According to Robert Sapolsky in Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers, most animals have a quick stress response that is over quickly. For most, this does no long-lasting harm. This is not true for more social and hierarchically organized species.
Check out this video where he describes the research on baboons that won him the MacArthur Genius Grant.
The tl;dw is that baboons are hierarchical and mean to one another. Lower-order baboons have rates of heart-disease comparable with modern humans, despite not eating like we do or watching Netflix all day. It's due to the constant stress of being on the low end of a social hierarchy. However, this is culturally learned and can be culturally unlearned. Serendipitously, he wound up studying a troop where all the aggressive males died at once. The only males left were social and nice, both to one another and to the troop's females. This changed the culture of troop. Not only that, but new males entering the troop were acculturated to the new norms of the troop. Their health improved once the culture of extreme hierarchy and cruelty stopped. It's a pretty life-affirming 10min lecture.
It is called "The Four Agreements"
One of the agreeements is - Don't Take Anything Personally
We take things personally when we agree with what others have said.
When we do not agree, the things that others say cannot affect us emotionally.
When we do not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior cannot affect us.
I have a lot of experience with men because of my age - some men just say the stupidest things, but it has nothing to do with you!!! It took me forever to learn this!!
You are being cast in a movie - You are being cast the way you are right? Did they tell you to get a trainer? Or has he? Exactly.
He is used to yoga teacher bodies. But he is with you.....Who is this about....?
Normally i go for latina girls with big boobs and no tattoos.....and again....who the fuck cares??? LOL
It is so freeing to not let these people rent space in my head.
Be free.
Great work! This reminds me of the book 'The Four Agreements.' Sounds like you're on your way to mastering number 2!
I don’t really love advertising for certain things, but this has really helped me out with juggling life: https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0143126563
Basically, get it all out of your head and into some thing better at keeping information. Software, planner, calendar. I am building a house, have a stressful software engineer job, have 4 kids under 7, and a wife with medical problems. I still fail a lot...but now not as often!
The Four Agreements are as follows:
Be impeccable with your word.
Don't take anything personally.
Don't make assumptions.
Always do your best.
They are from a very short book by Don Miguel Ruiz, and it's definitely worth a read.
One thing that helped me with my anxiety issues was doing the exercises in the David Burns book "When Panic Attacks." It's basically cognitive therapy that you self-administer through doing simple written exercises. Because you do it yourself, it's free and available to you at any time.
This is the book: (not an affiliate link):
https://www.amazon.com/When-Panic-Attacks-Drug-Free-Anxiety/dp/076792083X
Good luck.
Zuko's hilarious but interestingly enough if you look at the basic principles of mindfulness and therapies based on mindfulness there's a similar idea ie. to learn to defuse from your thinking self and more often be in tune with your observing self.
So you accept your thoughts, urges, feelings as they are but not fuse with them and instead move in the direction of the things you value. There's a girl you're interested in, you feel anxiety at asking her out, you don't struggle with that anxiety or let it define you, you accept it but ask her out because it aligns with your values of love, connection, intimacy. The thinking self would run rampant, "I should ask her out. But she'll reject me. What if they laugh at me. I'm not gonna do it, she'll think I'm creepy. Okay here she comes. Damn, I missed my chance. I can't believe I missed my chance. I'll never be in a relationship. I'm going to be lonely forever. I am unlovable. I am a useless piece of human garbage."
As for your other self, your observing self, you get more into tune with this through focusing on the here and now and defusing from the thoughts of your thinking self. You've taken thousands of showers in your lifetime and while you have the option to think about how behind you are in school during your shower, you also have the option to revel in it for what it is and just enjoy the experience.
For anyone more interested in Uncle Zuko's wisdom, https://www.amazon.ca/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
I miss Avatar. Are they ever gonna do another series or was Korra the last one?
So to recap, you were miserable --> moved 2,000 miles --> still miserable.
The problem is with you. Someone suggested counselling and that's a great idea.
See if this book resonates with you...
https://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-There-Are-Mindfulness/dp/1401307787
hope and help for your nerves by Dr.Claire Weekes
An oldie but goodie. I will never stop recommending this book because of how amazing it is. It helped me get through my own intense period of anxiety/depression and even after a relapse of it i feel much better prepared to face my anxiety and depression. Plus meditation, music and no caffeine /limiting sugar
Edit: fixed link
My depression was caused by a medication I was on, but I suffered a lot even after I got off of it. Here are some tools that I wished I had (I was 15 at the time and had very little support):
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
(Eckhart Tolle might just change your life altogether!)
You need CBT (Cognitive behaviour therapy) and maybe look into CBD oil. I highly recommend a book titled D.A.R.E by Barry Mcdonaugh. Helped me so much and its cheap. Book Link if you're interested.
You aren’t stupid. My degrees are in psychology & neuroscience. Let me tell you what your body is doing right now.
All of the stress from your home is causing your body to dump stress hormones (glucocorticoids) into your system. Basically, this system is designed to work for short-term, dangerous situations. Think: Running from a cheetah on the savanna stress, not long-term abuse. In 20 minutes, you’ve either escaped or you’re dead, but either way it’s over.
The glucocorticoids basically divert resources to help you move & be physically ready. As such, a part of your brain, called the hippocampus, is deprived of nutrients. This part of the brain is critical for forming memories. This is why people can have poor recall of very traumatic events.
You are under constant stress, and you can’t get out. And you are trying to study? Of course it’s difficult. Your body is fighting you. The fact is, you won’t know what you can do until you get out of that situation. I predict that you will find that you are smarter and more creative than you think. Survivors generally are, and you are a survivor.
If you want to learn more, check out this fabulous book. And if you ever get to hear him speak, you should do it. He’s amazing, with a great research program & story.
Absolutely. I was like you, always concerned with "what if." I would then kick into high gear with reassurance seeking and checking, feel better for a bit, and then repeat the cycle, over and over again. You need to learn how to sit with uncertainty, and it's sooooo much easier said than done. This book also helped me, too, as I learned to allow the feeling of uncertainty to expand, and to observe it non-judgementally. I recommend this book for anyone who is struggling with anxiety and depression. It will get better. Be patient with yourself, and do the work.
Wow, what timing. I'm definitely not fine right now either. The past few weeks have been exceptionally challenging for me, too. ��
Actually...I hadn't made this connection before, but I've just been reminded of an anti-depressive/anxious spiral technique I use pretty often called somatic resourcing. Basically, even when we feel our worst, there is usually something present that does feel "fine", or neutral, or safe. Sometimes this can be a physical sensation; sometimes it can be part of your environment.
Some examples: if my stomach is clenched in fear, shifting my attention to a part of my body that feels okay, that isn't experiencing the same tightness or expressing the same emotional reactivity, and focusing on it for a bit. (Usually my legs and feet, or the physical sensation of the weight of my body on any surface.) Or focusing on an object or location in my environment that feels stable. (My desk, light shining on a surface, the sound of the AC.)
The effectiveness of this technique has kind of made me realize that it's...true, I guess? That our minds, which tend to send out pretty intense this-isn't-fine signals, are not to be fully trusted or believed when they are doing so. This is an exceptionally difficult thing to remember when one is in the throes of a bad emotional spell, but it's so so so true.
NGL I find it hard to connect with this quote sometimes but I still love it—“As long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than there is wrong, no matter how ill or how hopeless you may feel.” (x) I hope this can resonate with you even a little bit, OP.
The stress is because you're trying to go over all of the things that you need to do next week. By writing them down your brain will no longer worry about it.
I build a task list, then when I feel like I'm starting to stress out I just go through and review it, adjust as needed and the stress is gone.
This is a method I picked up after reading "Getting Things Done"
You might benefit from this book “The Happiness Trap”. It’s a how to book on applying acceptance and commitment therapy, one of the only forms of cognitive behavioral therapy actually backed by scientific research. No therapist needed.
I think the concepts in that book could be useful for most people but seem highly applicable to your situation.
I would advise you to try other things before resorting to anti depressants. Anti depressants can work for some people but they can also cause major problems. A lot of people are on this sub because anti depressants ruined their ability to feel pleasure.
When I warn about anti depressants here I’m referring to SSRI medications which are the most commonly prescribed type. If you have a doctor who will prescribe other types (maoi, tricyclic, or atypical types) there seems to be less risk of really bad side effects.
Working on the basics can also help a lot even though it’s not usually what you feel like doing when depressed. Exercise, quality sleep, and good diet help a lot.
Meditation is also very helpful. I recommend the app “Waking Up” as a good no woo no religion straightforward guide.
👍🏼understand where you’re coming from. Marriage may be our greatest test. Regardless of this marriage, The Four Agreements, is a very helpful book to read about life. It’s advice has always stuck with me and helped quite a bit over the years. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1878424319/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_32SQ6P04G0E47W7CHAAG?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
I've got a serious answer for you. I went to therapy, I read the book DARE, and I had a supportive family and wife who helped me recover.
I'm still in my 20s, but I had a psychotic break from stress loads at work. For weeks I couldn't remember who I was, where I was, what I had literally just done (like how I came to sit down or if I finished lunch even though my plate was right in front of me). Time seemed to pass very slow and very quickly at the same time. Every once in a while I would have that moment of clarity and would just start crying because of how scary it was. I'd scream "Why can't I be normal" or "Why am I going crazy?". When I finally started remembering things again and becoming myself it was so bizarre. I still am missing some memories from that time period though... absolutely terrifying and sad experience.
I'm "back to normal" now. Changing jobs was helpful too where the stress load isn't so high. And I found having a routine helps me keep my sanity. Too many surprises or unexpected changes cause me to start slipping back into anxiety attacks.
Not OP, but I went to therapy, I read the book DARE, and I had a supportive family and wife who helped me recover.
I'm still in my 20s, but I had a psychotic break from stress loads at work. For weeks I couldn't remember who I was, where I was, what I had literally just done (like how I came to sit down or if I finished lunch even though my plate was right in front of me). Time seemed to pass very slow and very quickly at the same time. Every once in a while I would have that moment of clarity and would just start crying because of how scary it was. I'd scream "Why can't I be normal" or "Why am I going crazy?". When I finally started remembering things again and becoming myself it was so bizarre. I still am missing some memories from that time period though... absolutely terrifying and sad experience.
I had only been dealing with anxiety for a very short time, 3 months of non stop panic attacks/depersonalization/nervousness. I honestly was going crazy and afraid of living like this for the rest of my life. I started seeing a therapist, which helped, but not enough. I was afraid of going on medication, so I refused to be prescribed anything. One day while on Amazon, I began browsing through self-help books and stumbled upon Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Panic Attacks, and I began to read. I read the book in 2 days and holy crap I felt like a weight was lifted off of me. I've seen this book get recommended in here a few times. If I could give you all free copies I would. It helped me tremendously and got my life back. I have been doing fine for the past 2 months, I'm not going to tell you that I don't get anxious anymore. I still do every so often, BUT I have learned how to diffuse it. I highly recommend it to everybody. I hope that every one of you will be able to find peace, whether it be through this book or in another way because I know it's hell.
Rule 2 - Don’t take anything personal. Outside of the people who really know you well, everything negative people say about you is generally them projecting their shitty mindsets onto you. If it’s not someone who cares about you who’s trying to be helpful and constructive, just let it roll off your back.
And I’d suggest reading this book, it changed my outlook on stuff like this. Game changer
I've got a serious answer for you. I went to therapy, I read the book DARE, and I had a supportive family and wife who helped me recover.
I'm still in my 20s, but I had a psychotic break from stress loads at work. For weeks I couldn't remember who I was, where I was, what I had literally just done (like how I came to sit down or if I finished lunch even though my plate was right in front of me). Time seemed to pass very slow and very quickly at the same time. Every once in a while I would have that moment of clarity and would just start crying because of how scary it was. I'd scream "Why can't I be normal" or "Why am I going crazy?". When I finally started remembering things again and becoming myself it was so bizarre. I still am missing some memories from that time period though... absolutely terrifying and sad experience.
I strongly believe that my depression/generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis in my early twenties was just the manifestation of undiagnosed ADHD- I felt like a failure that needed to be perfect because "easy" tasks were so difficult for me and if I "just worked harder" I could be "normal".
Since my diagnosis and trying medication and reading You Mean I'm not Lazy, Crazy, or Stupid?, most of my depression/anxiety has melted away. This is obviously not a guarantee, and your milage will certainly vary, but I for me, having an explanation for what my brain was doing outside of "you useless fool idiot" helped erase that core belief.
If getting a referral is difficult or you'll be facing a long wait, I'd recommend picking that book up. It's a really approachable read that felt really good for me as an adult figuring out that sometimes my brain just does things differently.
thank you for the suggesstion. after looking at that book, amazon recommended this one and the title alone made me cry.
Thanks for this!!! And you can add another book from David Burns called "When Panic Attacks" which is more about anxiety and other disorders and it's more recent. Link to amazon
The skills you would benefit from learning don't really lend themselves to a quick comment in a Reddit thread. Do yourself a favor and invest the time and effort (and a small amount of money) to buy and read a book by an expert on the subject.
Here's a good one, written by David Burns, M.D., a plain-spoken and compassionate therapist with several decades of experience. It's titled When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life.
You can see it here at Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/When-Panic-Attacks-Drug-Free-Anxiety/dp/076792083X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524105630&sr=8-1&keywords=burns+panic
Anxiety, and panic attacks, are quite common. Don't feel that there's something terribly wrong with you. But it's good to educated about what's going on with your body, and what you can do to manage these episodes. And a book like the one mentioned can take you a long way toward that goal.
Best wishes to you.
Check out “Wherever you go, there you are”
It’s such an easy read and it explains the ideas behind mindfulness so well. Before I read this book I had a perception that mindfulness/meditation was just kind of a random new-agey fad thing. After reading this book and practicing the concepts it’s been pretty amazing for my overall mental health.
It’s funny, there’s actually a chapter in the book that talks about how you shouldn’t be going around telling people you are practicing mindfulness because it eliminates the point yet here I am 😂 had to shout it out tho
https://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-There-Are-Mindfulness/dp/1401307787
/u/hikanron since you were looking too
Panic attacks can be caused by any number of reasons and you certainly have quite a few of the usual suspects that could be causes.
Your first step is to see a doctor since grief can manifest itself physically in a number of ways. I have my own stories. There are medications that can get you through this. No need to suffer needlessly.
Let me also recommend a book: Dare. Its often recommended in support groups. Hope you feel better soon.