They brought it back, but I feel your pain.
Edit: all I know is that I went on after I got the news late as usual, and they had seemingly masked all the vids, pics, dicks 'n' chicks with NSFW overlays.
Also, y'all should read this. I haven't, but it's a step in the right direction judging by some of your pm's.
I highly recommend the book The Guide to Getting It On.
It is a huge book but covers everything you'd ever want to know, from anatomy to techniques to communication and even sex with disabilities.
I think you just aren't that familiar with feminists and what they talk about.
One of the first books I read that got me interested in feminism was The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti.
I highly recommend the book The Guide to Getting It On
It covers literally everything you need to know, from anatomy to techniques.
Also, studies show that people who wait longer to begin having sex typically have a better first time. I was a virgin until 26. It's fun and all but I am glad I was more mature when I started.
He's gas-lighting you...bad. And you likely do have a form of PTSD!
-Year one is like being in ICU.
-Year 2 is like being in the hospital
-Year 3 is painful PT.
You're still in ICU! You should feel this way.
Tip: He needs to read "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." It lays out a 15 point recovery plan. He needs to commit to those 15 points or your relationship might not ever heal.
I just realized you're not married. Oh friend, treat this as a godsend. Break it off. At a minimum downgrade him to bf. But the engagement is off!
I've seen no evidence that is true. It very well might be, but I would want to see the facts like from Shirley P Glass. Author.
On this sub, it seems 50/50.
Btw, I lean to trying to save marriages...if at all possible. Ask her to read this book right away (because of expiring lease). It's designed for the cheater. It explains the work she will need to commit to. She can even buy the audio version today and you both listen to it tonight.
Do you want it to work? If so, may I suggest going one more month without signing a lease. Having you both have to decide in a week is a lot of pressure.
I'd like to help. PM me if you want. I'm a guy in my 50s.
It’s available as a Kindle download for $7.99 on Amazon, and you don’t actually need a Kindle as you can read it online in the Kindle Cloud Reader or you can install the free Kindle app.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_2z.GBbTP2JAKC
First do not move out! That can hurt you lot in case of divorce!
I'm a guy that is biased to saving the marriage...especially with kids. But I'm not stupid about it. Unless she comes around (clearly she hasn't) there isn't anything you can do. Keep going to counseling even if she doesn't show up.
But if she doesn't come around ask her to move out to figure out her life. Is the AP married? Because that might help you if he is.
There's a decent chance you will file for divorce. Filing is sometimes the only thing that gets their attention! It doesn't mean you have to go through with it.
Odds are high they had car sex. If unprotected be sure to get tested. (that even hurts to type).
If she 100% is dedicated to making the marriage work, this book is about the only way to begin the long, long healing process.
Pls keep us posted with updates.
​
The first anniversary after DDay is going to be hard on her.
Ask her what she wants. She may not even want to celebrate the day. Right now it’s very raw for her.
Healing timeline for infidelity is 2-5 years. First year is her processing what has happened.
Right now she is riding an emotional rollercoaster.
Also, making it to 8 has everything to do with you and how you put into place changes to help her feel safe.
Read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It will give you a basis on the things she needs from you.
You can get it from amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_qagUybCZE9ZZT
Also Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
This will help you understand how your boundaries were such that you allowed an affair into your life.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2
Good luck tonight.
My husband read this book. Every week. Foe two months. Until it was ingrained in his head. It has undoubtedly saved our marriage. I read it too. It truly showed the WS how e affair effects the spouse.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Order this and read it at least 3 times. This book will change your life. I have personally seen the benefits in my life.
Matt McCusker keeps referring to <em>A Billion Wicked Thoughts : What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships</em> and something called “Porn Sickness”, but I haven’t read it and can’t say. It seems to back up what you’re saying though.
I'm in a similar situation, older, but I've had some experience dating. COVID has given me a convenient excuse to work through things for a while before actually seeking to date, so that's what I'm doing. Can't guarantee what I'm doing will work out, but that's all I've got. I'm an early 30s cis straight male for context.
I probably can't provide much more in the way of advice, but feel free to send me a PM if you want someone to commiserate with.
Here a link to the book on Amazon.
Thanks for sharing!
You both should read
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
I wonder if you are being paranoid or just reacted from being cheated on like everyone does.
A Billion wicked thoughts which looked at habits of porn users showed that a significant number of straight men liked to look a penis (Often on women)
So right idea wrong gender.
https://www.amazon.ca/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877/ref=nodl_
Great book, you can find it here on Amazon.
You can get it used for like six dollars. Well worth the money.
Yes.
Porn takes your neural circuitry that usually lights up with sex, and burns it out. That’s the long and short of it. Check out “supernormal stimulus.”
Also, this book helped me a TON. It’s got a lot of science in it.
Late to the party, but it's my second day now!
I've started strong by doing most of the 6 basic action steps outlined in The Porn Trap:
I dont know if this is a good way to start out but...
I use the HALT method.
When you feel the urge to PMO (Porn Masturbation Orgasm), do you feel Hungry, Angry, Tired, or Lonely?
If so, eat something health, do some meditation or exercise, go to sleep, or call a friend.
I hope this helps! Good luck! I've been in the same boat, my friend.
I would recommend a book called "The Porn Trap" by Wendy Maltz. It has been helping me with really figuring out why porn was a problem.
Its usually not the porn, its the shunting away feelings that is the culprit.
Hey there! I’m a Sex Therapist and one of my favorite books for young adults (older high school through college age) is this one:
Guide To Getting It On: Unzipped https://www.amazon.com/dp/1885535171/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_q8HnFbQCHX9D2
It is super comprehensive, uses humor to reduce anxiety, and should leave you feeling more confident and prepared for whatever you end up choosing to pursue. HTH!
Personally? No. I had an ex husband like this and he cheated on every one after me as well. It’s not really about you as much as it is about him. Most people who do this would do it to anyone.
Sex addiction uses the same neural pathways in the brain as drugs to chase that new relationship “high” he will always be seeking that feeling and there is a 0% chance you can continue to be his “drug” so to speak.
No matter how amazing, sexy and beautiful you are as a person you can’t be new for 50+ years. That’s why some of the most beautiful people still get cheated on.
Partners with healthy relationships and boundaries understand this and work together to overcome the issues that come up when the newness fades.
I was sexually abused and that has ZERO to do with his ability to be faithful.
It would be a BS excuse if he ever uses that as a reason and as someone who was also assaulted at a young age I would call him out on that as a shameful POS to say that’s the reason.
This book is really great for understanding how this cycle is working for him. Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction https://www.amazon.com/dp/099316160X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ypXkFbK063VN4
There are a few experts that have been doing this for decades. One has a book for the cheater but you want to read it too. Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. He needs to agree to these 15 steps or he's not legit in his dedication to recovery.
Another one is for both of you: Not Just Friends. It's longer and covers pre-affair, affair, Post affair, healing. Very useful.
I highly recommend not winging it. Let these books guide. I'm afraid you will hit an unforeseen wall and not know what to do but divorce.
Read the reviews. You'll see.
I should say my bias is trying to make marriages work. I found a great book for the wayward spouse. It's a super easy, short book. It lists 15 things the wayward must do in order to help the marriage recover.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair:
I'd suggest you read it too! There will be some things in there where you will say "That's exactly how I feel...I just couldn't find those words."
Another book you want is Five Love Languages. Also a short read and not expensive. Sounds corny but it's not. It's super helpful for both men and women.
If you like those two, I can give you other ideas. I get bored easy so books really need to grab me before I recommend them. PM me if you want.
​
Is it this?
> He, of course, apologized, professed his love and asked me to go to therapy with an open mind and heart. I was honest and told him I will go to therapy but no promises.
​ This sub, survivinginfidlity sub, and chump lady are NOT pro-reconciliation and are not balanced. If you want to consider reconciliation, I'd have you take a look at: https://www.youtube.com/c/AffairrecoveryLLC/videos
(note, this is a FOR PROFIT business and a program I've been through)
If this is "repeat" behavior chances are "not good". I can tell you to stop putting any value in words and only value action / in-action.
There's a good book your spouse should read. If he's willing to get it and read it, that's good... If he's like mine and gets it but decides he can't read it, well, I'll tell you how that ends up:
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
"Oh shit mode" - I'm familiar with that. It wears off. You WILL struggle. If not now, then soon. This is your decision to make. You do not have to make it today.
This book helps me understand the psychology of the situation:
I think you should challenge him and address the problem before it gets worse. This book has helped me understand the issue:
I hope it works out for both of you.
You can address the depression by learning some psychology. This book is helping me cope:
Congrats on the decision. This book is helping me understand the psychology of the issue:
Check it out.