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O H H E L L Y E S T H E R E I S: https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901.
This was was the first book I read after I came to terms with being NPD. This book does not apply to all narcissists, but it is certainly one of the ways narcissism develops. This is a turning point for you, good job and keep it up.
"if I’m not special, I’m worthless and purposeless" is really good insight and something I dealt with a lot too. Feeling like your "normal" has to be "ultra". You're "normal" has to be "special", and anything less feels like death. You have to win at every video game. Your partner has to be the hottest. You have to have the best job/grades, score the most goals/point, have the nicest mind/greatest body! Because you, well you're special!!
It takes a lot of time to learn to drop these expectations, because you don't know how to feel good about yourself without them but paradoxically the weight of them is so much to bear. But once you drop them, tell the world to fuck off, embrace your authentic self even when it means you're nothing special, you will finally find a peaceful existence.
Trust me, been asking that why if motivation for decades now. Have found some answers, but still seeking and researching more.
https://www.amazon.com/Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-Recognizing-Psychological/dp/099862134X
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
Reading those two books (specifically the first one) might help in “understanding” them, at least partially.
I’m suffering just like/similar to you, and let’s hope we both can find different pathways to our own healing. Stay safe and may the Force be with you.
Hey OP. I completely understand how you are feeling. I have wondered the same thing about my Nmom -- and the signs point to willful ignorance, for me and for you. How much more obvious did it need it be???
It is disgusting how they put their own needs (the need to have a partner and not be alone) over the wellbeing of their children. If you aren't already, I hope you can work with a therapist whenever it is accessible to you to help you with the damage all of this caused you. In the meantime, a book that I can recommend is called The Courage to Heal.
Hugs if you want them, OP. <3
First of all, I am sorry that this happened to you. No matter what happens, what people tell you, this is not your fault, it's the scumbag piece of shit's fault, and he should pay for the crime that he committed. Before you make the decision on whether you should attend the trial, you should be aware that during the trial the defendant's lawyers might do whatever they are allowed to to deflect the blame and sway the jury's judgement, and that might reopen some old wounds.
A while ago I read the book written by the victim of the the Stanford rape case. She described in detail the whole trial process, the challenges and difficulties that she and her family faced. You might find it useful. If the book is too long, you can read the letter that she read to the rapist in court, and was later published by Buzzfeed.
Remember, it's not your fault. We are rooting for you.
You might be interested in the book The Drama of the Gifted Child. Alice Miller is a psychologist who also had nparents, and she explains from her research that children of nparents often have extra reserves of sympathy and being sensitive, because they are trained to anticipate and fulfill their nparents' needs. A whole section is dedicated to the emptiness we feel once we realize that void it creates. (She explains it way better than I do.)
From what I remember, she doesn't go so far as to say that you are more likely to do the things that you list. I think we are more likely to have anxiety and depression as well as numb our feelings (since we didn't have a safe space to share them). But I'd be hesitant to just say it without any research to back it up. I know I'm only one person but I did really well in school, because it was a distraction and it fit into the 'golden child' persona that was expected of me.
From what I can tell they're the same book. Maybe different translations or editions? Most people these days are reading this version but for all I know the text is identical, so I say get your hands on whatever copy is convenient!
Read “The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist” by Debbie Mizra
Might help.
https://www.amazon.com/Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-Recognizing-Psychological/dp/099862134X
Oh also if you really want to go a bit further with understanding, read “The Body Keeps the Score” by Dr. Kolk. Bit heavy, but it explains well that “mental health issues” are not just in your head. It’s all connected.
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
oof i can’t say i relate but i can imagine how frustrating that is for you. it sounds related to that trauma response where people replay abuse through relationships that have a similar dynamic which i’m definitely guilt of too.
i have this book called healing sex. i think it may be hetero focused but maybe still helpful to you even if that’s not you. author is a csa survivor.
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933
brave of you to share that. i've been through biohacking cycles (using nootropics; never with benzos or anything addictive) to make difficult situations more bearable. where i found most success, however, was by facing the root of those problems head-on. that's the deeper invitation for real progress.
let's be honest: many benzo threads including yours are about getting the permission to continue doing it, dancing the delicate waltz between relief and addiction. you know it is a dangerous game which is why you don't play it alone; you tap into the community.
i did not suggest exposure therapy but i suppose that is one avenue.
give this book a chance if you want to start healing instead of putting band-aids on wounds: https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901 then circle back after you read at least one third of it.
cheers and good luck.
https://www.amazon.com/Missoula-Rape-Justice-System-College/dp/0385538731
The book focuses on one specific place for the narrative, but provides plenty of evidence to demonstrate why Missoula is emblematic of rape culture. There's nothing about it in the description, but mentions of fraternities come up in the book.
Since you aren't likely to read a whole ass book on the subject, try this instead.
> "We can only solve this riddle if we manage to see the parents, too, as insecure children—children who have at last found a weaker creature, in comparison with whom they can now feel very strong. What child has never been laughed at for his fears and been told, “You don’t need to be afraid of a thing like that”? What child will then not feel shamed and despised because he could not assess the danger correctly? And will that little person not take the next opportunity to pass these feelings on to a still smaller child? Such experiences come in all shades and varieties. Common to them all is the sense of strength it gives the adult, who cannot control his or her own fears, to face the weak and helpless child’s fear and be able to control fear in another person.
[...]
Disregard for those who are smaller and weaker is thus the best defense against a breakthrough of one’s own feelings of helplessness: it is an expression of this split-off weakness. The strong person who—because he has experienced it—knows that he, too, carries this weakness within himself does not need to demonstrate his strength through contempt."
You are making assumptions that all people react the same way, which is not true.
Here is a real story, with several books in the series that cover from an early age to being an adult:
https://www.amazon.com/Child-Called-Childs-Courage-Survive/dp/1558743669
There’s a book called toxic parents that really helped me. This is it on Amazon uk.
Get her a copy of the book Men Who Hate Women by Laura Bates. It may be a real eye opener for her.
IFS, Walking the Tiger by Peter Levine (there is actually a free audiobook of this on YouTube), and the book Healing Sex: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933 were all very helpful to me!
Here's this book I found (sadly) https://www.amazon.com/Long-Dark-Shadow-Minor-Attracted-Pursuit/dp/0520306341
But I don't stand corrected. They aren't affiliated with LGBTQ, but it still stands that somehow someone supports these dumbasses.
Literally because MAPs are a thing. Pedophiles are MAPs. Hebephiles are MAPs. Nepiophiles are MAPs. Ephebophiles are MAPs. All pedophiles are MAPs, but not all MAPs are pedophiles. The same is true for the other chronophilias mentioned.
As I said, the actual researchers in the field use the term MAP in their peer-reviewed, published research. Dr. Allyn Walker, who just came under fire and lost their academic position at Old Dominion University for suggesting that non-offending pedophiles exist and are deserving of help in their book A Long, Dark Shadow: Minor-Attracted People and Their Pursuit of Dignity. If you want to baselessly insist that MAPs don't exist when the actual professionals in the field have made it clear that they do, be my guest, but don't tell me that my own eyes deceive me when this information is very easily verifiable.
>Black people are incarcerated at a disproportionate rate to white people is that bc society doesn’t care about black people or bc there are flaws with our justice system?
Are you joking? It's because society fails to demand our police actually treat them fairly. As a society we made the justice system. Are you a middle schooler?
>Again you’re ignoring the fact that most women don’t report it when it occurs… part of the reason why only a fraction of rapist go to jail is the lack of evidence after waiting too long.
It's under reported because society fails to care or convict rapist. Why would you report a crime if people don't do anything about it?
>If you report it right after it happens they have rape kits that are used to gather evidence, if you wait the investigation usually comes down to here say. You don’t seem to understand the US justice system.
Here is some excellent literature you could wrinkle your brain with and possibly become an adult: https://www.amazon.com/Missoula-Rape-Justice-System-College/dp/0385538731
>Do you know what the census is or what it’s used for? Do you know how they gather that information? If you understand those things you can put together why they base race on how people identify themselves rather than taking dna tests for every person in America every 10 years. Again another child like idiotic take…
Yes, it's because creating a genetic base of people and placing them into specific racial groups is generally frowned upon because that's eugenics.
>It doesn’t matter if every race is socially constructed if it still includes being white lol. You’re trying to combine the concepts of race and white supremacy in ways that make absolutely no sense.
White supremacy was and continues to be the basis of forming social constructs like race to divide humans.
So relatable. Most of the time I feel lost and like I'm just flailing around not accomplishing anything. I sort of thrive on checklists or step-by-step direction and processing my CSA has been the exact opposite of that. I bought this book: The Courage to Heal. It's taking me a long time to get through, but I think maybe it's helping? I started journaling. Like, if I could get all the swirling thoughts down on paper, maybe my brain could make sense of them and move on? Sometimes I think it helps. One day at a time sometimes feels impossible when you're just trying to get through each minute.
https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335
Well, we have to keep the time frame in mind. 20-30 years ago, when this happened? Absolutely. I'd still be concerned about it now, yes, but in the 90s, no doubt at all.
Do you remember the story of Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco from around the same time period? He was 35 and she was 16. And he wasn't viewed as a predator, he was viewed as a man who had had an affair after being sexually enticed by crazed sexpot. It was still so normal back then to ignore power balances like that.
It's not that Grammar wouldn't have experienced consequences--he definitely would. But the notoriety that she'd experience would attract enough people who would blame or mock her that her life would be a living hell.
And victims of rape/assault/sexual coercion still face an extremely uphill battle, legally and socially. I'll suggest the 2015 book Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town by Jon Krakauer as journalism that documents this in a meticulous and horrifying way.
YES! My domestic abuse counsellor literally just loaned me a book as homework haha. (I declined the loan and ordered it as I am a notorious book ruiner thanks to ADHD. I've already folded so many pages and made so many notes in the margins) Sorry, rambling.
It's called the Covert passive aggressive narcissist by Debbie Mirza. Link
I'm really getting on with it. I would also recommend Jackson MacKenzie in general as an author. Psychopath Free and also Whole Again.
Hope that's helpful.
Oh, this used to be me. You need to have a talk about this with your partner. Your ability to the say no is hugely important to your healing. Otherwise you keep having sec you don’t want, which to your body and brain is the same as abuse/rape. I had to practice when I met my husband to start saying no. It changed the meaning of sex to me. I now consider it making love and it is a beautiful thing.
Talk to your partner and find a safe word like bdsm practioners use. Say it and he’ll know it means you don’t want to. You need to learn how to listen to your body’s cues so that it starts to trust that the abuse is over and you can heal. Once you’re healing and in touch with your emotions you will enjoy the lovemaking much more and your libido might go up.
The courage to heal is a book that helped my husband and myself tremendously with this.
That's such a good book! It's good that you're reading it. I read it along with this book: The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse https://www.amazon.com/dp/099862134X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_Q0BVQXGWDS1DGTDHAM6X
They were both really good. I wonder if you'd like the second book, too. I felt tons better about myself after reading them.
r/adultsurvivors/ may have something to say helpful. Also r/CPTSD
The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a great resource.
Find a therapist who specializes in trauma. Just like treatment for a physical complaint it hurts like hell when you start. One thing is many of us are so used to stuffing, numbing and third personing we think we have made it just objective. Ripping off that bandaid is not pleasant. It doesn't feel like we're getting better but it's the necessary first steps.
https://www.catholictherapists.com/ can help you find a therapist who will help with faith based and psychology based treatment.
There really is no easy way to heal from this. It's a burden we've carried far to long. Different people need different things to recover. No matter how hard, tough we think we are we really can't do this without help.
https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901
So I guess this is an older, popular book. I also went down some internet rabbit holes, and discovered the author’s son has spoken (after her death) regarding his upbringing. Sounds like to son is saying his author mom was guilty of some of the things that she indicated can be damaging to a child.
For me, my therapist and I decided I have been ruminating too much. This book just hits too close to home for me right now. I think I’m just not ready. But check it out, it might hit real close to home for you too.
I hope to give it a read when I am in a better place.
I recommend this with a grain of salt as now might not be the right time to read it and it might be something to bookmark for the future.
Chanel Miller wrote an account of her experience as "Emily Doe" in the Brock Turner case from a few years ago. I have heard it being described as very empowering. She is a very eloquent writer.
You might also try and find a rape survivor's support group if you haven't already.
https://smile.amazon.com/dp/073522370X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_DFRKMWMT834DM8C87CJH
>Is there a relationship between being overly praised or categorized as "gifted" as a child and future perfectionism/anxiety?
Yes, there is! It's theorized that it becomes part of the identity.
https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901