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Posted this above, but i do suggest you read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts.
Gives some insight into why people are addicted, how the brain works, etc.
I have an anxious attachment style too, and initially I thought it was a bad thing. What I like about this theory is how non-judgmental it all is. Your needs are your needs. I NEED more security and validation from partners, so I NEED to look for someone who is capable of giving me that. Secures can do that, while avoidants cannot.
If this interests you at all, I HIGHLY recommend the book “Attached”
We'd need to provide mental health and addiction support as well.
A lot of homeless people have trauma, addiction, and other mental health issues they need help with.
Read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction by Gabor Maté for some great insights into how people become street homeless addicts.
YTA my wife has also been diagnosed with BPD and has spent her own time in facilities. Learn about your wife's disorder. I recommend this book specifically written for those of us that find ourselves close to someone with the disorder.
It's not gonna magically make everything alright. But if you're anything like me, you're gonna find the righteousness of your righteous anger will start to melt. You're gonna start to understand why she acts the way she does, because you'll finally be able to understand why she thinks the way she does. And you'll learn how to handle it differently.
Once she's out make sure she gets into some sort of DBT program. Hospital stays do about Jack shit without continuous follow-up.
I just started cognitive behavior therapy this year. Helped a bit, but ended up on Prozac to help with numerous panic episodes.
This book has helped tremendously in normalizing thoughts and shutting down the automatic anxiety thought process : The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution https://www.amazon.com/dp/160623918X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_rAmuBb59CFAB8
Highly recommend it to anyone suffering from anxiety or panic. It isn't an easy path, but the book has techniques to feel less isolated and manage your mind
There's a great book that addresses this. It's called Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. It strongly urges people to date others who have a similar level of desire for and comfort with closeness, and goes into the biological drivers for why closeness feels so life-and-death important. Failing that, it gives practical tips for how to make your relationship less anxiety-provoking if your partner is avoiding closeness. Per the book, if your partner is prone to avoiding closeness, that tendency isn't likely to change. The communication tips these trolls are sharing here are gold. I'm trying my hand for the first time at a relationship with someone who also enjoys a lot of closeness and it is the bees knees. Near zero relationship anxiety for 4 months.
> How do some of you deal with this sort of thing?
go to T H E R A P Y
Seriously. I did two years of monthly sessions with an extremely good therapist to learn not just to heal from the trauma but to learn the emotional skills my Christian parents refused to or were unable to teach me.
> What can I do to calm myself down.
For $25 you can buy Mind Over Mood which includes many techniques to fight this sort of panic. In the meantime try box breathing.
It is okay to be afraid, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to be angry. When these feelings intrude into your actions and make life worse for you, it is a good sign that you would benefit from talking to a therapist. I believe in you. You are competent and strong. You deserve to be happy.
Hi! I'm sorry to hear about your struggle, it sounds like you're going through a lot of emotions related to her.
The go to treatment for people with bpd is dialectical behavioral therapy, or otherwise known as DBT. I very much recommend that you try to get your daughter into a DBT program. As for how to deal with her, I think the validation section of the dbt workbook would be incredibly helpful for you, and also interpersonal skills such as SET and DEAR MAN.
Best of luck to you and your daughter!
Seriously. Learning about basic Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy improved my life immensely, even though I wouldn't meet the clinical DSMV criteria for an anxiety or depressive disorder diagnosis.
I just liked the book's title. I mean, who doesn't want to control the way they feel?
Ironically, one of the most helpful things in the book was these little vignettes about the internal monologue of a character who has major depression. They made me realize that my intrusive thoughts and irrational worries are nothing special. In fact, they are literally textbook examples.
The secure/secure attachment pairing is rare. Most of the attachment types can do okay when there is a secure type in the mix. The anxious-preoccupied and avoidant-dismissive and the avoidant-fearful and avoidant-dismissive pairings are fraught with conflict.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love
might be interesting books to you
That's good to hear! I did therapy as part of my education and I'd recommend it to anyone.
Are you working on this issue in therapy? In that case I'd maybe check with them for suggestions, or what they think about you doing it parallel to treatment. I'd suggest you don't take my advice over your therapist if they'd disagree with it.
As for books - it's a little tough since the manuals and books I rely on are in Swedish or by Swedish authors. Here's some I found from a quick search though that I dare recommend:
The Anxiety and Worry handbook - pretty comprehensive guide to all kind of anxiety and worry related issues. Easy to recommend since Aaron Beck is a co-author (founder of CBT).
Mind over Mood - not familiar with the authors but looks good. Authors are cognitive therapists from what I can tell.
If you look up those books you'll see suggestions for others as well. My suggestion would be going to your local library and see if any of them are available, or look for similiar books (just check that they are written by psychologist or about a treatment method, not self-help or inspiration). CBT is pretty uniform and any decent book will have a similiar theoretical framework and pretty similiar methods. The best one will be the one you want to keep reading :)
Most people are too picky and self absorbed to be in a relationship. Relationships involve a lot of giving and a lot less taking than the rabidly individualist culture we have moved into. I doubt its a vancouver specific thing.
I recommend reading a book called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
which explains pretty well why people are often not compatible with eachother and yet constantly seek out these same sorts of incompatible people. Break the cycle!
> and THEN when he starts touching me, it actually feels repulsive.
HUGE. Red. Flag.
These types of issues at only 3 months into the relationship, I'd move on to someone more compatible.
You're not LL, you're just LL for him.
You're not sexually attracted to him, and the Pursuer-Distancer pattern you have going on between you is killing off any remaining desire you have for him.
You're just not compatible sexually.
You both deserve to be with someone who is HL for you.
Edit: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love can help you avoid an anxious-preoccupied partner in the future
I sure do! This book is a great resource and goes into quite a bit of detail about attachment science and how it can affect adult relationships. If I recall correctly, it also includes self-assessments (I read it a few years ago).
On a related note, I wholeheartedly and emphatically cannot recommend this book enough to anyone who is, has been, or might one day like to be in a romantic relationship. John Gottman is a researcher at the University of Washington and basically the Einstein of relationship science. His algorithm can predict whether any given couple will divorce with something like 90% certainty. Don't let the title fool you -- this book dispenses extremely helpful advice for dealing with people in close interpersonal relationships regardless of whether you're married, dating, or just good friends.
I had those.
Therapy helps a LOT. Specifically CBT skills of identifying, disagreeing with, and stopping narratives put into your head by others. The book Mind Over Mood teaches this skill as well.
Yup, it's just a form of therapy that helps think us dialectically and improves social relationships. Not adhd specific, but it definitely helped me with the stuff that I developed over the years that my adhd didn't help. I didn't do it with a therapist, because of coronavirus but a therapist probs could teach you all of it in a few sessions. This was the book I bought:
DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_a40eFbMF03PEF
Not OP but Mind Over Mood was the book I used during and after my CBT in university.
Awesome!!! That's a HUGE step forward! If you haven't progressed to booking a therapist yet, that's ok. It seems like you're pretty self-motivated; I would recommend looking into cognitive behavioral therapy workbooks like this one: https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Worry-Workbook-Cognitive-Behavioral/dp/160623918X
There are also similar courses on Udemy and Coursera, which have the added benefit of videos/audio if that helps you learn more easily.
Remember, it can be a quick saunter down to rock bottom, but it's a long way back, and it's okay to slip and stumble your way through self-improvement. I, an anonymous internet stranger, am ridiculously proud of you!
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
I listened to it as an audiobook first which I actually liked a lot, since my library had the audiobook for free on the phone app. Then I bought it so I could take notes, look at the charts, and take the quizzes in the book. $9 for my used Amazon copy, $13 new
It's not only about the "avoidant" people, also has good segments on people who are more "anxious" about relationships, overthinking things, caught up in small details, wanting constant communication, etc.
Of course! It’s called Mindful Self Compassion. The book is by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer. It’s not too long. And it walks you through exercises to help you create practices. But really what I liked is it uses your own words to help you through this feeling. And it’s more like a peer to peer vs someone commanding down.
Hope it helps you too! Here’s a link
The Mindful Self-Compassion... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1462526780?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
"Attached" is great (by Levine and Heller). It's easy to understand and explains things clearly. Really interesting stuff.
I wonder how much of this is NRE and how much might also be an anxious attachment style? Are you familiar with attachment theory in adult relationships? The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment is excellent and speaks to many of these issues.
I'm sorry that your thoughts are all muddled up about this. It sounds like evangelical Christinaity has really done a number on you.
The best thing you can do is to take a breather, you won't be able to figure anything out while you're terrified, stressed, and overwhelmed. Leave it all alone for a while, put whatever faith you have on the backburner, go through the motions of whatever church life you have, and don't worry about the deep questions for a long while, until you feel stronger and you're in a better place in your life to dig into them.
You don't need to know everything, you don't need to figure it all out right now.
Focus right now on seeing a doctor about your depression, look into Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT). If you can't afford a therapist, there are websites or books you can read to help you work through CBT techniques yourself. Mind over Mood is a good book recommended by doctors for patients. Its not a replacement for a good doctor and appropriate medication, but it can help a lot alongside it.
Eventually, when you're in a better place, you can look a bit more carefully and clearly at why you're so terrified of hell, and why that is driving you into such a tailspin. You can figure out what you believe, and why you beleive it, without being torn apart and spun around by fear and depression. Because right now, you can't deal with it, and you shouldn't put that on yourself as another burden to carry.
Last year I had the fortunate experience of being laid off due to an acquisition, not the pandemic, and so I got severance pay.
What did I do with that time?
- Rode my bike everywhere, all around NYC
- Did some social distancing hangs with friends
- Worked on music
- Hung out at the park reading
- Spent a lot of time working on my resume and interviewing
Also, MOST IMPORTANTLY, I had been going to therapy for about a year and a half at that point and worked on all sorts of stuff, but mainly negative internal dialogue. At one point I realized that I'm a good person and that was a super intense and amazing moment. By the time I hit last summer, I didn't even care that I was single. I was really happy to be.
Also, I read and do exercises from this book from time to time - The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. The language can be a bit foofy sometimes, but the things in the book are actionable, work well, and might be what you need in that moment. Also, they anticipate your pushback and explain everything in a way that helps you understand why you're doing the thing.
I have both a dialectical and cognitive behavioral therapy book. Here are links to Amazon for them:
The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution https://www.amazon.com/dp/160623918X/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_TkInzbEA1SPKC
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245131/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_-lInzbVZ0BS9H
I also recently saw a book called "Anxious in Love" that looked interesting.
I was about to post the same comment, but instead I'll just post a link to it on Amazon.
> In talking about these things I have made comments that have not pleased her, and she says she feels smothered and controlled.
This, like /u/cobalt_bella said, is text-book avoidant. You are both growing closer and closer but at some point, there comes a time when things become too close and a withdrawal/distancing starts. This commonly plays out with avoidants finding faults in their partner and magnifying them such that they focus on that instead of the good things they like about their partner. These faults are a way to put a damper on their relationship so that feeling of vulnerability and dependence lessens.
Also, five months seems about what I've personally experienced in my struggles with avoidance.
THIS book has everything you need. I would recommend starting with mindfulness (the book has all of the skills and handouts as well as the worksheets/homework associated with them). Then work through the other modules (Emotion Regulation, Interpersonal Effectiveness, and Distress Tolerance) in any order. If you're in a bad place now I recommend starting with Distress Tolerance because that is the most immediately useful.
Most DBT classes introduce one skill per week and assign the associated worksheet(s) as homework. You can work through the skills at any pace you'd like but I like having a whole week to focus on practicing and using a single skill.
First, read this book. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 Specifically, and nearer to the end (I think), they talk about a rollercoaster, where some days you have affection and closeness and then the partner backs off, and you find yourself looking at the relationship positively, but you're only looking at the "highs" and ignoring the "lows". You don't want that, and you're probably not as happy in this relationship, on average, as you think you are.
Second, I think you guys should put this engagement on hold. She feels pressured. A looming wedding when the relationship isn't going well is a self fulfilling prophecy if your issue is pressure. Agreeing to put it on hold is a good olive branch. If you're struggling now, imagine the future after years of viewing your *wedding* as a toxic thing. It's not a good place to be.
Third, if you can get her to look at this constructively, maybe she should see her own counselor without you. I did the same thing in conjunction with marital counseling and the personal counselor was just as valuable, because it was all about me and my perspectives.
I think this is a commitment issue from her end, but unfortunately it's something you can't always control or influence. You might want to talk to a counselor yourself as well to get in the right headspace about what the possible outcomes are, and to realize that there may be a point where the best option for your happiness is to cut your losses (though I don't think that's the path right now).
Therapy. Sounds like this is a pattern and until you figure out what’s driving you to repeat this pattern, it will happen over and over again. Therapy is the best way to figure that out. You can also read books about relationships and attachment styles to help you understand your behavior. This particular situation sounds like you have an insecure attachment style and he has an avoidant attachment style. People with anxious attachment are attracted to avoidant attachment people because there is something familiar about it to them. That’s where the therapy comes in. Don’t give up, just do the work that will lead you to a healthy relationship.
Hey. I can understand the difficulty you're having separating the addiction from the human. I had a really hard time doing the same for myself when I was using. I felt like I was an awful person, I was bad, I would never amount to anything, etc while I was using. The drugs take over your brain and your thoughts and convince you that you're the absolute fucking worst.
But it's not a character defect. It's not something that makes you a bad person. It's something that we as people who use drugs do in order to numb from difficult emotions. It's a coping mechanism. I have really bad depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder which specifically makes my feelings so intense and unbearable. Using heroin numbed me out long enough to not care about the internal pain.
Now I've been through enough therapy to know that I'm not bad, I just made bad choices. I'm not worthless, I just felt that way because the drugs hijacked my brain. There's a whole lot of neurological stuff going on with drug addiction.
If you get the chance, I would highly recommend reading In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Dr. Gabor Maté. It's about his experience treating people addicted to drugs, and he goes into the brain science of it all. I would also suggest watching The Wisdom of Trauma, also about Dr. Gabor Maté, but on the topic of how substance abuse is caused by trauma. You may find it very eye-opening.
About the movie - I would watch it as soon as you can. It's only available to stream for a couple more days at most. It will ask you for a donation - you can watch it for free if you put in $0, it will let you do that. If you can't afford a copy of the book, let me know, I'll mail you mine.