would it hurt you to do it this way?', 'I thought you cared about my feelings and my support'
🚩🚩🚩 so from this paragraph I see him deliberately: 1) making you feel like you need to justify your actions to him. You don't, but making you do so changes the power dynamic in his favour. It also keeps you focused on your actions and behaviour so you don't have the time to take a critical look at his behaviour.
2) using emotional manipulation. Not only do you owe him an explanation, but when you do something he doesn't like he turns it into you hurting him. This is manipulative AF and intentional.
3) wearing down your defences. This shit sounds exhausting, and while you can fight back now, I imagine that after weeks/months/years of it you'll just get so tired you'll stop fighting back. Then you'll just do what he wants how he wants to avoid the fight. THIS is his ultimate goal, to make you compliant.
>What should I do?
Fucking run, this is only going to get worse.
And please, take a look at the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft, you can find the PDF for free online.
Bra tekst, men det er flere faktorer her, og dette er ikke særnorsk; vi er uten tvil del av en vestlig trend. F.eks. så snudde nedgangen i selvmordsrate i USA rundt år 2000 og har steget hvert år etter det. Selvmord blant unge jenter har virkelig økt de siste årene, og de starter nesten å ta igjen guttene.
Jonathan Haidt har skrevet en veldig interessant bok[1] om disse trendene.
Faktorene som nevnes er bl.a. endring i barneoppdragelse til mer overbeskyttende foreldre, mindre uorganisert lek uten oppsyn, og sist, men ikke minst, fremveksten av sosiale medier.
Resultatet blir at en stor gruppe ungdommer ikke har lært seg å takle motgang, ikke har lært seg konflikthåndtering, og i tillegg er psykologisk nedbrutt av å ha levd de formative årene på sosiale medier.
Hjelper vel heller ikke at disse ungdommene vokser opp i en Verden som blir mer ustabil og segmentert, og hvor effekten av klimaendringene begynner å bli synlige.
Det hjelper vel heller ikke at de vokser opp i et sekulært og nihilistisk samfunn med enormt fokus på individualisme/hedonisme. De får ingen hjelp fra religion eller ideologi, de må selv finne en mening i en kaotisk Verden.
Vanligvis skal vel vi gamlinger se ned på nyere generasjoner og skryte over hvor hardt vi hadde det, men slik situasjonen er nå ser det ut som GenZ kommer til å ha mye hardere liv enn oss. Iallfall vi som er millenials som akkurat slapp unna SoMe i ungdomstiden.
[1] https://www.amazon.com/Coddling-American-Mind-Intentions-Generation/dp/0735224897
Read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's enlightening. I'm so glad you left, you were being abused. Good luck on your next journey. Go heal. You deserve better! We're here for you.
This emphasizes different points from those made in Loewen's Lies My Teacher Told Me. https://www.amazon.com/Lies-My-Teacher-Told-Everything/dp/0743296281
Texas is the most populous state to approve textbooks at the state level. That means textbook publishers cater to Texas or their books fail, and schools elsewhere are often stuck with whatever Texas approved.
Texas is a Red state still deeply in denial about slavery and racism. Last I checked, kids in Texas public schools are still taught that the Civil War started for a "variety" of reasons, only one of which was slavery.
Publishers who want a successful textbook must therefore cater to Texas by downplaying the viciousness and significance of slavery. This is a primary reason why teachers have a hard time finding the materials they need.
Angry and controlling men seem to think that there is no way they can be abusive if they don't physically hurt their wife.
YOU ARE ABUSIVE.
Wish I could give your wife this book.
That doesn't mean everyone who tells you to up your meds is right, or coming from a good place. Abusive men LOVE to tell their partners they're crazy/paranoid/overly senisitve/imagining things/overreacting
Please read this book
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Ok, the idea that you give up on your career and stay home watering the plants while he works even though you don't plan to have kids is rather strange by itself, but coupled with what you found... there's really very little chance these things are unrelated. Whatever you do, don't become financially dependent on him ever. He sounds kinda gaslighty and manipulative to me, I recommend you read this book as I'm worried there might be a lot more there that you're not seeing, you should be able to find a pdf online
I'd encourage you to do more research. Most abusers are extremely charming and emotionally manipulative. Many abusers seem like genuinely great people to everyone around them because they're not just some general indiscriminate asshole, and they may treat everyone other than the victim very well. There's a book about exactly this, the author did a lot of investigation through interviews with both the abused and the abuser. Most of the abusers saw nothing wrong with their actions because they veiwed the victim as sub-human and belonging to them.
At the end of the day, it's a power thing and abusers use a wide variety of tactics to gain power of their abuser, ranging from physical abuse to often making the victim doubt their own mental facilities through creative methods.
Two of the most fascinating to me were the following.
One guy would hide things his wife needed, like keys when she was leaving, and then watch as she became increasingly frantic. Once she was in tears, turning the house upside down, tearing her hair out, he would leave the keys in an obvious place like a table and say something along the lines of, "look it's right there. I don't know why you can never find things, you're losing you mind"
Another guy dimmed the lights, Everytime his wife left the room and then would adamently deny it, and call her paranoid and imagining things.
This book is absolutely the most incredible thing I've come across so far. I started out using Code academy but honestly I kept getting bored with how linear it was (In my opinion) and honestly I personally learn better when I can take the bite sized pieces and do what I want with them which is what this book does.
It defines the function simply, gives examples of how it's used and then a visible representation of the function in action, and after that it'll give you exercises (that I like to customize) that you can try yourself. I'm only on chapter four which introduces loops but this book goes everywhere with me along with a journal to physically write down code and then test it when I'm near a computer.
There are other books in this series but I refuse to overwhelm myself with too many books at once.
I'm aware not everyone retains information the same way but if you'd like I can post pictures of the layout of the book so you can get a feel for it. I'm fairly new to Python and it is my first language (although I did look into Javascript, CSS and HTML first but didn't actually retain it as well. I intend to go back to those after I 'master' python.)
Sorry for the book of a comment! I got excited...
You should check out this book The Coddling of the American Mind. It talks about just this! There's basically three untruths that people are clinging to: (1) what doesn't kill you makes you weaker, (2) always trust your feelings, and (3) life is a battle between good and bad people. There's this mentality that everyone is so inherently fragile that we must be protected all the time. Couple this with the fact that people conflate their feelings with reality. This is the exact opposite of what cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) teaches people who are recovering from anxiety disorders. Just because you think something is scary/wrong, doesn't mean it actually is.
I agree that just a u-turn back to the Hard Knocks method probably isn't right, but we need to teach people that it's OK to feel uncomfortable and anxious sometimes. It isn't always reality and it's rarely the end of the world.
Abusers will try to convince you their feelings are the problem. "I was mad, I was frustrated, I felt scared of losing you, I just love you so much". But everyone experiences those same emotions without abusing others.
An abuser does not have a problem with how they feel, they have a problem with how they think. They think they're entitled to attention, care-taking, interest, to a person giving up who she is to focus entirely on the abuser's needs. And when they don't get what they think they're entitled to, they feel entitled to call that person horrible things. They give themselves permission to express those feelings based on how they think.
Never be misled; if someone talks to you this way its not because "they were mad". It's because they think it's okay to express their anger in that toxic unfair way. Read more here if you need
I recently read Lundy Bancroft's book on abusive men: "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", and I was really impressed with it.
It totally opened my eyes to men's abusiveness, and dispelled a lot of the misconceptions that I had about men's harmful and cruel behavior. (It also honestly helped me wrap my head around how contradictory the men who espouse gender identity are (Riley Dennis, Zinnia Jones, Contrapoints, etc), because once you get down to it they're just another flavor of abusive man)
I made this little review video to encourage people to check the book out if they've never heard of it before.
Link to the book on Lundy's website (2nd book down from top of page): http://lundybancroft.com/books/
Link to the book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
I've read so many of those Reilly books and they are all super dull and sometimes hard to follow. Best python book I came across is this Python Crash Course: A Hands-On, Project-Based Introduction to Programming https://www.amazon.com/dp/1593276036/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_OByyCbMTJD8GC
Not a summary, but I was curious to know more about the plot as well, and this Amazon link has a good product description and excerpts from the book if you scroll down.
I used to think this to. That my lack of education or caring somehow triggered the violence in my life. If you can find a library, many offer free audio and ebooks, please check out this book. It helped my world make sense.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
> After the dinner date we went back to his place. We were on the couch. Nothing had happened yet, he just had his arm around me. I was a little buzzed off the wine, and he said "I want to show you something."
So he didn't talk to you about hypnotizing you, and get your consent? Did you have a talk about limits and what's okay, and how much control he should have?
> He told me a little more about how he likes to use hypnosis to enhance the bedroom. So as we would text, he would send me images about erotic hypnosis all day. When I wasn't at work, he would send me videos, audios, or we would have hypnotic phone sex.
It sounds like you got into a steady relationship, but he sounds like he likes to push past your limits and uses hypnosis to do so, and is isolating your from your friends, family and work. These are all classic abuser techniques. Do you feel safe in your relationship? Are you able to say no and have him respect that? Does he try to control you or speak for you outside of your sexual relationship?
They sit directly in front of us (we go middle/aisle with them in middle aisle in front of us). Because youngest is "6 and under", we get family boarding still.
In terms of "Chester", I don't fear that at all. Are some people weird? Sure. But the odds of "Chester" having the seat next to my kids is so infinitesimally small it's not something I concern myself with.
<em>The Coddling of the American Mind</em> by Jonathan Haidt (the same guy who wrote The Righteous Mind) is a must read for parents. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Here is their Atlantic Article that was the primer for the book; but the book is significantly better and addresses over-coddling/overprotection of kids much more in depth than this article (which focuses primarily on the academics).
I had the same situation a few years ago. We used C/C++ at school, but I wanted to learn Python. It's quite simple compared to C.
I used this book along with Derek Banas' videos on youtube
A book I found invaluable was Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I never thought my ex was abusive; I just thought he was a dickhead. Reading about the patterns of anger I was shocked into recognition. It was devastating in its way... But helped me to detach, eventually.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Good on you for getting out! Best wishes for the days ahead.
The fact that he’s making this all about himself when you were the one who had to go through all of the serious physical aspects of pregnancy and loss ... is truly terrible. The fact that you don’t believe you can safely talk to your therapist about this is not okay. I hope that you can get the help you need. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9H84TET0I137&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+lundy+bancroft&qid=1576347460&sprefix=Why+does+he+%2Caps%2C152&sr=8-1
Please read this book
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
If you can get your mother to read it, it would be great. Buying her a copy is probably a risky idea, maybe send her a link once she has a laptop? Assuming your father doesn't have access to it? Please keep in mind that abuse tends to escalate when the abuser feels his victim might be getting ready to leave him, it's the most dangerous time for her.
The book Why Does He Do That was really helpful for me after leaving my ex.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Iq.kCbCX62B9H
I used to read that subreddit back in 2013 when I was going through a particularly difficult time with my mother. She's mentally ill and was abusive towards my father and I was considering going "no contact" with her (which is a term used in that community to refer to fully breaking ties with someone). My mom is self-centered and unable to empathize with others and I thought that subreddit could help.
There were some legit posters who also seemed to understand how narcissists behave (they have traits like making very fast friendships and also dividing everyone in their life into rigid "with me" or "against me" camps). That was then, in 2013, and I only read it for maybe 4 months. There was also an undercurrent of victimology among some posters who were looking for people to blame for their own unhappiness. It's one thing to be dealing with a narcissist who you live with or who you're married to -- that's a big problem if you find yourself in conflict with them, fighting with a narcissist is scorched earth stuff -- but once you've "escaped" your npd parent and are an adult, it's time to assume responsibility for dealing with it and moving on. Some people prefer not to move on because they don't want to bare any responsibility because doing so means accepting that at least some of their unhappiness might be their own fault.
I just checked out the subreddit again now and it's fairly unrecognizable from its 2013 version. Yikes. My guess is that the SJW problem has gotten a lot worse in the last 5 years and so the balance of power in the subreddit has tilted decidedly in favor of newer, younger victim-minded posters. Jonathan Haidt's new book should deal with some of these trends in child rearing and socialization.