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Read the book "A mind for numbers" by Barbara Oakley and take the course "learning how to learn"
Link to course: https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn
Edit: if I remember correctly, you don't have to pay for the course if you're not able to. Hope this helps you :)
The good times are part of the abuse. They keep you questioning whether you’re imagining it or whether you should stay.
I highly suggest this book:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_nSHMFbK2HKG7E
Ma’am, your husband has a personality disorder and is an abuser. That bathroom wall banging is 100% a manipulation tactic. So is the sulking and the temper tantrums. Please read this book, ideally on an e-reader where he can’t see it - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_0A33SF6RMKT4WM9Y36NP
Going against the grain here, I don't think this is actually about logic OR emotions.
I think it's about control. Alarm bells started going off the more I read that this, I think it's a delibrate tactic to get you under his control, which is what abusive people want most of all.
>Queue 'why are you being so stubborn?', 'are you trying to deliberately hurt me?', 'are you trying to prove a point or something?', 'would it hurt you to do it this way?', 'I thought you cared about my feelings and my support'
🚩🚩🚩 so from this paragraph I see him deliberately: 1) making you feel like you need to justify your actions to him. You don't, but making you do so changes the power dynamic in his favour. It also keeps you focused on your actions and behaviour so you don't have the time to take a critical look at his behaviour.
2) using emotional manipulation. Not only do you owe him an explanation, but when you do something he doesn't like he turns it into you hurting him. This is manipulative AF and intentional.
3) wearing down your defences. This shit sounds exhausting, and while you can fight back now, I imagine that after weeks/months/years of it you'll just get so tired you'll stop fighting back. Then you'll just do what he wants how he wants to avoid the fight. THIS is his ultimate goal, to make you compliant.
>What should I do?
Fucking run, this is only going to get worse.
And please, take a look at the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft, you can find the PDF for free online.
Angry and controlling men seem to think that there is no way they can be abusive if they don't physically hurt their wife.
YOU ARE ABUSIVE.
Wish I could give your wife this book.
That doesn't mean everyone who tells you to up your meds is right, or coming from a good place. Abusive men LOVE to tell their partners they're crazy/paranoid/overly senisitve/imagining things/overreacting
Please read this book
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
I'd encourage you to do more research. Most abusers are extremely charming and emotionally manipulative. Many abusers seem like genuinely great people to everyone around them because they're not just some general indiscriminate asshole, and they may treat everyone other than the victim very well. There's a book about exactly this, the author did a lot of investigation through interviews with both the abused and the abuser. Most of the abusers saw nothing wrong with their actions because they veiwed the victim as sub-human and belonging to them.
At the end of the day, it's a power thing and abusers use a wide variety of tactics to gain power of their abuser, ranging from physical abuse to often making the victim doubt their own mental facilities through creative methods.
Two of the most fascinating to me were the following.
One guy would hide things his wife needed, like keys when she was leaving, and then watch as she became increasingly frantic. Once she was in tears, turning the house upside down, tearing her hair out, he would leave the keys in an obvious place like a table and say something along the lines of, "look it's right there. I don't know why you can never find things, you're losing you mind"
Another guy dimmed the lights, Everytime his wife left the room and then would adamently deny it, and call her paranoid and imagining things.
So first she guilts you for your DH not paying for her birthday dinner and then tries to guilt your DH into buying her an overpriced mirror? Yikes.
You said she makes six figures but squanders it? Buy her a budgeting book for Christmas! I’ve heard Dave Ramsey is good! Lmao
The Total Money Makeover: Classic Edition: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness https://www.amazon.com/dp/1595555277/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Y2tfCb3313DFT
Tell her all about how you love his budgeting system and you incorporate it into your lives completely! You thinks it’s so great you just have to share. But then again I like being helpfully passive aggressive lmao
Abusers will try to convince you their feelings are the problem. "I was mad, I was frustrated, I felt scared of losing you, I just love you so much". But everyone experiences those same emotions without abusing others.
An abuser does not have a problem with how they feel, they have a problem with how they think. They think they're entitled to attention, care-taking, interest, to a person giving up who she is to focus entirely on the abuser's needs. And when they don't get what they think they're entitled to, they feel entitled to call that person horrible things. They give themselves permission to express those feelings based on how they think.
Never be misled; if someone talks to you this way its not because "they were mad". It's because they think it's okay to express their anger in that toxic unfair way. Read more here if you need
I recently read Lundy Bancroft's book on abusive men: "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", and I was really impressed with it.
It totally opened my eyes to men's abusiveness, and dispelled a lot of the misconceptions that I had about men's harmful and cruel behavior. (It also honestly helped me wrap my head around how contradictory the men who espouse gender identity are (Riley Dennis, Zinnia Jones, Contrapoints, etc), because once you get down to it they're just another flavor of abusive man)
I made this little review video to encourage people to check the book out if they've never heard of it before.
Link to the book on Lundy's website (2nd book down from top of page): http://lundybancroft.com/books/
Link to the book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Not a summary, but I was curious to know more about the plot as well, and this Amazon link has a good product description and excerpts from the book if you scroll down.
Check out the book A Mind for Numbers. Really insightful for CS majors IMHO.
I used to think this to. That my lack of education or caring somehow triggered the violence in my life. If you can find a library, many offer free audio and ebooks, please check out this book. It helped my world make sense.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
> After the dinner date we went back to his place. We were on the couch. Nothing had happened yet, he just had his arm around me. I was a little buzzed off the wine, and he said "I want to show you something."
So he didn't talk to you about hypnotizing you, and get your consent? Did you have a talk about limits and what's okay, and how much control he should have?
> He told me a little more about how he likes to use hypnosis to enhance the bedroom. So as we would text, he would send me images about erotic hypnosis all day. When I wasn't at work, he would send me videos, audios, or we would have hypnotic phone sex.
It sounds like you got into a steady relationship, but he sounds like he likes to push past your limits and uses hypnosis to do so, and is isolating your from your friends, family and work. These are all classic abuser techniques. Do you feel safe in your relationship? Are you able to say no and have him respect that? Does he try to control you or speak for you outside of your sexual relationship?
This process (called the diffused mode of the brain) is discussed in depth in a book I read a few years ago called A Mind For Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science (Even If You Flunked Algebra).
Would highly recommend if anyone is interested in how your brain learns things - especially abstract concepts like mathematics and programming.
A book I found invaluable was Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I never thought my ex was abusive; I just thought he was a dickhead. Reading about the patterns of anger I was shocked into recognition. It was devastating in its way... But helped me to detach, eventually.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Good on you for getting out! Best wishes for the days ahead.
The fact that he’s making this all about himself when you were the one who had to go through all of the serious physical aspects of pregnancy and loss ... is truly terrible. The fact that you don’t believe you can safely talk to your therapist about this is not okay. I hope that you can get the help you need. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9H84TET0I137&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+lundy+bancroft&qid=1576347460&sprefix=Why+does+he+%2Caps%2C152&sr=8-1
Please read this book
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
If you can get your mother to read it, it would be great. Buying her a copy is probably a risky idea, maybe send her a link once she has a laptop? Assuming your father doesn't have access to it? Please keep in mind that abuse tends to escalate when the abuser feels his victim might be getting ready to leave him, it's the most dangerous time for her.
Hey man we all get discouraged when learning something new.
You should check out this https://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Numbers-Science-Flunked-Algebra-ebook/dp/B00G3L19ZU
The author was terrified of math throughout high school and joined the army after graduating. When she was ~25 she realized the work she was doing was not going to provide her a great future, and she went back to school for an engineering degree. During this time she learned how to overcome her issues, and she's now doing a PHD.
I really liked the book, I got it on Audible but wouldn't be surprised if the library had it :) She covers strategies to deal with solving new problems and also procrastination.
If you want to help, you can be a treasure trove of information, so that if she asks for your help, you are ready. Also, be there for her if she needs you.
I would also recommend making observations over passing judgments. For example, "That's a common tactic of abusers" is a plain fact, while "your boyfriend is an abuser" is a judgment that she may feel you are not equipped to make not really knowing the guy. You might bring her this book if you think she might be open to reading it.
Sometimes victims of domestic abuse need affirmation, especially if it's a pattern they've been in. You can tell her what you like about her and that she deserves better.
If she says something like "I don't know what to do," you can ask her how she feels about her options, or if she's tried to lay them all out, or if she'd like your help brainstorming. If she chooses abortion, there is a time limit on that one, and it will depend on where you live, so you can help her by looking things like that up before you meet with her, along with costs, locations, how to make an appointment, and where she can go if she's missed the deadline where she lives. If she seems surprised at how much you know, it's ok to tell her you thought she might want that kind of information given her circumstances (from the sound of her message, it didn't really seem like she wanted the pregnancy).
Ultimately it's her choice, and not really your business. But you can be a sounding board for her and help her think through her options in a nonjudgmental way, if you can manage that.
I'm early thirties, and left a controlling ex a couple years ago myself (still married because they keep "accidentally" dropping the ball on their end, but that's another story). I had a discouraging experience going back to school while we were still living together, and it made me nervous about trying again. But this time has been totally different. I'm graduating from CC this spring with a 4.0!
We adult students have a lot of things going for us. There's the benefit of life experience and a fully developed brain. We tend to be more organized and driven, too. You may even find that material you struggled with as a teen comes more easily now.
However, I still get panicked every semester that I'm going to lose focus and flunk. Recently I've started having nightmares that I'm going to fail a class and not get to walk for graduation. I'm also worried because I'm starting STEM "weed out" classes next semester, so the difficulty is about the ratchet up significantly.
I'm managing by keeping my focus mostly on my current semester. I also bought a book called <em>A Mind For Numbers</em>, which is recommended for folks who aren't so confident in their math skills. It focuses on strategies for studying more efficiently and reducing the time you feel like you're grinding away but not getting anywhere.
I know it's scary, but school won't be as bad as your fear is telling you. Community colleges are very supportive places, with lots of resources to help you succeed. Take advantage of advising, free tutoring, and disability services (if panic attacks continue to be a problem). Don't let fear stop you from getting that degree! You can do it!!
This book is really great, I will try to get my daughter to read it someday. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 I think it's helpful because it teaches girls and women how to avoid/recognize abusive relationships and also how to deal with the situation when their friends are in abusive relationships (too often friends abandon friends because they get fed up with seeing it, and we women really could do a better job supporting each other in these cases). It helps the reader empathize and understand the complexity of the situation (that it's not just a "self-esteem" issue). I say read it and if you like it, pass it on to your girls when they start dating.
Yelling and throwing things is considered psychological abuse, just FYI.
Your father is an asshole. Study, save money, survive. And get the fuck out when you can. I know of a couple of subs filled with people who went through the same thing. Your household may be bleak as hell, but your life outside of it will not be. Hold onto that.
No OP, but I'd like to strongly recommend <em>Why Does He Do That?</em> by Lundy Bancroft (non-affiliate Amazon link) to you if you've never read it. It's one of the very best books you could ever read about the denial and other thought processes behind domestic violence.
> Do you have any tips on how I can maybe assist my former abusers in regards to reflecting on the situation?
You'll have more tips and authentic responses to give than you ever thought possible after reading that, not an exaggeration. The author gives many, plus it's such an eye opener that you'll definitely come up with a few of your own.
I literally can't recommend it enough for anyone having to deal with DV, either as a provider or a survivor.
I'm sorry that he did that to you honey you deserve so much better. I'd really recommend Why does he do That? By Lundy bancroft it can really help you make sense of why he does these things.
Violence against women is a HUGE problem, respect to you for stepping in! There is an amazing book on the subject by Lundy Bancroft called "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", that everyone should read imo, very interesting and scary.
There is a presentation he did on youtube, though the sound is bad: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STQk-dRPQeE
Here is the amazon link to the book: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
>I know I wouldn't have permission.
A grown woman doesn't need permission. And a good partner says to his SO, "Hey honey, you should go! Don't worry, I got the kid. Go have fun!" And they mean it when they say it.
>He doesn't ever hit me
Sweetheart, he doesn't get brownie points for basic human decency. But I get this. I remember this line of thought, "Well, he's a jerk sometimes, but he doesn't hit me." Until he did. Until I ended up in the ER with a busted rib and lying to the nurses that it was an accident, that we were just playing. He hasn't hit you yet, but chances are that he will. He is escalating, and you are in danger.
>he doesn't raise his voice unless I try to talk to him, but he will ignore me for days on end if I do something unfavorable to him.
I hate this man so much. He has you absolutely convinced this is your fault. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.
>I did it all wrong.
No, you didn't. He did. He does. And those wonderful moments that you live for are the bait that he uses to keep you there as his personal footrest.
I recommended some books for you last time you where here. Did you get a chance to read any of them? If not, please get Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men and read it. You can find it on Amazon that I've linked to, and your local public library might have it as well. Read it, it is your life. I know, I've lived your life.
Please look at this as well. You are being abused. Only you have the power break the cycle and save yourself and your son.
I used to be a dealer too! I ended up dealing blackjack, roulette, craps, bacc, Pai Gow, and many poker variants. I recommend that you read the book Secrets of Mental Math or watch the dvd. To practice, look at getting an app called Anki and make flashcards for yourself. Good luck and have fun!
Wow. Well, if anything is going to turn this thread on its ear, it’s going to be this. But since you asked (not an affiliate link):
The Total Money Makeover: Classic Edition: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness https://www.amazon.com/dp/1595555277/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_VSCMH970KZMXHWPVCG26
I prefer the audio book. Listened to it twice, which I highly recommend since you tend to grab on ideas as you go and the second listen makes sure you get things in the correct order.
We also have the print edition to bookmark, highlight and take notes in.
I think you should look into reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Even though this book was written to help women in romantic relationships with abusive men, it will give you insight into your brothers behavior & maybe give you the language you need to communicate to your family about why your brother's behavior is not as innocent as it seems.