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Warren is by far a better choice because she is THE policy expert among all the candidates - she taught law and has done distinguished and deep research in bankruptcy law. She has actually written and lobbied for more economic policy than anybody else. At a time when the Unites States needs deep economic reform, electing her as the president is a no brainer.
EDIT: Adding a couple of her publications for reference.
Illness and Injury as Contributors for Bankruptcy
The Two Income Trap : Why Middleclass Parents are Going Broke
There's a book by Harvard Law School bankruptcy expert (now ~~Congresswoman~~ Sentator) Elizabeth Warren called The Two-Income Trap, which looks at how income and expenses changed from 1970-2000.
I bring it up because Warren covers the differences in expenses between 1970 and 2000. It's been a while since I've read the book, but what I remember the thesis being was that in 1970 people spent a greater percentage of their income on what Warren classified as "non-essential items" but a smaller percentage on "essential items." Again from memory, essential items are specifically housing, health care and education, and non-essential items are everything else.
In short, she contends that today we spend a much smaller percentage of our income on things like TVs, appliances, vacations, etc., but we spend a much greater percentage of our income on housing, health care and education. She also looks at how more households are two-income households today, but how that actually creates potential for disaster should there be a prolonged illness or job loss. Because both spouses have to work to afford the essentials, if one of them experiences a job loss then the family is pinched much harder than an equivalent family in 1970, since they could cut back on non-essential items and more likely had a single income to replace (meaning the non-working spouse could find full- or part-time employment to help bridge the main breadwinner's income disruption).
Anyway, that's what I remember from it. It's definitely worth a read if you find this type of thing interesting.
She literally wrote the book on the changing structure of the American economy and how it was affecting the American working class, spotting the problems long before most people were switched onto it. She predicted the financial crisis when nobody else did.
https://www.amazon.com/Two-Income-Trap-Middle-Class-Parents-Going/dp/0465090907
I'm so sorry! She is having an affair. Affairs can be emotional, as you said. This is so hurtful!
Years ago I heard about a study where they found that people can stay married if they don't love each other, but not if they don't trust each other.
Unfortunately, she has broken your trust and crossed marital boundaries. Her behaviors are not conducive to staying married, and have escalated. To remain married, the affair needs to end, at minimum.
Her personal day alone in the city sets off red flags. I had a family member that crossed from an emotional affair into a physical affair just like this... having their own day alone... as well as not allowing access to their messages, phone, computer, knowing where they were, etc.
Whatever happens, I suggest getting counseling... at least for you, and if you do stay together try to get marriage counseling with a non-lds lds therapist.
A really good book to read together, or separately, is called "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage", along with its companion book, "Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits." Both books are by Williard F. Harley, Jr and can be found on Amazon.
I highly suggest reading the two books, even if things don't work out in your marriage so you'll have the knowledge for future relationships. Hopefully they could help you both now.
Good luck! Stand your ground. Let us know how it goes.
Wishing you peace and healing though all this!
>In Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids, contrarian economist Bryan Caplan argues that we've needlessly turned parenting into an unpleasant chore, and don't know the real plusses and minuses of having kids. Parents today spend more time investing in their kids than ever, but twin and adoption research shows that upbringing is much less important than we imagine, especially in the long-run. Kids aren't like clay that parents mold for life; they're more like flexible plastic that pops back to its original shape once you relax your grip. These revelations are wonderful news for anyone with kids. Being a great parent is less work and more fun than you thinkso instead of struggling to change your children, you can safely relax and enjoy your journey together. Raise your children in the way that feels right for you; they'll still probably turn out just fine. Indeed, as Caplan strikingly argues, modern parents should have more kids. Parents who endure needless toil and sacrifice are overcharging themselves for every child. Once you escape the drudgery and worry that other parents take for granted, bringing another child into the world becomes a much better deal. You might want to stock up
This is an amazing book and it has really helped me a ton. I love words of affirmation too, it's Admiration in the book. I told my guy to skip to that chapter but he's actually enjoying the whole thing.
Each chapter has a great example, and what you're writing matches the examples perfectly.
I think spouses do that a lot, "now that we're married, I don't have to do that chit-chat thing with you, I already know everything about you!" and woosh, pleasant conversation that women enjoy for bonding goes out the window.
"I don't have to pretend I like fishing with you!" etc etc.
"All that romance stuff" that made you fall in love with him goes out the window, and it's obvious that you're falling out of love with him
Here's his website and a TLDR but yeah, your hubby is insisting on only having his needs for sexual fulfilment met and that's some selfish bullshit that will end badly.
Back in the 1950s, certainly, some women who wanted to work in professional jobs were prevented from doing so based on a combination of social pressure and employment discrimination.
Today, as Elizabeth Warren extensively documented 15 years ago, many families struggle to make ends meet with two incomes, when their parents and grandparents made do with one. The result is that many women who would prefer to stay home with the kids instead are forced to enter the workplace due to economic pressure.
It's not at all clear to me that the feminist revolution has led to any decrease in the net amount of coercion exercised on women. It has simply changed who is getting coerced and what they are getting coerced into doing. It's entirely possible, depending on what percentage of women would prefer to be stay-at-home moms, that the net amount of coercion has actually increased.
I recommend a great place for you to start is read His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley and do the Emotional Needs questionnaire.
I strongly suspect the argument that "having children increases your carbon footprint" is just totally specious. Bringing one less person into the world doesn't decrease your carbon footprint, it decreases the number of people. The carbon footprint in question isn't your carbon footprint, it's your child's carbon footprint.
Similar reasoning concludes that one way to decrease your carbon footprint is to just murder more people. In fact, if you murder more than one very young child, you've just offset yourself plus some number of your friends!
Of course there are other reasons to not murder people, and it would be silly to not take those into account! Likewise, there are many good reasons to have children, and so it would be silly to not take those into account also. If you want to think very seriously about those, I recommend Bryan Caplan's book on the subject.
Okay, so first, what you're looking for isn't monogamous, it's polyamorous or polyfidelitous. The people at /r/polyamory could be a good resource for you as well.
Before talking to her, or maybe as you are, I'd recommend reading The Ethical Slut. There's a lot of very important information about how to communicate and navigate the weird waters of non-monogamy. It's also a quick read.
Good luck, play safe.
My partner and I were only really okay with opening things up once we talked about the difference between "loving" and "committing".
I am committed to her, and I love her. I may love anyone we bring in, but I will never commit to them.
On top of that, we both read a few books and articles regarding what's unfulfilling about pure monogamy.
I'm not saying it wasn't difficult, I'm not saying there wasn't a lot of shouting and tears, but I am saying we both got through it and are much better for it.
Also, like you... she is bisexual and we first opened things up with a threesome to make it an "us" thing instead of a "you" or "me" thing.
There's an absolutely fantastic book that addresses jealousy and insecurity: "Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy" https://www.amazon.com/dp/1944934987/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_VA90V9V4GQX2B5QQQN81
Personally, jealousy is there to remind us that something is wrong! The problem with poly is that it will greatly amplify one's own jealousy issues greatly. I found the above book extremely helpful!
Liz Warren wrote the book on it. It's less about feminism and more about how suburban families are paying for a good education through expensive housing, which requires both parents to work to afford a home in a good school district AND ALSO cover childcare costs because both parents are working.
"Astonishingly, sending mothers to work has made families more vulnerable to financial disaster than ever before. Today's two-income family earns 75% more money than its single-income counterpart of a generation ago, but has 25% less discretionary income to cover living costs. This is "the rare financial book that sidesteps accusations of individual wastefulness to focus on institutional changes," raved the Boston Globe. Warren and Tyagi reveal how the ferocious bidding war for housing and education has silently engulfed America's suburbs, driving up the cost of keeping families in the middle class. The authors show why the usual remedies-child-support enforcement, subsidized daycare, and higher salaries for women-won't solve the problem. But as the Wall Street Journal observed, "The book is brimming with proposed solutions to the nail-biting anxiety that the middle class finds itself in: subsidized day care, school vouchers, new bank regulation, among other measures."
Alright here's my experience, apologies if it's a lot of nonsense
We share a 2 bedroom apartment, which in my home city our rent is pretty good compared to current market value. We are on month-to-month so we could have moved out if we wanted, when we broke up we decided to keep the place, in part because of rent sharing, and second because it's a really good place.
It was pretty easy going until the pandemic lock downs started, forcing us both to stay home. But we had established boundaries, and often share cooking meals, help each other with chores, and we still spend time together watching movies or playing games (video or board).
One of the challenges will be whenever one of us actually leaves. We bought a lot of things together; a nice TV, the couch, the bed she uses, some of the game consoles and so on. Eventually one will have to buy what they want off the other.
If you don't have a second bedroom you're going to have some difficulties. One of you may have to take the living room or other common space as their bedroom and set up some kind of privacy barriers.
In a way, you're in a form of non-monogamous relationship now and it might be a good idea for each of you to do some reading on the subject. This book is pretty good though it probably covers a lot more then needed in your context.
Here's what has helped us maintain our friendship:
- Set boundaries
- Respect those boundaries
- Be kind
- Help with chores
- Make meals together
- Hang out and have fun
- Take some alone time when you need it
- Be encouraging when looking for people to date; reviewing each others online dating profile can be a fun exercise and a real confidence booster :)
- Invest in a good pair of headphones.
Hope this helps, feel free to DM if you'd like some more details on anything.
Elizabeth Warren literally wrote the book explaining this exact thing
https://www.amazon.com/Two-Income-Trap-Middle-Class-Parents-Going/dp/0465090907
She explains that families cannot get by without childcare because two wages are required to raise a family. So being thrust into a global pandemic - the middle class is imploding because they can't afford NOT to send their kids back to school.
We're not even at the worst of it. Not even close. We're probably still 30-45 days out from the real shit hitting the fan.
Happy Saturday, Veni! I'm so happy to hear you're getting out and enjoying time with friends and are on a good path. You deserve all the good things! :)
I think it's great that you're coming up with questions regarding the why of your desire to open the relationship. Something I'm curious about -- have you ever wanted an open relationship with a partner prior to your husband? I think for some, monogamy is simply too limiting and too narrow.
I have spoken to a number of men and women about this, but shockingly, more women seem to find the idea of open relationships more appealing than men. Perhaps I'll make a post about this, because you're far from alone in these thoughts and desires and it may help you.
I really think you should check out the book, <em>The Ethical Slut</em>. It may help you understand your why more and feel less alone in your thoughts and desires. I would also be happy to suggest other books for you as well, if you're interested :)
This resource from The Jealousy Workbook might help you figure out your relationship orientation.
It sounds like you’ve done some of the work to untangle monogamous ways of thinking, but you still might be holding on to some ideas about love you were taught by a monogamous society. The Jealousy Workbook is a good resource to help identifying those beliefs and giving you ways to change them. My girlfriend has used a copy of the book to lead discussions about jealousy in our local poly support group.
Trying to bring others into your relationship is the biggest fuck-up you could make. You will either get frustrated trying or someone or everyone will end up hurt, and there’s a big risk you’ll damage your current relationship, too: https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
But it’s good that you’re asking about “safe” polyamory structures. The answer is that there aren’t any. Once you’re in the land of polyamory, structural protection gets really weak and you need to rely on strength and quality of your relationship. Read this: https://www.amazon.com/Polysecure-Attachment-Trauma-Consensual-Nonmonogamy/dp/1944934987
There's a book called Polysecure I've started reading that's really good and should be added to this great list https://www.amazon.com/dp/1944934987/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_V3DWY6TB9FYT3DKEC7N7 as well as this article which really is a great resource when starting out. https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
Here is a product called Fair Play that basically lays out how to organize tasks for you with cue cards and pictures.
fair play kit links to Amazon Canada
I was reading a book at the behest of my wife. It's His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage(Amazon link). It's not as hokey as it sounds.
So, the thing is, the author outlines a number of things* that members of a relationship need for emotional fulfillment. An number of his list seem to be things you lack from him: Financial support, conversation, recreational companionship, and physical attractiveness to name a few.
Some people don't rank sex as highly as others. It's normal. I'm certainly not going to call you out over not wanting to knock boots with someone who leaves you so unfulfilled in the relationship. You find a different man who fills your emotional needs and you're probably going to be more inclined to tear his buttons off with your teeth.
I'm sorry you find yourself at this point. If he were to go through and start doing the things that you need, would you be able to salvage the marriage? Or is it too late for you?
*Here's the author's complete list:
- Affection
- Sexual Fulfillment
- Conversation
- Recreational Companionship
- Honesty and Openness
- Physical Attractiveness
- Financial Support
- Domestic Support
- Family Commitment
- Admiration
Different people rank these things differently, of course. If you're interested in the cliff notes version of his book, you can get that on the authors website here.
Try His Needs Her Needs too.
Certainly! Please check out the book “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664/ref=nodl_
Your local library should also have a copy. Specifically, in chapter 12, “Child rearing” Dossie references that raising children in a group setting is significantly more beneficial.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12685340/ This published work specifically references that only 3-5% of mammals engage in “monogamy” “Most male mammals do not look after their offspring; humans are an exception in this respect. Like most mammals, humans are not strictly monogamic. A tendency to social monogamy has evolved, however, and is subject to strong reinforcement by cultural factors, particularly religion. As a result, in a number of cultures monogamy is the predominant mating system; however, most cultures (about 85%) are polygamic.”
I found this yesterday after making my own post here, and ordered it for myself. Link, in case OP is interested. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0937609633/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_89N5QAC1NNXB50P4BY7Y
Recommend you get a copy of The Ethical Slut and give that a thorough going over. They have some really good content about jealousy, where it comes from, and how to deal with it. You're right that you can't want freedom and justify jealousy at the same time.
As for me, I choose to spend some time thinking about my jealousy when I feel it. Why am I feeling this way? What are the underlying feelings that are making me vulnerable? What can I do to make this work better?
Good luck.
Super common thing. Sex drive almost always slows down somewhat when you get more comfortable and start to move past the honeymoon phase.
If you feel like it’s becoming an issue that needs more attention, this guy wrote the Bible that couples counselors use:
https://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279
If you cannot see the benefit of having rich kids who love you while you’re old, you’re fucking retarded. That’s how society functioned before everyone turned into a bitch for the government. There is nothing inherently different about the way savings and interests works in the third world than they do in the first world. Before the welfare state, people stuck together in larger families and had a more cohesive family structure. Here in America, people either had large families or they join fraternal societies like the Freemasons or some fraternity before the government had charity.
>opportunity cost
Yea you’re over assessing the opportunity cost. The fact is children aren’t the delicate retarded amoeba that people think they are and children largely raise themselves, as long as parents can keep them out of harms way. This is not my opinion, theres research that supports this. Parents who realize that children aren’t cattle and learn how to use economies of scale are winning at life and also at the genetic lottery.
>stop paying welfare
Stopping paying welfare doesn’t make rich people breed faster, but it stops the overbreeding of leeches. Two separate issues. You need both for a society in equilibrium.
So it's a book on Polyamorous relationships, but it deals a lot with communication and boundaries, it's called More than 2. Here an Amazon link
I am going to counter a lot of arguments here, but my opinion was shaped by Elizabeth Warren's The Two Income Trap.
- Funding is no longer based on property taxes
- All Public Schools no longer have a "neighborhood" or "set district."
- All Schools enroll via lottery or specific merit if specialized (EX: Music School requires an audition, but then a subsequent lottery for qualified candidates)
This means that students from poor performing districts have the same chance of attending a good public school as any other student.
Private schools may still be allowed, but with 0% public funding (i.e. no Vouchers).
I disagree, too. Previous generations never worried about this much doting on their kids, and they still produced geniuses and stars. It's a recent phenomenon.
The evidence suggests you've done most of your work before the baby is even born, by passing on your genes. Most of the influence on your children will come from their friends, teachers, and the rest of their environment that isn't their parents. Here's a nice book on the subject.