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It’s men who think being nice to a woman is the way into her pants. Typically, they are only nice to people they want something from. That’s why a lot of people view them as manipulative as well. This is usually due to the “nice guy” not wanting to sexualize the women, often in an effort to try to set themselves apart. Problem is, they forget women are sexual too and don’t necessarily disqualify someone for being insinuative. No sexual tension(I’m using the phrase loosely) means no attraction. They don’t realize this and because they were nice and expected sex in return, they lash out.
I think that’s what I’ve gathered over the years of hearing the term.
Edit: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW
A lot of the issues are psychological in nature. I wasn’t a “neck beard” but I was a “nice guy”. There are several issues with “nice guy” thinking/behavior:
- The incessant people pleasing or the inability to say no due to a fear and or lack of ability in handling conflict
- Lack of boundaries
- Covert contracts - the “if I’m nice to you, you’ll be nice to me” or “if I help you, then you’ll help me” thinking that goes on behind the scenes that is never fully verbalized
- Lack of understanding that one has needs, it’s ok to pursue said needs, and you are the only person who can fulfill those needs.
- Indirect pursuit of needs - If you need help, ask for help. You don’t help someone thinking they’ll help you in return when it was never promised. Etc.
This book changed my life:
Here are some sayings I like because they are lessons I learned the hard way: "What you allow will continue." "You teach people how to treat you." "If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will either."
My dear you also need to work on your shiny spine. This book about assertiveness training will help immensely with that. :)
I highly recommend you read the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, he tackles extacly all of the things you mention.
- porn addiction
- masturbation
- not having needs fulfilled in childhood, which leads to drama in adulthoood
- learning how to communicate own needs
- learning how to set boundaries
- learn to love and show affection
It isn't a pick-up, or a seduction book, it is a self help book for men. Oh and if you are in America, there are No more Mr. Nice Guy support groups, which will highly increase your recovery success.
https://archive.org/stream/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy_djvu.txt
4.6/5 in Amazon with more than 4000 ratings, the book is that good.
https://www.amazon.com/-/es/Robert-Glover/dp/0762415339
I read it a while back, but I think I am going to read it again, since I realize I may have fallen in old habits deemed detrimental to my wellbeing.
Let me just add to this that I know a lot of people have had shitty upbringings and deal with toxic parents. If therapy isn’t an option right now, or even if you are in therapy I recommend reading this book.
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407
You could totally sue her in small claims court for ruining your wedding cake. A police report would really help with that and the RO (as evidence).
As others are saying you should be on high alert now. You are in for quite the extinction burst. There are plenty of MILs on here that are now in jail for attempting things like murder and arson as part of their extinction bursts. As the age old saying goes, "better safe than sorry".
As for DH, it sounds like he may need some therapy to come to terms with the fact that he has a just no for a mother. This list of books will help with that. This book in particular will help him build his shiny spine.
Take all the precautions and stay safe. Congratulations on your newlywed bliss!
I had a similar "If I'm going to kill myself, why don't I try to have a better life first" experience too. It was about 35 years ago. And yes, I'm happy and fulfilled. The journaling is great (If you don't know about cognitive behavioral therapy, look it up. My experience came from this book which may be dated, but I think still has value). My story is not your story, but if I could make through mine with a happy ending, then you can find one for yourself as well.
Everything you said, plus:
>I'm now where I should have been at 25, and I'm 37.
There is no "should be" script in life. We are where we are; some imaginary or idealized person's life is does not apply to our personal circumstances.
If OP cannot get to a mental health professional, I urge her to get the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. My therapist co-signs that book as well and even gave me activities to work on similar to what that book goes over, like a mind map and mood chart.
Read this book! It is not about becoming a dick to others but learning to stand up for yourself
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No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
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"Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.
Alcohol can cover up anxiety, which is probably what it's doing to you. There are other treatments for anxiety that do not have the negative health impacts that alcohol does.
I found this book very helpful, and only £1.50 for the kindle edition
You can reduce your anxiety without medication - work on that.
So sorry to hear about your mental health struggles—it sounds like our situations aren’t too different. But without knowing many specifics, I can only recommend what resonated with me most when I was recovering:
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Also, if you’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts or impulses for years, you may need more than self-help books to change your mental health. It took a combination of literature, social support, therapy, medication, and meditation to get me on the road to mental health recovery. If you find things to be too hard, reach out to whatever resources are available to you. The US has the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Please do whatever it takes to feel better—you’re worth that!
Yay! I'm so glad you found a therapist that is a better fit for you. Good therapists are worth their weight in gold.
As for the stuff with your SIL, I feel like reading "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" will be helpful for you. It is about assertiveness training and will have you growing your shiny spine in no time (I find that those of us with childhood trauma need help with this). Other resources you may enjoy are www.outofthefog.website and the book list on the sidebar (under helpful links).
Best of luck! *hugs* :)
I like the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
Be prepared to do some deep digging and to uncover some painful hangups you have about yourself, the world, and your childhood. The biggest one for me: Acting perfect is actually boring and repels people, because it's fake and everyone knows it. As long as you wear a "perfect person" mask, you will never be able to make real connections with anyone. Peoples' flaws are what make them interesting to others. To make real connections with people, you have to be vulnerable. The more open you make yourself to being hurt, the more opportunities to connect with others you will have. The second biggest hangup for me: Acting needy is something almost nobody likes, except maybe your mom. It is nobody's job to meet your needs, except you. It's not immoral or bad to go after what you want and to be honest about it. People generally respect that, a lot more than they respect acting nice.
For dating advice, check out Models by Mark Manson.
https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
It's good advice, and it's not sleazy, which is great.
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.
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Also. Women like hot guys. Just like YOU like hot women. After the baseline of feeling safe around someone is established, women want the guy who is aggressive, driven, handsome, strong, tall, competent, and dominant. They don't want a little boy. That doesn't make them whores, it makes them women. I don't imagine you look at how nice a girl acts as the primary indicator of attractiveness. You look at their looks, their interests, their personality, their sense of humor. Well, so do women.
That is infuriating. She needs to read this book about assertiveness training so she can grow a shiny spine. :)
Hey OP, if you username wasn’t a flag on its own, your post history certainly is. Given that you were recently asking about guns, I don’t think it’s wise for strangers to be opening their homes to you.
As someone who has struggled from extreme depression, I have some idea of the pain you are feeling. Before you make any big decisions, I need you to pick up a copy of Feeling Good by David Burns. It’s free with a library card in the LA Public Library system. Get the Libby app and have it the audiobook read to you on your phone.
That book uses a principle known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and it’s effective and fast-acting.
Do your parents know you’re suicidal?
There is a self help book called "Nice Guys" written by a shrink who was a reformed "Nice Guy" himself.
> I have a really hard time talking to people and get overwhelmed.
This is a book about assertiveness training so you can build your shiny spine. Good luck!
Your wife doesn't respect you, simple as that. The problem isn't her, its you. Do yourself a favor and read this book before you go see a divorce lawyer, trust me it WILL HELP.
I don't have any advice -- I just wanted to offer support and encouragement. I find myself suggesting this book more often lately, but "Toxic Parents" really helped me work through a lot of issues with my own parent. It's not specifically about narc parents but rather toxic and abusive behaviors in general and how we can learn to set healthier boundaries to protect ourselves.
THIS! As an elder when I was PIMI I did this many times to other elders and ministerial servants that wanted to step down. And it's an honest reaction for the mindset that you're in at that time. They think that you've worked so diligently for your privileges they don't want you to lose all that hard work that you've put in.
As Pimo24 said. You must be firm. You have to accept the fact that you are going to step on some toes, the elders and your father's.
I heartily recommend the book "When I say no I feel guilty." You can find it on Amazon for less than $10. It is a wonderful book for helping you recover your assertive rights. The truth is most of us ex Jehovah's Witnesses need that kind of training since we have been brainwashed to always be obedient and to give in to the wants of others, always above our own. It is not your job to make other people happy. It is not your job to fill others expectations of you.
You really, really need to address your depression. Don't make any drastic and unalterable decisions right now (such as dropping out of med school) because of your feelings of hopelessness. Whether it be with a therapist, psychiatrist, or PCP, it's important to talk to a professional rather than random people on r/medicalschool who may or may not have good advice to give. I also highly recommend this (basically cognitive behavioral therapy in a book): https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=sr_1_2?crid=3DEPOIHVCW02L&keywords=feeling+good+the+new+mood+therapy+by+david+burns&qid=1576788065&sprefix=feeling+good+the+new+mood+the%2Caps%2C178&sr=8-2
It teaches you a lot of tools for addressing automatic negative thoughts and other things that might be distorting your perception of reality.
You're in medical school, and they chose to accept you for a reason. You are not at all "a disgrace".
No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A Glover. Let me get this straight. You have a master's degree and you're making six figures.
Your girlfriend is an unemployed couch surfing parasitic leech with barely a high school education, who spends all her time on her hobby which she never earns any money or considers charging people. Then bitches at you constantly about how she thinks your job is a joke, and other passive-agressive abuse.
The issue is you tried to turn a hustler into a housewife.
She's hustling you. 100%. She doesn't respect you because she has no respect, and more importantly you don't respect yourself.
The issue is you're a doormat with no ability to set boundaries.
A fantastic book that everyone should read: Feeling Good (the new mood therapy) by David Burns M.D. is all about this subject. It talks about bibliotherapy, therapy through reading self-help books, and cognitive practice, essentially, you are what you think.
If you can figure out your thoughts, and figure out why you're having these thoughts, you can work to change these thinking habits. Meditation is the authoritative tool for this in general, but the book has exercises and scientifically backed practices that have been proven to be just as if not more effective than drugs, and longer lasting. Check it out, it's worth your time.
Check out the book Feeling Good by David D. Burns. It's a pretty useful in identifying ways in which we can change the way we feel by changing our thoughts, among other things. It's helping me work out my anxiety/tendency to be depressed, ect.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
As a very old guy that has been in PUA for 10+ years I would like to add my 2 cents.
This article is complete garbage. I am very confident that the author did not even read single book or scientific study about self esteem.
If you need to work on your self esteem, I strongly suggest you to read "6 Pillars Of Self Esteem" by Natheniel Brandan : https://www.amazon.com/Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive-Leading/dp/0553374397
> I treat and spoil my kids so much. I show them so much love, I do the same to my wife. But I feel totally ignored in terms of any of my own needs.
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Let me translate this for you:
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>I put everyones wants and needs above my own, teaching them that my wants and needs are less important then theirs
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This is a dynamic you have actively built day after day and now you seemed surprised by it. You repeatedly CHOOSE to ignore your own wants and needs and then wonder why they aren't being met. Make different choices and things will look a lot different.
You can see/make friends, you can go do things you want to do, but you choose not to because you value your wife's happiness above your own. Not surprisingly her and the kids have adopted the same mindset, where their happiness carries more value then your own.
Pick up a hobby/interest and get out and do something a few hours each week.
Plan activities and invite the family, go even if they choose not to join.
There are a million ways you can start putting yourself first without being disrespectful. Will your wife like it all the time? No. But using that as your primary decision making factor has gotten you to where you are now.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
read that book as a start
Curious if this has effected your sex life yet? Do you have the frequency and quality of sex you would like?
Here are my 5 best ways to beat anxiety and depression.
1.) Get this book. It's a classic self-help book that's scientifically proven to beat depression. It's the #1 self-help book recommended by doctors in the United States. You can get it for free at your local library
2.) Meditate. Download the free "Insight Timer" meditation app or do YouTube ocean sounds while wearing headphones. It rewires your brain after 6 weeks.
3.) Live in the present moment. When your mind wanders on anxious thoughts, bring it back to the present moment. Over and over again.
4.) Pray and practice a religion. This will benefit you greatly. Start going to religious services.
5.) Exercise 5 days a week. Try to exercise for at least 30 minutes at a time. Something where you build up a sweat.
Good luck and keep in touch.
For me, this one did the trick or at least made me understand
As someone who overcame severe depression and was on 200mg of Zoloft at one point in my life...you need to get professional help for yourself. First and foremost: take care of YOU. You won't be able to help dogs until you help yourself and you need to do it because YOU ARE WORTH THAT.
That doesn't mean quit Wag. That means prioritizing you so you can work as you get better (and work on yourself). The only thing that helped me was therapist who specialized in depression, anxiety, and PTSD (my issues). Here is a book that helped me (used in conjunction with therapy- it is somewhat of a workbook since it has exercises):
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
I would still walk dogs as I got help as it's good for you to make money to help support yourself and it's good to get outside and not lock yourself up indoors (makes your depression worse). The exercise and dogs will help. I would place that second to the therapy. Focus should be on that. It isn't hopeless. It feels hopeless because that's what depression does. If you have supportive family, reach out to them too.
FWIW, that lady is a bitch. Don't worry about her. She doesn't matter and she is probably miserable in her own life. I'm sensitive too, but just let it go and if it helps wish her to get hemorrhoids (I do this for fellow assholes I encounter..makes me feel better anyway lol)